An Encounter
by ponderhouse
Summary: Emily knew she could make it the 20 yards or so out into the hallway and across the hall into her own room, climb into her own bed and sleep off whatever it was that had gotten into her. But Emily didn't want to be in her bed…she wanted to be in Paige's. Paily College AU.
1. Chapter 1

_I don't really know what this is. It's something I've wrote on and off for ages, usually whenever I've gotten stuck writing Flux. It recently got to a point where it seemed to come to an end, so I figured I'd share. For now it's in two parts, the second of which I'll hopefully be posting in a few days time. Enjoy :)_

* * *

 **An Encounter.  
** **Part One.**

Paige McCullers was drunk.

Definitely drunk. And it was all Emily Fields' fault.

Okay. So Paige _did_ have a sneaking suspicion she'd been well on the way to tipsy before the two of them had staggered back to their dorm, after leaving Timothy Dale's party arm in arm. Though even with that admitted, it was also safe to say that she certainly hadn't been as drunk as she felt _now._ Therefore Paige deemed it perfectly acceptable to place the majority of the blame on Emily's head.

Nights like this weren't all that uncommon. Most Fridays, in some capacity or another, they'd end up just as they were now, talking nonsense in her dorm room, sometimes drinking, sometimes not, Paige's roommate, as usual, having left for the weekend.

Tonight was a drinking night. Emily had seemed off on the way home for reasons Paige had yet to work out, and once they'd made it back to their respective rooms Paige hadn't even bothered closing her door, knowing what was to come. Sure enough, Emily had resurfaced from the room across the hall five minutes later with a bottle of what Paige wanted to call whiskey but, even now on her third glass, couldn't quite be sure.

It was amber and it burned, she knew that much.

Paige was afraid to lift her head from the bed. She could practically hear the liquid sloshing about in her stomach, let alone feel it, the alcohol's potency ensuring that same sloshing motion was present in her mind. It was clear she'd passed the gentle buzz of tipsiness some time ago, the biggest giveaway being the amount of embarrassing detail she could hear herself going into as she answered the question Emily had asked her whilst pouring their latest cup.

Paige didn't know how the subject of Stacy Shepper had come up, but she was beginning to regret it.

Paige knew that if she was sober, she'd barely be able to admit to the night she'd spent with Stacy Shepper, let alone talk about it, especially with Emily of all people. That wasn't to say she was embarrassed; she and Emily shared near enough everything and Emily knew pretty much every story Paige had to tell, embarrassing or otherwise.

Tonight though, Paige sensed she was over-sharing. She could tell because when it came to talking about sex, especially with Emily, Paige had a habit of never going into any sort of detail about the act itself, good or bad, because, for reasons she was just about drunk enough to admit, she didn't want Emily being privy to the bad.

Not that it would matter of course. Emily didn't think of her in that way. And she didn't think of Emily in that way.

Ever.

Not often.

 _"Paige,"_ Emily's voice filled her ears, a strangled sort of laugh coming from the girl currently sprawled out on her bedroom floor. Paige just about managed to roll over, taking in the sight of Emily looking up at her, her arms wrapped around Paige's pillow snugly. "That's _so_ harsh."

"It's not. Trust me. It's just the truth."

Paige frowned, Emily looking up at her in disapproval. Perhaps it was a little harsh to say Stacy Shepper was pitiful in bed. It wasn't that she purposely wanted to put Stacy down, in truth, it wasn't just Stacy that had been pitiful that night. It was the pair of them combined, coupled with an added dose of hard liquor that had made their entire encounter 'pitiful'. It was simply that Paige felt happier omitting her own flaws when it came to describing the event. Just incase. Emily could be alone and restless one night and should, for whatever reason, Paige pop into her mind on such an occasion, she wanted Emily to picture her as something of a sex god.

Not that that would happen.

Not that Paige thought about it happening.

Ever.

Not often.

 _Sometimes._

"What was so bad about it then?" Emily quirked an eyebrow, apparently, genuinely curious.

They'd done this before, talked over their various hook ups, the good, the bad, the ugly. The drinking helped, loosening up the conversation. But Emily was never usually this persistent and Stacy had been months ago and Paige couldn't quite decipher exactly why Emily had taken such a sudden interest in the subject.

"Besides what you've told me. Was it just that you guys were drunk, or…"

"I guess so," Paige shrugged noncommittally. "We were totally obliterated, which hardly helped. I dunno. We just didn't gel. I'd go this way, she'd go the other, she'd want this, I'd do _that…_ what?"

Paige's brow furrowed, not quite able to read the curious expression on Emily's face as she stared up at her.

"Nothing," Emily shrugged after a beat, snuggling into the pillow, still staring up at Paige with an oddly inquisitive smirk, though her eyes soon drifted closed.

Paige rolled onto her front, propping herself up on her elbows as she stared down at her friend, watching silently as Emily's chest moved up and down, up and down in steady breaths. She looked so peaceful, wrapped around Paige's pillow down there on the bedroom floor.

Paige sighed.

Sometimes, she wondered if it was obvious.

Paige was no stranger to worrying about the simplest of actions giving her away to someone else's watchful eye. She'd thought she'd left that kind of paranoia behind her when she'd came out, but deep down, Paige was well aware it had simply morphed into something else. A slight variation on the theme, you could say. Paige still worried about looking too long, about saying something wrong, about getting caught out. But it was no longer in fear of someone figuring out she liked girls. Paige didn't care who knew she liked girls. Paige's fear was of somebody catching her out and figuring out she liked _a_ girl.

Singular.

This girl, currently stretching out on her bedroom floor.

Paige could practically break out into a cold sweat at the thought of someone pointing out that she might like Emily just a little _too_ much. She didn't know what she'd do if Emily herself noticed.

They were best friends. That was it.

Paige had had her chance with Emily. They'd shared one fumbling kiss in the back of Emily's car after a 10th grade pep rally. Paige had failed to act on it afterward and for a time, it had served as a sort of 'kiss of death' to their already rather fractious friendship.

Then along came senior year. The kiss was all but forgotten and with scholarships to win, they'd managed to salvage some sort of friendship as they urged each other to compete at the highest level. When they found out they'd both gotten into Stanford, they'd road tripped across the country together and the rest was history.

They'd been practically inseparable ever since.

They never spoke of the kiss. Paige knew, as far as Emily was concerned, it had never happened.

It was all too easy, in moments like this, when her guard was down and Emily was oblivious before her, for Paige to allow herself to imagine how things could have been, had she managed to get her act together a little quicker back then.

Emily would have hopefully ended up on the bed with her, for a start.

"Want another?" Emily asked, Paige's eyes finally focusing from her daze to find Emily craning her neck to look at her, the smirk on Emily's face letting Paige know that on this occasion, she'd been caught staring.

"We probably shouldn't," Paige flushed a little, clearing her throat awkwardly as she rolled onto her back and away from Emily's prying eyes.

"Pssh," Emily shook her head in disagreement, the slight wobble she took as she stood telling Paige that Emily was feeling the effects maybe even more so than she was. "We may as well finish off the bottle."

"In the morning, when I tell you how much I hate you for cajoling me into drinking so much, you're not allowed to be mad about it," Paige smirked, taking the cup from Emily, sipping at the liquid tentatively before flopping back onto the bed, somehow managing not to slosh the drink all over herself or the sheets.

"Oh, shush," Emily prodded Paige in the side. "Scoot over."

"I'm comfy," Paige pouted.

"Scoot or I'll sit on you."

Paige obliged with a groan, scooting to the right and trying her best to ignore the way her stomach dipped in time with the bed as Emily climbed on alongside her. Paige shuffled further to the edge, giving Emily room to lay down beside her without the two of them having to touch.

"Was that the last time you…" Emily let the question trail off, Paige groaning internally as the conversation once again turned back to Stacy Shepper.

"Had sex?" Paige finished the question for her, though she refused to meet Emily's gaze. She could feel Emily's eyes boring a hole into the side of her head, her cheeks flushing a little. She was more than a little embarrassed to admit that Stacy Shepper had been the last time, four months ago. They hadn't spoken since. "Ah."

Paige remembered why they'd suddenly wound up talking about Stacy in the first place. Emily had managed to witness the unfortunate encounter she and Paige had shared at the party earlier that night. It was the first conversation they'd had since their 'night' and if Paige was to judge, Stacy had felt as awkward as she had about the whole thing. Emily had swooped in and saved her and _that's_ when they'd made plans to leave.

"Yeah. That was the last time."

Paige sighed. Four months. One girl in four months. Emily never appeared to be short of suitors it seemed, much to Paige's chagrin. There was always somebody she was 'kinda, sorta dating', as Emily always tended to put it.

"And _god,_ I don't even think it really counts. I mean, it _counts_ , but it was…"

"Pitiful, apparently."

"Right."

"I get the feeling she might have wanted to hook up with you tonight," Emily mused, Paige letting out a scoff at the idea. The only thing Stacy had wanted when she'd bumped into her that night was to run in the other direction. "Sorry if I cock blocked you."

"Saved me, more like."

"Oh come on," Emily swatted her arm. "Maybe this time it wouldn't have been so…"

"Pitiful," Paige chuckled, shaking her head. She had to stop calling Stacy Shepper pitiful. They simply were not compatible in that department and as polite as they'd been while they'd talked, they were definitely not going to be giving things another shot.

"You could do worse than Stacy."

"She could do better," Paige shrugged. The thought seemed to trigger something in her mind, turning her head to look at Emily curiously. "Wait. Weren't you at the party with Samara? Why on earth are you in here getting bladdered with me?"

"We weren't there…exclusively," Emily shrugged, Paige not failing to notice the way Emily's lips tugged into a frown, nor did they miss the way Emily downed her drink once she'd spoke, tossing her cup to one side with a sigh. It was obvious how Emily felt about that.

Paige didn't like Samara.

"So it wasn't a date?"

"She was there with her friends mostly," Emily shook her head, frowning. "Well, one of her friends. _Quinn."_

Paige picked up on the slight venom laced with the name, suddenly realising why it was Emily had felt the need to share their 'quick night cap'.

"I thought the two of you were getting serious?" Paige couldn't help but grimace a little at the thought.

"Well…no, not really," Emily shrugged, though Paige had an inkling that Emily had perhaps thought so too. "Why would you think that?"

"I see her sneaking out of here often enough."

Paige wasn't convinced she'd succeeded in keeping the bitterness out of her voice as she'd spoke. Paige wasn't at all fond of Samara. She was ashamed to admit, even to herself, that she'd considered reporting Samara's comings and goings to the warden a few times. She wasn't jealous, not exactly. There was just something about Samara that she didn't like. Mostly, she knew Emily could do so much better. Paige had a sneaking, or sinking, feeling that Emily's wasn't the only dorm Samara was sneaking out of in the early hours of the morning, at least that's what the rumour mill had lead her to believe.

If the way Emily had spat out Quinn's name was anything to go by, Emily had that sneaking suspicion too.

"Well, we're not," Emily assured her. "She wants to keep it casual."

"Idiot."

Paige couldn't really complain, she was glad Samara was such a fool. Not to say she wanted to see Emily get hurt, she just didn't exactly want to see Emily with Samara either.

"What?"

"Nothing," Paige cleared her throat, locking her hands together behind her head in an attempt to deflect from her slip up. "Are you really happy with that?"

"Sure," Emily shrugged, Paige rolling her eyes. Emily hardly sounded convincing. "There's no pressure. We have a good time."

"So she's no Stacy Shepper then," Paige smirked, earning herself a swat from Emily.

"You're awful."

"So, come on then," Paige grinned, tilting her head until she could look at Emily. "What is the sublime _Samara_ like between the sheets?"

"Paige. No."

"Hey! You just grilled me about poor Shep's prowess," Paige cocked an eyebrow challengingly. "Come on. Tit for…well, tit."

"We've only done it a few times," Emily blushed, suddenly very coy. Paige shook her head in amusement. It was a little late for coy. "We…we're still getting to know one another in that department. I have to admit…we're not exactly clicking just yet, I guess? I mean, it's nice…"

 _"Nice?"_ Paige scoffed, mimicking Emily's tone. "Sex shouldn't just be _nice."_

"No? What do you mean?" Emily asked in genuine confusion. "Surely nice is better than…what did you say about Stacy Shepper?"

"Pitiful," Paige answered, frowning at the word. She _really_ needed to be nicer about Stacy Shepper. "It shouldn't be that either. It should be…"

"Go on," Emily bit back a grin, rolling onto her side to face Paige.

"Never mind."

"No, no," Emily pinched her side, causing Paige to jolt with a yelp. "Do enlighten me. What exactly should sex be, according to Paige McCullers?"

"Alright," Paige rolled over to mirror Emily's position, meeting her gaze with a frown, knowing she wasn't going to get out of it. "I just think, personally, it should be…"

"Well?"

"Well, there should be a connection first of all," Paige began, casting her eyes away from Emily's as she took in the sheer amusement on her friends face. She was often prone to…rambling, a little, whenever she'd had a drink or two, Emily clearly of the opinion that she was about to do just that. It didn't deter her. "It should be passionate. Or crazy, or soft, or slow, or rough or angry…but never just _nice._ And never pitiful. I just…I think there should always be some feeling behind it. It should stay with you, after it's happened. But in a good way. That was the problem with Shep and me. For the most part it was just booze and loneliness. Something was missing, you know?"

"I get what you mean," Emily nodded, shifting a little before continuing, her lips tugging into a frown. "I don't really know how long Samara and I are going to last. It's just…it's nice, being wanted. It's nice, not being alone."

"You're not alone."

Paige winced a little as she spoke, knowing that wasn't what Emily meant. Emily didn't need a reminder that Paige was always there with her.

Emily hadn't meant it like that.

"No," Emily smiled anyway, reaching out to lace their fingers together.

"Yeah," Paige swallowed, her eyes falling to their joined hands, frowning.

 _This._

Moments like this were exactly what Paige was terrified of. If Emily was paying attention, it'd be so easy for her to realise what Paige was feeling. So easy to pick up on the way her breath hitched as their hands joined, so easy to note the way Paige struggled to steady her breathing whenever they were so close to one another.

"I can't really figure you out," Emily mused after a beat, Paige's eyes flitting up to find Emily studying her closely.

"What do you mean?" Paige asked, dropping Emily's hand to instead rub the back of her neck self-consciously, something about the way Emily's eyes bore into her unsettling her.

"I can't decide what you're like. you know."

Emily looked away, Paige swearing Emily was blushing. Paige's brow furrowed in confusion as Emily's gaze fell back to her momentarily, before again looking away sheepishly.

"In bed."

Paige gulped, audibly, she was sure.

"Not like _that,"_ Emily quickly added.

"Oh," Paige deflated, doing her best to mask the bizarre disappointment she felt. She knew Emily hadn't meant it like _that._ She rolled over, taking a gulp of her drink, her eyes screwing shut as it burned.

"I just can't figure you out," Emily repeated, Paige trying not to squirm as she lay back down on her back, eyes bow glued to the ceiling. She had no idea where this was coming from, or where Emily was intending to go with it. "You know, how you go about…doing it."

"You've had sex before, right?" Paige asked dryly, tilting her head to Emily and quirking an eyebrow. She was all too aware Emily had had sex before. As recently as a week ago, with Samara.

Paige really didn't like Samara.

"I'm just curious."

"Well, whatever you do, don't ask Stacy Shepper," Paige smirked, hoping to ease some of the discomfort she felt with a joke. She smiled at the sound of Emily giggling. "If you really want to know, ask Ginny Clarke. She will most definitely give you a _glowing_ review of my skills."

"Oh my god, you're such a sleaze," Emily shook her head as she laughed, shoving Paige playfully.

She shoved a little too hard, Paige grabbing at Emily's arm to stop herself from falling off the bed. Paige rolled back onto her side so they were facing again, smiling at Emily softly as their laughter died away.

"I don't really get what you go for the girls you go for," Emily mused, looking down at her fingers, picking at the comforter. "I mean, Shana, I guess that made sense."

"You _hate_ Shana."

"No I don't. I was just…wary, of her, at first," Emily explained, rolling her eyes at Paige's disbelieving look. "I was."

"Sure."

Paige knew Emily had never liked Shana. The two of them had drifted apart a little when Paige had started dating Shana near the end of their senior year. There'd always been an odd sort of competition between Emily and Shana for Paige's attention which Paige admittedly, in a slightly twisted way, had enjoyed.

"You made a nice enough couple," Emily shrugged. "It's the _Stacy's_ and the _Ginny's_ I'm talking about. Neither of them seem like you're type. I just always picture you with…I don't know...well, not Stacy or Ginny, that's for sure."

"I don't really know if I have a type," Paige shrugged, knowing full well it was a lie. She'd had a type most of her life and her type was suspiciously like the girl barely ten inches in front of her.

"Are you still hooking up with Shana over break?"

"It only happened the once. Winter break," Paige shrugged, sighing. She'd kept in touch with Shana after leaving for college and they'd made a habit of trying to meet up whenever they were both back home, though hooking up had only happened once. Since then they talked, they'd even toyed with the idea of Paige driving down to USC during the summer, though that idea had soon faded.

"Do you think you guys will get back together?" Emily asked, Paige frowning at the question.

Shana had been Paige's only serious relationship, but in truth, they'd never really been _that_ serious. In fact, they'd broke things off specifically before things got too serious so that they could both start college with a clean slate. Admittedly, Paige wasn't sure if they wouldn't fool around any more should the opportunity present itself. It just seemed to happen. Shana was fun. Shana was comfortable. But Shana wasn't the real thing.

"You still like her."

"She's fun," Paige shrugged. "But that's all it is. Fun. She's not what I want."

"And what do you want?"

 _You're what I want._

Paige shrugged. She felt Emily studying her again, meeting her gaze briefly, curiously. She soon tore her eyes away, knowing she was drunk, knowing they were close in a dim lit room on her bed and Paige just didn't quite trust herself not to get lost in Emily's eyes and try something stupid.

"Sometimes," Emily broke the silence once more, Paige's gaze drawn back to her as Emily cleared her throat. "Sometimes, I'm surprised we haven't."

"Haven't what?" Paige asked, looking to Emily in confusion.

"You know," Emily looked away, again seeming almost embarrassed. "I'm surprised we've never…"

"What?"

"Hooked up."

"What?" Paige made an odd, shrill sound, unable to hide her surprise. "Why?"

"I…" Emily shook her head, rolling onto her back in a meek attempt to mask the way her cheeks flushed, Paige only confused further by the sight. "Forget I mentioned it."

"Uh, nice try," Paige shook her head, propping herself up on her elbow. She had to know where that had come form. "What do you mean, you're surprised we've never?"

"I…" Paige simply quirked her eyebrow in curiosity, watching Emily roll her eyes in what appeared to be embarrassment as she fixed her gaze to the ceiling once again. "Look, in high school, I thought that maybe, eventually we'd…" Emily shook her head. "I just thought maybe we would, at some point."

A silence settled over them, Paige watching Emily, dumbfounded thanks to the admission, Emily refusing to look at anything but the ceiling, her cheeks flushed, Paige's mind suddenly racing.

Paige had spent most of high school wishing it would happen between them. Emily had spent at least some of high school thinking it might?

"Why would you have thought that?"

Paige had to know what she meant. Was this just drunken rambling on Emily's part, or was there more to it? Did Emily mean she thought they'd have a one time thing, or had she meant more? Was Emily _suggesting_ something? Paige kept her eyes on Emily's face, taking in the way she bit her lip, goosebumps pricking her skin when Emily eventually turned to face her.

"I don't know," Emily shrugged, biting her lip as she struggled to explain. "I just…well you know, we always had…tension."

 _"Tension?"_

"Yes, tension," Emily looked to Paige, swallowing. "For a little while, I figured that _tension_ was going to…manifest…"

"Into?"

"Sex."

"Sex?"

"Well, yeah," Emily shrugged, her cheeks flushing dark red again as she looked away. "But it didn't, so."

"But you wanted to?"

"I never said that."

"Do you? Want to?" Paige found herself asking after a beat, freezing when she realised she'd spoken the words out loud as opposed to in her head.

 _"Paige."_

"Sorry," Paige apologised, rolling onto her back again, cursing herself inwardly.

Their friendship was perhaps the most special thing in her life. Paige didn't think she'd have made it this far without Emily by her side and she had a feeling that at least in part, that sentiment was mutual. Messing all that up for the sake of a drunken fumble didn't seem worth it.

Paige loved Emily and Emily loved Paige.

But Emily wasn't in love with her.

Emily hadn't moved away, the skin on their arms now touching, Paige's skin burning with the contact. Paige took it as a good sign, their proximity that is. Emily hadn't left, meaning Paige hadn't made things awkward. They were just two drunk friends, babbling incoherently to one another.

About sex.

Sex with each other.

"Paige?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever? Thought about it?" Emily asked, Paige's eyes snapping back to her, trying to gauge exactly why it was Emily kept going back to the subject. She needed to know where all this was coming from. The alcohol was certainly playing it's part, that was for sure, but Paige couldn't help but sense something else. Something lingering. Or was that merely hope clouding her senses?

"Uh…"

"I have." Emily cleared her throat, lacing her fingers together against her stomach as she spoke. "Thought about it."

"You have?" Paige's breath hitched.

"Haven't you?" Emily's eyes fell to Paige, her voice small, unsure.

Nervous even.

"Yeah," Paige admitted after a beat, swallowing hard. "I mean, I guess. Yeah, I've thought about it."

 _Frequently,_ Paige thought. She was certainly thinking about it now. Paige found herself suddenly measuring the closeness between them, wondering if Emily could feel her heartbeat pounding through the mattress, or the way that her skin was tingling every time their skin brushed.

Paige shook her head, closing her eyes and trying to get back to her senses. Emily didn't want to sleep with her. She had just thought about it before. Or she was just thinking about it briefly a second ago. _Or_ she was thinking about it right now, on Paige's bed, in Paige's empty dorm room, lying next to Paige.

 _Dear god._

"Ihavetogopee," Paige stuttered out, shifting from the bed so fast she almost knocked Emily off of it, stumbling towards the door.

Paige just needed to breathe. Her arms steadied herself shakily against the sink once she reached the bathroom down the hall. She splashed her face with water, trying to compose herself, trying to cool her racing thoughts, trying to dispel some of the heat that was coursing through her body.

This wasn't the time to get her hopes up and try something stupid. She'd had her chance with Emily years ago and snuffed it.

Between the two of them, they'd downed 4 beers a piece and half a bottle of whiskey. This, tonight, it was all just drunk talk. Drunken talk they'd laugh about tomorrow, or forget about overnight and pretend never happened, as long as Paige got her act together.

Still, stubbornly, something lingered.

Perhaps it was the whiskey. Perhaps Paige was just too hopeful for her own good. But she couldn't help it, only one question burning in her mind.

What if it wasn't just talk?


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review the first part. As I mentioned, I didn't really know what it was, so it was great to have a lovely response, it's much appreciated. Now I've gotten into it, this is now going to be a little longer than two parts, but still relatively short. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy part two._

* * *

 **An Encounter.**

 **Part Two.**

Emily's eyes widened when she heard the door click shut, releasing a shaky breath once she was sure Paige was gone.

Where on earth had _that_ come from?

Emily wasn't entirely sure why, tonight of all nights, she'd suddenly developed such an interest in Paige's sex life. Though in a way, she guessed she was.

It had all started with Stacy Shepper.

Stacy was an attractive girl. Not really Emily's type, but she could certainly understand why someone would go for her. Why _Paige_ would go for her. Stacy was a freshman on the swim team, a sweet, just on the cusp of being annoyingly friendly girl who'd taken quite a shine to Paige during orientation week. Paige, of course, had been and apparently still was, despite their allegedly far from pleasurable night together, completely oblivious to Stacy's attraction to her.

Emily was constantly baffled by Paige's cluelessness, especially when it came to her own beauty. Paige was a beautiful girl. It was no secret to anyone. That wasn't all; Paige's beauty was only complimented by everything else Paige just so happened to be. Once you got past the initial barrier she'd set up, Paige was one of the kindest, sweetest girls Emily had ever been lucky enough to meet. Not just that; Paige was funny, infallibly honest, bold and brave, sometimes infuriatingly stubborn, yes, but never really to her detriment. There were so many things Emily absolutely adored about her.

It was easy to see why Stacy had taken such a shine to Paige.

Emily hadn't failed to pick up on the signs. The looks Stacy shot Paige's way during practice, the way she blushed whenever they got the chance to speak, the touches that lingered just a little too long to be purely friendly. Yet, despite having noticed all that, when Paige had finally admitted they'd actually got together, it had come as quite a shock to Emily.

Paige didn't really do one night stands. Come to think of it, Paige didn't really date, period. Not all that often and Emily didn't really understand why. Emily _knew_ Paige had a lot to offer the right girl, but apparently, Paige had very little interest in finding her.

Stacy was an attractive girl. Paige could do far worse. But Stacy…she wasn't really right for Paige.

Not in Emily's opinion at least. Emily didn't know _who_ she pictured Paige with exactly, she just knew it definitely wasn't Stacy Shepper. Or, come to think of it, any of the girls Paige had dated thus far.

Paige just deserved…better.

Technically, Emily had went to Timothy Dale's party with Samara Cook. They'd known each other in passing for a while, but only became close when Emily began volunteering at the campus crisis centre. After a month or so of turning her down, Emily had eventually agreed to go on a date.

Despite what everyone seemed to think, Emily didn't find dating easy. There was a running joke with her friends, including Paige, that she was always kind of, sort of, dating someone. But why anyone thought it was easy for her, she didn't know. And why they thought she was flippantly flitting from relationship to relationship, she didn't know either. When it came to girls, _dating_ girls, Emily just always struggled to find any lasting connection.

Something was always just…missing.

Emily liked Samara. Samara was older, breezy and free-spirited and given the train-wreck that had been Emily's winter quarter, she'd returned in the spring deciding that someone like Samara was exactly what she needed in her life. For the first time in a long time, she'd found herself trying to make things work. _Really_ trying. Samara was easy and attentive and Emily knew she could happily spend the rest of the year dating her, at the very least casually.

Emily hadn't expected things to get so physical between them, so fast, but Samara had a charming sort of insistence that she'd found herself easily giving into once or twice. The sex hadn't really lived up to her expectations yet, but Emily was hopeful that in time, that would come.

Emily wasn't sure if they were 'official' just yet and hadn't decided if that was something she really wanted. Samara was happy to keep things casual and at the time, Emily had been more than happy with that. At the party however, she'd found herself stuck with Samara and her friend Quinn, whom Emily had sensed hated her guts from the second they met. Emily hadn't failed to pick up on the not at all subtle way in which Quinn seemed to be flirting with Samara, the touches, the looks. Nor, unfortunately, had she failed to pick up on the way Samara flirted back.

Emily hadn't expected to feel the level of jealousy she had at the sight, but seeing the two of them flirting as they had been, as if she wasn't even there, had left a bitter taste in her mouth all the same.

Emily wasn't sure she wanted them to be serious, but she wasn't sure she wanted them not to be, either.

That confusing jealousy was what had prompted Emily to leave, downing her beer and bidding them goodbye before deciding it was time to seek out Paige. There was a sort of unspoken rule between them, that, regardless of whether or not they'd attended the party together, they'd always make sure the other got home safely. After watching her maybe-girlfriend not even attempting to hide her attraction to someone else right in front of her face, Emily had decided all she wanted in that moment was for Paige to be there, for Paige to take her home.

It still surprised Emily, sometimes, just how close they'd managed to become. There was once a time, back in high school, that they'd seemed destined to become sworn enemies. Thankfully, they'd broken each other down and once they'd breached each others respective defences, they'd become good friends. Now, they were closer than ever. Emily was confident she would've ran home crying during her first semester if it wasn't for Paige living just across the hall.

Paige was her safe space, a piece of home away from home that, in all honesty, was the one thing that kept Emily going as she struggled to adapt to college living. Whenever she was down, Paige knew exactly how to pick her back up.

Which takes us back to Stacy Shepper.

Emily had wandered through the house, trying to avoid any meaningful conversation that would slow her down as she sought out Paige. It didn't take long to find her and when she did, Emily's already sour mood had instantly depleted further. Not only was her maybe-girlfriend likely about to spend the night with somebody else, Stacy Shepper, the all too likeable, sickly-sweet Stacy Shepper, had set her sights on Paige.

Stacy's intentions were perfectly clear, even from across the room. Paige, as always, appeared oblivious, flapping as they spoke in the frustratingly, endearingly clueless way she often did. For reasons Emily couldn't entirely fathom, she'd felt an urgent need to interrupt whatever it was that Stacy was about to suggest.

Emily didn't wan't Paige to go home with Stacy. Maybe that was selfish of her. At the time, Emily hadn't really cared.

Paige always went home with _her._

On the way home, she didn't know why, Emily had found herself fixated on the subject of Stacy and Paige and whatever it was that _Paige_ had done during their brief encounter to have gotten Stacy so interested in a replay. Paige had admitted their night together in some embarrassment a few months earlier and Emily was aware they'd avoided one another ever since, so why the sudden interest on Stacy's part?

Emily, for some reason, found herself needing to know if Paige was interested in another night with Stacy, too.

The questioning had started innocently enough. Then teasing questions about what Paige had done to get Stacy so keen had turned into insistent questioning about exactly why their tryst was so 'pitiful', as Paige put it. Emily smirked at that, though it soon faded. She had no reason to feel so smug about the fact that Stacy Shepper had done _nothing_ for Paige in the bedroom.

What would it matter, if they'd had a good time? What would it matter, if they'd wanted to do it again?

Her questioning had continued beyond that and for some reason innocent enough questions about what Paige had done with Stacy had turned into Emily straight up wanting to know what Paige was like in bed, with anyone, at all, ever. It was like a sickness tonight, one she couldn't quite seem to quell once she'd gotten started.

Emily put it down to the cheap whiskey.

And still, even now that Paige had ran off to the bathroom to hide from the awkwardness the sudden turn in Emily's questioning had obviously created, Emily couldn't help but wonder.

Emily had meant what she'd said. It came as much of a surprise to her as it appeared to have done to Paige. Still, it was true. Something _had_ always lingered between them, but Emily had never really been able to figure out what it was. There were times, especially during high school, that she'd thought she and Paige would come to blows, but it wasn't until giving it further consideration that Emily had realised the fireworks she'd imagined exploding between them didn't involve any sort of fighting.

They involved a whole different F word.

They'd kissed once in high school. It was a totally unremarkable kiss, but one, for Emily at least, that had served as a catalyst. It was thanks to that kiss that she'd found the courage to admit who she really was. What she really wanted.

 _Girls._

All Emily really remembered about the kiss was they way their heads butted painfully as Paige had surged forward and the feel of Paige's slightly sweaty palm against her thigh, the way it shook. It was unremarkable, yes, but the spark Emily had felt when Paige kissed her was unlike anything she'd ever felt with any boy before her. In some ways, Emily regretted not exploring things further with Paige, not that she'd ever admit that, especially to Paige herself.

Though, she supposed she just had.

It wasn't hard to think about. The following years had been difficult for both of them and perhaps together, they'd have managed to struggle through far easier than they had apart. They'd wound up so close, Emily couldn't help but wonder where they'd be now if they had followed up on their first and only kiss. Would they have even made it past their first date?

They were such good friends now, it seemed odd to think of things having turned out any other way.

But, suddenly and without much warning, Emily _was_ thinking about it. And admittedly, it wasn't the first time she had. She'd thought about it before.

Both innocently and…not so innocently.

It had taken around a year for Paige to talk to her again, properly, after their kiss. And then another, for Paige to follow Emily's lead and come out. Eventually, come senior year, they'd been forced together through swimming and had discovered that, in fact, they made quite a good pair. The kiss was all but forgotten and it just felt right, having Paige as a friend.

That wasn't to say Emily didn't have her moments, of course.

Two weeks before Paige had started dating Shana, Emily had grabbed hold of Paige's hand on the way back to Rosewood following a particularly sour away defeat. The team bus was swerving wildly in the storm, lightening had lit up the sky and Emily, despite her best efforts, couldn't hide her terror. Her heart jolted with each flash, with each clatter of thunder, but once Paige tugged her close, she'd settled. She felt safe, with Paige beside her.

Always.

Emily had rested her head against Paige's shoulder with their hands entwined, Paige's head came to rest against her own and it had just felt…right. Paige had brushed her fingers through Emily's hair soothingly, whispering to her softly and in that moment Emily had never felt more connected to anyone.

Nothing ever came of it of course. Emily didn't see why anything would have.

During their first week of college, unsettled by the sudden change and feeling out of her depth in so many ways, Emily had found herself pounding on Paige's door long after midnight. Sydney, Paige's roommate, hadn't really been all that happy about it, but Paige, as always, was ready and willing to comfort her. She'd slept in Paige's bed that night. Paige had kissed her cheek as she'd said goodnight and Emily had ignored the flutter that came along with it. Paige's arms wrapped around her waist tightly and again, she'd never felt safer.

Nothing came of that either, of course.

Emily didn't really know when, exactly, she'd began to think about Paige… _sexually._

Admittedly, it wasn't just tonight. After their less than spectacular kiss at 15, Emily had, on occasion, and _purely_ because of natural teenage curiosity, imagined, late at night, what it would have been like if their kiss had gone a little differently. If it had been softer, slower. If Paige's hand, shaking and sweaty against her thigh had been steadier, if it's movements were more insistent, less nervous. If Paige had been bold enough to touch her…elsewhere. In Emily's version, her Mom hadn't come back to the car five minutes later and ruined the moment.

They were just fantasies. Fantasies that had faded once they'd become friends, distant memories.

Emily didn't fantasise about Paige any more.

Not often.

Sometimes.

And she'd just admitted that to Paige. Out loud. Emily ran a hand across her face, eyes flitting to the door, her brow furrowing. Paige was taking her time and Emily couldn't help but wonder if it was intentional.

In a way, she felt relieved to have admitted it out loud. She _did_ think about Paige that way. More often than she wanted to admit. She often found herself pondering whether Paige was dominant or passive, or a mixture of both. Emily had decided a long time ago that Paige was definitely good in bed.

Paige was far too goal-orientated to be anything but.

What Emily wanted to come of it, if anything, she didn't know. Paige was her rock, her best friend. Someone that understood what she needed before she did. Somebody she couldn't live without. Adding sex into the equation could only complicate things and Emily didn't know what she'd do if it meant she'd end up losing what they had.

Paige was the one person she loved more than anything. But she wasn't in love with Paige.

Emily wasn't sure she was capable of loving anyone.

Emily rubbed at her eyes, glancing to the clock. Given how long Paige seemed to have been in the bathroom, Emily figured it was probably a good idea she left. It was late, she'd obviously made Paige uncomfortable and if she left now they'd be able to laugh it off come the morning. Or pretend it never happened, whichever worked.

Emily couldn't really bring herself to leave though, she just didn't want to. Never did, really. There was just something about Paige's room, about Paige, that made Emily feel at home.

Safe.

Emily sat up, her head whirling a little thanks to the sudden movement, having to take a moment to steady herself before making her decision. She set about the awkward task of tugging off her jeans, kicking them aside once free, before tugging the sheets back and climbing into the bed.

Emily rolled onto her back, taking a deep breath.

 _What was she doing?_

It wasn't long until the door opened, Paige's lean form silhouetted by the light seeping in from the hallway as she stepped inside. The room was shrouded in shadow once Paige clicked the door shut, save for the soft glow of Paige's desk lamp from across the room. Paige made her way back to the bed, stopping short as her eyes focused on the floor, Emily hazarding a guess that they had caught sight of her crumpled jeans.

"I hope you don't mind," Emily held her resolve, clearing her throat. "I don't think I can make it back to my room."

Emily knew full well she could make it the 20 yards or so out into the hallway and across the hall into her own room, climb into her own bed and sleep off whatever it was that had gotten into her. But Emily didn't want to be in her bed.

She wanted to be in Paige's.

"Um, sure. Okay," Paige nodded after a beat, looking around the room oddly, awkwardly, Emily's eye's widening as she watched Paige's gaze settle on Sydney's vacant bed.

"Oh, ah...sleep with me?" Emily asked, screwing her eyes shut in embarrassment as she realised how that sounded. "I ah…I mean…there's plenty of room and Sydney…she might come back."

They both knew she wouldn't.

Sydney had spent every single weekend since the start of the year, without fail, up in Berkeley, visiting her boyfriend. Both of them were well aware of that fact and equally as aware Sydney wouldn't be breaking the tradition any time soon.

"Uh...right. Okay."

Paige, for what it was worth, didn't voice any of the scepticism clearly etched onto her face. Instead, she moved about the room, locking the door with a click before making her way over to the bed. Again, her eyes fell to Emily's jeans, Emily studying her closely, Paige's brow furrowed, chewing her lip as she stared at them. Eventually she moved away, Emily hearing the lamp click off, followed by the rustling of Paige's own jeans as she shrugged them off. Emily then heard a thud, followed by a muted _'fuck'_ as Paige manoeuvred her way back to the bed. Paige sighed heavily as she took a seat on the edge.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Paige turned her head slightly to face her. "I stubbed my toe."

"Oh."

Eventually Paige pulled the sheets back, Emily shifting instinctively to accommodate her as she slipped in alongside her. She shuffled between the sheets, accidentally kicking Emily in the shin as she settled beneath them.

 _"Ow."_

"Sorry."

"It's alright."

Silence settled between them after that. It made sense to Emily; they were in bed after all. Buzzed, and given the awkwardness that seemed to have engulfed them since Paige left for the bathroom, sleeping was likely a very sensible option.

But sensible, perhaps unfortunately, wasn't something Emily was really feeling at the moment.

Emily rolled onto her side, facing Paige. Paige's eyes were closed as she lay on her back, her chest rising and falling steadily, her head tilted away from Emily. She wasn't really asleep, Emily could tell. Emily hesitated, not knowing what it was she actually intended to do, knowing that her gut was right; the best course of action was to close her eyes and sleep off whatever it was that had come over her.

Emily shuffled closer to Paige, their bare legs brushing beneath the sheets. Paige, apparently, had decided to copy her tactic and sleep in just her shirt for the night.

"Paige?"

Emily heard Paige swallow, frowning momentarily. Maybe Paige was really trying to sleep. Emily got the feeling she was pretending to be.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. For letting me stay."

"Don't worry about it," Paige shifted, turning her head to Emily now, Emily able to feel Paige's breathing against her forehead.

Emily reached out, pressing the flat of her palm against Paige's stomach. Paige twitched a little at the contact, though Emily wasn't deterred, shuffling closer, resting her head against Paige's shoulder.

Maybe she could get away with some perfectly innocent, perfectly platonic, snuggling? Emily had, after all, stayed because she wanted to be close to Paige.

 _Really_ close to Paige.

"Paige?"

Emily's voice was low as she spoke, her palm smoothing across Paige's abdomen slowly, Emily hoping the muscles tensing beneath her fingers wasn't a sign of discomfort. Emily knew she was toeing some sort of line, one she couldn't really distinguish, but one she was aware she perhaps shouldn't cross.

"Yeah?" Paige asked, swallowing hard.

Emily opened her mouth to speak, but what it was she wanted to ask, she didn't know. She felt heady, unsure if it was the whiskey, or her proximity to Paige that was making her feel so whoozy. Paige shifted as she faltered, Emily's hand slipping to Paige's hip as Paige turned onto her side to face her.

"Em?" Paige asked, hand shaking a little as she reached out, her thumb brushing against Emily's upper arm soothingly. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just…"

"Em?"

Emily didn't know what possessed her, but it was all she could think of to do.

Much like their first all those years ago, their second kiss wasn't in any way spectacular. Emily had judged poorly exactly where Paige's mouth was, her kiss landing off centre and Paige, in surprise or disgust, offered very little in return. She was frozen in place, as Emily now was, too surprised by her own actions to go any further, but still unwilling to pull away, afraid to face the consequences.

Just as she was about to pull back, to apologise, to beg Paige to forget it, Paige shifted, pressing their lips together properly, firmly. It lasted barely a second, but that was long enough for Emily to feel it.

Whatever it was, it made her head spin.

"Emily…"

"Do you want to?" Emily found herself asking, repeating Paige's question from earlier, except this time the air felt about ten times thicker and their lips were barely centimetres apart.

 _"Emily."_

Emily met Paige's gaze, deep, brown eyes staring back at her in confusion, in disbelief. Emily couldn't find the right words to explain what it was she wanted. She didn't know what she wanted. All she could do was lean in, connecting their lips once more. A chaste, barely there kiss that still managed to send goosebumps prickling across her skin. Paige ran her tongue across her bottom lip when they parted, her face even more confused, but this time something else flickered across her features.

 _Curiosity._

"Are you being serious?"

"I think so," Emily nodded, her stomach dipping as she felt Paige shifting closer.

"Are you _really_ serious?"

Emily nodded, her grip tightening against Paige's hip. She was. Deadly serious. The revelation surprised her, but regardless it hummed through her body; the want, the need.

She wanted Paige.

At least once.

"I'd like to," Emily admitted, her gaze flitting to Paige, before falling away again. "I mean…you haven't, in a while and I haven't…"

Emily let out a laugh, feeling her cheeks beginning to burn, glad she'd stopped herself before admitting aloud that she'd never quite managed to get off whenever she'd slept with Samara thus far. She didn't know why she'd felt the need to justify wanting to with Paige...

"We're drunk."

…well, there was always that reason.

"We are," Emily agreed, smoothing her hand across Paige's side, pushing any and all rational thought aside. She'd already made up her mind. "But I still do…want to. With you."

Paige took in a sharp breath, releasing it shakily, her eyes falling away from Emily's. Emily could see Paige mulling it over in her mind, Emily wondering if, unlike herself, Paige was managing to think rationally.

"It's like you said," Emily continued, tracing her thumb along the hem of Paige's t-shirt, Paige's breath hitching at the contact. "Casual or not…it's always better with a connection, right?"

 _And we've always had one of those._

"Right?"

Paige didn't answer.

When their lips reconnected, Emily whimpered. Actually whimpered. This time, she felt the kiss right down to the core; it effected every inch of her body. Paige moved closer, pressing against her as she deepened the kiss. Kissing Paige wasn't as she remembered. Not that it was fair to compare kissing Paige at fifteen to kissing Paige now. This was different. Paige was kissing her with just the right amount of hunger and just the right amount of caution, the sensation so jarring it was making Emily's head spin.

At some point Paige shifted again, the caution with which she'd started fading away as their tongues brushed against one another, Emily's hands gripping Paige's forearms as she moved to hover above her, able to feel the way they shook as Paige pushed herself up.

"Are you _sure_ you want this?"

Paige _had_ to stop asking her that.

Emily closed her eyes, warding off any thought of the possible ramifications, warding off any doubt. Emily wanted to remain in the moment, too afraid of what would happen to them if they got pulled from it.

They'd started now. It didn't make any sense not to finish.

She leant up, connecting their lips once more, though Paige offered very little in return. Apparently, that had been a question she needed an answer to.

"I want this," Emily murmured against Paige's lips. "I want _you."_

That, apparently, was all Paige had been waiting for. She pressed down into Emily, reconnecting their lips heatedly. The kiss they shared was sloppy, hungry, but it still managed to have an unspeakable effect on Emily. Emily's hands slipped to the small of Paige's back, her fingers scraping across the skin she found there, Paige's shirt having ridden up. Emily urged her closer, groaning at the feel of Paige's weight pressing down on her. Their tongues met again and Paige moaned, the pace slow, the pressure firm, wanting.

Emily moved her hand, covering Paige's. It had become marooned against her hip and she needed more. She gently guided it upwards, Paige moaning again as she got the hint, slipping her hand beneath Emily's shirt.

Emily's skin burned as Paige's hand ghosted across her side slowly, softly, just firm enough to tease, not tickle. Emily's nails dug into Paige's back when Paige's hand cupped her over her bra, biting down on Paige's lip as she moaned. She slipped her hands downwards into the back of Paige's underwear, squeezing her ass firmly.

Paige pulled back, panting hard. She kissed Emily chastely, before her hand slid out from beneath Emily's shirt. Emily met Paige's gaze, unable to read the look she found there, fearing that she'd somehow pushed Paige too far, that she'd managed to snap her back to reality.

Emily pushed Paige off of her, keeping Paige's gaze as she she lifted herself up. Paige opened her mouth to speak, the action cut short by Emily, who reached for the hem of her shirt, tugging it up and off.

Up and…

…she couldn't get it off.

Emily blushed profusely, frowning when she heard Paige puffing out a laugh. She'd hoped it would have been…sexy, for lack of a better word. That stripping off would have tempted Paige to continue. She opened her mouth to protest, to beg for assistance, but Paige had already beat her to it.

Somewhat to her surprise, Paige tugged Emily up onto her knees, pulling the shirt free, up and over her head. She brushed the hair back from Emily's face with one hand, whilst the other wrapped around Emily's waist, holding her close. Their eyes met, the look in Paige's almost…afraid.

Emily got it. She was scared too. Scared of what, she didn't know.

Paige pressed their lips together once more, keeping her eyes fixed on Emily's, as if she was almost studying her reaction. Paige kissed her again, and Emily's eyes fluttered closed. The third time Paige kissed her, she didn't pull away.

The kiss deepened and Emily moaned, grabbing at the hem of Paige's own shirt and tugging it up, her actions hindered by Paige's arms still wrapped around her. Emily pulled back, about to urge Paige to let her continue, until she realised what it was that had Paige so preoccupied. Paige's impatient fingers were working the clasp of her bra, fumbling hopelessly as she struggled to work it free. Emily grabbed Paige's hands, frowning slightly. Paige was still shaking. Emily let go of Paige's shirt, giving up on removing it, instead batting Paige's hands away and reaching back to unclasp her bra.

Paige sat back on her knees, her eye's trailing across Emily's exposed torso intensely, watching as Emily slowly pulled the material from her body. Emily let it fall to the floor, her heart hammering relentlessly as Paige simply stared at her, her hands balling into fists as she resisted the urge to cover herself.

It felt so strange, Paige seeing her like this.

It felt so strange, Paige looking at her like _that._

Paige's eyes were filled with want and she could tell, Paige wanted _her._

It was realising that that finally made Emily falter.

Paige didn't look at her like _that._

They didn't look at each other like this.

There was little time for over-thinking though, Paige already moving towards her, tugging her own shirt up and off before urging Emily back down onto the mattress. Paige smoothed her hand across the skin of Emily's stomach before leaning down, Emily's breath hitching as Paige pressed the softest of kisses just above her navel.

Her mind went blank when Paige continued upwards, kissing, nipping, her nails scraping teasingly across Emily's thighs. Paige's pace was torturous, Emily able to feel that she was already embarrassingly wet. Everything was all so slow, but at the same time, almost too fast. Paige groaned against the skin of her ribcage as her hands came up to cup Emily's now bare breasts, Emily arching up into the touch and whimpering as Paige bit down on the skin there.

Emily's hand gripped the base of Paige's neck, urging her upwards, connecting their lips forcefully. Paige's hands still groped and grasped, a surprising finesse to her movements given the obvious desperation behind them. Emily's hand's smoothed along Paige's shoulders, admiring their muscularity as they slid down her back, undoing the clasp of Paige's bra. Paige was in no hurry to let her remove it however, the material hanging loosely between them as Paige's lips began trailing down across Emily's body once more. Emily whimpered when Paige's lips began exploring her chest, her eyes widening as her mind sobered momentarily.

Paige McCullers was sucking on her nipple.

She was about to have sex with Paige McCullers.

 _What the hell?_

One part of her thought.

 _Finally._

Screamed the other.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello! Thank you for all the wonderful words on the last chapter of this, and sorry for cutting it off at such a cruel point. Here goes the next part, I do hope you all enjoy it :)_

* * *

 **Part Three.**

Paige really hoped Emily hadn't picked up on the way her hands shook.

One marooned against Emily's hip, the other splayed out across the mattress, holding her own weight, Paige's hands were currently the only part of her body openly admitting to just how overwhelming this situation they'd somehow found themselves in felt.

It was taking everything in her not to faint.

Paige was marginally aware that Emily was tugging at the straps of her bra, impatiently, perhaps even urgently, trying and so far failing to pry the material free from Paige's body. It hung loosely around Paige's chest, Paige far too preoccupied to accommodate Emily's unspoken request, her attention needed elsewhere.

Paige's movements were far from calculated, Paige's mind not entirely engaged with her movements, to focused on trying to, well, focus. Paige felt she'd started out strong, but the further they seemed to go, the more real it seemed to feel and the more her confidence wavered. Paige found herself having to pour all of her focus into what she was doing, too afraid to over think things, too afraid to get lost in her mind and make a hash of it all.

If this was her one and only shot with Emily, she wanted to leave a lasting impression.

Still, far too many thoughts swirled around in Paige's mind as her lips eagerly made their way across Emily's skin.

 _Emily's._

Paige shook off the reminder, again fighting to keep her focus on her movements, her lips ghosting along the nape of Emily's neck, continuing their path downwards, over her clavicle and back to Emily's breasts, Paige faltering momentarily as she kissed across the swell. Her ever shaking hand moved up from Emily's hip, Paige feeling dizzy as she cupped Emily's neglected breast, just about finding the courage to squeeze the mound softly. Paige hummed breathlessly against Emily's skin with that, still not quite believing this was actually real.

Paige swallowed hard, again trying to desperately to keep her focus on the task ahead of her, arousal thrumming through her body as Emily arched up from the bed, a moan escaping her lips as Paige's own wrapped around her nipple once again.

 _"Paige."_

Paige's entire body hummed with want as the name fell from Emily's lips. She'd never heard it uttered like that before and suddenly she wanted nothing more than to make Emily say it again.

And again.

And a few more times, if she got lucky.

Eventually, Paige gave in to Emily's insistence, drawing back, her eyes falling instantly to Emily's chest once she'd pulled away. It felt wrong, staring so blatantly, Paige still not entirely sure that she was really allowed to be doing it. Either way, she found it was all she could seem to do. Emily was beyond beautiful, beyond what she'd ever imagined.

And she'd definitely imagined.

Paige swallowed hard, her eyes picking up on the various bruises and blemishes she'd left in her wake moments earlier. She really hoped Emily didn't mind. Emily certainly hadn't appeared to, Paige's mind having spun wantonly with every moan, groan and whimper Emily had released above her.

Paige's senses were in overload. She'd dreamt of seeing Emily like this, of being with Emily like this, in one one way or another, since the very first time she'd discovered the desire to even _think_ of another person like this.

Since then, it had almost always been Emily.

Emily Fields, her very first kiss. Emily Fields, her very first love.

The complete and utter death of her, Emily Fields.

Paige's arms shook, non-surprisingly, as she held herself up, her eyes finally flitting to Emily's own. Paige watched as Emily swallowed hard, trying her best not to look away as Emily stared back at her.

Looking at each other, somehow, made it just a little _too_ real.

Yes, Paige wanted this, but she wasn't entirely sure what _this_ was. Paige was well aware that in some ways, she and Emily were locked in a battle, both trying desperately not to be the one that lost their nerve first, battling not to be the first to give in to the creeping doubt lingering in the back of their minds.

Paige merely assumed Emily felt it too.

All Paige was really certain of was that she was completely and utterly transfixed by how achingly beautiful Emily was beneath her, chest rising and falling erratically thanks to Paige's very own actions. It was incomprehensible to Paige, just how they'd managed to wind up like this, just how lucky she was to be in this position. How no matter what ramifications they faced come the morning, she'd always at least have this moment to savour.

Paige didn't want anything to rob her of the moment, staring down at Emily beneath her, bare and wanting. Waiting, not in any way patiently, for her to continue.

Emily, apparently, tired of waiting fairly quickly. Her hand came up to cup Paige's cheek, drawing their lips together heatedly once again, her hands returning to their previous task of ridding Paige of her bra. This time Paige managed to aid Emily in her insistence, tossing the material to the side unceremoniously once they'd worked it free.

The cold air of the room prickled her skin, but Paige knew full well that the shiver she felt wasn't from the cold. That was thanks to Emily's hands smoothing across Paige's now unobstructed skin, their kiss deepening instinctively as Emily grasped at her greedily.

It felt a little strange, but not entirely uncomfortable, being so openly exposed in front of Emily. Despite every sense in her body feeling heightened and even as she couldn't quite ward off the niggling apprehension in the back of her mind, Paige felt oddly at ease, baring herself to the girl beneath her.

It made sense. Paige couldn't think of anyone in the world that she trusted more than Emily.

Emily's tongue pushed into her mouth impatiently, both moaning loudly as Paige's arms finally gave out, crashing into Emily, their torsos pressing together completely, deliciously. Paige tried to focus on the kiss, not an easy task, given the way Emily's hands had finally slid from Paige's back to her front, cupping her breasts firmly.

Paige felt faint again.

Paige tried her best to cope with the sensation, her senses being overridden as they tried to comprehend what was happening. Her entire body hummed with Emily's touch. Emily's kisses, and god, did Paige love that that was plural, were beyond intoxicating.

But…

...Paige hated that there was a but.

It felt amazing. Emily's skin against her own. It felt amazing, Emily grasping at her so eagerly, so wantonly. The sober part of Paige's mind was barely intelligible in that moment, mostly thanks to Emily's kisses making her feel drunk, coupled with the fact that she was, in fact, drunk.

It was barely intelligible, sure. But still there.

Something was pushing through the haze, prompting Paige to remember just how buzzed they both were, how clouded Emily's judgement must have been. The reminder was insistent and unwelcome, Paige desperately trying to enjoy what she was well aware may be their one and only night together.

The thing was, Paige didn't know if she could cope with it being their one and only night together.

Prior to this, she'd spent a lot of years pining over her one and only kiss with Emily. Paige imagined pining over her one and only night with Emily would only manage to be even more torturous.

They were both drunk. Paige was well aware of that. She wasn't sure she'd ever witnessed Emily the way she'd been earlier on, so full on, so open. As intriguing as Emily's sudden desire for her was and as willingly as she'd allowed herself to fall into the passion that had flared up between them, Paige couldn't quite shake the feeling that she was taking advantage.

Paige held her drink better than Emily did. She always had; it was a fact. A horrible part of Paige's mind feared she'd gotten a little too greedy; that now she was merely taking advantage of her friend, her best friend, in such a vulnerable state.

It didn't matter that Paige had wanted Emily for longer than she could actually remember, or that Emily's hands felt like heaven against her skin, or that her mind fogged deliciously with every sweep of Emily's tongue against her own.

Paige could still hear the voice in the back of her mind clearly, the one that wanted, _needed_ to know why tonight, of all nights, Emily had finally wanted her in return.

Paige wasn't quite far gone enough to ward off the fear that Emily only wanted this, wanted her, because they'd had one to many.

Resisting temptation, however, had never been Paige's strong suit.

Paige suddenly became aware that Emily's hands had left her breasts, instead slipping to her back and sliding along the taught skin, before finally reaching their desired destination. Emily slipped her hands into the back of Paige's underwear, fingers splaying out across the supple skin before squeezing firmly. Paige's mind went blank once again with the action, Emily shifting beneath her, manoeuvring herself just enough to be able to rock up into Paige's thigh.

Paige broke away from the kiss with a groan as Emily began to move slowly against her, the sensation making it hard to breathe. Emily's underwear had moved slightly, Emily's arousal clearly evident on her thigh, arousal she'd played a part in creating. Emily's hand wound tightly into Paige's hair, almost painfully, keeping them flush together as they rocked against one another.

All Paige could do at that point was try to focus, try to breathe. Her arousal rose almost painfully within her, her concern from earlier all but gone as she fell victim to the pleasure that came along with rocking down into Emily. Paige pushed herself up, using the leverage to grind down into Emily harder, making her movements a little more calculated.

 _"Paige."_

Paige moaned. She was never going to get over the way her name sounded when Emily moaned.

Emily's hands gripped the back of Paige's thighs, her nails digging into the skin, only serving to make Paige move faster, harder.

Emily's movements began to falter, Paige chancing meeting Emily's gaze, moaning a little at the sight of Emily Fields so far gone beneath her. Emily began shaking her head, her mouth opening then closing, Paige's brow furrowing instantly in concern. She slowed her hips, her own arousal making it difficult to stop completely, trying to shift enough to get another look at Emily's face, hoping she hadn't gone too far.

"I'm too close," Emily explained in a strained moan, Paige's stomach tightening at the words, suddenly overcome with the desire to make Emily fall apart beneath her. Emily's fingers gripped her hips, urging them to slow down, Paige reluctantly complying.

Paige understood it. She wasn't sure she wanted this to end so quickly either.

She wasn't sure she wanted this to end at all.

Emily's hips kicked up, taking Paige by surprise, her hands gripping and pushing against Paige's shoulders. Paige eventually took the hint and allowed Emily to switch their positions, her centre throbbing at the thought of Emily on top of her, her mind short-circuiting as she tried to imagine exactly what it was Emily was about to do to her.

Emily's plan, however, was flawed.

Paige's bed was no where near big enough to accommodate such a manoeuvre, Paige feeling Emily's weight above her for one torturously brief second, before the mattress disappeared from beneath them, quickly followed by the sensation of tumbling to the ground with a yelp.

Paige grunted in pain as Emily landed smack on top of her, wincing as her head thwacked off the floor beneath her. Paige felt Emily groan into her ear, the sound so far removed from the heady, desperate gasps she'd been making moments earlier.

Eventually Emily pushed herself up with one arm, her eyes meeting Paige full of concern and apology. Paige shook her head, about to assure her that she felt, for the most part, entirely fine, though she was stopped short by the way Emily was looking at her.

It was wildly inappropriate, given the circumstances, but Paige couldn't seem to stop herself. Suddenly, she was entirely overcome, finding it impossible to subdue the laughter suddenly bubbling up within her. Emily, thankfully, had begun grinning above her, the sweet sound of Emily's own laughter filling Paige's ears seconds later as the two of them proceeded to descend into a fit of giggles.

Amusement was replaced with a foreboding fear once the laughter died away, Emily's face sobering quickly and for an awful moment, Paige feared that the fall had finally jolted them back to their senses.

Paige couldn't decide if that would be a good thing or not.

But then Emily was smiling down at her, something in her eyes telling Paige that yes, the fall had altered the moment they'd been sharing, but no, it hadn't entirely brought it to an end.

Paige cupped Emily's cheek, meeting Emily's eyes with a question.

"You broke my fall, don't worry," Emily laughed breathlessly, her hand slipping to the back of Paige's neck. Paige took in the way Emily released a shaky breath as she stroked the skin there, staring down at her, the intensity of her gaze almost too much to hold.

Almost.

Paige stared up at her, fighting the urge to look away despite desperately wanting to. Something about Emily's gaze had changed and Paige, for the life of her, found herself unable to read it.

It was then, that she finally faltered.

Paige found herself torn; torn between saying something, though what, she didn't know, and trying to pick things up where they left off. She opened her mouth to speak, only to find herself cut off by Emily's lips ghosting softly across her own, slowly, almost timidly. A hint of desperation still lingered, though the urgency from earlier had waned.

Every sweep of their lips now felt measured, cautious, as if both of them were fully aware of the fragility of the moment they now found themselves in, both knowing one false move would shatter it completely.

Emily eventually began moving against Paige once again, slowly this time, cautiously. Paige found the courage to rest her palm on the small of Emily's back, gently guiding her movements. Emily pushed Paige flat against the floor, her hand smoothing across Paige's abdomen, Paige swearing she could feel Emily's hand shaking as her own had before.

Any and all thoughts disappeared once Paige felt Emily's fingertips brushing along the hem of her underwear, Emily pulling back to meet her eyes with a question.

Paige forgot to breathe.

On the one hand, Paige desperately wanted to nod, to say yes to the silent question. But for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to move. Emily appeared similarly frozen above her, her face having changed once more, though this time, it was more in realisation than anything else.

This was it.

Despite the fact they'd almost humped one another into oblivion just moments earlier, Paige knew that this was the definitive point of no return.

"Can I…" Emily began, her words faltering momentarily as she met Paige's eyes. She looked away, swallowing hard, before apparently finding the courage to continue. "Can I touch you?"

Paige felt her stomach tighten at the words, at the sight, both in arousal and something else.

Something that worryingly, felt a lot like trepidation.

It didn't make sense. She wanted Emily. She wanted Emily in every way. She always had.

So why couldn't she say yes?

Paige loved Emily. And staring up at her then, taking in the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the slight haze in Emily's eyes, she'd never felt more certain of it.

And she'd never felt more afraid of it.

Her hand smoothed across Emily's upper arm as she struggled to speak, her words sticking in her throat painfully.

"Paige?"

"What…" Paige began, shaking her head, her words a jumbled mess in her mind. "What is this...to you?"

Emily's eyes went wide once Paige had asked the question, Paige easily very aware, simply just by witnessing that, that Emily didn't have an answer for her.

Paige closed her eyes, grimacing a little. Of everything she could have said, that was perhaps the worst question she could have asked.

She didn't even have to look at Emily. It was easy to see what had happened. Four words and Paige had somehow managed to present Emily with the reality of what they'd just done, what they'd almost gone on to do. Paige knew that despite surviving a fall and a a good bump to the head, the moment, or whatever it was they'd toppled into, wasn't going to survive that.

Emily had been silent for too long.

Reluctantly, Paige opened her eyes, heart sinking as she looked up at Emily.

Emily instantly looked away.

Paige ran her hand over her face, sighing frustratedly, defeatedly. She looked down, suddenly remembering their respective states of undress, covering her face with her hands once more. Paige shifted uncomfortably and Emily seemed to take the hint, rolling off of her.

Emily's gaze flit to her own as she sat up, this time Paige the one to cave in and look away.

Paige sat up, her eyes fixed to the floor ahead of her. She could hear Emily shuffling around her, Paige suddenly not wanting to move, not wanting to acknowledge that this was actually happening. She screwed her eyes shut, cursing herself for opening her big mouth.

Perhaps if she kept her eyes shut, it would all turn out to be some sort of dream.

Paige felt something fall into her lap, opening her eyes to find Emily offering her a subdued flicker of a smile. Paige's eyes then fell to her lap, finding Emily had tossed her her shirt. Paige tugged the material over her head hastily, a brief glance to Emily revealing that she was doing the same. Paige didn't let her gaze linger. Despite what they'd just done, it no longer felt feel right to look.

"Emily…"

Paige didn't know what it was she wanted to say. What she could say.

Where did they go, from here?

Emily turned to Paige once she had her shirt on, her mouth opening, then closing just as quickly. Paige, unable to help herself, found herself doing the same.

"I…" Emily began, trailing off, her attention pulled elsewhere.

The floor was buzzing. Paige followed Emily's gaze, trailing it until her eyes came to rest on Emily's jeans, the pocket lighting up as Emily's phone vibrated against the floor.

Paige's stomach tightened.

"Are you still staying?" Paige found herself asking, drawing Emily's attention back to her. Paige frowned, realising that had been her intention.

They both knew there was only one person who would be calling at this hour and Paige desperately didn't want Emily to answer.

Paige knew it didn't make sense for Emily to stay. She wasn't naive enough to believe that Emily could leave now and that they would both pretend nothing had happened come the morning. They had to talk, at some point, Paige knew that. But it certainly didn't seem like now was the best time for that. Paige, even though it was her own room, felt the urge to run a mile, the air so thick, but no longer with arousal. It now suffocated them with an awkwardness, an uncertainty, perhaps even fear.

Still, Paige couldn't seem to help herself.

"I'll sleep in Sydney's bed. If you'd rather, I..."

Paige looked to her hands, cheeks flushing in embarrassment, feeling somewhat ashamed at just how willingly she was voicing her desperation. For some reason, Emily walking away seemed worse than remaining marooned in the suffocating silence that currently engulfed them.

The buzzing had stopped and the silence was deafening.

"Paige, I…"

"I honestly don't mind if you stay."

"Oh."

Honestly."

"I think I'll…"

The buzzing was back, Emily's eyes falling to her jeans once again. She met Paige's gaze fleetingly, but couldn't seem to hold it. Paige watched intently, wanting to know what Emily was going to do.

"I should get that."

Paige's heart sank, a pang of anger coursing through her. Did Emily really want to speak to Samara, _now,_ of all times? Or was it just cowardice prompting her to answer?

Paige had to admit, it was an easy out.

Paige was able to pick up on the conversation clearly, Samara's all too chirpy voice the only sound filling the room. She'd started by trailing off excuses and half-hearted apologies for what had happened at the party. Emily let her, saying nothing.

Paige sighed. She really hated Samara.

 _'Can I come over?'_

Emily had turned away from Paige, but she had to have been able to feel the way Paige's eyes bore a hole into the back of her head.

"No," Emily shook her head.

Well, that was something at least.

Paige sighed as she stood, gathering the sheets that had fallen with them from the bed, setting about making it up, busying herself more than anything. She didn't entirely trust herself otherwise not to grab the phone from Emily's hands and tell Samara exactly where she could stick it.

 _'Why not?'_

Paige couldn't help but turn back to Emily, though her gaze fell away the moment she realised Emily's attention had apparently been focused on her.

' _Are you jealous?'_

Paige rolled her eyes. Samara uttered something about Emily taking things too far and Paige couldn't hold back the brief scoff that escaped her lips.

Samara didn't know the half of it.

"I'm not jealous. I'm sorry. You could come over, it's just…"

Paige turned again, unable to contain the annoyance flaring up within her as she shot Emily a disbelieving look. _Really?_ She wanted to ask. She just about controlled the rage rising within her. Emily's brow furrowed as she met Paige's gaze, Paige having to turn away before she let it soften her resolve.

Paige was sulking. She was well aware of that, but she couldn't really help it. She ignored Emily's eyes on her as she made her way across the room, climbing into Sydney's bed and tugging the covers up over her head, trying her best to drown out the conversation playing out from Emily's spot on the floor.

It was fairly hopeless, given it was the only sound in the room.

"I'm...hanging out with Paige."

 _'Paige wouldn't mind.'_

"I'm busy. Tomorrow?"

"Just let her come over," Paige murmured, shifting agitatedly as she spoke.

Paige half-meant it at this point. Anything, anything at all, to save her from having to hear this conversation any longer.

"Paige…"

 _'Paige doesn't mind if you leave.'_

"I'm not…" Emily trailed off. "Samara…look, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Paige heard a clatter, guessing it was Emily's phone against the floor, the sound followed by an indignant huff falling from Emily's lips. She could hear Emily's breath, uneven. Perhaps even panicked. Certainly confused.

"Paige."

Paige fought the urge to roll over. She wanted to, to roll over, to talk to Emily, to offer her some reassurance that whatever it was that had come over them, it didn't matter, that no matter what, they'd be okay...

 _"Paige."_

…But rolling over potentially meant saying goodnight, Paige not quite sure she could stomach watching Emily walk away from her. She waited with baited breath, her ears ringing as the seconds dragged, Emily not making any move.

"Fine."

Paige's heard Emily huff, listening as Emily began gathering up her things, her stomach twisting painfully. Paige finally found the courage to roll over, but only in time to watch the door slamming closed as Emily left.


	4. Chapter 4

_Hello there! I hope everyone has had a lovely holiday season :) Thank you as always for the lovely reviews and messages on the last chapter, especially with another sort of cruel ending. Here's the next part, I do hope you all enjoy it and that everyone has a happy new year :)_

* * *

 **Part Four.**

Emily stirred with a groan, the sound muted as it strained against the dryness of her throat.

Why did her head feel like it was about to explode?

Pain was the first thing to greet her as she stirred, a searing, throb of an ache carving it's way across her skull and then back again. Her brain felt about ten times too big for her head, as if bursting to get out, but failing in it's task. Emily's stomach soon made it's presence known, churning unpleasantly as she shifted.

The first coherent thought to form in her mind was just how much she hated drinking, the decision to have a 'quick night cap' one she now sorely regretted.

Emily was, without a doubt, never drinking again.

"Oh no."

It took little time for the rest of her memories to catch up, Emily suddenly remembering that drinking wasn't the only regretful decision she'd made the night before.

"No…no, no, no, no."

Emily pulled the covers up over her head, screwing her eyes shut tight, as if by blocking the light out enough, she'd somehow be able to erase her memories newfound clarity.

Of course, Emily wasn't that lucky.

Stubbornly she lay with her eyes closed, trying to keep as still as possible to appease her ever-churning stomach, willing herself to fall asleep again. Even if sleeping could only offer her a few more hours of ignorance, she would take it. If she could just manage to drift off, the extra sleep would perhaps save her from her burgeoning hangover, along with any and all thoughts of…

Emily threw the sheets off of her herself, her body suddenly flushing with heat.

All she could think about, was Paige.

 _Paige._

Paige McCullers, topless above her. Paige McCullers, half naked below her. Paige's lips against her own, stirring up an unspeakable want within her, the want only increasing the further Paige's lips…

 _"Oh god."_

Emily ran a hand across her face, grimacing as her stomach turned, protesting the sudden movement. The breath she released was shaky, uncertain; aptly so.

What had she done?

Emily sat up gingerly; as much as she wanted to tug the covers back up over her head and pretend the world didn't exist, she knew the idea of getting anymore sleep anytime soon was a long shot. The nausea she felt thanks to the beers and the whiskeys and whatever else she'd guzzled down the night before was unlikely to let up anytime soon and as for her mind, Emily was certain that wasn't going to be resting at all at any point in the near future.

Emily's fingers worked her neck, trying to rub out the creak there, wincing as they passed over a particularly tender spot. She glanced down over herself, frowning when she realised her crumpled shirt was on back to front, her fingers stilling their movements as her memory flit back to Paige.

What was she going to do?

Emily coughed involuntarily, suddenly realising her mouth was painfully dry. Presently, she decided the best thing to do was find water. First water and then…

Emily slumped back on to the bed, sighing.

She had no idea what she was going to do about Paige.

Emily startled, a loud, unwelcome thud against her bedroom door jolting her from her thoughts, the sound only serving to make her head pound further. Emily's heart leapt once she settled from the shock, wondering if perhaps it was Paige.

Emily swung her legs from the bed eagerly, almost instinctively, only to falter once her feet hit the floor.

What if it _was_ Paige?

Emily found herself frozen in place. She wasn't sure how her body would cope with being upright for one thing, nor was she sure she'd worked up the nerve to face Paige just yet.

 _What would she say?_

The thumping returned, less patiently this time, willing Emily in to action.

Emily stood, albeit begrudgingly, before making her way cautiously towards the door, no longer able to determine whether the nausea she felt was down to apprehension or just the product of her hangover. Her stomach knotted as she gripped the door handle, Emily once again finding herself frozen in place.

Another thud against the wood gave Emily the courage to turn the handle, her shoulders slumping when she wasn't greeted by Paige on the other side of the door.

Whether the reflexive reaction was one of relief or one of disappointment, Emily didn't quite know.

"Jesus. Feeling rough, Em?"

Emily met Samara's gaze, hoping her eyes could convey what she didn't have the energy to voice. Emily was well aware she looked like crap; she certainly didn't need a mirror, or the amused smirk on Samara's face, to tell her that.

Students made their way along the hall, a faint wolf-whistle reminding Emily that she was still in a relative state of undress. Her arms were indecisive, unsure whether to to tug down her t-shirt to hide her underwear, or to cover the thin white cotton, leaving little to the imagination, over her chest.

"Late night?"

"Yes," Emily grumbled, coughing, her voice croaky. "What are you doing here?"

"Breakfast," Samara smiled sweetly enough as she spoke, but Emily's stomach could do nothing but twist as the bag Samara held was jiggled in front of her face, the faint waft of bagels not in any way agreeing with her fragile state.

Emily turned, having to rush hurriedly back to her bed, desperately needing to sit down for fear she would barf, or faint, or god knows what else should she continue to stand up. She crawled back into bed, covering herself with the sheet once more, startling a little at the sound of the door clicking shut, her sickness having made her so disorientated that she'd almost forgotten Samara was still there with her. Emily heard Samara making her way towards her, the smell of the food becoming unbearably close.

"I don't mind if you sit next to me, but can you…" Emily shook her head, cupping her stomach as she leant back against the headboard. "Can you please leave the food over there?"

Emily gestured vaguely in the direction of her roommates side of the room, Samara chuckling lightly at the request, but obliging all the same. Emily managed to turn her head just enough to watch as Samara set the food down on Deb's dresser, the sight prompting Emily to check the bed parallel to her to see if Debbie was actually still in it.

Had she even come home last night?

Emily hadn't noticed. She'd been…preoccupied.

Preoccupied with Paige.

 _God._

"I didn't realise you'd drank so much at the party," Samara began as she took a seat on the edge of Emily's bed, crossing her legs so that she was facing Emily fully. "You left pretty early."

"I drank a little more, after," Emily shook her head as she spoke, grimacing a little at the reminder.

It wasn't exactly the best decision she'd ever made.

"With Paige."

Emily's gaze fell away at the sound of Paige's voice spoken aloud, an odd sense of guilt washing through her. She didn't know why; after all, she and Samara weren't exclusive.

Emily frowned, her stomach sinking as she realised that the guilt she felt was in no way directed towards Samara at and in every way directed towards Paige.

What was Paige doing, at that very moment, Emily wondered. Did Paige feel as awful as she did? Paige had always handled her drink better than Emily had, Emily guessing she was probably faring a little better than she was right now.

As for the other thing…Emily was too afraid at that point to even consider what Paige might be thinking.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I was never mad at you," Emily sighed, closing her eyes as she inhaled. The words sounded honest enough as they fell from her lips, but Emily was too preoccupied with trying not to vomit to really engage in the conversation.

"Look, I'm sorry about the party," Samara began, reaching out to squeeze Emily's foot, Emily flinching a little at the well meaning touch. "Quinn and I…" Emily pulled away instinctively at the name, a familiarly confusing jolt of jealousy coursing through her at the mere mention of it. How could she be jealous? How could she be mad, after what she'd done? Emily hugged herself uncomfortably as Samara continued on, undeterred by her surely obvious discomfort. "Quinn and I are old friends. She's just… _tactile…_ "

"Samara, you don't have to…"

"She's just a friend," Samara continued on anyway. "Nothing is going on between us."

"What does it matter?" Emily shrugged, albeit unconvincingly. "We're not exclusive."

"No," Samara agreed. "But still, nothing happened with Quinn. I wouldn't flaunt something like that in front of you…"

 _You pretty much did,_ Emily felt the urge to say, but bit her tongue. She didn't have the energy to argue. She didn't know if she cared enough to argue. When she'd first left the party, yes, she'd cared about it. It had stung to see it. But now, what Samara and Quinn did or didn't do after the party last night was the _last_ thing on her mind.

Now, all she could think about, was Paige.

Paige's face, looking up at her, asking her what it all meant. Emily's heart broke at the thought, the image the only clear thing in her mind. Paige's eyes, always so open, always so honest, willing her to say something.

Emily hadn't been able to give her an answer.

Emily wasn't sure she _had_ an answer.

"Did you go anywhere, afterward?" Samara asked, drawing Emily's attention back to her. Emily looked up to to find that Samara's eyes were no longer on her own; instead they appeared fixed just south of her chin, Emily reaching up self-consciously to cover herself. "Meet up with anyone else?"

"No," Emily shook her head, swallowing. Her eyes fell away, not quite trusting that they wouldn't give something away. "Just to Paige's. We got pretty..."

Emily trailed off, flushing as once again images of herself and Paige flit through her mind, assaulting her senses, confusing her.

"Right," Emily looked up, picking up on the hint of scepticism in Samara's tone, wondering if she was just being paranoid, but certain she could sense suspicion in Samara's features.

"Right."

"So…Paige gave you that then?" Samara asked, gesturing to Emily's neck. Emily's fingers came up instinctively to touch the spot, wincing again as they passed over it, the skin tender. Her eyes grew wide as she realised what it must be, what Samara had been looking at.

 _When had that happened?_

Again her mind flit back to Paige, an out of place twinge pinging low in her belly, cutting through her anxiety briefly as she relived the memory of Paige biting down against her skin, a shiver running through her body involuntarily at the thought.

"Samara, I…"

"Like you said, we aren't exclusive," Samara held her hands up, Emily's body betraying her momentarily, a pang of hurt flashing through her at the coolness in Samara's voice as she said the words, at just how unaffected she appeared to be upon discovering Emily had quite obviously been with someone else. "But Em, you don't have to lie to me about it, if you hooked up with someone else, that's okay. Just be honest about it. I know it wasn't _Paige_ who gave you that…"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Emily found herself asking, surprised by her sudden defensiveness.

 _What was so wrong with Paige?_

"Come on," Samara scoffed, and Emily felt a pang of rage flare up within her at the self-assured, borderline arrogant way in which Samara spoke.

Emily could do a damn sight worse than Paige.

Emily almost voiced her grievance out loud, though she stopped just short of speaking, faltering as once again she was hit with the image of herself and Paige, together, doing what they'd done. Emily's stomach tightened at the thought.

What _had_ they done and what was it going to mean for them, now?

"Emily," Samara's demeanour had changed slightly, her eyes meeting Emily's with what almost appeared to be concern. "You didn't just hook up with some random to get back at me, right?"

"What?" Emily scoffed, slightly offended, as well as feeling slightly off-put. For the first time since they'd known one another, she felt herself entirely disenchanted by Samara's usually enthralling self-assurance. "No. I wouldn't…"

Emily faltered, her chest tightening uncomfortably for the briefest of moments, fearing that _that_ was why she'd flung herself at Paige the night before.

The thought faded but the anxiety stuck. Perhaps more worryingly, Emily was _certain_ that hadn't been the reason she'd…done what she'd done. But if that wasn't why she'd said what she'd said nor the reason they'd done what they'd done, what was?

"Sorry," Samara held her hands up.

"I told you," Emily huffed, wanting to get off the subject. "We just came home."

"Okay, okay," Samara nodded, though still appeared unconvinced. "Look…about this whole 'open relationship' thing…"

Emily closed her eyes as Samara continued, wishing the ground would just swallow her whole and save her from having to have this conversation. She didn't _want_ to have this conversation now. She didn't know if she wanted to have this conversation, period.

"I like you a lot Emily," Samara went on undeterred, reaching out to touch Emily again, Emily opening her eyes ruefully, afraid of what Samara was about to say. "I like being with you. And…look, if you wanted to be a little more serious…I'm willing to give it a shot. I'd like to, give it a shot with you."

Emily's stomach dropped. She'd expected Samara to be calling things off. Her reaction surprised her; Emily didn't know what reaction she'd expected to have, but borderline dread certainly hadn't been it.

Emily liked Samara. She liked her a lot. She enjoyed their time together. Samara was easy, fun, faultlessly attentive, attractive…she could do a lot worse. And here she was, sitting a few feet away from Emily, who surely stunk of booze and (almost) sex and god knows what else, all the while smiling at her, touching her and asking Emily to be with her, exclusively.

To give them a shot.

And all Emily could do, was frown.

"Samara…"

"Oh."

Samara seemed to have read something in Emily's gaze, heard something in her voice, her hand falling away from Emily, her smile fading instantly.

Guilt wracked Emily once again. For the second time in 24 hours, she'd managed to hurt someone thanks to her inability to just give a straight answer. First Paige, lying beneath her, and now Samara, sitting in front of her.

If Emily was certain about anything from the past 24 hours, it was that she was rapidly becoming the worst person in the world.

"Do you want to just keep…"

"I don't know what I want," Emily interjected, the honesty of her words oddly comforting.

"Alright. Sorry," Samara shook her head, rubbing her thighs nervously. "How about we forget I said that. Stick a pin in it, for now. Eat breakfast."

"I don't think I can stomach breakfast," Emily groaned at the thought, sinking further down onto the bed. She met Samara's gaze apologetically. "Water would be pretty good right about now, though."

"Of course. Anything for my girl," Samara smiled at her, standing up to get Emily a bottle, Emily managing the slightest hint of a smile in thanks, before her discomfort at being called Samara's 'girl' kicked in. Samara seemed to pick up on her slip up, stepping away as soon as Emily had took the bottle from her. "Emily…"

"Thank you, for coming over. Bringing breakfast," Emily began, tightening the cap on the bottle and setting it aside. "But I…honestly, I feel like death, right now. I just need to, sleep, or something. I'm sorry, I…"

"Don't apologise. I get it," Samara stuffed her hands in her pockets, nodding at Emily. She was trying her best to appear nonchalant, Emily could tell, but Samara couldn't quite mask the disappointment on her face. "Take some time."

"I'll call you later," Emily spoke, frowning as soon as she'd said it.

It wasn't a promise she was sure she could keep.

Samara nodded, Emily's brow furrowing as she watched Samara walk away, something about the whole situation feeling oddly final. Emily sighed. It was too early to be breaking up with someone. It was too early to be broken up with.

Was that what was even happening?

 _"Was_ it Paige that gave you that?" Samara stalled in the doorway, turning back to Emily.

Emily's voice stuck in her throat. Again, she couldn't form an answer.

"Huh."

"What?" Emily found herself asking, self-consciously, unable to read whatever it was written on Samara's face, but the look there setting Emily on edge all the same.

"Nothing," Samara shook her head. "Talk later, I guess."

With that, Samara left, Emily pulling the covers back up over her head once again, deciding that sleeping the day away wasn't such a bad idea after all.

* * *

Sleep had alluded her completely, but after an hour or so of lying silent in despair and the feat of managing to stomach half of a bagel, Emily was eventually beginning to feel a little more like a person.

An awful person. But a person, all the same.

What had she done?

Emily knew she should have been feeling a little more guilt about Samara, but it was no use. It was Paige's face that haunted her, looking up at her, so hopeful, so afraid.

Did Paige…?

Emily shook her head, silently urging herself to stop being so ridiculous. They had gotten carried away and Paige, ever the one to try and protect her, had simply realised the possible implications of going all the way before Emily had.

Paige didn't have 'feelings' for her. Not like that.

Paige _couldn't._

Though, putting a stop to it when they had done had hardly saved them from anything. Emily wasn't entirely sure that stopping when they had, hadn't just made things even worse. If anything, it left a question, a question that she didn't want to ask herself.

Did she want to continue?

Not that that was an option now, of course. Emily wished for one selfish moment that they had just gone further. If this was going to ruin their friendship, they could have at least…

Emily sighed, hating herself for even thinking that way.

Emily pushed herself up from the bed, happy to find that Debbie's bed was still vacant. She pulled her tousled hair back into a messy bun, deciding she had to at least think about functioning at some point that day; for all she wanted to lay there and pretend that nothing existed outside of this room, Emily knew it was hardly practical.

For one, Emily desperately needed to pee. And shower, and eat just about every junk food she could think of, now that her stomach had finally settled some. But to do any of those things, she had to leave her room. And to leave her room, she had to open her door. And directly opposite her door, was Paige's door.

 _Paige._

Part of Emily burned for her. She wanted to just run across the hall, hammer on Paige's door and…

…and…

Emily groaned, hitting out at her mattress petulantly, frustrated. Did she want to beg Paige to forget it? To apologise and promise she'd never let it happen again? She hated the thought of a drunken mistake driving a wedge between them, she _hated_ the thought of losing what she had with Paige.

But regardless of how it pained her, she still couldn't seem to summon up the courage to do anything about it.

Emily sighed sadly, her heart clenching. Usually, the one person she would go to for advice about something like this, was Paige.

After a long moment of deliberation, Emily grabbed her phone, staring down at it for a moment as she looked at the screen hopelessly.

 _"Fuck."_

Emily groaned, her fingertip tracing a noticeable crack in the screen. She couldn't really recall when that had happened, only knowing it had to have been last night.

It still worked, which was something.

Emily hesitated for a while, not sure who she wanted to call, not sure if she actually wanted to speak to anyone, but feeling like she desperately needed to. After deliberating who best to contact, she settled on a number, dialling it quickly before she had the chance to back out.

She glanced to the clock, trying to work out the time difference, deciding it should be okay. Aria Montgomery didn't really go out much these days, not since leaving high school, a pang of sadness hitting Emily, as it always did whenever she thought about it, at the thought of her friend losing so much of freedom, even now still, thanks to what had happened to her back then.

If Emily ever got her hands on Ezra Fitz, she'd…

"Hey Em," Aria's soothing tone calmed the bloodlust rising within her, Emily relaxing a little at the sound of her friends voice. "This is a nice surprise."

Emily had made friends in college, but none quite like the ones she'd left behind at home, or brought with her, in Paige's case. The rest of them were scattered about the country; Emily in California, Hanna and Aria on the East Coast and Spencer having wound up in Europe.

"I've missed you," Emily found herself saying, laughing a little. She meant it. They spoke as often as they could, but not as often as they used to. She regretted it, in some ways, but it wasn't something that particularly troubled her. They were close, in so many ways and Emily knew no matter the distance, very little could break their bond.

They chatted seamlessly for a while, falling into conversation naturally, catching each other up on the latest. Despite the ease in which they spoke, Emily, naturally, couldn't help but be distracted.

"So…what's up?" Aria seemed to have noticed, Emily in some ways thankful that she'd picked up on it, giving her a way in, but guilty, that she'd called Aria more for selfish reasons that for a general catch up.

Still, Emily hesitated, unsure if she could admit to what had happened out loud. If she admitted it loud, that would make it real, _unavoidably_ real, and even worse, she still couldn't explain it, nor answer any of the questions Aria would surely have.

Emily hesitated for a second longer, before biting the bullet.

"I did something stupid last night."

Understatement of the century.

"What kind of stupid, Em?"

Emily didn't know where to begin. She started with the party, seeing Samara and Quinn together, getting easily sidetracked once she began describing what had happened between them when Samara had showed up that morning…

"Wait," Aria interjected. "Samara asked you to be exclusive with her _after_ finding out you had a hickey from some other girl?"

"Sort of," Emily shrugged, shaking her head at the thought. Now that she thought about it, it didn't really make all that much sense to her, either.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Who gave you the hickey?" Aria asked. "I'm guessing that's the 'something stupid' part?"

"Yeah," Emily sighed, suddenly losing her nerve. "Definitely the 'something stupid' part."

"Em?" Aria prompted her, her voice predictably gentle, setting some of Emily's nerves at ease. She knew Aria wouldn't judge her and the prospect of getting it off her chest was certainly tempting. "What is it?"

"I got drunk, after the party. Really drunk. With Paige, and…" Emily trailed off, still afraid to say it out loud, knowing it would only solidify the fact that it was real, that what happened had actually happened. "And…"

"You got with _Paige?"_ Aria came to the conclusion herself, her tone slightly surprised, but not at all judgemental.

"We did. I mean didn't go all the…we almost."

"Wow. Okay," Emily waited patiently as Aria mulled the information over. "And?"

 _"And?"_ Emily repeated the question, brow furrowing her.

"Did you want to?" Aria asked, the question sounding so simple as it fell from her lips.

But nothing about it was simple. Yes, she'd wanted to. More than wanted to, which she'd admitted to, happily, in the moment. The realisation merely confused Emily once again, the weight of that admission ten times heavier now that she didn't have the mask of alcohol clouding her mind.

"At the time. Yes. I…" Emily shook her head, almost laughing with the hopelessness she felt. "I wanted nothing else but to…but now…now..."

Now, she had no idea what she wanted.

"Damn," Aria sighed, Emily finding a fleeting comfort in the fact Aria understood her conundrum.

"What am I going to do?" Emily asked hopelessly, flopping back onto the bed.

"Have you spoken to Paige?"

 _"Aria."_

"Right. Of course not."

"What would I even say?" Emily shook her head, still plagued by Paige's face staring up at her.

"You'll have to face her at some point," Aria pointed out the obvious.

Emily _knew_ she had to talk to Paige at some point. She couldn't avoid her forever and she owed it to Paige, to the bond they'd shared for so long, to make up for whatever it was they'd done. Whatever it was she'd started.

She had to speak with Paige, because she couldn't risk losing her.

What Emily couldn't do, was find herself in front Paige again, faced with more questions she couldn't give her answers to. It wouldn't be fair.

Problem was, she had no idea when those answers were going to come to her.

"Emily," Aria began, something about the caution in her tone stirring up an unease deep in Emily's belly. "You know that Paige…I mean you _know_ she…"

"She what?"

"Come on," Aria half-laughed, Emily again set on edge by the slight hint of apprehension in Aria's tone. "You _really_ don't know?"

 _"Aria,"_ Emily urged her, suddenly filled with an impatient anxiety. "Don't know what?"

"Emily," Aria hesitated. "Paige has been in love with you since…"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Emily," Aria urged her to listen. "Think about it."

 _"Aria,"_ Emily shook her head incredulously. Aria had clearly lost her mind. "Don't be so…"

 _Ridiculous._

Paige wasn't.

Paige couldn't…

Could she?


	5. Chapter 5

_Hello! Thank you for all of the kind words on the last part, it really does mean a lot that people have taken to this story, whatever it may turn out to be. A_ _pologies for the wait :)_

* * *

 **Part Five.**

Paige stared down at her hands, frowning.

How had she ended up with two?

Leaving the dorms was something that, in hindsight, had been a relatively poor decision on Paige's part. She'd been made keenly aware of that fact the second she'd made it out the front door; Paige had found the stairs far more taxing than usual and for the first time in almost a year on the West Coast, the California sun felt almost unbearable beating down on her skin.

Paige's body protested the direct sunlight and the heat coupled with her hangover-induced dehydration had made what was supposedly a short walk to the nearest coffee shop feel torturously elongated.

Paige had tried to stay in bed. _Really_ tried. It should've been easy, given that Paige hadn't actually fallen asleep until light had begun poking its way through her curtains. When Paige had torn herself away from her, or more correctly _Sydney's_ bed that morning, she'd been confident she was running on roughly little more than two hours sleep.

Paige had woke feeling antsy, agitated even. There had been no fleeting calm as she'd stirred like there usually was, no brief moment of ignorant bliss before reality had set in. An amalgamation of numerous unpleasant and conflicting emotions had plagued her from the get go and Paige, unwilling to lay there and face them head on, had been unstoppable since deciding she had to make a move.

It didn't matter if her head thudded dully with every step she took, or if, even with sunglasses, she felt blinded by the sunlight. Stopping meant thinking and thinking wasn't something Paige was willing to even entertain.

At first, Paige had attempted to go for a run, but thankfully she'd quickly heeded her tired body's warning and settled for something a little less strenuous. Coffee became her backup plan.

It seemed like reasonable enough solution. Heading out for coffee gave Paige both a destination and a purpose to focus on, something she was thankful for, given her aforementioned resolve to never think about another thing again, ever. She'd chosen a small shop just off campus, one not too far out, but far away enough to ensure she wouldn't be likely to bump into many, if any, people she knew, conversation being another thing she was desperate to avoid.

Queueing had tested her resolve; the music in the shop was far too loud and far too chirpy for so early on a Saturday morning and there were far too many people around, too. Paige felt embittered towards them; why were they so awake and why were they so happy?

By the time Paige reached the counter she'd worked herself up into an agitatedly distracted mess, so distracted by her dislike of human beings and Saturday mornings and quirky-folksy-pop music that she'd ended up, inadvertently, presenting herself with her first dilemma of the day.

It happened by instinct.

Paige had reached the front of the queue and without giving it a second thought, rolled off her usual order.

'Usual' being the problem.

One Americano, straight and the same for herself, but white. Paige hadn't even realised she'd ordered two until she was back en route to the dorms.

So there she was, standing aimlessly in the street, staring down at the two cups in her hands hopelessly. One for herself and the other for Emily.

Emily, who she was presently trying so desperately to forget.

Paige didn't know why it surprised her. It was something she usually did on occasion; she'd finish up her morning run and on the (surprisingly frequent) days where she'd failed to convince Emily to join her, she'd get Emily some coffee on the way back to the dorms. Sometimes she'd throw in a light breakfast for both of them, depending on what the day ahead had to offer. Whenever they'd had a night like the night before, Paige would take it upon herself to do a coffee run, knowing Emily usually suffered the worst out of both of them when it came to hangovers and that she would usually be in dire need of one around about now.

Though, of course, there'd never been any nights like the night before.

Paige pushed on as that thought sprung to mind, ignoring the way the cups began to burn her palms as she gripped them tight, picking up her pace. Suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to be back in her room, cocooned from the world, buried beneath her covers.

Covers that she and Emily had tangled themselves in, barely 10 hours earlier.

Paige took a sharp right, leading her onto a shortcut of sorts, a route that she wasn't as familiar with, but one she felt confident would get her home quicker. She just wanted to get home. Needed to. All the space the outdoors offered was giving her time to think and to think about the night before and everything they'd done or hadn't done was something Paige didn't feel like she could manage just yet.

If ever.

Paige knew deep down, despite her dogged determination to prove herself otherwise, that it was no use. The more she tried not to confront it, the more the night before assaulted her mind, only growing with insistence the more she tried to block it out. She knew trying to ignoring it was hopeless, but she'd be damned if she wasn't going to give it her best shot.

It was easier said than done, of course.

Paige could still feel it.

All of it.

Every last detail, the good and the bad. Paige could still feel the way her body felt when Emily had kissed her, the kiss falling just short of her lips, the way her mind had spun at the simple contact. She could still feel the apprehension and then the rush she'd felt when she'd taken the risk and connected their lips fully. She could still hear the way Emily whimpered.

Whimpered because of _her_.

It hadn't been perfect. In some ways, Paige knew that was just how they worked. Always destined to be perfectly imperfect. Their connection was seamless, that Paige was certain of, but their bodies, as well as their minds, were so often playing catch up to that fact. It made sense to Paige that the intimacy they'd shared, however fleeting, had been the same.

All so eager, but all so cautious.

For all it felt wrong to, for all she battled not to, Paige could still see Emily in front of her, looking at her with the most enthralling mixture of want and lust and caution. She couldn't forget how beautiful Emily was in her entirety, beautiful too overused a word to describe what Paige had bore witness to. Even now, marred by shame and confusion and everything else in-between, Paige's body still reacted to the thought of her hands and lips having had the privilege to explore Emily's bare skin, to kiss Emily's lips, to feel Emily's body moving against her own.

It consumed Paige.

And it terrified her.

Because as wonderful as it had been, that was last night. Safe beneath the cloud of whiskey and beer and whatever else they'd been under the influence of. They had, figuratively and literally, since came crashing down to earth with a bump and now Paige hadn't a clue where they stood with regards to one another. The thought of what it could mean for them now, for their friendship, left a sickness deep in Paige's stomach that wouldn't shift.

Paige wanted to take it back. Desperately. She didn't want to lose her best friend. Couldn't.

But then there was the part of her that didn't want to take it back. There was the other part of her, the part of her she'd kept at bay so doggedly, for so long; the part of her that wanted more.

Paige broke into a light jog when she reached the outskirts of campus, ignoring the few confused glances sent her way as her body protested the simple exertion. It no longer felt right to be still. Stillness was allowing her mind to wander and her mind wandering was something Paige just couldn't cope with right now.

Paige picked up her pace once she reached her dorm, practically grunting her responses to the few 'mornings' and 'hellos' offered to her as she took the stairs two at a time. Her body made its exhaustion known as she ploughed on, Paige continuing the hard slog up to her floor, stalling only once her room was in sight.

The door was slightly ajar.

The light spilling out from the slight crack in her door suggested that the curtains had been drawn, something Paige hadn't bothered to do before leaving that morning. For one irrational moment, she feared she'd been burgled.

In the following (also pretty irrational) moment, Paige's heart lurched, wondering if perhaps Emily had returned in search of her and for a moment Paige was held still by the worry of that, worrying if worrying was the right word for it, fearing that instead that 'hoping' was more appropriate, all of Paige's thoughts tinged with an apprehension that was making her head spin.

Paige came to her senses quickly, knowing Emily wouldn't do that, break into her room unannounced.

At least, not after last night.

It was then that Paige let her attention fall to the doorway across the hall. Emily's door was closed, Paige rocking forward fleetingly, a part of her considering just saying 'fuck it' and delivering the coffee anyway. A peace offering, of sorts. She wasn't sure what would come of any conversation they would have, but she did have a feeling getting it over with quickly, like ripping off a band aid, would probably save her a lot of heartache.

Though, on second thought, probably not.

The fleeting resolve to endure the awkwardness and whatever else that would fester between them should they come face to face faded quickly, Paige too afraid of what she'd do or say should she see Emily in the flesh to take that leap. Paige wasn't sure if Emily would even _want_ to see her.

Paige wasn't sure if she actually wanted to see Emily, the unfamiliar feeling causing her heart to twist.

In any other instance, feeling the way she currently felt, the only place Paige would usually want to be would be wherever Emily was. It wasn't that Paige would necessarily talk to Emily about whatever it was that was bothering her, Emily tended to have to coax that out of her, it was merely the fact that just being around Emily always offered her a comfort, a calm.

Today the thought of Emily's company offered Paige neither of those things. Her stomach went cold as she let that realisation sink in, Paige realising it was the the first of an untold amount of consequences the night before was inflicting upon on their relationship.

Paige stood for a moment longer, fighting internally with herself, though she wasn't sure if she was urging herself to knock on Emily's door or to go through her own.

Sydney was obviously home, Paige's shoulders slumping a little at the realisation. Paige _loved_ Sydney, felt she had really lucked out when she'd wound up with Sydney as her roommate, but Paige didn't really know if she was ready to face her just yet.

Paige grew anxious then, wondering if Sydney would know somehow, just by looking at her, that something was different. That something had happened. It seemed irrational, but then of course Paige _had_ left their room in a state, Paige wondering if that, coupled with her general demeanour would…

"Morning Paige."

Paige didn't manage to hold back the grimace that graced her features, or the way her body seemed to slump in a sigh. Paige didn't have the energy to feel rude about it, only thankful that the greeting had come from behind her, that her face was obscured.

Paige wasn't entirely sure she'd managed to make any improvement as she turned, fairly confident that the smile she offered was laced with both the distain and the disappointment she felt at Samara's sudden presence.

"Hi."

Paige's tone did little to help mask either of those things, either.

"Oh. Did you grab coffee for Em, too?" Samara asked, holding the items in her hands up as if to say _'whoops'_.

Paige frowned, then seethed as Samara continued to smile at her innocently, politely, what Paige wanted to believe was falsely. Paige got the impression Samara didn't like her, though she wasn't sure if that was just her own personal dislike of Samara clouding her vision. Paige's gaze fell to Samara's hands, taking in the two coffees as well as the brown bag winched between her thumb and the cup holder.

Bagels. Paige's stomach rumbled as the scent met her nostrils, suddenly regretting the fact she'd elected not to pick up any food of her own on her jaunt that morning.

"I probably should have called ahead…"

 _Technically you did._ Paige bit her tongue, certain her face was displaying the fickle annoyance she was presently trying to quell.

"They're for…me," Paige tipped her head to her apartment, taking a step away from Emily's side of the hall instinctively. "And Syd."

"Your roommate," Samara nodded in acknowledgement.

"Bingo," Paige offered her a forced smile. "Well, have fun."

"Thanks. See y…"

Paige didn't wait for a response, spinning on her heel and shouldering her door open fully, before promptly kicking it shut once safe inside.

Paige softened instantly as she sank back against the door, knowing that she had no _real_ reason to be so rude to Samara.

Samara had every right to visit Emily. Paige knew that. Despite her jealously, and it _was_ jealously, despite how desperately her brain willed her to deny it, Paige knew it wasn't something that she could complain about. Yes, it hurt. Yes, for whatever reason, she'd always hated Samara with a passion, but she realised now it had little to do with Samara and everything to do with herself.

Paige hated Samara because she was with Emily, plain and simple. It was senseless to deny it, especially now, when she'd already given everything else away. Paige knew that under any other circumstances, she'd probably feel little else but indifference toward Samara.

Paige had to face facts. Emily was, at least partially, still _with_ Samara and if Samara wanted to surprise Emily with breakfast then that, Paige knew, was none of her business.

In some ways, it was merely comforting to her to know that Samara hadn't turned up the night before. That Emily hadn't left Paige's room to be with her. Not that Paige thought Emily would do something like that. Though, she'd also never thought Emily would be the type to hit her up for casual sex, so…

Paige shoulders slumped, first in sadness, then in guilt. Speaking of the night before, did that make her the other woman now?

Paige rubbished the thought quickly. Emily and Samara weren't 'exclusive' after all. And she and Emily…well, they were nothing at all.

"Earth to McCullers?"

"What?" Paige looked up, her eyes focusing on Sydney who was sat on the floor, back resting against her bed as she rummaged through her overnight bag.

Paige waved meekly in response, making her way across the room to mirror Sydney's position on her own side, setting the coffees between them as she sank back against her bed.

"Everything okay?"

Paige panicked for a moment, fearing she'd been rumbled already.

She hadn't even _spoke_ yet.

"You look like you just watched a dog get run over or something."

"I'm fine," Paige shrugged off Sydney's concern. "Take one."

"How did you know I was back?" Sydney asked, taking the coffee on the left, Paige's order. Paige let her have it, having already decided she no longer wanted coffee. Her stomach had gone cold all of a sudden, her fleeting appetite quickly lost.

"Lucky guess."

"Sure," Sydney eyed her suspiciously, though let it go. "So, Timmy's party was a success I take it?"

"God no."

"Uh huh," Sydney smirked as Paige took off her sunglasses, tossing them aside. "Look, I'm all for you having fun while I'm away but…clean up your shit afterwards, perhaps?"

Sydney's tone was in no way demanding, nor was it in any way angry. It was almost playful and Paige managed her first and only smile of the morning, able to guess what was coming next.

"It's making me feel left out."

"Trust me," Paige shook her head as she fought off a yawn. "You didn't miss anything."

"Gotta admit, I'm glad I missed that," Sydney mused, tipping her head to the empty bottle of probably-whiskey, Paige's stomach churning a little at the sight of it.

"You _really_ should be."

"So come on then," Sydney eyed her, Paige shifting uncomfortably under the sudden scrutiny, not liking the glint of playfulness in Sydney's eyes. Nothing good ever came from that look. "Fess up."

"What?" Paige's eyes widened a little, though she tried to mask her alarm, knowing there was no way Sydney could know about last night.

None.

 _Surely._

"Come on," Sydney goaded her, Paige opening her mouth to protest, only to sigh heavily.

Was protesting really worth it? Sydney would get it out of her at some point, probably. Paige just didn't know if she was ready to admit to what they'd done, or worse, admit to what it had meant to her. Then there was of course the fact that Sydney was as much Emily's friend as her own, Paige not sure how that would impact their dynamic.

"There's nothing to tell," Paige cleared her throat, her gaze falling away guiltily.

"Well, you obviously had yourself a little after party…"

 _Regretfully._

"And you obviously drank a little too much…"

"You're so perceptive, Syd," Paige drolled.

"And you're oh so cranky," Sydney smiled as she spoke, Paige groaning as she watched Sydney shuffle across the floor in favor of sitting beside her. "Do tell; who slept in my bed last night?"

"Uh, that would be me," Paige faltered, the memory of why she'd opted to sleep in Sydney's bed hitting her like a sucker punch to the gullet.

What if she'd been brave enough to turn over last night? What if she'd found the courage to face Emily, instead of letting her leave?

"Did you have someone in yours?" Sydney teased, jabbing Paige in the side playfully and pulling her from her thoughts.

"What? No."

"No?"

Sydney didn't sound convinced.

"No," Paige repeated herself.

"Then why…"

"Closer to the door," Paige managed to sputter out, thinking on her feet. "In case I barfed."

"Right," Sydney nodded, but again, didn't sound convinced. "So you didn't get laid last night then?"

"Syd, _no."_

Technically, it wasn't a lie.

Not exactly.

"What! I'm just asking," Sydney held a hand up in surrender as she took a sip of the coffee, making a face as she swallowed it down. Paige frowned. Sydney was strictly a latte drinker, always with more than a sensible heaping of sugar thrown in for good measure. She had to have realized by now that the coffee in her hands hadn't been intended for her, but somewhat to Paige's surprise, elected not to bring it up. "You can't blame me for jumping to conclusions. When I walked in here there were sheets everywhere, not to mention the fact our room stinks of booze and…well, not to be gross, but _vagina…"_

"Jesus, Sydney!"

Paige buried her face in her hands, wanting, _needing_ Sydney to stop talking. She was far too animated for Paige just then, far too excitable. Paige didn't have the energy to combat it, nor did she share Sydney's her enthusiasm.

There was certainly nothing to be excited about.

"I didn't have sex."

"Alright," Sydney shrugged, Paige relaxing a little as she relented.

It didn't last, of course.

"Who does that belong to then?"

Sydney quirked her eyebrow victoriously, Paige unnerved by the vindication in her stare, her eyes following Sydney's gaze as it moved, surveying the damage as she did so. Paige's pillows were on the floor, along with half her bedsheet, her jeans still discarded alongside the liquor bottle, which was lying next to her…

…no, not hers.

 _Shit._

"Ha! Knew it."

Paige could barely acknowledge Sydney's suddenly glee, her eyes too busy focusing on the bra on the bedroom floor.

Not her bra.

Emily's.

"Oh my god," Sydney grinned giddily, nudging Paige with her foot. "Who was it? Don't even think about telling me it's one of yours. It's far too…"

"It's Emily's," Paige shook her head, interjecting, Emily's name sounding heavy on her tongue, laden.

" _Emily's?"_

Sydney sounded surprised, skeptical even. Paige looked to her, shifting uncomfortably under the expectant stare.

A part of her just wanted to say yes.

 _Yes_. It's Emily's bra. _Yes_. It came off because I'd tried to tear it from her, but I was too drunk and fumbling and afraid to manage it so Emily did it for me. _Yes_. They were probably the single greatest ten seconds of my life, watching her take it off, eyes on mine. The single greatest ten seconds of my life, until ten seconds later, when her lips were on my own and my hands were…

"No. Way," Sydney shook her head, eying Paige in disbelief. "I mean… _yes_ way, but… _no way._ Emily?"

Paige shook her head. She seemed incapable of doing anything else, besides shake her head. She could see the flicker of excitement in Sydney's eyes, an excitement she didn't share, because it wasn't like that.

It wasn't something to be excited about.

What it was, was a disaster.

"We had a few drinks," Paige cleared her throat, shaking off the images in her mind as the evening replayed itself of it's own accord, wondering how best to explain, wondering if she even wanted to even attempt an explanation.

"You're kidding me…"

"She…we just…settle down, will you," Paige's shoulders sank, her eyes falling away from Sydney's excited, expectant stare. "She must have taken it off, gotten uncomfortable or something and left it by mistake. You know how it is."

"Oh, right. Yeah," Sydney accepted the excuse without question, Paige feeling little relief in it as Sydney puffed out a laugh. "For a second there you had me thinking you'd actually hooked up with Emily."

"Fooled you," Paige shrugged meekly as Sydney laughed.

"Paige?"

"Mmm?"

"Okay, this is a weird question…"

Paige groaned, tipping her head back, letting her eyes close over as it came to rest against the mattress.

"Lighten up, will you," Sydney nudged her again. "Have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Hooked up with Emily? Before, I mean."

Paige sighed heavily, the weight of the question making her uncomfortable.

"Course not," Paige shook her head, keeping her eyes closed lest they give something away.

"Really?"

"Why is that such a surprise to you?" Paige tilted her head, trying to hold Sydney's gaze as her eyes opened, hoping they wouldn't give away her curiosity, her concern.

"You're just…so close," Sydney shrugged, toying with the lid of her cup. "And I'm not…I mean I'm not saying that just because you're close and you're both gay that you'd automatically hook up, or whatever, but you just seem like…you're just…"

"What?"

"You're _so_ close."

Sydney's answer made little sense to Paige and she didn't appear to be offering much in the way of elaboration. Paige was thankful for that, something about the observation having made her uncomfortable, something about they way Sydney said it making her recall the way Emily had remarked her own surprise that 'they hadn't'.

 _Sometimes, I'm surprised we haven't._

Paige turned the words over in her mind, still, even now, confused about what Emily had meant.

In some ways, Paige wished she hadn't pressed Emily to explain.

If she hadn't of pressed her, maybe Emily wouldn't have decided she wanted to...whatever that was, and maybe they wouldn't be in the situation they were in now.

Whatever _that_ was.

"Paige?"

"What?"

"You okay? You spaced for a second there."

"I'm fine," Paige offered her best smile. "I just…I really need a shower."

"You don't need to tell me that," Sydney smirked, earning herself a jab from Paige. Her stomach rumbled loudly, suggesting to Paige that her priorities perhaps lay elsewhere.

"Food."

Paige patted her stomach with a shake of her head.

"I need food."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sydney quirked an eyebrow, Paige merely widening her own eyes further, exaggerated pout gracing her lips. "Uh, think again my friend! I just got home."

"Syd…"

"No."

"Sydney…"

"No."

"But _Sydney…"_

* * *

Paige tipped her head back, enjoying the way the water beat down against her tired skin. She felt sore; perhaps from the exhaustion she felt, but most likely from her fall the night before, the memory of which causing a pang of sadness to shoot through Paige once more.

Paige's record, so far, was ten minutes.

She'd managed to go ten whole minutes without thinking about Emily Fields.

Sydney had eventually gone on a food run and she'd fallen asleep for ten glorious, Emily-less minutes before waking back up to her own personal hell.

This wasn't what Paige imagined their first morning after to be like. And she'd imagined them sharing one before; it seemed a little senseless, denying that now. She hadn't imagined feeling so much regret, and suffering from indigestion and anxiety certainly had never been a part of any fantasy she'd had previously.

Paige's stomach had remained in knots steadily throughout the morning and into early afternoon and it remained that way now, her shower less relaxing and more a means to an end. It was comforting, feeling clean, but it did little to calm her mind, her thoughts continuing to race, questions and fears continuing to trouble her as she lingered beneath the spray.

 _What had happened between them?_

It still plagued Paige. She still couldn't even begin to fathom the events of the previous night. Whilst Paige's initial reaction in her search for reason was to focus on the circumstances surrounding the decision they'd made, specifically the 'drunken' part of that decision, she'd come to realize that perhaps she was neglecting what was probably a very important piece of the puzzle.

It was Emily, who'd made the decision for them.

Emily, who she'd never dreamed would want her, that had brought it up.

Emily had wanted to.

It was that realisation, that was causing Paige so much turmoil. It all just being a drunken mistake was one thing, but the hope that there might have been something else behind it, something more, was maddening.

Paige turned off the shower, burying her face into her towel with a groan. It was driving her insane, trying to work out what Emily had wanted. What Emily might want for them now. Paige knew the sensible solution would be to just ask Emily those things, but Paige was terrified; terrified Emily would run from her, because of what happened. Terrified that she herself would give into her own fears, and run from Emily.

Paige didn't know what she wanted. Not really. She just wanted their friendship to be safe.

It hadn't been just a kiss. When they'd kissed before, way back in the back of Emily's Mom's car, it had felt like Paige's entire world was crumbling around her. Both in the worst of ways and in the best of ways. It had cracked her apart, whilst simultaneously shutting her in. At the time, they hadn't really had a friendship to protect and regardless, it had put a halt to any friendship they may have developed.

She'd pushed Emily away.

What happened last night…it wasn't just a kiss.

It was hunger. It had poured out of Paige, Paige unable to keep it in, be it the alcohol or the mere sensation of Emily before her, _finally_ wanting her back. She'd been waiting for that moment for what felt like forever and she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to act like it hadn't happened. Not even for their friendships sake.

Paige knew then, that she'd been found out. Her one fear, the one she'd guarded so closely for so long, had come true. Emily had to know now, how Paige felt about her. Had to have felt it in the way she'd kissed her so desperately, in the way she'd groped and grasped at her skin greedily, as if she'd never get another chance. If not then, then surely Emily had to have seen it in the way Paige had looked up at her, desperate to know why they were doing what they were doing, desperate to know what it meant to Emily.

Emily's silence had been answer enough, Paige's stomach churning once again at the thought.

It hurt to think that to Emily it really could just be a drunken mistake, that unlike her, torturing herself over every last detail as she had done for the better part of the day, Emily had elected to spend it with Samara, as if nothing had ever happened.

 _Samara._

The more Paige thought about her, the more Paige seethed. Paige wanted to know how Emily could sit there, lay there…whatever it was that she was doing right now alongside Samara and pretend like nothing had happened.

It _had._

Paige heard the bathroom door open, the noise jolting her back to her senses, prompting her to finish the task of drying off. She did it with haste, still not really able to focus, her body tired, but her mind unrelenting. She paused once she'd tugged on her clothes, scraping her hair back into a ponytail as she waited to hear the click of the stall adjacent to her, wanting to make sure whoever it was that had sidled into the bathroom was well out of the way before she left her own stall.

Paige didn't have the patience for small talk at the best of times, that intolerance only increased tenfold by her current predicament.

Paige strained her ears, hearing the stall door open and close, satisfied that the coast was clear. She managed to be a little more cordial to the few people she passed in the halls as she walked slowly back to her room, her greetings far pleasanter than they had been that morning. For all it had felt like a chore to shower, it had made her feel a little better, if not in mind, in body at least. Sydney was dragging her to a movie later, so Paige knew it was in her best interests to at least try and perk up. Paige didn't really feel up to it, but it did offer her another distraction and it had been an offer that she hadn't had the heart to decline.

Sydney _had_ fed her, after all.

Paige ground to a halt when she finally reached her end of the corridor, the light spilling out into the hallway informing her that Emily's door was wide open.

Paige knew she would have to pass the open door to get back into her room.

Paige stood marooned for longer than she knew she should, waiting for nothing, her body refusing to budge regardless as her mind willed her to move forward, to just pass the door and get back into her own room. If she moved quickly enough, she could probably make it inside completely unnoticed.

The question was, could she resist the urge to look?

Paige didn't want to peer into Emily's room and catch her sitting with Samara. Paige didn't think she would be able to take seeing them together; perhaps their bodies were entwined right now, or perhaps barely touching, but either way they were together. Paige's mind became awash with images of the way the two of them could be looking at each other, whether those looks be flirty or fondly or otherwise.

It made Paige suddenly sick again, the sickness one she was, well, really becoming sick of at that point.

Paige shook her head, cursing her own ridiculousness, willing herself to just walk past the damn door. The hallway was neutral territory. She was more than entitled to walk down it to her own goddamn room. Paige knew she'd probably be obscured from view anyway, given the positioning of Emily's bed.

Would Emily even acknowledge her anyway, given her present company?

Paige steeled herself at that, walking towards her door quickly, never looking back.

"Paige!"

Paige ground to a halt once more, her hand having just caught grip of her door handle when the voice blared at her from behind her, the sound coming from Emily's room.

It wasn't Emily's voice.

It was Sydney's, Paige both confused and then alarmed by that realisation; realising where Sydney currently was and realising what that probably meant.

 _Please no._

"Paige! Get in here."

Paige's hand gripped the door-handle, her knuckles going white with the force of which she held it. She knew she had to turn around, or else Sydney would realise something was indeed wrong and perhaps even realise she'd lied and figure out that something had actually happened. All while Emily was there alongside her, giving away her own tells.

They were both, admittedly, terrible liars.

Still, Paige's grip wouldn't budge. Her skin was beginning to flush, with fear, with blind panic and she knew the longer she didn't either open the door or turn around, the more suspicious Sydney would become.

" _Paige?"_

It was Emily's voice that met her ears this time, the sound of it falling from Emily's lips causing a waft of faintness to course through Paige, her eyes closing instinctively. Paige desperately willed herself to find the courage to turn around to do anything, but stand there.

The sound of her name took her back, firstly, to the day after their first kiss. 15-year-old Emily Fields was in front of her then, begging Paige to just talk to her, to do anything other than walk away from her. Paige had ignored the plea then. She'd walked away and in turn, cost them a year of their friendship.

Secondly, the sound took her back to the night before, with Emily behind her, pleading for Paige to just turn over, to face her.

Paige wondered again for a moment, what would have happened if she had.

"What is _wrong_ with you today?"

Sydney's voice came again, snapping Paige back to herself. She loosened the grip on the handle, releasing a heavy breath before finally turning, the short walk from her doorway to Emily's across the corridor causing Paige to break out into a cold sweat.

Paige willed every part of her then, to just act normal, something that felt seemingly impossible as she skulked across the hallway to face her fears.

Paige kept her eyes on the ground as she came to rest against the doorframe. She was thankful for the support it offered her, along with the feigned air of nonchalance it gave her as she rested heavily against it. She kept her gaze down until she caught sight of Sydney's feet, the sight telling her she was sitting opposite Emily's bed. The only other feet she could see were Emily's, Paige's shoulders relaxing a little when she realised that, thankfully, Samara was no longer there. She let her gaze trail upwards then, fixing her eyes on Sydney, her skin still flushing; she could feel Emily's eyes on her, but couldn't yet bring herself to meet Emily's gaze.

"What's up?"

"Tell Emily she should come with us."

Paige's mouth fell open and her gaze, of it's own accord, flitted to Emily for a split second as she panicked. She quickly remembered herself, instantly returning her gaze to her shoes.

"Syd, I told you, I feel like death…" Emily began to protest, Paige hearing a familiar rasp to her voice, her eyes closing almost in anger at the heat it managed to rouse within her.

"So does Paige," Sydney countered, Paige meeting Sydney's gaze again with a sigh. No, it wasn't a lie, but Paige didn't like where this appeared to be going. "Come on, we can get a shit-ton of junk food and just veg out in the cinema. Please?"

Paige's eyes, flit back to Emily's, Emily's gaze meeting her own. She almost smiled at the look gracing Emily's features; it was a familiar one, the normalcy of it both calming and saddening her in equal measure. It was an almost pleading stare, Emily silently begging Paige for some assistance in turning Sydney down. It was something they'd both discovered was pretty much impossible to do in the relatively short time they'd known Sydney, saying no to her.

Sweet, well-meaning, Sydney.

Sydney, who remained oblivious, somehow, to the fact that Emily's reluctance today had nothing to do with her hangover and everything to do with Paige, loitering in her doorway.

Paige was suddenly aware that she was shaking. Paige could feel it and she knew that upon closer inspection, both Sydney _and_ Emily would be able to see it. She couldn't help it. She was trying so hard not to let anything show, that it seemed to be the only way her body was able to cope with holding herself so stiffly.

God, she hoped neither of them took the time to notice.

Flight suddenly beat out fight, Paige needing to find a way to make it back across the hall without Emily or Sydney following.

"You're right," Paige swallowed hard steading herself, finding her voice and letting her gaze fall back to Sydney's. "I do feel like death still. Sorry Syd, but I don't think the movies is such a good idea. You guys just go."

"Ugh, you guys suck," Sydney pouted, sinking back onto Deb's bed petulantly.

"Sorry."

The words fell from Emily's lips softly, though when Paige lifted her gaze she found Emily's eyes were fixed to her own, the apology seemingly directed at her, not Sydney at all.

Paige looked away, not wanting to know what that meant.

"We could stay in? Watch something on my laptop? Raid the vending machine even?"

It was Emily, again, that had spoken, Emily that had offered up the suggestion, Paige's eyes shooting up, quirking an eyebrow in surprise. She'd just offered Emily an out and Emily hadn't taken it.

What was _that_ all about?

Emily held Paige's stare then as their eyes met, Paige unable to read the look there, but refusing to back down this time. She held Emily's gaze doggedly, trying her damnedest to keep her face void of all emotion, unable to understand what it was Emily was trying to convey to her.

Was she asking Paige to feign normalcy for Sydney's sake, or, in Emily's mind, had last night already been forgotten?

Emily seemed to falter the longer Paige's eyes bore into her, her gaze eventually falling away, the apparent hurt on her face confusing Paige. Or perhaps it was guilt that she could see there. Regret, perhaps.

Paige didn't have a clue.

Part of Paige didn't want to know. Her annoyance was back again, Paige feeling a resurgent flare of anger rising within her, an anger at the sight of Emily sitting there with such ease, as if what happened hadn't happened at all.

It _had_ happened.

"Fine, but you guys are on snack duty," Sydney sat up, waving her hand, the motion snapping Paige back to reality. "And I get to pick the movie."

"But…"

"Your movies suck, Em, I'm sorry, but it's true," Sydney insisted, Emily backing down instantly. Paige rolled her eyes at the victorious smirk that made it way onto Sydney's lips, before her eyes once again fell back to Emily.

Paige watched Emily as she moved, catching sight of the way her hands shook as she began piling book after book up on top of her mattress, wondering if it came from the tiredness of her hangover, or from her own presence, the thought of it being the latter making Paige's heart hurt.

She didn't want to be the reason Emily was uncomfortable.

Suddenly Paige softened, wanting to say anything, _do_ anything she could think of to let Emily know it was okay, that they were okay, that Emily didn't have to worry.

They'd work it out.

Paige could forget it, if that was what Emily wanted.

Paige puffed out another sigh, hating just how easily she was willing to bend over backwards for Emily, hating that she knew, without question, she'd suffer a lifetime of pain and longing if it meant Emily would be happy.

Paige's anger returned once more, though it wasn't directed towards Emily any longer, only to herself.

"Hey," Sydney pulled Paige back to her. "Don't just stand there, the vending machine is calling your name."

"Any preferences?" Paige cleared her throat, looking first to Sydney, who merely shrugged, tossing her purse to Paige in response.

The snacks, apparently, were on her.

Paige's gaze then fell to Emily, any normalcy she'd managed to fleetingly retain faltering the second she took in the sight before her. Emily was bending down, searching for what Paige guessed was her laptop beneath her bed. Emily's top hung low, Paige's eyes catching sight of the marks adorning the swell of her breast.

Marks she'd left.

Suddenly, Paige felt faint again.

Paige turned, making her way down the corridor, knowing for certain then that she couldn't do it.

She couldn't be so close to Emily, not after last night.

Paige was practically hyperventilating as she staggered down the corridor, her fist punching the wall by the vending machine once she reached it, desperately willing herself to just pull it together. She buried her face in her hands, trying to steady her breathing.

What was she going to do?


	6. Chapter 6

_Hello and again, I start with an apology. It's been a while, I know, but time to write and write the way I want to hasn't came freely recently. Thank you, as always for reading and reviewing the last chapter, it means a lot to know people are enjoying this as it trickles along. Until next time, enjoy :)_

* * *

 **Part Six.**

Paige had taken her to prom.

Why _that_ was the most prominent thought in Emily's mind, she didn't know. Where it had suddenly come from was also a fact that completely escaped her. All she was really certain of was that Aria had decided to open her goddamn mouth, meaning that now all Emily could think about was…

"See?"

Emily was pulled from her thoughts, her eyes drawn to Sydney sitting beside her, arm outstretched, thrusting her phone into Emily's face with a gushing smile. Emily couldn't help but return it, her face softening as she took in the picture Sydney so eagerly wanted her to view. It was of Sydney and her boyfriend, his burley arms wrapped around her from behind, both faces beaming. They looked ridiculously happy, as they always did.

It all just served to make Emily feel guilty. She'd spent most of the time waiting for Paige nodding absently, half-heartedly, barely listening to anything Sydney had to say as she talked over her own Friday evening. Emily felt confident that she wasn't really missing a whole lot as she spaced in and out of the conversation; Sydney, as always, had spent the previous evening with her boyfriend, Jacob, an absolute mountain of a man, though intimidating only in stature, his persona on the few occasions Emily had managed to meet him not befitting of his imposing frame. Sydney's stories, whilst always on the very cusp of being sickeningly adorable, were always pretty much a variation of the same theme, allowing Emily to feel a little less guilty about being so distracted.

Emily wasn't exactly confident that Sydney hadn't picked up on it, whatever it was that was making her so non-present. Sydney hadn't _seemed_ to as of yet; she didn't appear to be aware of the distraction plaguing Emily currently, if distracted was in fact the right word. Emily felt wired, both mentally and, for all her body was lagging again thanks to eating nothing but half a bagel all day, physically too.

Paige was taking her time and it was making Emily nervous. Antsy. _Anxious._

It had to show.

Sydney, however, remained oblivious, or at least pretended to be, keeping her focus for the meanwhile on her own story, Emily somewhat thankful for that. Questions were the last thing she needed right now. She had enough of her own, battering her mind relentlessly. Emily felt charged; charged with the anticipation, or the dread, or even a misplaced excitement as they waited not so patiently for Paige to return.

Paige was _really_ taking her time.

There was a vending machine on their floor, just around the corner from their respective rooms and the selection it offered hardly warranted a whole lot of scrutiny. A part of Emily wondered if Paige would even come back. That same part of her didn't really know if she would blame Paige for running a mile. They'd been together for all of five minutes so far and it'd felt nothing short of awkward, perhaps worse. Their balance was off, expectedly given the circumstances, not that the lack of surprise did anything to stop the chest pains Emily felt at the thought of it.

It hurt, to watch Paige avoiding eye contact with her, to suffer through their awkward silences and to watch as Paige shook.

Shook because of her.

Seeing Paige had killed off any meek slither of hope Emily had had about the two of them perhaps being able to merely pretend nothing had happened the night before. Deep down, she knew that was never a viable option anyway.

They'd most certainly surpassed the realm of 'easily forgotten'.

The longer Paige was gone, the more Emily began regretting suggesting they spend the rest of evening together. She wasn't really sure why she'd suggested it in the first place. It had come about somewhat on impulse; an almost fear had gripped her at the thought of Paige walking away from her, at the thought of being left completely alone with her thoughts again.

Then there was Sydney; Emily hadn't wanted Sydney to pick up on their sudden desire to be nowhere near one another, too afraid of what she may deduce from that. Emily was thankful, despite her concern that it was only a matter of time before Sydney sussed them out, that Sydney was there. Sydney, if anything, was the perfect buffer. She also appeared to be in an incredibly talkative mood, meaning that small talk would be something Emily nor Paige would have to suffer through.

On the other hand, Sydney being there meant she probably wouldn't get the chance talk to Paige alone.

Emily wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse.

Emily _wanted_ to talk to Paige, for all the mere thought of such a conversation had her stomach in knots. She hadn't yet figured out the 'what to say' part, but the intention was definitely there, battling with her insecurities, battling the urge to just hide from the whole sorry mess indefinitely.

Everything felt all the more difficult now, especially having seen Paige, especially following on from her conversation with Aria, the opposite of what she'd hoped talking with her friend would do for her. It felt good to have gotten things off her chest, yes, but Aria's 'wisdom', and Emily used the term lightly, had only served to confuse her further.

For some reason, Aria seemed to think that Paige was in…

"Where _is_ Paige?" Sydney stopped mid flow, scrunching her nose up in annoyance as she held Emily's laptop out to her expectantly, Emily rolling her eyes but obliging the silent request, balancing it back on top of the make-shift stand she'd created on her bed, ready to press play once Paige returned.

 _If_ she returned.

Emily stood, looking to Sydney, her stomach flipping a little, in concern and perhaps in something else, something equally as concerning, when she took in just where Sydney had decided to sit for the night.

Sydney was settled into the corner of Deb's bed, against the wall, propped up against the pillows. Emily realised that meant she'd have to either sit in the middle or at the end of the bed and both of those choices meant only one thing.

She would have to sit beside Paige.

Emily's body betrayed her, the sinking feeling she felt at the realisation coupled conflictingly with an almost elation, an elation that only served to confuse her even further.

Emily _wanted_ to be beside Paige.

Even after last night. Even with the awkwardness that had and would surely continue to plague them; Emily wanted to be beside Paige.

The thing was, Emily usually did. She just hadn't really paid much attention to it. Now, it was all she could seem to pay attention to. Now, it felt less like a natural occurrence and more like something that meant something different entirely. What that something was, Emily couldn't really put a finger on.

Or didn't want to.

" _Finally,"_ Sydney sighed, snapping Emily from her thoughts. Her eyes flit to Sydney at the sound of her voice, then instantly to the doorway. just in time to watch Paige entering the room, bags in her hands. "Where have you…wait, are those from Frankie's?"

"I figured we could do with something a little more substantial than Cheetos and skittles," Paige shrugged, smiling a little at the elation in Sydney's voice, for all her eye's remained glued to the floor. "I got those too though, don't worry."

Emily watched Paige closely, unable to really do anything but. Paige moved with purpose; she set the bags down on the bed, keeping one back for herself, her free hand shoved into her pocket the second it was free. Emily could tell from the way Paige held herself that the brief respite food-gathering had offered her had done little to calm her, or make the air between them any less taut. Paige was doing her very best to appear nonchalant, unaffected, but Emily knew her. Emily knew it was fake.

Emily wasn't sure if she'd ever seen Paige so uncomfortable. At least not for a long, _long_ time. The sight made her heart sink.

"Coach is going to kill us," Sydney declared, though through a mouthful of her sub, the implications of her words clearly not something that troubled her all that deeply.

"Coach will understand," Paige shrugged, her voice horse. Emily looked up to find Paige's eyes on her, though the second they met, Paige looked away. Emily frowned.

Was this how they were going to be now?

"Alright, let's get this show on the road!"

Emily watched as Paige's eyes fell to Sydney, her face seeming to pale as she realised, much as Emily had earlier, that they'd have to sit side by side. Again Emily felt a pang deep in her chest, fearing that her own carelessness, her own greed the night before had caused an irreparable rift in their relationship.

The weight of just how much Paige meant to her had never felt so heavy.

Once again, Emily regretted her decision to invite Sydney and Paige to stay, knowing she should have let Paige leave; perhaps space was something they would both benefit from having right now. Or maybe, if only Emily could have only summoned up the courage, she could have pulled Paige to one side and asked her to talk. In hindsight, that felt like the most sensible thing to do, though it felt a little too late to be opting for what was 'sensible'.

Emily decided the best she could do for now was go along with it, this feigned normalcy she'd subjected them to. She made room for herself on the bed, trying to mask the continuous concoction of fear and apprehension that marred her features as she settled down alongside Sydney.

Paige seemed to take forever to sit down, Emily chancing a glace up at her to find that Paige had finally decided to look at her. This time it was Emily who felt the inclination to look away, gut churning at the cowardice of it all.

"Wait."

Sydney stopped Paige in her tracks when she finally made a move, gesturing to the laptop opposite them. Paige rolled her eyes, but obliged the unvoiced request, pressing play before making her way back across the room. Emily once again sensed a hesitancy as Paige settled down beside her, a part of her wanting to write the thought off as irrational; perhaps she was imagining Paige being so closed off, perhaps it was her own discomfort and uncertainly distorting what she was seeing in front of her.

That, however, seemed a little too hopeful to be true.

Paige settled beside her, then shifted consciously, as if making sure there was a considerable distance between them. Again, Emily hoped, prayed that it was just her own paranoia and not a conscious choice Paige was making. The sinking feeling in Emily's stomach knew it was hopeless to hope for such a thing. This was _Paige_ she was talking about. Paige McCullers, who couldn't hide an emotion if she tried.

Paige, who suddenly felt the need to put distance between them.

"The Hungover Games?" Paige remarked as she peeled back the wrapping encasing her sandwich, looking toward Sydney, unimpressed.

"I figured it was appropriate."

"And you say my movies suck," Emily joked, shooting Paige a smirk, the smirk fading instantly as she realised Paige was paying no attention to her whatsoever. Emily let her gaze linger a second longer, before sighing and returning her attention to the laptop screen, a little disappointed that, given its premise, the movie would do little to distract her.

As the movie trickled on, Emily became painfully aware that distractions were something she desperately needed.

Emily felt so aware of Paige beside her. Too aware. She could practically feel the heat emanating from Paige's body, hear the steadiness of her breathing, even over the film and Sydney's intermittent commentary. Emily, unable to really help it, felt her eyes drawn to Paige of their own accord.

Paige's hair was still wet and Emily frowned, knowing she'd obviously walked the short distance off-campus to Frankie's. She hoped it wasn't too cold out. Paige appeared to be entirely engrossed in the movie, something Emily knew had to be an act. She could hardly judge, given how little attention she was actually paying to it, but she was fairly certain it was exactly the type of movie Paige loathed.

Paige swallowed hard and Emily wondered if Paige could feel her eyes on her. Emily tore her eyes away, as if caught, not wanting Paige to actually catch her staring. Surely, that would only serve to make things worse.

Emily could smell Paige's shampoo, the scent familiar, but again, not something Emily felt she'd ever been so aware of before. It stirred up memories within her, nothing specific, nothing tangible in her mind, just fleeting feelings and a sense of calm.

Emily shook her head, deciding it would be best if she actually tried to turn her attention to the movie.

Not that it worked.

Aria's words had prompted Emily to start re-evaluating her entire relationship with Paige and presently, she was trying her best not to resent Aria for that. Her head still thudded, for all the ache was fairly dull now. Her sickness was no longer insistent, just hinted in the background; a befittingly looming unpleasantness tinging her day as it ticked on by. Emily wanted to veg out in front of the TV watching something that required as little brain-power as possible. What Emily didn't want to be doing in her current state was re-evaluating her entire relationship with Paige McCullers.

If Paige was _'in love'_ with her, if that was indeed the truth and not just something Aria had concocted in her oftentimes sparkling imagination, then that meant that, surely, Emily would look back and end up seeing so many things _so_ differently.

Like prom night, for example.

Emily's Mom had nigh-on forced her to buy the dress. Weeks beforehand, Emily had decided she wasn't going to bother going to prom at all. She'd brushed off her Mom's insistence that it was a 'right of passage', brushed off Hanna's insistence that it would be the perfect way to end the year, to have one last big blow out as a group before they all went their separate ways for college. Her Mom had spotted the dress by chance whilst they were shopping and insisted Emily buy it.

 _You never know,_ she'd pushed. _You might change your mind._

Emily hadn't really been able to give anyone a solid reason for not wanting to attend. People had come to their own conclusions of course; Emily having no-one to go with the most popular theory. That wasn't it. She'd been asked on 3 occasions by 3 different people and had declined them all.

Everyone else was good for a date. They'd all had significant others to share the evening with, _real_ significant others, unlike the offers Emily had received. For all Emily had marginally agreed with Hanna about prom being an important experience to have and to share, Emily wasn't so hot on the idea of ending up a third wheel.

Or, more accurately, a seventh.

It was Aria, in the end, that had managed to change Emily's mind.

Aria Montgomery had no intention whatsoever of going to prom.

Aria had been avoiding school for what seemed like months. Somehow, she'd been passing her classes, but her attendance was near enough non-existent. Emily hadn't blamed Aria for staying well away; not after what had happened and not with everything the small minded kids at their school had had to say about Aria and the relationship she'd shared with their by then ex-teacher, a relationship that had blown up in Aria's face spectacularly.

On one of the rare days that Emily managed to actually get through to her, she'd told Aria she wasn't going either. She'd explained that she'd much rather stay home, and that she'd love it if Aria joined her. Maybe, and just maybe, if they felt up to it, they could go to the after-party Spencer had planned in her parent's barn. If Aria didn't feel up to it, they wouldn't bother.

Aria had appreciated the offer and somewhat to Emily's surprise, went along with it. Whilst their friends picked out dresses and looked into cars and planned parties, they had picked out movies and take out. And then one weekend around 2 weeks before the big event, without any preamble, Aria had quietly suggested they go together.

She was tired, Aria had explained. Tired of missing out. Tired of being afraid.

Emily hadn't had the heart to say no to that.

So, Emily bought the tickets and Spencer added them on to the car and it was official, they were going to prom. Surprisingly, Emily wasn't so against the idea anymore.

Then, two nights before the big night itself, Aria caught stomach flu. The virus had ravaged the whole of her music group at Hollis College, effectively quarantining them from the rest of the population for the foreseeable future. Shana, Paige's girlfriend at the time, was also a member and had succumbed to the virus herself. That had lead to Paige refusing to go to the dance either, because _of course_ Paige would rather rather catch a vomiting bug looking after her girlfriend than go to prom without her, meaning their group was cut down to 5 in the space of a few short hours. Emily had been thankful, in a way, for that.

Better to be a fifth wheel than a seventh.

Aria had begged Emily to still go and enjoy herself and again, Emily hadn't really had the heart to say no to her, even if she couldn't really find the heart to get excited about prom anymore. Her Mom was excited enough for her, Emily remembered that clearly. Her friends had arranged for the car to pick them all up from Emily's house, meaning (much to her delight) Pam got pictures of all of them and not just Emily all dressed up on her own. Toby and Caleb had posed with her in cheesy mock-date photographs, as had Hanna, and the more the posed and the more they laughed, the more Emily felt glad she'd made the decision to go after all. By the time the car was due to arrive, she was feeling far more excited than she'd expected to.

Something else she hadn't expected that night, was the sight of Paige McCullers running towards them when they filtered out onto the porch.

 _Sorry I'm late,_ she'd puffed out once she caught up to them, her presence merely perplexing Emily. At the time, she hadn't really bothered to question Paige's sudden arrival. In hindsight, she wasn't really given the chance to. Pam had ushered everyone back inside hastily, insisting they got a few pictures with Paige in them, as Paige, she'd gushed, looked ever so dapper.

Emily hadn't disagreed. Still didn't. Paige had worn a suit, complete with tie and cufflinks, finished off with heels, all things she'd never imagined she'd find Paige McCullers wearing at that point in time. Something, Emily had decided, Paige should consider wearing more often.

So again, they went through the motions, repeating the group shots so Paige could be involved, before Pam had suggested she got one of just the two of them.

After all, she'd mused. Paige was Emily's date.

Emily had scoffed and Paige had laughed, awkwardly, bashfully even. Emily couldn't really remember.

What she could remember, or, at least what it had seemed like at the time, was that it was merely a convenience that Paige had turned up and evened out the numbers. Paige's Mom, allegedly, had talked her into it, had begged her to go to prom so the suit didn't go to waste, even if it was purely so she could get a picture of Paige in it. Shana had insisted she didn't mind Paige going without her and Aria, somehow, had passed on the message that Emily had decided to go stag, too.

Emily wondered for a moment if it was all Aria's doing; maybe she'd guilted Paige into going to ease some of her own misplaced guilt about having to pull out? She was reasonably friendly with Shana; perhaps they'd both played a part in it.

Paige had brought Emily a corsage. That was the part that was troubling her, presently. _Shana's,_ Paige had insisted instantly, before even Emily had the chance question her. _Didn't want it to go to waste,_ Paige had shrugged. Emily frowned, trying to picture it, trying to remember if it had been naturally nonchalant, or…

Emily shook her head. Why would Paige have lied about that?

Paige had wrapped and arm around her waist and pulled her close. Pam had beamed; she'd got her wish, a picture of Emily with a 'date' on prom night. And Pam had always loved Paige. Still did. When she sent Emily a care package, she'd always send Paige one too. Sometimes twice as big, though that was hotly disputed whenever Emily would tease her about it. Emily hadn't given it much thought back then, but in hindsight, it was probably a dream come true for her Mom, to see Paige 'take' her daughter to prom.

Paige's hand had squeezed Emily's waist as she shot her a smirk. Paige _knew_ how happy it had made her Mother and had found the humour in it, too. Paige tugged her closer once the amusement died down, holding Emily flush against her. At the time, Emily had assumed it was the cold that made her shiver.

It wasn't the cold. She knew that now.

The word date was never mentioned by anyone but Pam. Not once.

Because it wasn't a date.

At the time, Emily had fully believed that. The night was merely a group of friends celebrating high school coming to a close. An excuse to dress up and have fun with one another, drink punch, dance. When Paige asked her to slow dance, Emily knew it was merely because they were the two spares, and why wouldn't they be able to spare a dance for one another?

Emily knew she should still believe it. Paige was with Shana at the time and Paige, if anything, was loyal to a fault; she wouldn't have jumped at the chance to take Emily to prom in Shana's absence. Not Paige.

Their dances hadn't been romantic; they'd shared just one, a slow dance. The couples had tapered off as the night drew on and Paige, for whatever reason, had insisted they join in. Paige was a terrible dancer, though, thinking about it now, Emily wondered if it had all been for show. Emily had grown down, watching her friends sway in step with their partners, both happy for them and sad for herself, sad that she hadn't been able to share the night with someone she loved. Paige, as always, picked up on her mood and had dragged her up to dance. Before long Emily had forgotten any reluctance she may have had as they'd laughed and swayed. Paige twirled her around flamboyantly and stepped on her feet. It _had_ made Emily feel better.

In some ways, it was Paige showing up that had made the whole night worthwhile.

Emily hadn't really given the night a second thought since. She had nothing but good memories of it, apart from Hanna barfing on her shoes the next morning as they left Spencer's barn. But now that Aria had planted the seed, all Emily could seem to do was question every part of it.

All of the questions seemed entirely irrational, but frustratingly, a lot of them made sense too.

Such as, if it was _Shana's_ corsage Paige brought along for Emily, then why did it match _her_ dress perfectly? Not just in colour, but in design, too. Shana's dress was meant to be blood red. Emily remembered that clearly, for whatever reason. The corsage Paige had given her wouldn't have matched it, not even for a dot of contrast.

It matched Emily's dress perfectly.

Which had to mean Paige bought it for her.

But then…when would Paige, last-minute, 'why let the suit go to waste' Paige, have found the time to order a corsage to match Emily's dress so perfectly? Why would it even matter if she had?

 _Shut the fuck up,_ Emily pleaded with her brain. She was physically exhausting herself, picking apart every finite detail, digging for some sign that Aria was right, that Paige had always been in…

"We didn't say anything?" Sydney tore Emily from her thoughts, prompting Emily to look to her in confusion.

"What?"

"You just told us to shut the fuck up?" Sydney tried to jog her memory, looking at Emily entirely perplexed.

"Shit. Shit, sorry, I…" Emily closed her eyes, feeling the sudden urge for the ground to swallow her whole. "I wasn't talking to you."

"O- _kay_ …" Sydney's brow furrowed. "Are you okay? No offence, but you've been really weird all night."

"Sorry," Emily shook her head, running a hand across her face before summoning the courage to shoot Sydney an apologetic smile. "It's been a long day."

"No big," Sydney shrugged, turning to face her slightly. "Are you sure you're okay, though?"

"Leave her be, Syd."

Emily's eyes shot to Paige at the sound of her voice, catching a fleeting glimpse of concern in Paige's eyes before once again, they fell away from her.

"You've been on another planet too, come to think of it," Sydney mused and Emily's blood went cold at the inquisitiveness of her tone, watching as Sydney looked between them contemplatively.

"We drank too much," Paige shrugged, but Emily could feel the weight to her words. A pang of hurt shot through her at the regret they were laced with.

"Sure," Sydney let out a laugh, Emily looking to her in confusion. "Look, it _was_ just booze you were dabbling in last night right?"

The blood thudded in Emily's ears at the question and she swallowed hard, tearing her eyes away.

Sydney knew. She'd figured it out.

"Just making sure I haven't missed out on any crazy drug-raves or anything," Sydney held her hands up when no-one answered her, standing.

"Where are you going?"

"To pee?" Sydney answered, now looking at Emily as if she'd grown a second head; understandable, giving how panicked the question had sounded as it fell from her lips.

"Right."

Emily closed her eyes and took a breath, mentally chastising herself.

She needed to chill the fuck out.

"If you want to find a different movie while I'm gone, I wont blame you," Sydney shrugged as she made her way to the door. "This one blows."

"Sure," Emily agreed.

Not that she'd know.

Emily slid from the bed, crouching on the floor in front of her laptop, thankful that searching for another movie gave her something to focus on, scrolling through her Netflix queue, happy to have something to pre-occupy her thoughts.

For a second or two it worked. Then she heard the door click shut and realised what that meant.

Emily tried to not let it show, just how on edge she was now that she and Paige were finally alone.

Emily hoped Paige would speak first. The room fell deafly silent; all she could hear was her own heart pumping and the brief rustle of Paige shifting on the bed. She opened her mouth, trying to be bold, to be the one that made the first move, only to falter.

She'd made the first move the night before, and look where they'd ended up.

Emily flushed, with nerves, with anxiety. This was an opportunity, right? She wanted to talk to Paige, alone, and here she and Paige were, _alone_. But they only had a few minutes, at least, before Sydney returned. It was hardly as if they could have 'the talk' they needed. _But_ perhaps, if she could only muster the courage, Emily could at least ask Paige to consider having it at a later date.

Resolved, if not entirely confident in her decision, Emily nodded to herself, only to worry for a second about how that looked, if Paige was even actually watching her. Emily relaxed a little when she realised it probably just looked like she'd found a decent movie. She scrolled along aimlessly, hastily, settling for the first half-decent horror movie she could find and setting it up, ready for Sydney's imminent return.

Now, came the hard part.

Emily turned, frowning at the sight of Paige entirely engrossed with her phone. Emily pushed forward to stand and take back the seat alongside Paige, before deciding against it. It felt safer to remain on the floor, to keep the distance.

She watched Paige for a moment, the cowardly part of her hoping that Paige would notice her staring so doggedly and take the lead. Paige didn't take the bait; her eyes were glued to her phone as if her life depended on whatever she was looking at. Emily let out a heavy sigh, deciding it was best to just get it over with.

"Paige?"

Paige looked down at the sound of her name. Emily couldn't tell if it was annoyance that Paige seemed to emit, or if Paige merely needed the time to ready herself before looking up at her.

Neither option exactly inspired confidence.

"Paige," Emily cleared her throat, trying to speak with a little more conviction. "I guess we should talk."

Emily watched Paige closely, hopelessly, waiting for her to speak, or nod, to just acknowledge her in any way whatsoever. Instead Paige looked away, her jaw tensing a little. Emily sank back against her bed hopelessly; unable to read her.

"Paige?"

"I heard you," Paige swallowed hard, before finally looking up. Emily faltered a little at the intensity of Paige's sudden stare, brow furrowing. Paige sounded, Paige, she looked…

Angry.

"Okay," Emily nodded, chewing the inside of her lip for a moment.

It wasn't a reaction she'd considered all that much, anger, but one she knew was fairly understandable. It was, after all, her fault they had to talk in the first place.

"Maybe later?" Emily continued, unfettered, feeling a little flustered at just how desperate she sounded. "Or tomorrow? We could get breakfast or something…"

Emily trailed off, sighing. Was this really something they could casually discuss over breakfast?

"You don't have plans with Samara?"

Emily faltered, taken aback by Paige's response. It sounded almost like an accusation, and that perplexed her. Emily shook her head a little in disbelief, both hurt and confused by the edge of spite she caught in Paige's words.

"Obviously not," Emily sighed, brow furrowed, not really managing to keep her own rising annoyance in check.

Paige looked down and Emily watched her, wishing she could figure out what was going on in her mind, wishing she had the courage to ask.

Emily frowned, wondering for a fleeting second what Samara was doing in that moment. They hadn't spoken since that morning, though why they would have, Emily didn't know. She'd asked for space, in a way at least. Or, maybe they'd actually broken up. If breaking up was, in fact, something you actually did when you weren't exclusive with someone.

"Samara and I…"

Paige sighed heavily and Emily began to protest, to insist, needing, for whatever reason, for Paige to hear her out, for Paige to know that Samara wasn't…

"Some utter _asshat_ has blocked half the cubicles again."

Sydney made her presence known, Emily jumping a little at the sound of her voice, her head falling back against the mattress behind her in annoyance once she calmed.

Sydney really had the _worst_ timing.

"I had to go downstairs," Sydney continued to rant, completely oblivious to the palatable tension that had built up in her absence. "So, we've abandoned the Hungover Games I see?"

"I've gone for an entirely different kind of horror story," Emily explained dryly, tipping her head to the screen. She pressed play, before standing up quickly, glancing at Paige, a flare of annoyance rising up within her at the sight of Paige on her phone, again.

Emily made the snap decision to steal Sydney's seat, not confident she could sit beside Paige any longer, not now, not after that bust of a conversation. She placed a pillow between her and the empty space beside her, shrugging indifferently when Sydney meekly protested.

Sydney's protests died off fairly quickly and instead she turned her focus to shutting off the lights, insisting it wouldn't be scary if they didn't watch the movie in darkness.

For all it was a film of her own choosing, again, the plot playing out across the screen offered little distraction to Emily. Admittedly, she felt a little butthurt that Paige hadn't accepted her offer to talk with open arms. For all it was very _Paige_ of Paige to try and brush it off as something of little importance, Emily had hoped she'd understand how much they needed to talk through it. She'd hoped Paige would have shared her desire to make things right between them. She still hoped she did.

As for the Samara comment...it had really sounded an awful lot like Paige was actually…

Emily's phone buzzed in her pocket and she couldn't help but groan.

She knew it was either Samara checking in on her, something that, despite how harsh it felt, Emily didn't want to have to deal with right now, or Aria, eager to know if she'd managed to speak to Paige yet. Emily ignored it, deciding her main focus for the rest of the evening should be on a whole lot of nothing, given the battering she'd been giving her brain all day.

Her phone buzzed again moments later, urging Emily to pull it from her pocket with a sigh, though her stomach flipped when she saw who had texted her.

 _Paige._

Emily opened the message with haste, for all she also felt a sickly sort of anticipation.

 ** _I didn't mean to be a brat._**

Emily swallowed, her fingers hovering nervously over her keypad as she tried to figure out what to write, whilst simultaneously trying not to give anything away, to Sydney, or to Paige.

 ** _That's okay._**

Emily stared at her phone, cursing herself internally as she hit send. _That's okay?_ That's the best she could come up with? Emily puffed out a breath, turning her phone in her hands impatiently. She chanced a glance to Paige, frowning at the sight that greeted her. Paige was 'watching' the movie, again, so obviously falsely engrossed in it, her phone nowhere to be seen.

Emily felt herself beginning to leer then, her eyes imploring Paige to at least read her poor excuse of a response, but Paige didn't seem to notice, nor did she seem inclined to actually give Emily a response of her own.

Emily huffed out a breath once again, unsure if she was now mad at Paige, or mad at herself, or both. She hugged Deb's pillow close to her chest, turning her attention back to the movie, the gore and hopelessness playing out across the screen feeling oddly fitting all of a sudden.

Emily jumped a second later as her phone buzzed once again, her reaction causing her to roll her eyes at herself in annoyance.

She _really_ wished she wasn't being so obvious.

It was Paige, again, that had texted her and Emily felt herself relax, albeit fleetingly.

Her heart skipped, as she read the message.

 ** _I can do breakfast. After my run, usual spot._**

Emily sighed in relief, though the feeling was coupled with a surging anxiety. Emily didn't have time to think on it, her phone buzzing in her hands again before she had the chance to reply.

Paige, again.

 ** _We'll talk._**


	7. Chapter 7

_Hello again! And thank you, again, for all of the wonderful reviews on the last chapter and for just taking the time to read. It really means a lot, especially with the more this story develops and the more I'm enjoying writing it. Side note(s) for this chapter: I know nothing about field hockey or American high school, so apologies for any errors there. The next update might take a little longer, because I haven't updated my other story in about a million years and want to focus on getting that out finally. Until next time, I hope you enjoy this chapter._

* * *

 **Part Seven.**

Paige's lungs burned, her feet pounding heavily along the pavement as she pushed forward. It wasn't often that she ran with such exertion. In high school, she'd been able to get away with it, running until her lungs burned, but swim practice had proved to be an entirely different ball game now she was competing at college level, meaning it was all too easy to overdo it. Paige had been called out for it a few times at the beginning of the season and had eventually heeded the warnings, albeit only after having strained her ankle during a particularly vigorous pre-practice workout.

Today, Paige felt she could be forgiven for overdoing it a little.

Anxiety burned within her. She'd spent half the night thinking up ways to cancel her morning meeting with Emily; fake illnesses, sudden family emergencies, earthquakes that only effected her side of the dorm…anything, really, that might get her out of it. Agreeing to it, suggesting it had come from a moment of weakness, a weakness that had kicked in as she'd watched how Emily's face fell as she'd petulantly spat out Samara's name.

If Emily hadn't figured her out by now, Paige didn't know if she ever would.

She'd spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what on earth she wanted to say to Emily, once they were face to face.

Paige hadn't gotten very far with that.

Whilst her mind had managed to cook up some of the most elaborate, imaginative excuses known to mankind, it had positively failed to come up with a single sentence that she could say to Emily when they eventually sat down to talk.

Somehow, Paige's body seemed to ache more than it had done the day before. Her back protested with every pound of her feet against the pavement and the back of her head throbbed painfully with every jolt. She'd ran her hand across the tender spot that morning, discovering a reasonable sized egg was the cause of her discomfort. It was merely another memento from the night she didn't want to remember but didn't have the heart forget.

On the face of it, Paige was merely making up for missing out the previous day; her hangover had put an end to any hope of a work out. Given that she now had both a night of heavy drinking _and_ a night of junk food to work off, Paige was thankful for the chance to exercise. Most importantly, running had always been the most sure-fire way to clear her head. At least, that was usually the case.

Today, that theory was being well and truly put to the test.

The night before had been near-sleepless, much like the night before that. Paige and Sydney had left Emily's room quickly and with little protest once Deb, Emily's near-mythical roommate, returned from wherever it was that she always disappeared to. Sydney had been out like a light the second her head hit the pillow, having tired herself out with her own near-endless chit chat and enough sugar to put an elephant into a diabetic coma.

Paige, much to her displeasure, hadn't managed the same fortune. She'd tossed and turned, and tossed, and turned, and tossed and turned a little more. Sleep had alluded her completely, her mind battering her far more than it had done the previous night. It even got to the point that Paige _missed_ the heavy pull of alcohol that had gotten her into this mess, because it had subsequently helped her drift off the night before.

It was around 4am when she managed to finally fall asleep, which just so happened to be around the same time she'd decided that perhaps she may have benefitted from having never known Emily Fields at all. Thankfully she'd fallen asleep after that, but not before concluding at least that everything would have been very different if Emily hadn't tumbled into her life all those years ago.

Different for the better? Paige didn't really know.

Deep down, she didn't really think so.

They'd first met, officially at least, the summer following the end of Paige's sophomore year of high school. Paige recognised Emily from church, they'd attended together as children and since then, she'd noticed her around town. Emily was a relatively new face to Rosewood High. She hadn't attended school the entire year previous; Paige, at the time, only knew it had something to do with Emily's Dad being in the military, Emily's home schooling a product of an unfortunate accident he'd become involved in whilst stationed overseas.

It was the first fortnight of summer when they met and Paige, having despised 9th grade with a passion, had set about ensuring 10th grade was different. Phase one of her plan began with swimming. It was something she'd always enjoyed and always felt she'd excelled at. Her Dad had agreed to let her sign up for the school's summer swim camp, his only condition being that she took it seriously; seriously enough to make the team.

It was there, that Paige met Emily.

All Paige could really remember, other than how much Emily's body seemed to have developed since the last time she'd saw her at church, was the instant dislike she'd felt towards her. Emily was as she'd remembered; unassuming, sweet, shy. She'd also grown taller, filled out, curves had begun to form in all the right places, though Paige had elected not to dwell so much on what exactly the 'right places' meant to her. Something else Paige came to discover that day, was that Emily was remarkable in the water.

Whenever Paige had shone over the duration of camp, Emily had shone brighter. Whilst Paige fought and pushed and strained to be the very best, Emily seemed to achieve it with relative ease. Paige resented her instantly, for that. What Paige now realised was jealousy had, at the time, felt like nothing short of a burning fire of entirely justified hatred. Justified how, she'd never known.

Emily, however, was different. Emily hadn't seemed to hate Paige at all.

Paige remembered clearly that Emily had known who she was instantly, on their very first day. Paige's Mom had been a great help to her parents whilst her Dad got back on his feet, Emily had explained, even though they no longer really had time for church. _I bet you don't remember me,_ she'd said, shyly. Of course Paige remembered her. There was something about Emily, even then, that Paige found impossible to forget.

Paige hadn't told her that.

Instead she'd shrugged. Or maybe she hadn't answered Emily at all. Paige couldn't really remember. She didn't really want to remember how she'd treated Emily back then.

Paige, regrettably, had treated Emily with little more than indifference during their time at camp. But Emily, Emily hadn't been deterred by that. Emily was different. Where the other girls that tried to get close to her would merely give up as soon as Paige gave them the cold shoulder, Emily just kept coming back.

Emily complimented Paige's swimming, and her hair. She'd liked the red. She complimented her stroke rate and her turns, and then her sneakers and her bike and the fact that she'd had the balls to cut down Tammy Winters when she'd called Anna Dixon a fat dyke, whilst everyone else stood there and laughed.

 _Brave,_ Emily had called her.

Emily complimented Paige a lot. At the time, Paige had hated it, at least, she'd pretended to. It wasn't until after, when Emily was gone, that Paige realised she missed it.

Emily tried her very best to talk to Paige at any given opportunity and Paige, at the time, just figured she was just trying to be thankful by proxy, for what her parents had done for Emily's. Paige couldn't remember Emily making the same effort with the other girls throughout the duration of camp and that was about the only reason Paige could really think of that would have set her apart from the crowd.

Paige _liked_ Emily's attention. Paige lived for it, in truth. The weird part was, she'd done everything in her power to make it stop. She'd done everything to keep Emily at arms length, to ward off all of Emily's advances of friendship. Like anything, eventually Paige pushed hard enough and Emily backed off.

Come the start of the school year, Paige regretted that.

Paige made the swim team easily, partly in thanks to impressing during camp that summer, and in turn, she'd made friends. More importantly, she'd made friends in the right circles, meaning that the bullying that had plagued her the year before became something of a distant memory. Her friends were good friends, but none of them made her feel like Emily had that summer.

Paige's friends were mostly comprised of other swimmers, along with a few girls from the field hockey team, which she'd been given her parents blessing to join also, on the condition that taking on two sports didn't effect her schoolwork. It hadn't, thanks in part to her teammate, Spencer Hastings.

Looking back now, it was obvious to Paige that trying so hard to be friends with Spencer had very little to do with the need for a solid tutor and _everything_ to do with wanting to be closer to a particular member of Spencer's friend-group.

Emily Fields.

If Paige thought Emily had changed at the start of the summer, it was nothing compared to how different she'd looked at the start of 10th grade. Emily dressed differently, held herself differently; she was still shy, but now that shyness gave off less of a vibe of uncertainty and more a vibe of…mystery. A mystery Paige desperately wanted to solve. Something had definitely changed over the remainder of that summer. Most noticeably, Emily's friends had changed.

Specifically, one friend, in particular.

Alison, much to Paige's chagrin, was unavoidable. And oh, did Paige try to avoid her. Paige, prior to that year, had thought Alison was a distant memory. They'd gone to the same middle school and Alison had teased her relentlessly during that time, but, before high school started, Alison had all but disappeared. Not literally; her family had simply moved. To France, some rumours stated. Georgia, said the others. Paige hadn't cared if Alison had moved to the moon, she was just happy to see the back of her.

For whatever reason, Alison Dilaurentis had made her grand return that year.

Alison walked into a room and commanded its attention. More importantly, that was her intention. Paige had a feeling she was the only person in the whole of Rosewood High whose eyes didn't divert directly to Alison whenever she sauntered into a room.

Paige's attention was always a little more to the left.

Throughout the year, Paige fell into a sickly habit of watching Emily walking in-step with Alison and their group throughout the halls. The desire to keep Emily as far away from her as possible was one she'd quickly started to regret, the more she watched her.

The full extent of her regret hadn't hit her until one afternoon, at Spencer's house.

At that point, somehow, Paige had managed to bargain with Spencer long enough to cajole her into tutoring her after school. It'd taken some time, but, eventually, Spencer had agreed to make sure Paige didn't flunk math, as long as, in turn, Paige helped her tighten up her 16-yard hit.

Most Thursday's, Paige wound up going to Spencer's house after school. They'd study, then they'd train. Paige never really got the impression Spencer liked her all that much and in truth, she'd never really been sure if she'd liked Spencer, but, for whatever reason, they'd made a decent duo.

More importantly, there were the occasions when Emily would just so happen to be at Spencer's house, too. That's what Paige had wanted, deep down, she knew that now. By then she'd resolved to be softer around Emily, more open to her, should Emily be kind enough to give her a second chance. It worked, to a point. Being at Spencer's gave them time together, for all they didn't really talk. Emily still seemed to enjoy being around her, which was great. Great, except for the catch.

The catch being that the only reason Emily was there, was because Alison was there, too.

Alison lived next-door to Spencer and Emily lived next-door to Alison. Wherever Alison went, Emily followed.

One particular afternoon, Paige and Spencer were managing to actually practice civilly for a change. Alison sat alongside Emily, under the guise of helping her with her homework. Whilst Paige had bristled at their proximity, it was Spencer, that had bristled at that; the only reason Alison was able to help Emily, Spencer had whined, was because she'd copied Spencer's homework the night before.

Paige could still recall how she'd felt that afternoon, as she'd overheard, between every swing of her stick, the things Emily was saying to Alison.

Emily complimented Alison's note-taking technique, and her handwriting. She liked the curve. She complimented Alison's dress and then her shoes, how her lip gloss complimented her outfit and how she had the balls to say exactly what she was thinking in any given moment, no matter who was listening.

 _Brave,_ she'd called her.

Emily complimented Alison in exactly the same way she'd complimented Paige that summer and for the life of her, Paige could not comprehend why it killed her so much to hear.

Paige stopped going to Spencer's whenever Emily was there, after that, her desire to avoid Emily like the plague returning with a vengeance.

The universe, as they say, works in mysterious ways however, and somehow, Paige still wound up spending time with Emily in the end. Pam Fields had started taking Paige home from swim practice as a favour to her Mom, which in turn, led to her Dad dropping them off in the mornings as a thank you to Pam, meaning they had little choice but to spend time together, however brief, pretty much every day.

And without Alison around, Emily was different. She reverted back to the girl she'd been at swim camp; sweet and unassuming, but by no means meek, once you got to know her. She complimented Paige, but not like she used to. Her words were always measured then and always seemed to come when Paige needed building up. They didn't get a lot of time to talk, not really, but Paige, looking back, realised that they hadn't needed a lot of time. Despite how little they said to one another, something was there, between them. Paige had felt a connection; a connection she'd hoped Emily felt, too.

When Alison was around, Paige's feelings for Emily often reverted back to unjustified hatred. For all Emily appeared to have forgiven Paige for being such an ass at swim camp, she'd stopped vying so hard for Paige's attention. Instead, she vied for Alison's and that drove Paige insane.

Alison always got whatever she wanted and Paige had hated her for it.

Paige knew now, it was because Alison had Emily's undivided attention, that she'd hated her. Attention she'd let slip away.

Near the end of the year, Paige discovered the one thing Alison wanted, but had as of yet been unable to acquire.

At some point around the end of the year, for reasons that still escaped Paige to this very day, the girls in her year had started to go wild for Ben Coogan. A swimmer in the year above, Paige had always felt nothing but indifference towards him, even mild dislike. They'd gone to church together since they were children and their parents were reasonably close, but he'd never really paid Paige much attention and that had suited Paige just fine.

Paige hadn't and still didn't understand the sudden mania surrounding him come the end of that year. He'd bulked up over spring break, cut his hair, grown a paltry tuft of hair beneath his lower lip. Even with all that, Paige still didn't get what all the fuss was about. All Ben had to do was open his mouth for any and all illusion of attraction to be shattered.

Alison seemed to understand the mania. Alison, if Paige remembered correctly, had _started_ the mania. She talked him up. She'd flirted and flirted and flirted some more, to no avail. She'd tried to play hard to get, again to no avail. He just didn't seem interested and Paige had taken the pettiest pleasure in watching just how riled up that made Alison.

One night, as they waited for Pam after practice, Emily had let slip that Alison was hoping Ben would ask her to the end of season pep rally. Emily seemed disappointed by it and Paige, unable to help herself had pressed her into explaining why. Usually, she steered them off the topic of Alison quickly. Not that night. Emily admitted the reason Ben hadn't asked Alison to go with him yet was because he'd actually asked Emily. Paige wanted to know if Emily had said yes.

She hadn't.

Emily _couldn't_ say yes, Paige remembered clearly, how much she'd stressed that part. _Alison would hate me,_ she'd sighed sullenly.

Paige, in what she'd considered at the time an act of kindness to Emily, but what she knew now was nothing more than an act of spite towards Alison, had urged Emily to say yes.

Emily's Mom agreed to pick them up; Paige's parents cited this as the one and only reason they were letting her attend the pep rally at all. Paige and Emily weren't going together, but the whole swim team was going, meaning it would be relatively easy for the two of them to find one another when everything came to a close.

Emily did end up going with Ben. That just so happened to be the night Paige decided she hated Ben Coogan more than she could ever hate Alison Dilaurentis.

Emily wasn't comfortable. It was obvious, all through the evening, how uncomfortable being with him made her. Paige could tell. Paige could tell because she'd been watching her, as she always seemed to, from afar. Emily squirmed every time Ben tried to put an arm around her, ducked away every time Ben tried to kiss her cheek. It perplexed Paige completely.

Emily, well, she'd wanted to go with Ben, hadn't she?

It was around that point that Paige noticed Alison. Alison, sitting on the periphery alongside Aria and Spencer, face like thunder, though she masked it well. There was only one person Alison wanted to be aware of her anger and that person was Emily. And, boy, had Emily been aware.

Alison hadn't banked on Paige noticing, but Paige _had_ and for whatever reason, seeing Alison glare at Emily lit a fire within her, a fire that sent her marching right over to her. Paige planted herself right in front of Alison with the sole intention of blocking her view of Emily entirely.

Alison had always treated Paige with indifference and that night had been no exception. Paige suffered through the sly digs that evening, content that her being there meant Alison's attention would be on her and not on Emily. She'd hoped it would give Emily a chance to relax and enjoy her date. In some ways, she'd wanted to turn around and see if it was working. In other ways, Paige was thankful she couldn't; the idea of watching Emily kissing Ben was just a whole world of no.

The intervention appeared to have worked, to a point.

Paige had fallen deep into conversation with Spencer, bantering back and forth as they often did, when suddenly she'd noticed Spencer's demeanour shift, her body suddenly alert. Spencer's attention had been captured by something behind them and whatever she'd caught sight of had alarmed her. That same something had caught Alison's eye, but she hadn't shared Spencer's concern. Paige had recognised the look Alison wore instantly.

It was the look she gave somebody when she was about to tear them down.

What Paige hadn't expected, was for that somebody to be Emily.

The only thing Paige could clearly remember about what happened next, was the look on Emily's face. Alison had sauntered over to her in a way that had sent Paige rocking forward, fists balled. Aria's arm on her shoulder held her back. Alison called out to Emily, made some snide remark about her being a prude and that had only riled Paige up further, though it was Spencer, then, that Aria had had to restrain. Spencer explained that Ben had tried a little too forcefully to kiss Emily and that she'd had shoved him off. Paige rocked forward and again, Aria held her back.

Paige couldn't hear whatever Alison said once she'd reached them. All she remembered was the blind fury she'd felt when she caught sight of the humiliation gracing Emily's face, at the grunt of laughter from Ben and his friends and the way that Alison, with Emily standing right there beside her, had stepped forward and kissed Ben as if Emily wasn't even there.

Emily made for the exits at that point, apparently eager to get away from the wolf-whistles and the cheers and the remnants of laughter that still lingered. Paige followed, despite how much Aria tried to stop her. Emily hadn't wanted to talk. Paige wanted to, but respected Emily's unspoken request. Paige sat no more than 10 yards behind her as they both silently waited for Pam to show up and take them home.

Much to Emily's annoyance, Pam wasn't in her car when they finally spotted her. She was at the school's entrance, deep in conversation with Aria's Mom, their teacher at the time. Mrs Montgomery had been eager to air her grievances, having had to chaperone a bunch of rowdy teenagers for the night and Pam was happy to oblige her. She'd tossed Emily her keys after some uncharacteristic huffing and puffing on Emily's part, and Emily hadn't waited for Paige to follow as she stomped off towards the car.

Paige followed her anyway. When she got there, Emily sobbed. That, Paige remembered, had terrified her. Paige was only just getting used to the ins and outs of casual friendship, comforting someone, well that was something she'd yet to master. She did her best though, for Emily's sake. For some reason she'd reached out and placed her hand on Emily's thigh, just below the hem of her skirt. Emily's skin was cold to the touch.

Paige still couldn't really be certain, not even now, but looking back, she figured that perhaps Emily had felt whatever she'd felt when she'd reached out and touched her. The sensation had sent a jolt through Paige, a confusing jolt, one that made everything pause suddenly. The touch apparently did something for Emily too, because when Paige squeezed gently, the sobbing stopped.

Paige muttered something to the effect of _'he's an idiot',_ but Emily didn't seem to believe her. It didn't deter Paige though and on she went, rolling off anything and everything she could think of that could possibly make Emily feel better.

 _He's an idiot,_ Paige had swallowed hard, _if he can't see that he's just passed up on the most beautiful girl in school._

Emily had laughed at that and Paige had squirmed at the cheesiness of it, but also, she'd realised that she'd meant it. Paige was deadly serious and seconds later she told Emily as much. Paige's voice had quivered as she spoke. It had felt like she was admitting something dangerous.

It was only later, that Paige realised she was.

Something seemed to change then. Emily's tears had stopped completely. She wasn't laughing anymore, just looking at Paige curiously, almost hopefully. And that was odd, to Paige, because what did it matter to Emily if Paige thought she was beautiful? _You really think so?_ she'd asked and Paige had simply nodded her head, heart hammering uncomfortably in her chest as Emily shuffled closer to her. She placed her hand on top of Paige's and thanked her.

 _I didn't think you liked Ben that much,_ Paige had managed to stammer out. She had little interest in hearing about how Emily felt about Ben, but she wanted to fill the silence. Emily explained then that she didn't like Ben much at all.

 _It's just nice being wanted,_ Emily explained. _It's nice not being alone._

Paige's pace faltered as she relived that particular memory. Her foot caught awkwardly on the asphalt, sending her staggering forward as she realised that Emily had said exactly the same thing to her two nights ago as they'd lay together on her bed, not that long before everything that had and hadn't happened between them, happened. Not long before they'd landed themselves into the mess they were currently trying to work their way out of.

Paige's response five years ago, was exactly as it had been the other night.

 _You're not alone._

That had been the moment everything clicked into place for her. It was then, sitting in the back of Pam Fields car, inches away from Emily, who was looking at her so softly, so sweetly, that Paige realised she didn't want Emily to be alone. She didn't want Emily to be alone, because she wanted Emily to be hers. Paige realised that all of the hatred and the jealousy she'd felt throughout the year hadn't been hatred or jealousy at all.

It had been longing.

For all it was Paige who'd made the next move, Emily had pre-empted it. She'd shifted again, closer, again, her head resting inches away from Paige's face as she squeezed the hand that remained against her thigh.

 _You really think I'm beautiful?_ Emily had asked her. Paige hadn't answered.

Instead, Paige had kissed her.

Paige lurched to a dead stop, her calf twanging painfully as she did so. She heaved forward, hands planted on her thighs, trying to catch her breath. Her eyes screwed shut, trying to focus on the way her lungs burned and her legs ached and not on the fear, the fear that whatever they'd done two nights ago would end up doing to their friendship what that kiss had done, all those years before.

Paige caught sight of her watch as she tried to steady her breathing, realising that it was almost time for her to meet Emily, her chest tightening again with what she wished was simply her recent over-exertion, but what she knew was wholly her anxiety.

Paige had never been good at this.

After their first kiss, she'd ran, metaphorically at least, from all of Emily's attempts to talk about it. But Emily, she wouldn't drop it. Emily, she hadn't wanted to drop it. Paige wanted so badly to give in to her, to be as brave as Emily always seemed to believe she was, but she hadn't managed it. They didn't speak for roughly a year after that. It had felt unbearable then and that was before they were even really that good friends. Paige wasn't running from Emily now, but god, did part of her want to.

Paige pushed on, ignoring the pull in her calf, slowing when she felt her skin flush, considering the flaw in having asked Emily to meet her after her run. Especially given how hard she'd gone at it. Paige realised then that she probably looked like shit. Her skin was likely tinged red, no doubt blotchy, certainly sweaty. Her hair had been raked back with little thought that morning and running, along with sweating in such heat, had surely done little to improve that.

Paige glanced at her watch again, considering that if she doubled back, she could probably shower without being all that late to meet Emily. Her steps faltered only briefly, before she once again picked up her pace.

What did it matter how she looked for Emily?

Emily was used to seeing her in running gear, after a workout, whether that be by meeting on the practice fields behind the aquatic centre as they would be imminently, or back at the dorms if it was a non-practice day and Emily hadn't yet got out of bed.

By the time Paige reached the back of the aquatics centre, her run was more of a jog. Then her jog was less of a jog, more of a walk, then eventually, a hobble as she made her way across the practice field.

It didn't take long to pick Emily out from the fairly non-existent crowd. There were few people around, understandable, given it was early Sunday. Emily was sitting in the centre of the field, away from the only other people there; a few guys, tossing a football around on the far side. Emily's legs were tight against her chest. She hugged them close, as if she was cold, for all Paige knew it couldn't be possible, given the heat.

By the time Paige reached her, her hobble had descended into more of a limp. Paige forgot to mask it, given how hard she was concentrating on keeping her breathing even and her face straight.

The first greeting Emily offered her, was one of concern.

"What happened to your ankle?"

"What?" Paige asked as she crossed the short distance between them, wincing instinctively as she moved to sit down, the motion of resting momentarily on her foot as she positioned herself sending a shooting pain up her calf.

"You promised coach you'd ease up," Emily sighed, brows knit together tightly in a mixture of concern and disappointment. She grabbed for Paige's foot instinctively, tugging at the laces of her sneakers, her fingers beginning to knead the bare skin of Paige's calf.

"What are you doing?" Paige jerked her leg back forcefully. She softened instantly, watching Emily's face fall.

Emily, if she managed to get out of bed and meet her, usually helped Paige stretch out after a run. Occasionally, she'd offer to massage out any knots or kinks Paige had picked up along the way. Paige's reaction had come instinctively and it was one that felt like a stab in the gut; it was merely another remind of the distance between them.

Distance Paige feared they wouldn't be able to fix.

"I was just…" Emily trailed off, reverting back to sitting with her legs hugged to her chest.

"It's nothing," Paige cleared her throat, shaking her head as she flexed her foot, trying not to wince at the pain that lingered. "I tripped and tweaked my calf. It'll be fine come tomorrow."

Emily nodded, clearly unconvinced, though she didn't protest like she usually would. Her eyes flit to Paige's leg momentarily, before trailing upwards, across her torso, lingering here and there, Paige shifting self consciously at the sudden appraisal. Again, she regretted her decision to go for a run before meeting up with Emily. Emily eventually seemed to notice her discomfort, turning her attention to her bag.

"I got you a water," Emily tossed the bottle to her, Paige taking it gratefully. "And a power bar. I figured you wouldn't want anything too stodgy."

"Thanks," Paige smiled, taking a big gulp of the water, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand before taking the food Emily held out to her.

Chewing was difficult. Paige's throat was dry from all the running, or all the nerves coursing through her, she couldn't be certain. Paige was painfully aware of Emily beside her and even more so, painfully aware of the silence that had engulfed them the second she'd started eating. Emily, apparently, had already eaten and was presently picking at the side of her coffee cup, eyes glued to it, her face showing every ounce of the discomfort Paige herself felt as the silence drew on between them.

Paige wanted to say something, anything to start them off, but the words escaped her.

What did she want to say?

Paige didn't know. She knew that she wanted to tell Emily that it would be okay. She wanted to tell Emily that things didn't have to change between them, that they could go back to how they used to be and forget the whole thing.

Paige knew she wanted that to be true.

But, no matter how much Paige wanted to, even if Emily complied, Paige knew they couldn't just forget it. Not when every waking moment consisted of Paige trying not to picture Emily beneath her, skin bruised, lips swollen, chest heaving.

"I guess we should talk."

Emily broke the silence and Paige nodded her agreement.

Still, neither of them began.

Paige chewed on, for all her stomach was cold, for all she couldn't muster up an ounce of hunger. Emily was watching her now, Paige could feel it. She felt her cheeks colour, but didn't move to acknowledge the stare. Occasionally Paige felt Emily shift a little, heard her clear her throat, but at no point did she manage to speak.

Paige's heart broke then.

It broke because they were broken.

At the time, Paige had thought to herself that, regardless of the ramifications to follow, at least she'd always have that moment between them. That moment of Emily beneath her, baring all to her, chest heaving, eyes glistening with want, want for her, skin bruised from Paige's lips, hands urging Paige back down against her.

Now, suffering through said ramifications, Paige knew she'd do anything to take it back.

Anything, to have what they had before back.

"Paige, I…" Emily trailed off, shaking her head.

Again, the silence returned.

 _What are you trying to say to me?_ Paige wanted to ask. Was Emily about to ask her to forget it? Was Emily about to apologise for starting what she'd started? Was Emily about to tell her that she regretted it? Was Emily about to tell Paige that what had happened, happened, but she was with Samara so it had to stop before it started?

Out of all the possibilities that Paige went over in her mind, not one of them appealed to her. All of them ended with her swallowing down what she felt, for the sake of herself, for the sake of Emily.

Paige didn't know if she wanted that.

What Paige did know, was that little had changed since their first kiss all those years ago.

Maybe she'd mustered up the courage to come out some time later. And maybe she'd mustered up the courage to finally apologise and open up to Emily, to eventually become her friend, her _real_ friend.

The one thing Paige hadn't found the courage to do, _still_ hadn't found the courage to do, was admit to Emily why it took her so long to let her guard down in the first place. To admit why she'd held Emily at arms length for so long, to admit why she'd abandoned her after they'd first kissed and to admit why she'd caved in the other night, the second Emily had told her she wanted her.

Paige did all those things because she loved her. She did all of those things, because that scared her.

She'd loved Emily since she was 14. She'd loved Emily before she'd even known she'd _liked_ Emily.

Paige had managed to find the courage to do a great many things since then, but, and her heart sank as she realised it, she still hadn't found the courage to say it out loud.

 _I love you._

"It never happened," Paige cleared her throat, swallowing down the lump that formed there. "We were drunk. We made a mistake. Let's just pretend it never happened."

Emily swallowed hard, Paige unable to read the expression on Emily's face. It looked almost like disappointment, but Paige knew that was just hope clouding her vision.

"Is that…" Emily looked away. Paige's brow furrowed. "Is that really how you feel?"

"What's the alternative?" Paige asked, hopelessly. Bitterly.

"Paige…"

Emily trailed off.

Emily, apparently, didn't have an alternative.

"Paige, I…" Emily shook her head, shoulders slumping hopelessly. "I…"

"You don't know what to say," Paige pointed out, solemnly.

"No." Emily sighed heavily, kicking out at the ground almost petulantly. "I don't."

Paige watched as Emily buried her face in her hands, rubbing her eyes tiredly. She realised then just how exhausted Emily looked, a realisation she found oddly comforting. Emily hadn't been able to sleep either, it seemed. Emily's eyes were dark, tired, tinged red. Emily looked at her, the look filled with all of the hopelessness that Paige herself felt. Again, she found that oddly comforting.

Paige wasn't alone.

Paige settled for the silence. It was doing them no favours, but her lungs no longer burned with anxiety. Emily was just as clueless as she was, Paige realised that now. Emily hadn't come here to break her heart, at least, not yet anyway. Emily had come prepared with about as much to say as Paige herself had.

Which was very little at all.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you, as always, for reading and/or taking the time to review the last chapter and for forgiving me for forgoing most of the talk for backstory. It's really great to hear what people have to say on how the story is developing as it continues on._ _I managed to finish this chapter way sooner than expected, so here you go :)_

* * *

 **Part Eight.**

Emily wasn't really sure why sitting there, out on the practice fields, had ended up becoming such a habit for them.

Out of all of the spots they could have opted for, given how much the campus and its surrounding area had to offer, they continually settled for a busy field, that offered nothing but a view of the of the less than captivating dry wall that was the back of the aquatics centre.

It was all down to convenience, Emily supposed. She generally caught up with Paige before or after practice, given that they didn't actually share any classes together. The field was close enough to the pools to get there on time, but far out enough for them to be able to gather themselves before practice began.

Convening there was a routine they'd fallen into fairly quickly; they'd usually sit in near enough the same spot, share breakfast, chat over everything or nothing. Sometimes they'd sit in silence, much like they were now.

Emily's eyes fell to Paige, a silent sigh falling from her lips.

Paige's eyes had been fixed on the bare walls of the aquatics centre, doggedly, for what felt like hours, for all Emily knew they hadn't been there all that long. It just felt long, laboriously so.

They'd agreed that neither of them knew what to say and hadn't gotten any further since. Paige didn't appear to have any intention of breaking the silence that currently engulfed them, too focused on the view ahead, as if she was studying the most perplexing, captivating piece of brickwork ever to have existed. Part of Emily wanted to be angered by it, Paige's continued stoicism, though she knew that would hardly be fair.

It wasn't as if she was exactly talking Paige's ear off, herself.

Whilst part of Emily felt like screaming at Paige, or shaking Paige into just spitting out whatever it was that she was presently rolling around in that damned head of hers, the other part of her felt oddly, jarringly zen. Even at a moment like this, with their relationship so disjointed, uncertain and raw, Emily felt comfortable, to a point, enduring the silence alongside Paige.

Better sitting in silence beside Paige, she figured, than sitting in silence without her.

That had its flaws, of course.

Emily knew deep down that if she was still at home in bed, as a great deal of her wanted to be that early on a Sunday morning, every passing thought would have been centred around Paige. And the thought of feeling as she had the morning before, albeit sans hangover, but mind still racing, aching at the thought of everything they'd done and hadn't done, was something Emily was glad she'd missed, by deciding to meet Paige that morning. Only, being with Paige didn't get rid of those thoughts. It only appeared to have compounded them, making them feel more urgent somehow, more consequential.

It was a relatively cold morning, a brisk breeze occasionally fanning over them. Emily was thankful she'd decided to grab a jacket on her way out, tugging the lapels closed instinctively as yet another waft of cold air rolled across them.

Emily watched as Paige's skin prickled, a shiver of her own coursing through her at the sight. Her brow furrowed as she realised that on the whole, Paige wasn't wearing much. Her skin was still flush from her run, though quickly fading. Paige's tank was loose and cut deep at the sides, Paige's own doing Emily supposed, given the roughness of the edges. Her handiwork left behind hardly enough material to keep the chill at bay for much longer. Emily followed the opening down, catching a glimpse of Paige's sports bra, her ribs, the way Paige's shallow breathing dictated the subtle rise and fall of her body.

In that moment, Emily felt an uncomfortable yearning. Not a desire for Paige as such, as they sat there now, but a yearning to see clearly through the haze of alcohol that had engulfed her on Friday night. Emily wished that she could remember clearly how it had felt to touch Paige, to see her above her, beneath her, bare, without having to strain for the memory. Without having to fight to separate what was reality and what was purely fantasy.

Emily tore her eyes away abruptly at the thought, realising she was staring.

The last thing they needed was for Paige to catch her gawking at the first slither of flesh that came into view.

The last thing she needed to be doing was gawking at the first slither of flesh that came into view.

Emily ran a hand through her hair, pulling her knees up to her chest. She rested her cheek against them, unable to really help but let her gaze fall back to Paige again. Paige's face, this time. Safer, if still running the risk of making things awkward.

 _More_ awkward.

Emily couldn't really read Paige's expression, though the sight of it was enough to make her frown. Paige looked like she was trying her best to hold it together, though not necessarily emotionally, more as if she was trying to calm herself. As if she was burning, beneath the surface. Her uncertainty was the easiest emotion to read, an emotion Emily shared.

Part of Emily was merely thankful that Paige had actually turned up in the first place. Maybe their talk, or lack thereof, was a bust, but Paige had still come, which was something. Part of Emily hadn't expected her to. There was just something about Paige, the way she was the night before, something that surpassed the awkwardness and uncertainty that had come part and parcel with the aftermath of their…brief encounter. The last time Emily had known Paige so eager to be away from her was when they were fifteen and Emily, admittedly, hadn't really put it past Paige to have a similar reaction, now.

Emily wondered if that was really fair of her.

It was a different situation entirely, Emily knew that. Avoiding someone because they represented the one thing you were trying to avoid within yourself, that was different. And Paige was certainly over that, now.

So, what was Paige avoiding?

Emily didn't know. More frustratingly, she was still too afraid to ask.

 _We were drunk. We made a mistake. Let's just pretend it never happened._

Paige's words had made Emily uncomfortable, but it hadn't taken long at all for her to realise that it wasn't discomfort she was feeling. It was hurt. Initially, that had thrown Emily because, well, did she really want to hear anything different?

Paige had offered both of them the easy way out without them even having to get into what had and hadn't happened between them. Wasn't that what Emily wanted? For this all to be a distant memory? Why would it hurt to have that handed to her on a plate?

Emily knew why.

Paige's voice could never quite manage to mask her underlying emotions. It always gave her away. Emily had picked up on that quickly, when they'd eventually become friends, maybe even beforehand. Whilst certainly, she couldn't always read _exactly_ what Paige was feeling, it was always easy to tell when Paige was saying something she didn't mean.

Paige didn't say 'pretend it never happened' because it was what she wanted to do that herself.

Paige had said it for her.

Not because it was what was for the best, not because it was what she really felt deep down, but because Paige, for whatever reason, truly believed it was what Emily wanted to hear.

 _That's_ what hurt.

A flash of anger coursed through Emily at the thought. At Paige, stubborn, infuriatingly well-meaning Paige putting her own feelings, whatever they may be, aside just to tell her what she 'wanted' to hear. Just to make her happy. Emily didn't _want_ Paige to placate her. She wanted Paige to guide her, to give her the answers they needed.

Emily's anger waned quickly. It was hardly as if she knew what she _actually_ wanted Paige to say to her. Or what she, herself, wanted to say to Paige.

They were doing a terrible job at fulfilling their promise to 'talk'.

"Do you remember prom?"

Why, out of everything she could have probably said to break the silence, she'd decided to plump for that, Emily didn't know. Her words had prompted Paige to look at her, Emily deciding that was something, at least.

"Uh, Yeah? 'Course."

Paige's eyes drifted back ahead once she'd answered, her brow furrowed in apparent befuddlement by Emily's sudden topic of conversation.

A heavy sigh fell from Emily's lips, her own gaze drifting out across the practice field, catching a brief glimpse of the bright blue encased within the walls.

"I didn't want to go."

Emily wasn't sure when she was continuing, but found herself ploughing on, regardless. Emily felt convinced she was being driven purely by a desire to fill the silence that, whilst nowhere near as unbearable as she'd expected it to be, was suddenly wearing thin. The longer it lasted, the further away from her Paige seemed to drift and her words, for all random and unmeasured, were all she could think of to keep Paige close.

"I said yes for Aria, because, well, you know," Emily shrugged. She couldn't really see Paige from that angle, but could sense that she was nodding her understanding. "I went anyway because my Mom was so happy about the dress, and…"

Emily trailed off, sighing once more. Her words felt more and more meaningless the more she spoke. She chanced a glance at Paige, surprised to find that she was looking at her again. Paige had shifted, mirroring her position, chin resting against her knees, knees hugged tight to her chest. Paige's expression was curious, if still a little perplexed. Emily cleared her throat, spurred on.

At least she'd at least captured Paige's attention.

"I was surprised when you showed up. I was glad, that you showed up."

Emily's eyes drifted ahead again with the admission. Her skin bristled at the sensation of Paige's gaze, which remained on her. Emily swallowed, feeling her skin flush. It was intense, the stare. For all she couldn't see it, she could feel it.

"I only enjoyed it, for the most part, because you were there."

Emily's eyes flit to Paige cautiously as she caught herself, sure that her own expression was as questioning as Paige's was. She didn't know why she'd decided to admit that. Paige's confusion was all the more prominent now, and tinged with something else, something Emily couldn't quite read.

"You bought me a corsage."

 _Shana's._

Emily hung her head. Why was she back to this again? Why was she bringing this up?

"It wasn't Shana's, was it?"

Emily heard Paige swallow. She chanced a glance up in time to see Paige's jaw tightening, Emily quickly overcome with a desire to back-peddle, though how she'd manage to do that, she didn't really know.

Emily didn't know a lot, lately. She was quickly coming to accept that.

For instance, she didn't know where on earth she was going with this. She didn't know what she was asking. She didn't know why it mattered so much. So what, if Paige had bought her a corsage. It was a _corsage,_ maybe even an afterthought. It didn't mean that Paige had planned to…

"No," Paige answered after a beat, stretching her legs out in front of her as she spoke, her hands splaying out against the grass to support her weight. "Aria gave it to me."

"Oh."

Deflated. It was an odd sensation, but one Emily certainly felt and that perplexed her. What difference did it make, where it came from?

It was just a corsage.

"Well, Mike did. Aria had the…"

"Stomach flu."

"Right," Paige nodded, her eyes flitting to Emily again, still curious, hesitant. Emily remained silent as once again, Paige's gaze fell away. "Aria, she um, mentioned you were only really going for her benefit. That you wouldn't exactly be thrilled about having to go with the rest of the group, alone."

"I see."

There it was again.

Deflation.

"Shana didn't really care much, if I went or not. Went without her, or not," Paige corrected, Emily happy that at least she'd got Paige taking. "But me, I actually really always wanted to go? Since I was little. That's kind of a secret, by the way."

Paige smiled at her then. A wry, genuine smile, the first in what felt like forever, Emily's heart swelling at the sight.

"How did Aria know you'd decided to still go?"

"I, uh, I told her I was thinking about it?" Paige shrugged, crossing her legs, wincing a little as she did so. "She…" Paige paused, head falling forward with a sigh. _"I_ asked her, if the two of you had planned anything special, or whatever. She said no, but mentioned her Mom had gotten you both a corsage. Mrs Montgomery was really made up when she decided to go, you know? I figured it'd be…a nice gesture, if you still got yours. So I asked for it, Aria gave it to Mike, Mike gave it to me. Why did you want to know?"

"What?"

"Why does it matter, if it was Shana's corsage or not?"

Good Question.

"Why would you lie about it?"

"I don't know," Paige shook her head, drawing her legs back up to her chest, her chin nestling atop of them once more. "Like I said. I thought it would be a nice gesture."

"Right."

Emily heard Paige sigh.

"I didn't want you to think I'd gone out of my way to get it," Paige huffed, arms tightening around her shins. "I didn't…I wasn't turning up with the intention of taking you, if that's what you're getting at."

"I'm not…"

Emily sighed. Was that what she was getting at? Was that what she was trying to figure out?

"I did think it would be kind of nice, if we went together," Paige added after a moments contemplation, biting the inside of her cheek as her gaze flit to Emily once more. "Just as friends."

"I thought so, too," Emily agreed, swallowing. Her throat, suddenly, felt dry. "It _was_ nice that we went together."

Emily looked to Paige, who again offered her a smile, a smile tinged with sadness, with exhaustion. Paige's gaze fell away, but Emily's remained, the silence that fell over them now far more comfortable than the one that preceded it.

Emily closed her eyes, basking in it for a moment. She felt calmer. They were talking, finally. Not about the important things, but talking. Talking about things that, admittedly, had been on her mind for whatever reason, since the night before. It was nice, the brief respire of calm, for all Emily really found herself left with were more questions.

Questions about Paige, yes. But also, questions about herself.

"There was this point, halfway through the night," Emily heard herself continuing, unsure why, alarmed, somewhat, by the sensation of her heart hammering heavily in her chest all of a sudden, confusingly so. It didn't deter her. "Everyone was dancing together and I was so…I don't know if jealous is the right word. Sad? I guess. Everyone was with someone they loved. I guess I was sad, that I didn't have that. Everyone built prom up to be this huge thing, this _special_ thing and there I was, alone."

Paige's brow was furrowed when Emily eventually mustered the courage to look at her. The question there was clear to see.

 _Why are you telling me this?_

Paige didn't ask. Emily felt relieved. She wasn't sure she had an answer. Emily tried to hold Paige's gaze, but failed, unsure what she wanted to say, but certain, that whatever it was, she couldn't do it with Paige looking at her so intently.

"I wasn't alone," Emily spoke softly, her eyes falling away. She dared herself to look at Paige once more, though again failed to hold it. "You were with me."

" _Em."_

"I didn't realise it, at the time," Emily cleared her throat, ignoring the way her name sounded as it fell from Paige's lips. "But I do now. You were there. I did get to share it with someone I…"

Loved.

Emily choked on the word, the word, the implication of what she was saying making her breath hitch and her stomach flip uncomfortably. The weight of what she was saying, what she was implying, floored her like a punch to the face.

 _Love?_

"Why are you telling me this?"

Paige asked the question this time, though Emily still didn't have an answer.

"I don't know."

Emily closed her eyes, letting her head fall into her hands.

"We didn't come here to talk about _prom_ Emily."

"I know we didn't."

She chanced a look at Paige then and suddenly, it was back. Whatever it was that had trapped them within a sour silence for so long earlier, whatever it was that had kept her words at bay for so long before, had returned with a vengeance.

"You _kissed_ me," Paige's voice, raw, cut through the silence before it could consume them. Emily's chest tightened at the emotion in Paige's tone, the hopelessness that so easily resonated within herself. "You said those things, about me, about…us. _You_ started it. You're the one that wanted us to talk, but you're not talking."

"Paige…"

"No," Paige shook her head, fixing her gaze ahead once more. " _You're_ the one that wanted to meet here. That wanted to talk about…it. But you're not saying anything."

"You said you wanted to forget it," Emily found her voice, feeling a flare of her own annoyance rising at the frustration encasing Paige's words. "Did you really mean that? Or were you just telling me what you think I want to hear?"

"Isn't it?" Paige bit back. "What you want to hear?"

 _No._

Emily's shoulders slumped, the fight falling from her. It wasn't what she wanted to hear. Emily wasn't sure what she wanted to hear. She wasn't sure if she was ready to find out.

"You can't expect me to have all the answers here, Em," Paige shook her head hopelessly, jaw tightening. "Not when _you're_ the reason for all of the questions."

"That's not fair…"

"No? You're the one that brought it up. You're the one who said you were surprised we hadn't. You're the one that climbed into _my_ bed and you're the one who kissed me," Paige interjected, her voice raising the more she spoke, Emily catching sight of the way Paige's skin flushed, of the way she tried, and failed, to control her breathing. "You're the one who left, the second Samara called."

"That isn't fair, Paige," Emily countered, her own anger flaring up within her once more. It sounded an awful lot like an accusation, an accusation that didn't make sense to her. "I left because you wouldn't even look at me. Maybe I started this, but _you_ were there. You were part of it. _You_ finished it."

The silence returned, Emily in a way thankful for it, pulling in a deep breath in an attempt to slow her rapidly beating heart. She'd let her emotions get the better of her, regretting that instantly at the sight of Paige pushing herself up.

Emily didn't try and stop her as she walked away, feeling confident in the assumption that Paige wasn't actually leaving. Sure enough Paige stilled once she'd increased the space between them, space, Emily appreciated, they seemed to need right now.

Emily took the time to calm herself, to calm her mind. She couldn't keep doing this to herself, to Paige. She didn't know why she'd done what she'd done. She didn't know what her feelings for Paige were now, not anymore. Everything was so muddled, in her mind. She knew it wasn't fair to try and iron things out between them, whilst all that was still up in the air. All she knew was that she wanted Paige back. Back the way they were.

Emily prayed that was possible, somehow, for all she didn't know how to go about getting there.

Emily frowned as she settled her attention back on Paige ahead of her, her gaze easily drawn to the way Paige's pacing was faltering whenever she had to put pressure on her left leg.

" _Please_ let me look at it?"

Emily's request rang with an uncomfortable hint of pleading, Emily doing her best to ignore it. She hoped, at least, that Paige wouldn't pick up on it.

Emily didn't know what she'd actually be able to ascertain from looking at Paige's leg, or what she'd actually be able to do for her, besides massaging out any knots or kinks she came across.

 _If_ Paige would let her actually touch her, that was.

Trudging seemed to be the best way to describe how Paige made her way back over to her, reluctance dogging her frame. She slumped down next to Emily, laying her leg out gingerly in front of her, resting back against her palms, her other leg tucked beneath her. Paige's body remained tense, though she didn't protest this time when Emily began unlacing her shoe.

Emily pulled off Paige's sneaker, before tugging her sock down clear of the ankle. It wasn't swollen, which offered her a little relief. A lay off was that last thing Paige would want. Emily cupped Paige's heel tentatively, watching Paige's face closely as she pushed it back slowly, trying to gauge any discomfort. Paige didn't wince, though she hardly displayed a great deal of comfort either. Emily's fingers worked their way up Paige's calf and sure enough, there was a tightness to it, though Emily couldn't fully determine whether that was a result of Paige's stumble, or a side effect of their current proximity.

Emily massaged it as best as she could, not really sure that it would help, in the grand scheme of things, but thankful that Paige was allowing her to be so close, given how tense the air remained between them.

"You promised coach you'd go easy."

Emily watched a flare of annoyance cross Paige's features, though it soon faded, Paige's shoulders sagging with a sigh.

"Sometimes I just…don't know when to stop."

Emily swallowed, her hands stilling, then falling away. It was easy to hear in Paige's tone that she wasn't just referring to her run. Emily's hands splayed out across the grass, grasping at it, as if she needed to fill the void that Paige's contact left behind.

"I'm sorry."

Emily hadn't expected Paige to speak again, confused by the apology. She didn't know exactly what Paige was apologising for.

"I'm sorry that I shut you out after we'd…after we…that I…"

"Let me leave?"

Paige looked away, pulling her leg away from Emily, hugging it against her torso protectively once more.

"I just didn't want you to think you had to stay, for me," Paige continued, her eyes fixed to her fingers, her fingers pulling at the grass. "That you could go be with Samara if you…"

"Why are you _so_ sure I wanted to go and 'be with' Samara?" Emily asked, a hint of exasperation to her tone. She couldn't help it.

Why did they keep coming back to Samara?

"Well, wasn't that what it was all about?"

Paige looked at Emily as if she should know exactly what she meant, though Emily's brow merely furrowed the longer Paige's eyes implored her to agree with the statement.

Emily had no idea what she was talking about.

"You got jealous at the party, when you saw her with that girl. You got drunk with me because you can't talk about your feelings sober…"

Emily scoffed, shaking her head at the insinuation. _She_ couldn't talk about her feelings sober? Paige was one to talk. Something stopped her from saying that aloud however, despite the offence she'd taken refusing to fade.

"It was obvious that you weren't happy about the possibility of her getting with someone else."

"So I guess kissing you was just me trying to get my own back on her, then?" Emily countered with a flare of annoyance, her fight quickly dissipating as she took in the way Paige reacted to her words.

Paige's gaze fell to the ground, her lips pulling into an instant frown, one she was clearly fighting to conceal. It didn't work, she couldn't mask it. Emily could read it easily, just how much Paige believed it was true.

How much it hurt her.

"Was it?" Paige swallowed, lifting her gaze to Emily after a moments hesitation.

Emily shook her head. It wasn't, she was sure of that.

Seeing Samara with Quinn, flirting so openly, the chemistry between them so obvious, it _had_ hurt her. That hurt had confused her, because Samara was just someone to pass the time, as awful as it felt to even think that. Yes, it had made her question where they were, where she actually wanted them to go and if she was truly okay with not being 'exclusive'.

But that had had nothing to do with what happened between her and Paige.

At least, it didn't feel like it did.

Perhaps Paige was right, in assuming that that was why she'd needed to hit the bottle a little harder than usual. Maybe she was also correct in assuming Emily needed the 'Dutch courage' to open up to her about it. But no, Emily shook her head again, not under any circumstances was that why she'd decided to kiss Paige.

"I didn't kiss you to get back at Samara."

 _I kissed you because I wanted to._

Emily's eyes fell away at that, the speed at which the answer came to mind, without the haze of alcohol to blame, making her feel uneasy.

Paige was staring at her intently when she eventually summoned the courage to look up, her scepticism clear. Emily waited, knowing that Paige surely would be able to see, even through her oftentimes crippling self-doubt, that Emily was telling her the truth. It took a while but eventually she acknowledged what Emily had said, giving her a brief nod.

 _Then why did you?_

The question was easy to read on Paige's features, though for whatever reason, she refrained from asking it.

Part of Emily was thankful for that.

Emily was beginning to worry that she did know the answer to that question, that it was buried deep within her somewhere, somewhere she was too afraid to go. It was there, she knew it was there, buried beneath all of the conflicting emotions battling it out within her and muddling her mind.

Paige was her best friend, just like Aria was, or Spencer, Hanna. But at the same time she wasn't. They connected…differently. Their friendship was wholly different, to what she had with the others.

Emily shifted uncomfortably. What if, for all this time, she'd merely been kidding herself, somehow?

Emily, having eventually stumbled out of the closet, had owned up to how hard she'd crushed on Alison Dilaurentis for the majority of 10th grade. She'd worked through those feelings slowly, but surely, even salvaging a friendship with the girl, eventually. What she'd never admitted to anyone however, not even herself fully, was just how hard she'd crushed on Paige, barely a year before that.

And Emily _had_ crushed on Paige back then, no matter how much she'd tried to deny it over the years. No matter how much she'd tried to brush it off as part of her confusion, or part of her loneliness, it was a fact. Emily hadn't known what it was, at the time, but it had been there, sure enough.

Out of all the girls at that first swim camp, Paige had stood out from the crowd. First because of her swimming, her skill. Then her hair; she'd dyed it red, since the last time Emily had saw her, the colour always standing out in stark contrast to everything else around her. Emily always seemed to focus on the way Paige looked when she brushed her bangs back from her face. Adorable, vulnerable. Whenever she did it, a crack appeared in Paige's tough façade and Emily had always felt special somehow, in having been able to notice it. Emily had yearned to be close to her and the harder Paige pushed her away, the harder she tried to push back.

They'd drifted apart, though. Then Alison had appeared and that crush, it had faded away.

But it hadn't. Not really. Emily knew that, had known that even before Paige kissed her in the back of her Mom's car and lit a fire within her all over again. Ultimately, Paige pushed her away again and again, whatever niggling feelings she'd had for Paige, they'd faded away.

Emily felt a wave of sickness wash over her, as she contemplated the possibility that they hadn't _ever_ faded.

What if, instead of fading away, she'd merely buried those feelings deep within her to accommodate their growing friendship? What if the reason she felt so comfortable with Paige, so eager to be around Paige so often, was because her feelings were always coasting just _past_ friendship, into something more?

What if she'd been kidding herself this entire time? What if the reason she'd never been able to commit to a serious relationship with anyone was because somehow, she was comparing them all to Paige?

Paige, who no girl had ever managed to live up to.

Not in Emily's eyes.

"Em?"

Paige's voice came soft, though it still managed to startle Emily from her thoughts. Emily's thoughts had jarred her, a faintness flowing through her as she took in what she was suggesting to herself. Her brain whirred, the air surrounding her almost suffocating as she tried to shake the thoughts from her mind.

"You okay?" Paige asked, her earlier distance seemingly forgotten as she shuffled closer, hand hovering as if she was about to touch Emily, before apparently deciding against it.

"I…yeah, yeah," Emily stammered out, shaking her head as she pushed herself from the ground hastily, rocking unsteadily as she rose, needing to put some distance between them. Paige pushed herself up hastily to steady her, though Emily all but jolted away from the touch, too unsure to be so close to Paige, not when her mind was so disjointed.

"Alright," Paige cleared her throat, averting her gaze. She attempted to shove her hands into her pockets, into pockets that weren't there, Emily frowning at the awkwardness of it all. Emily felt _awful_ then, taking in Paige's expression, her entire body language seeping with disappointment. Emily felt even more awful that she already did, given the mess she'd made of them. "I guess maybe we should head back."

Emily wasn't sure, judging on Paige's tone, if she really meant that. Her body language seemed to suggest reluctance, but then again, Emily couldn't really be sure that she wasn't just projecting her own reluctance onto the situation. She felt herself sag at the thought of parting, knowing that they'd gotten no further along than the were the day before. Part of her knew it was for the best, though, Emily too charged, too conflicted, to be around Paige without doing or saying something stupid.

Doing or saying something stupid _again._

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Paige shrugged, biting the inside of her lip, her head falling forward, obscuring her expression from Emily's view. Emily frowned, wondering if that was the intention. "Maybe space is a good thing. For now."

Emily felt her chest constrict at the suggestion. _Space._ For all she hopelessly hated the idea, she didn't have a better option to offer up. Paige looked up at her then. Paige, who's own fears were etched on her face, was again pushing all of them aside for Emily's sake. Emily couldn't hold her gaze.

Emily could never deserve someone like Paige.

She nodded slowly, her agreement reluctant, but conclusive.

Paige returned the acknowledgement, hovering for a moment. A part of Emily wanted to stop her from leaving, but ultimately she didn't and Paige soon turned, with haste no less, Emily watching hopelessly as she disappeared slowly, back toward the dorms.

* * *

Shame, perhaps oddly, was the most prominent emotion Emily felt as she walked, her body feeling empty, save for the feeling of it.

It had all seemed so clear, the night before when she'd suggested it. Meet Paige. Talk to Paige. Sort things out, _with_ Paige.

That hadn't worked out.

So, shame it was. Because she'd really hoped she'd have been able to cut through the barrier she knew Paige was going raise that morning, but she'd failed to do so. Instead she'd managed to do nothing but construct obstructions of her own as they'd sat side by side. To top it all off, she'd failed to offer Paige the honesty she so desperately craved from Paige herself.

Everything had unravelled so easily.

Emily scuffed the ground with her foot, biting her lip with a sigh before pushing on. She knew her current plan of action was an astoundingly terrible one. At least it was in-keeping with her current theme, Emily supposed.

Emily hoped that perhaps, if she could at least get this right, she'd have a shot at redeeming herself for the day, at least in part.

Samara lived off campus in a small, relatively non-descript house. Despite it's size, the house was crammed, the landlord having made sure to squeeze as much rent as possible out of the limited dwelling. The thought of one of Samara's seven housemates answering the door slowed Emily's pace considerably as she made her way across the street.

Coming here hadn't seemed like a good idea to begin with and that wasn't something that appeared to be changing, the closer Emily got.

Emily rang the doorbell before she could talk herself out of it, her foot tapping anxiously as she waited for a response. Emily glanced at her watch, frowning. It was still relatively early. Her shoulders slumped in relief when she was greeted by Samara, Emily knowing her patience was thin, too thin to have had to make small talk with one of the other girls that resided there. Emily got the impression that none of them really cared for her, as it was. Waking them up at 10am on Sunday was hardly going to endear them to her.

"Em?" Samara stood back, surprised, expectedly, though Emily felt herself sag, worried now that Samara wouldn't actually want her there. Worried even that Samara wasn't home alone. "This is a surprise."

"Sorry."

Emily shrugged hopelessly. She got the feeling it wasn't going to be a good one.

Samara tipped her head towards the house, stepping aside to let Emily inside. She followed Samara wordlessly down the narrow hallways to her bedroom, dropping her bag on the floor and puffing out a breath once the door clicked shut behind them.

"So, what's up?"

Emily balled her fists, unsure how to even begin to answer that question, choosing to stall on it momentarily, instead taking the time to make her way over to the bed, slumping down onto it.

"Everything okay?" Samara asked, tilting her head to try and meet Emily's eyes. She made her way across the room when again, Emily failed to answer her, Emily feeling the bed dip beside her when she sat down. "Emily?"

Emily shook her head, tired suddenly, tired of talking, tired of thinking, tired of trying to understand why she was choosing to do the things she was doing lately.

Emily turned on impulse, pulling Samara towards her forcefully, pressing their lips together in haste, the kiss hard, bruising. Emily persisted with, despite the knots growing in her stomach the longer it lasted, despite the lack of response she got, despite the urge to pull away growing with every second.

If she just waited long enough, she'd fall into it.

She would.

She'd fall into it and remember that Paige wasn't what she wanted. That Paige was just her friend. That she didn't want love and everything that came along with it. That all she wanted was this; simple, safe, Samara, who could leave her at any point and not break her heart.

Emily pulled away with a frustrated groan, burying her head in her hands.

"O-kay…"

"Fuck. I'm sorry."

"That's…fine," Samara shrugged, though it was easy to hear in her tone that she was well and truly perplexed by the sudden turn of events.

"Shit," Emily sat up straight, coming back to herself, looking up to find Samara staring back at her, her expression understandably confused. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"Don't sweat it," Samara held her hands up, puffing out a short breath. Emily frowned. Samara, though nothing like Paige, appeared to share the patience Paige always seemed to have with her, especially whenever Emily was skirting around an issue, much like she knew she was now. "What's going on?"

Emily shook her head, looking up, pulling in a slow, steadying breath as she tried to calm herself.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Try me?" Samara shuffled back onto the bed crossing her legs as she manoeuvred to face Emily, Emily noting the care she took to place distance between them. "I'm guessing you didn't come here to make out?"

"I'm so sorry," Emily sighed heavily, once again feeling guilty, guilty for coming here and kissing Samara, especially after everything she'd said, or elected not to say, the day before. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Like I said, don't sweat it."

Emily watched Samara shrug again, sighing. They settled into a silence, Emily, suddenly, hating the sensation. She'd been surrounded by silences like this one, all day. All weekend. Everything so awkward. Everything left unsaid.

"I'm guessing you came here to dump me?"

Samara didn't sound angry, or particularly upset as she spoke, though there was a tinge of disappointment in her tone, interlaced with a sullen sort of resignation.

Emily's face, apparently, told Samara everything she needed to know.

Emily frowned again. She'd come over here to do the right thing and Samara, in the end, had ended up having to say the words for her.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Samara, though her lips pursed initially, soon offered Emily a soft smile. "I kind of figured after yesterday that you weren't really invested in carrying on, or taking things any further."

"I'm still sorry."

Samara reached out and squeezed her shoulder, Emily appreciating the gesture. It had always been coming, this, not that that made it feel any better. Emily may have known their relationship had a shelf life from the very start, but she did _like_ Samara. It still hurt, somewhat, to know they were calling things quits, despite how much Emily knew it was for the best.

"Em? I know it might be a little awkward, given the fact we've effectively just 'broke up', but, you can talk to me, you know. If there's something bothering you," Samara probed, drawing Emily's gaze to her. "Which it seems like there is."

"Thanks."

Emily toyed seriously with taking Samara up on the offer. Samara wasn't implicit in her problems, like Paige was. And Samara couldn't cloud her senses with tales of how 'in love' with her Paige was, as Aria might. She wouldn't get side tracked on the particulars of her and Paige's 'tryst' as Hanna surely would and she wouldn't scold her, as Spencer probably would. And there was the fact that, if anything in their short time together, Emily knew that Samara was a great listener, that she'd offer her nothing but honest, objective advice.

She was a peer counsellor, after all.

Emily scrunched her face at that. There was, obviously, a glaring conflict of interest to consider.

"Have you ever…" Emily trailed off, unsure if she really wanted to do this with Samara, torn between stopping now, before things got awkward, _more_ awkward, or continuing on, a part of her really needing to. "Have you ever started seeing someone differently? Like…like they're there, all the time, but suddenly you're just… _seeing_ them?"

Emily puffed out a breath, a disgruntled expression gracing her face.

It made little sense to her, as she said it out loud. If Samara's face was anything to go by, it made little sense to her, listening to it.

"I mean…like, someone is just there, in your life and obviously you're _aware_ they're there. But all of a sudden you just… _notice_ them, in a completely different way. And…you realise that, maybe…"

 _You've always seen them that way._

Samara looked at her curiously for a moment, Emily opening her mouth to say _forget it,_ or even to explain herself, but her words caught in her throat.

Emily wasn't really sure _how_ to explain herself.

"You're talking about Paige, right?"

"How can you tell?" Emily sat back, surprised, sighing as she wondered if it was really that obvious.

Sydney had seemed oblivious enough to it, the night before, though she supposed that was different.

"Your face, mostly. That, and the fact that Paige was pretty much the only person who could've given you those hickeys, considering you were with her so late Friday night."

Emily frowned, tugging her jacket closed instinctively to cover the bruising. She was _not_ looking forward to practice tomorrow. Not only would Paige have to see the constant reminder of the night currently tearing them apart, her team mates would no doubt enjoy giving her a good ribbing.

"Plus, Paige was…shorter with me, than usual, when I bumped into her yesterday morning."

"You saw her?" Emily tipped her head back, groaning internally. No wonder Paige was so hung up on Samara, especially with how that must have looked to her.

"Briefly."

Emily sighed heavily, running a hand through her hair.

"What happened?" Samara asked, continuing as she sensed Emily's hesitance. "I'm asking as a friend, not an…ex. Honestly. You can talk to me about it. I won't get weird, or jealous."

Emily held Samara's gaze, making sure she meant it and continuing when she saw nothing to suggest anything otherwise.

"We got drunk, Friday night. I…I _wish_ I knew what came over me."

Emily shook her head, relaxing a little, thanks to the relief of actually having someone impartial to talk to, despite feeling a little uncertain about exactly how impartial Samara was. On Friday, they were dating. Five minutes ago, they'd broken up. A few seconds before that, she'd kissed Samara, in a meek attempt to prove whatever she was starting to feel for Paige was in fact, all in her mind.

"Is this too weird?"

Samara shook her head. Emily held her gaze for another moment, again wanting to make sure she wasn't just saying that for her benefit. She understood how easily she could be making Samara uncomfortable. Eventually satisfied, Emily let out a shaky breath, willing herself to rectify her earlier cowardice and just be honest.

If she couldn't be honest with Paige, the least she could do was to be honest with herself.

"I kissed Paige. We were drunk that night and I…kissed her."

Emily shuffled back onto the bed, chancing a glance to Samara, who looked neither surprised nor hurt by the admission.

"I'd made things awkward, with all this stuff about us having chemistry or…I don't really know, I can't remember," Emily shook her head, once again trying to cut through the haze that was Friday night. "But I kissed her. I know that. Then I told her I…that I wanted her."

"Did you guys…" Samara let the question hang.

"No. We came close, _really_ close," Emily shook her head at the memory, shifting uncomfortably, a low twinge in her body accompanying the thought. "She…I don't know. Sobered up before me? Wanted to know what it meant."

"What did it mean?"

"I really wish I knew," Emily practically groaned the answer, so desperately did she mean it.

"Damn."

"Damn indeed," Emily agreed. "And now…"

Emily's breath hitched in her throat, the sudden swell of emotion, of hopelessness, of heartbreak, overwhelming her.

"How long have you had feelings for her?"

The question sounded so simple, as it fell from Samara's lips. The observation unsettled her somewhat, though Emily felt a surge of something, an amalgamation of everything within her all at once. Hopelessness, desperation, fear, resignation.

 _Truth._

Emily knew the answer to that question.

She'd hidden it so well, for so long, the sensation of realisation surprised her.

 _Always._

She'd always had feelings for Paige.


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm back! Sorry it's been such a long while. This chapter is longer than the others, so hopefully that goes a way to making up for it ;) Thank you for all the kind words on the last chapter, it's always appreciated and great to hear people's thoughts on how the story is progressing. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I'm not 100% with it, but didn't want to drag it out any longer. Thank you, as always, for taking the time to read :)_

 _Also, a side note for anyone that also reads Flux; I haven't abandoned that story, for all it may seem that way. The next update is coming along well and I'm hoping to get it posted over the next couple of weeks._

* * *

 **Part Nine.**

Paige buried her face into her towel, hoping the action would at least muffle the heavy groan of frustration she couldn't help but emit as she walked away from the pool. She knew, in the grand scheme of things, masking it counted for very little; even if nobody heard her voiced displeasure, they'd surely be able to see it etched into her taut frame.

"Not your best."

Paige's jaw tightened to the point of pain.

 _No shit._

Paige dropped the towel from her face, instead twisting it tightly in her hands, hoping the marginal relief it offered would be enough to stave off the impulse to bite back at Coach Moss's remark. It was no secret that Paige was way off her best form; she certainly didn't need any reminder. Paige offered her Coach what she hoped was at least a mildly apologetic nod of acknowledgement, though she wasn't entirely confident she'd managed to completely hold back her distain.

Paige recognised the tone in which she'd been spoken to. Coach Moss's words weren't merely an observation; they were a warning, too. Paige had been warned to buck up her ideas, and fast, the next time she got into the water.

Paige whipped the floor with her towel agitatedly once Coach Moss was out of earshot, sighing with a similar agitation as she slumped off towards the bleachers. Paige tugged off her swim cap, grateful for the release, throwing it on the floor a little petulantly as she sank down onto the bench.

Paige felt she was owed a little petulance.

Monday practices were always intense, especially for those in their freshman year, as Paige was. Most of her first year teammates, herself included, still hadn't quite mastered the delicate balance between the weekends of success college so heartily offered up and the heavy workload, both academic and physical, that college demanded. Paige knew she was faring better than most of her teammates, but still found herself promising all too often to learn better 'next week'.

Next week always came. Keeping good on her promise…well, that was a little less consistent.

One place Paige could usually count on keeping consistency was in the water. Today, apparently, was the exception to that rule.

Paige stretched out, trying not to focus on her niggling disappointment and instead on relieving the tired pull deep in her muscles. Sunday night, in keeping with much of the weekend, had offered Paige very little in the way of relaxation. She'd tried (and failed) to study, to the point of maddening frustration. That frustration had only conjured up a restlessness, a restlessness that had kept her awake for most of the night. If that wasn't enough, her body still ached from her run the day before, as well as the rest of the weekend's excesses…

…and stresses.

Paige's eyes flit out across the natatorium, landing on Emily as if by default. Paige let her gaze linger, despite the growing urge to look away, no longer able to muster the energy to fight it.

What would it matter, if Emily caught her staring?

Hiding made little sense, now.

Paige watched as Emily finished up her laps, brow furrowing at the way Emily seemed to lag as she made her way back to the steps. Paige dropped her gaze as Emily hoisted herself from the water, almost out of habit.

Emily's body language was defensive, almost deflated, when Paige finally looked back up. It was easy to see, even from across the room, Emily's own frustration almost radiating off of her. Paige imagined it was something akin to how she must have looked, moments earlier.

They'd been in separate training groups that morning, which hadn't really given Paige the chance to pay a lot of attention to how Emily was faring. Paige was thankful for that, confident closer proximity to Emily would have only made her more distracted than she was already. From what Paige _had_ managed to see, she'd garnered that Emily's practice was about as torrid as her own had been.

Perhaps worse.

Whilst Paige, in her restless stupor, turned up to practice half an hour early, Emily had arrived 15 minutes late.

Coach Moss didn't take lateness lightly.

Paige hadn't taken kindly to the dressing down Coach Moss had given Emily, in full view of their teammates no less, though somewhat ashamedly, she'd done little to intervene. It wasn't a secret that Coach Moss wasn't overly fond of her and Paige took some comfort in the fact that speaking up would have likely just made things worse for Emily.

Usually infallibly graceful in the water, Emily's strokes had been off all morning; jerky, mistimed, off-pace. Emily had earned herself an extra ten laps for her showing and from what Paige could see, they'd done little to improve Coach Moss's opinion of her this morning, especially if the hushed exchange the two of them were currently sharing was anything to go by.

Paige frowned as she observed it. It was a one off, whatever was effecting Emily today. Tomorrow, with a better night's sleep and a clearer mind, Emily would be blowing the rest of them out of the water. Paige only hoped Emily would remember that.

Coach Moss didn't mince her words and it was easy to see, even from a distance, that whatever she was telling Emily now was wearing her down quickly. Emily looked a picture of exhaustion, Paige hit with a twinge of guilt as she considered _why_ Emily would be so exhausted and in turn, so late _._

Paige couldn't shake the feeling that it was all her fault.

Paige spent the night before dissecting every last detail of their 'talk' and figured that perhaps Emily had done the same.

After all, it hadn't exactly gone smoothly.

Paige had intended…Paige didn't _know_ what she'd intended. She'd _hoped_ that Emily would have turned up prepared, or at least more prepared than she herself had. She'd hoped Emily would have had the answers, or the explanations she wanted, _they_ needed.

She hadn't.

The more they'd sat in silence, the more frustrated Paige had become. Eventually, she'd lost her cool. Paige had let her emotions get the better of her, she knew that. Paige felt somewhat embarrassed, in a way, because of that. Surely, Emily knew by now, even just from the pain in Paige's voice, how she felt about her. For all a part of Paige felt somewhat guilty about losing her calm now, another part of her wondered if anyone, _Emily,_ could really blame her.

Emily, who'd wanted to talk, but wouldn't do any of the talking.

Instead of explaining what had possessed her Friday night, or what it meant, or how she felt, she'd wanted to talk about prom. _Prom._ Paige knew that she herself had done her fair share of 'not talking', but still couldn't help but feel perturbed by Emily's own silence, as well as her deflection.

Maybe Emily, similarly, had tossed and turned all night, regretting what she didn't say. Paige had. Paige had even woke Sydney a few times, with her tossing, turning and sighing.

Had Emily frustrated herself to the point of insanity, scrutinising everything that happened between them on Friday and everything before, everything after? Was that why she looked so exhausted? Was that why she was late?

An irrational part of Paige's mind also entertained the possibility that Emily was late and looking so unkempt due to a night of raucous sex with Samara, but thankfully, she'd managed to rubbish that idea pretty quickly.

Mostly.

Paige didn't think Emily would do that. Not after their talk. As unsettling as the conviction felt deep within her chest, as confusing as it was, Paige had an inkling that Emily was perhaps as thrown as she herself was by everything that had happened between them. That she was trying just as hard to figure out what it meant for both of them. _To_ both of them.

Paige's brain, however, never one to miss up an opportunity for crippling self-doubt, tried to dispute that certainty, much to her distain. After all, Emily _had_ spent the morning with Samara, the night after they'd…

"Not like Em to be late."

Sydney's voice drew Paige from her thoughts and whilst startled, she was thankful for it. She shuffled along instinctively, making space for Sydney alongside her.

"I feel kind of bad for giving up so quickly this morning, now."

Paige felt her own pang of guilt at that, wondering if perhaps she should have woken Sydney up, or even knocked for Emily, before she'd left that morning. At the time Paige had decided let Sydney sleep on, not really wanting to wake her, needing the walk, the space, to clear her head for the week ahead. For all Sydney had turned up on time, she'd done so in a fluster, just barely making it.

"I knocked twice, but she must have been out like a light or something."

"Maybe she wasn't home."

Again, for all her earlier conviction, Paige couldn't really help but let her mind go there. It was a petty, loathsome thought, fuelled only by her self-doubt and Paige hated herself for voicing it.

Paige's eyes sought out Emily once more, her lips tugging into a frown when she realised Coach Moss was _still_ scolding her. Paige's blood burned a little at that; 15 minutes was hardly _that_ late and Emily's times couldn't have been much worse than her own. Emily deserved some slack, though it appeared Coach Moss didn't really share the sentiment.

"Probably not," Sydney's own frown curled up into a smirk as she spoke. "Mel's been teasing the shit out of her all morning. Have you seen her chest? Samara's a _frickin'_ vampire."

"Syd,"Paige practically pleaded. She did _not_ want to hear it.

"Poor Em. Though, I guess she probably enjoyed getting all those hickey's, at the…"

" _Syd."_

Paige already knew _exactly_ how much Emily had enjoyed getting them, at the time.

She was there, after all.

Paige cringed at the thought. Once her initial embarrassment faded, her guilt set in. Paige knew, in a way, she was lucky. She could sit there and be as confused or embarrassed or ashamed as she wanted to be about what they'd done, comfortable in the knowledge that everyone else was none the wiser. Emily, however, well Emily had to walk around with the evidence marred across her chest, wearing their whole sorry mess of an encounter for the world to see.

 _Poor Em_ indeed.

"Em!"

Paige tensed as Sydney summoned Emily over, the tension only made worse as she considered the unfamiliar feeling. It was Emily. She never had to feel tense about Emily.

But she did.

Paige pushed through the sensation, recognising the ridiculousness of it all and forcing herself to look up, finding Emily's eyes on her own as she did so. Only for a moment. Once Emily realised she'd been caught, her gaze fell away. Paige sagged.

Was this what they were now?

The wave Emily offered them was meek, her smile feigned, clipped. Paige's stomach dropped when Emily elected not to heed Sydney's request and make her way over to them, as she usually would. Instead she dipped her head, making a hasty beeline for the changing rooms. Paige felt mildly relieved, but conflictingly angered by the dodge, though she soon decided it wasn't exactly fair of her to be.

She was the one who'd suggested space, after all.

"Weird," Sydney mused, brow tugging into a frown. "Coach must have really laid into her."

"She's really on one today."

It was something of a redundant statement. Coach Moss, it seemed, was always 'on one' _._

"Maybe you should go see if she's okay?"

Paige nodded, pushing forward, only to falter.

Was that really such a good idea?

Would her presence actually offer Emily any comfort right now? Or would it just make everything worse? Despite being her natural instinct, Paige considered that perhaps, given everything lingering between them presently, trying to comfort Emily wasn't exactly the right thing for them, right now.

Suggesting space was something that had come to Paige reluctantly, uncertainly, but admittedly, the more she considered it, the more it made sense. Paige knew what she felt for Emily, but she didn't know if she was ready to admit to it. How was she supposed to prepare herself for something like that? To gear herself up to stand before Emily, to say it out loud and wait for the world as she knew it to come crashing down around her?

Paige hadn't really gathered much of Emily's perspective during their conversation yesterday, but the one thing she _had_ picked up on was the fact that Emily didn't know why she'd started what she'd started between them, or what that meant to her, or for them, now.

Space would give them both time to clear their heads, as impossible as the possibility of that happening felt right now.

 _Why don't you?_

The question was on the tip of Paige's tongue, poised and ready. Sending Sydney was probably for the best. For all Sydney had a…unique approach when it came comforting someone, Paige had a strong feeling that right now, it was the best option for Emily.

However logical that conclusion seemed, Paige's brain still rallied against that rationalisation. If Emily was hurting, Paige wanted to be there for her. She always did.

Always.

Sydney was looking at her. Paige could feel it, all of a sudden, the sensation jolting her back to reality. She wavered for a moment longer, before looping her towel around her neck, hoping the action looked natural, planned. If Sydney had picked up on any of her hesitation, she didn't mention it. Paige pushed up, taking a deep breath.

She could do this. It was only Emily, after…

"McCullers!"

The groan fell from Paige's lips before Paige could stop herself, the wince that followed as she realised Coach Moss had caught onto it similarly obvious. Paige didn't bother to mask her dread (or her mild annoyance) as she trudged toward her, already surrendered to her fate.

Paige liked to believe she was nothing, if not respectful. And remaining respectful to her teachers, her coaches, her peers, that was something that had been drilled into her from an early age. You can get through life with bad manners, but it's easier with good ones, her grandfather always said. Paige followed that.

Mostly.

Coach Moss was a test; a test Paige's manners didn't always manage to pass.

Out of all of the coaching staff at Stanford, Coach Moss was the hardest to please. Her soul purpose appeared to be to work her swimmers bodies to the bone, to condition them physically, to drill into them that only the best would cut it. Paige knew it was probably a necessity of sorts, especially with the freshman. There was some value in scaring them into obedience, Paige understood that, she did. She just didn't always have the patience for it.

It had to be obvious that Paige's mind was elsewhere as Coach Moss talked over todays failings and suggested, or more accurately demanded, improvements for tomorrow. To Coach Moss's credit, she didn't mention it. As much as Paige knew she should at least be feigning concentration, she couldn't. Try as she might, Paige's mind was fixed on Emily and nothing else.

Would Emily have changed and gone by the time she made it to the locker room? Would she miss her chance to talk to her before class? _Would that be a good thing?_

The conversation they'd shared yesterday was still ripe in Paige's mind. Surely, it was ripe in Emily's, too. Emily had skirted around the subject and the things Emily _had_ chosen to say had made little sense; they'd only confused Paige further. Paige hadn't known, still didn't know, what it was Emily was trying to tell her.

Worst of all, Paige wasn't sure Emily knew, either.

It hurt her. It hurt her to know that Emily, _her_ Emily, who always knew what to say to bring her back to herself, who always knew how to talk her down, call her out, couldn't even bring herself to just be honest with her. It hurt to see Emily holding things back, possibly for fear of hurting her, when Emily had to know the one thing she could always be with Paige, no matter the consequence, was honest.

"Paige?"

"Huh?"

"I rest my case."

Coach Moss crossed her arms, cocking an eyebrow expectantly, the expression sending Paige into something of a blind panic.

That wasn't a good look.

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt today, but if I don't see something different tomorrow…"

"Sure Coach," Paige held a hand up, giving Coach what she hoped came across as a reassuring nod. Coach Moss eyed Paige sceptically for a moment, before gesturing towards the locker room in silent dismissal. Paige took the out thankfully, practically jogging towards the double doors.

A steady hum of conversation greeted her as she entered the locker room, for all a fair number of the team were still out on deck, winding down. Paige's steps faltered as she made her way around the corner toward her locker. She wavered there for a moment, trying to decide on a course of action.

Paige opened her locker, her fingertips brushing along the top of her shower bag. She found herself seriously toying with the idea of just changing and getting the hell out of there. She could shower, get some reading done before her first class, then check in with Emily that evening, when perhaps everything wasn't so fresh in their minds.

Paige lingered for a moment more, undecided, before slamming the locker door shut.

Emily was her best friend. At least Paige hoped that was still the case. Even if it wasn't, Paige still cared for Emily, deeply. She still wanted to make sure she was okay. Just because, in the grand scheme of things, space was what felt right for them right now, that didn't mean Paige couldn't be there for Emily, when she knew Emily would need her to be.

At least…she'd usually need her to be.

Paige shook off her self-doubt, tugging her locker door open again. She tossed her towel inside, discarding it in favour of tugging on her warm up jacket. She didn't really know why she felt the need to put it on, for all the modesty it gave her, but did so anyway. Taking a breath to gather herself, she kicked the door shut once more and continued on, rounding the corner to Emily's locker.

"Ah, crap! Sorry…"

Paige screwed her eyes shut, face flushing. She stumbled back on herself in her haste, doing her best to erase the image of Emily before her, tugging the bra-straps up her arms.

"Don't sweat it," Emily spoke after a beat, though Paige remained frozen, eyes screwed shut. She heard the faintest hint of a laugh. "You've seen me in a bra before, Paige."

The nonchalance in which Emily greeted her comforted Paige, somewhat oddly, though the sensation was fleeting.

 _I've seen you out of one._

Paige scrunched her face up, chastising herself for that thought.

Paige kept her eyes closed despite Emily's assurances, listening carefully to the rustling of clothing, _Emily's_ clothing, as Emily continued to dress in front of her.

"You can look now."

Paige obliged, peeking one eye open cautiously, before opening them fully. She averted her gaze fairly instantaneously, feeling somewhat strange about watching Emily as she continued to dress. Emily had pulled her locker door open fully, creating a sort of barrier between the two of them. Paige sagged a little, at that, wondering, momentarily, if it was intentional.

"Are you okay?"

Paige got straight to the point. She shoved her hands into her pockets, more to still them more than anything else, leaning against the lockers as she spoke.

Paige watched Emily carefully, brow furrowing as she tensed a little at the question. Natural instinct prompted Paige to worry that it was possibly her arrival, her very presence causing Emily to hold herself so stiffly. It wasn't a doubt she allowed herself to give into. Paige knew the look on Emily's face. She'd seen it before.

After a moments deliberation Emily shrugged, taking a seat as she began combing out her hair.

Paige lingered for a moment, trying to gauge Emily's reaction to her being there, trying to decide if pressing her was a risk worth taking.

"No shower?"

"I just want to get home," Emily sighed, finally looking up at Paige. Much as it had out on deck earlier, Emily's gaze fell away the second it found Paige's, Paige's shoulders slumping at the reaction.

Apparently, this _was_ what they were now.

"What was Coach saying to you?"

Paige refused to give into the urge to just let it lie, reluctant to give into the urge to turn and leave it at that. She could tell from Emily's body language that something was bothering her and Paige was marginally confident that it wasn't _solely_ her sudden presence alongside her. Tentatively she straddled the bench, careful to keep some distance between them, not wanting Emily to feel as if she was hounding her.

Paige knew Emily hated that.

"I don't really want to talk about it."

Paige sagged again, the urge to push, to press Emily, coming on strong. She weathered that urge and let it pass, knowing that she shouldn't push her luck. If Emily didn't want to talk to her, Emily didn't want to talk to her. Maybe it was because she wasn't ready to, after yesterday, maybe it was because, as she'd just explained, she merely didn't want to just yet. Whatever Coach Moss had said to her was still fresh, it made sense to Paige that Emily wasn't going to open up about it, the very first chance she got.

Paige mumbled a mildly defeated _'no problem'_ , marginally content that she'd tried, at least.

"She said I've got to buck up my ideas."

Emily's voice stalled Paige's movements, for all the manner in which she'd pushed herself up was already painfully half-hearted. After a moment's hesitation Paige sank back down onto the bench, studying the way Emily's shoulders had relaxed some now that she'd spoken, Paige relaxing herself at the sight of it.

"And…"

Emily let out a heavy sigh, shaking her head as she set her hairbrush down beside her, as if readying herself to speak. Paige's concern peaked as Emily wavered. Coach Moss could be cutting, but usually Emily didn't let it get to her as much as it seemed to be, now.

"She also wanted to tell me that I won't be swimming against Arizona State next week."

" _What?"_ Paige earned herself some questioning looks as she spat out the word, reeling back in disbelief. Emily merely nodded, looking down ruefully. "That's bullshit! Coach Moss can't make a call like…"

"She can."

Paige could hear every ounce of disappointment, of resignation laced within Emily's words, a flare of undiluted anger rising up within her at the sound.

 _Who the hell did Coach Moss think she was?_

"And she has."

"Bullshit," Paige shook her head. "Absolute bullshit! As if she thinks she can just…"

"She _can,_ Paige."

"Like hell she can," Paige grumbled, tapping the side of the bench agitatedly as she tried to come up with some sort of solution. "I'll talk to her."

"Paige…"

"You're right," Paige shook her head. Coach Moss would sooner bench them both, before listening to anything Paige had to say. "I'll talk to Coach Freeman…"

"No, you won't," Emily shook her head, turning her attention to Paige fully. "I know you're just trying to help, but please Paige, _promise_ me you won't say anything?"

"But…"

" _Paige,"_ Emily urged her, Paige softening as her name fell from Emily's lips, at the look Emily was giving her. Paige understood what Emily was trying to tell her, wordlessly. Emily understood why Paige wanted to fix things for her, she appreciated Paige's determination to do so, but was resigned to her fate.

Paige nodded in defeat, shoulders sagging at the hopelessness of it all.

That's when she noticed it. How she hadn't picked up on it beforehand, she didn't know.

Touching Emily, even before they'd crashed together, quite literally, on Friday night, had always come accompanied by jolts, sparks, goosebumps, _warmth_. Yet here she was, holding Emily's hand loosely in her own, her thumb only stalling in its movements when her eyes settled upon it.

Now she was aware of it, her skin burned.

"I should shower," Paige cleared her throat, pulling her hand back hastily, hoping to limit any awkwardness she may have caused by not acknowledging the touch.

Emily didn't let was sure she'd felt a tug, Emily's grip tightening slightly, fleetingly.

Or was she just imagining it?

Paige's eyes looked up to Emily in surprise, as well as confusion.

Paige tried to relax, but her body was charged, alert. Emily wasn't looking at her, just at their hands, her expression questioning and strangely, perhaps even worryingly, forlorn. Paige watched Emily closely, trying to decipher what it was she was thinking, feeling, whilst simultaneously trying to remember to just _breathe_.

"Thank you," Emily cleared her throat, as if suddenly realising where she was. She gave Paige's hand one last squeeze, a squeeze Paige was certain was real this time, before finally letting go, pushing herself up from the bench once she did so. "For wanting to help."

"Always."

Emily's gratitude confused Paige, as did the notion that Emily didn't remember that Paige's first instinct would always be to help her, Paige brushing off the feeling as she stood herself. Instead she chose to focus on the fact that, at least in part, she'd managed to get Emily to open up to her.

They'd talked, without awkward silences or coded words. It had to count for something.

Emily resumed changing and Paige knew she should leave, do the same.

"Are you okay?" She asked instead.

Emily hadn't answered her earlier, after all.

The question seemed a little redundant, given that Paige could both sense and sympathise with exactly what Emily was feeling. She'd been benched herself before. She'd been benched by Coach Moss before. It wasn't a good feeling.

"Yeah," Emily nodded, then sighed, shrugging unconvincingly. "No."

"Talk to Coach Freeman," Paige urged her.

It was worth a shot.

Coach Moss was the hard one. Coach Freeman was the fair one. Coach Freeman focused on the mind, preparing her swimmers mentally, keeping them focused, keeping them content. Coach Freeman was kind, firm, but fair. She would listen, if Emily was honest with her about whatever had kept her from practice this morning.

Emily tilted her head as if to say 'maybe', though Paige wasn't entirely convinced she meant it.

 _God,_ Paige loathed herself.

Why couldn't she just walk away? She wanted to; to turn, to shower, to dress, to leave. Their natural conversation _had_ trailed off and Paige knew it made little sense for her to just stand there, loitering. Especially not whilst Emily was still getting changed. The other girls were slowly filtering into the locker room, a chill accompanying every swing of the double doors. Paige tugged at the hem of her warm up jacket, feeling goosebumps prickling her thighs.

Paige knew all of that, yet still, she lingered. She couldn't help it. She couldn't help but focus on the disappointment still etched on Emily's face. On the sadness there, sadness that had everything to do with Emily's love for swimming and nothing to do with Paige's love for her.

"It's just one meet Em."

"And if I screw up again before the next one?" Emily countered, Paige's heart twitching at the hopelessness in Emily's tone.

"You didn't screw up today," Paige shook her head, taking a tentative step forward.

"I _bombed_ out there," Emily sighed heavily. "I know _she_ doesn't think I'm good enough at the best of times…"

"Don't be ridiculous. You're more than good enough," Paige urged her, dipping her head in an attempt to meet Emily's gaze. "Today was just a bad day. I _know_ you Em. Tomorrow you'll be blowing the rest of us out of the water."

Paige smiled as Emily rolled her eyes, catching sight of the briefest twitch of a smile tugging onto Emily's lips.

"Talk to Coach Freeman? What's the worst that can happen?"

"Paige…"

"Do it for me?"

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Emily managed a wry smile, Paige's own only widening at the sight.

"Nope."

Emily rolled her eyes again, Paige looking down to mask the grin forming on her face, trying to ignore the way her chest swelled with pride at having managed to make Emily smile.

"Thank you."

Paige ignored the apparent hesitancy Emily seemed to suffer as she reached out, resting a hand tentatively on Paige's forearm. Paige tried to ignore the way her skin hummed at the touch, to ignore the urge to pull away in fear that all too soon, whatever normalcy they'd fallen into would be broken. Instead, she tried to enjoy the brief comfort they shared.

Paige managed, for a moment.

Paige tensed when, instead of stepping back as she dropped her hand, Emily stepped forward, tentatively drawing her into a hug. It was unexpected, Paige momentarily unaware of how to react as Emily's arms slinked around her neck, frozen. Eventually, she managed to reciprocate just as Emily began pulling away, wrapping her arms tightly around Emily's waist to stop her from doing so. Paige's body relaxed at the familiar feeling of Emily sagging into her.

There was still so much to be said and done between them, Paige knew that, knew this wouldn't last, but relished in the embrace all the same. No matter how fleeting it was to be, she took comfort in the fact that Emily still wanted to be near her, that Emily still sought out the comfort she was so willingly ready to offer.

All too soon, the moment was broken.

Mel Brewis came crashing into the locker room, wolf-whistling the moment she laid eyes on Emily, Paige's anger flaring when she realised it was aimed in their direction, what she suspected was a result of their proximity. Paige saw red when Mel snarked about Emily 'making the rounds' as she passed them, the soft shove Emily gave her as they parted the only thing stopping her from all but decking her teammate.

Emily turned her attention to her locker, cheeks flushed, awkwardly laughing off Mel's teasing. Her eyes, once again, wouldn't meet Paige's, instead remaining focused on her locker, on the other girls filtering into the room, on her bag, on her clothes. On anything but Mel.

On anyone but Paige.

"Paige," Emily's voice, clipped, pleaded with her.

Paige softened her stance, recognising just how tautly she was still holding herself, fists balled.

"Sorry."

Paige sagged, puffing out a breath as she tried to calm herself. She found herself suddenly stricken as she watched Emily hastily packing her duffle bag, rage flaring again as the hushed murmurs of 'who' and 'when' continued to bristle around them.

The rage she felt was quickly replaced with guilt. A guilt, again, because she was the reason why the girls were teasing Emily, guilt, again, that she herself didn't have to suffer quite the same fate.

Paige felt as if she should say something. To apologise, somehow. To address whatever it was that was going on between them, to point out that as easy as it would be for the both of them to continue on like this, leaving everything unsaid, they should perhaps give talking another shot.

"I should shower."

Perhaps it was cowardice, or perhaps it was common sense. They were no longer alone in the locker room and the half hour or so they had before Paige's first class of the day was hardly enough time to get through everything they needed to get into.

Paige found herself back to 'space' again. For all the idea of distancing herself from Emily terrified her, it didn't exactly seem like the worst idea in the world. Emily had no clue what had compelled her to start what she'd gone and started late Friday night, that much was obvious. Just like it was obvious to Paige that she was in no way near ready to confess to Emily exactly what it had meant to her.

If their talk the day before was anything to go by, they still needed to work on the 'what to say' part of any conversation they intended to have, anyway.

Paige gave Emily a brief nod in goodbye, trying her best to take comfort in the fact they'd managed to regain some of their normalcy (albeit fleetingly), instead of on everything left unsaid.

Emily still felt she could talk to her. Emily still sought comfort in her.

That was good enough, for one day.

* * *

Shana had greeted the excitement Paige had all but oozed for prom with a mild humour, along with a fleeting but equally deflating sense of distain.

' _The lamest time of year,'_ she'd dubbed it.

Paige didn't think prom was lame. Quite the opposite.

Senior year had been a good year. A really good year. As the beginning of the year was dawning, Paige finally felt she'd come into her own; she finally felt comfortable in her own skin. Paige found herself approaching everything with a renewed focus, a determination and a zest that had been sorely missing beforehand. Gone were the days of torturing herself over who might know or think what. It was as if a weight had been lifted and Paige just knew, somehow, that senior year was going to be her year.

Paige met Shana early on in the year, just before Shana transferred over to Rosewood High. They'd hit it off fairly instantaneously. Shana had a flirtatiously dry humour, one Paige found she could match easily, along with an infectiously laid back attitude, one Paige felt she could probably do with adopting, at the very least in part, herself. Shana was fun, Shana was relaxed and Shana wasn't demanding anything serious.

It was Emily, inadvertently, that gave Paige the push to take things further. They'd shared a few fumbles at parties, a few 'study breaks' where the only studying they did was each other, but had continually skirted around the subject of what it all meant, what they actually were to one another. It was Emily who'd pointed out offhandedly that Shana was Paige's _'girlfriend'_ and the second Paige heard the word and Shana put together in a sentence, she realised that was exactly what she wanted Shana to be.

They'd always known their relationship was on a clock. The end of high school was fast approaching by then and whilst they were both angling for a place in schools on the west coast, there were no assurances that they'd remain together, once they moved across the country. There was a silent agreement between them that they would enjoy what they had whilst they had it, but that there was no expectation it was going to go any further than high school.

Paige wasn't really sure why she looked forward to prom so much. She'd always wanted to go; partly because she'd been sold on the occasion of it all by copious teen movies in her youth and partly because it felt like the perfect way to end the year, to say goodbye. It was a night she could share with Shana; one they could take with them when they inevitably parted. It was a night she could spend with her friends before they all went their separate ways. She'd purchased her suit early on, nervous, but giddy, at the prospect of getting to wear one for the first time.

Shana had made her feelings about prom clear, disappointingly clear. She wasn't really bothered about going. She would though, for Paige, though even that acquiescence had hardly sounded enthusiastic. If it wasn't for Aria being felled by it too, Paige would've suspected Shana concocted the whole 'stomach flu' thing just to get out of going. She hadn't, of course.

Paige hadn't really wanted to own up to how crestfallen she'd felt (and still didn't), when Shana told her she'd taken ill. Shana told Paige to go to prom anyway, but Paige didn't want to. She wanted to take her date to prom, not be a third wheel to her friends. Or, more accurately, a fifth.

Then Aria told Paige Emily was still going and all but begged Paige to take Emily, instead of her. Paige took little encouraging.

Paige minimised her browser, running a hand across her face.

She _really_ needed to study.

Finals were only 5 weeks away, she had a paper due on Thursday, but of course, snooping through old prom photos on Facebook was a _far_ more productive way to spend her time. Paige groaned.

 _God,_ she was pathetic.

Not only pathetic, but _weak_. Paige told herself these things, but her internal lecture did little to stop her re-opening the browser window, a resigned frown tugging onto her lips as she looked at the picture on the screen.

They _really_ looked like a couple.

Paige's arms were wrapped around Emily's waist, their hands entwined, Emily's head tilted just slightly, so their heads rested against one another's. Their faces ruined the illusion, somewhat, Paige able to see where both she and Emily were trying their best not to break out into a fit of giggles. Pam had been so eager to take their picture together as each other's 'date' and they'd hammed up the cheesy couple pose, mostly to stave off the awkwardness Pam's insinuation had created. At least, within Paige.

They weren't each other's date. They were the spares. Paige had just lucked out, really, that it was Emily, of all people, that she'd wound up taking, by default.

Paige sighed heavily, shutting the window down fully this time, determined to stop whatever it was she was doing to herself, in purposelessly drudging up those memories.

It was all Emily's fault.

Paige wanted to know why Emily was so interested in prom, all of a sudden. What did it matter, if Paige had even _considered_ taking her intentionally? Paige frowned, an uncomfortable niggle of guilt accompanying the thought.

Paige _had_ taken Emily intentionally. She'd practically jumped at the chance. Maybe that knowledge didn't really matter now and maybe the guilt that came along with it was redundant. Shana had broken things off with Paige a few weeks later. Shana hadn't cared about prom. Shana, for all she'd never actually said anything, had always seemed to know that Paige's heart, at least in part, was already Emily's. _Shana_ was the one who urged her to go to prom with Emily.

Like she'd always wanted to.

Why the validity of that fact suddenly mattered so much to Emily, Paige didn't know. Except, Paige had a horrible feeling she did know, deep down. Paige knew why it mattered to Emily. Paige knew what Emily was trying to figure out, if she hadn't already. Which she likely had. Now, well now she was probably just trying to determine how far back it went.

Emily _knew._

Emily had to know, by now, surely, that Paige's feelings for her weren't just friendship. That her eagerness Friday night wasn't just the product of lust. She had to have felt it, hadn't she? In the way Paige could barely breathe when she'd kissed her, in the way her hands had shook when she'd touched her?

"Hey."

Paige slammed her laptop shut with such haste, she feared she might've broken it. Her stomach flipped when she looked up, her eyes confirming that her ears were not, in fact, deceiving her.

 _Emily._

"Why are you sitting in the hallway?"

Emily adjusted the strap on her shoulder, Paige noting the way it strained at the weight of whatever it was Emily's bag held. Books, Paige figured. She opened her mouth to speak, the intention to do so hindered slightly, as she took in the sight of Emily before her. Emily looked exhausted and there was always something about her like that, tired, unkempt, stripped bare that always made her all the more captivating to Paige.

"Sydney skyping with Jacob?"

"Right," Paige nodded, finally remembering how to speak. "I've been banished, for the foreseeable future."

"Like she had to banish you," Emily's lip quirked up into the slightest of smirks, meeting Paige's gaze knowingly.

"Fair point," Paige shrugged, gaze dropping as she smiled softly.

Paige very rarely minded giving Sydney the privacy of their room if Jacob was intending on calling, knowing how much it meant to Sydney to speak with him, face to face, or more accurately, screen to screen.

For all they saw each other near on every weekend and for all they lived barely an hour apart, Sydney and Jacob made a habit of skyping regularly, whenever the opportunity arose. They were still very much in the infatuation stage of their relationship, something Paige would usually grumble at, were it not for the fact that Sydney and Jacob appeared to have been stuck in that stage for the past few years, if what she'd heard was anything to go by. It was sweet, what the two of them seemed to have together.

Paige had left Sydney with the intention of going to the library, but hadn't really managed to muster up the energy, nor in truth the intention, to leave the dorms. The floor outside seemed as good a spot as any.

Given that Emily was pretty much a constant in her mind, Paige hadn't actually considered the possibility of running into her, despite the fact she was, after all, sitting directly opposite Emily's door. Or maybe she _had_ considered it, subconsciously.

Paige looked up to Emily, seeing her mouth opening and closing as she clearly tried to think of what to say to continue their conversation. It was easy to see that Emily was struggling; Paige got the impression she was also wondering if it was better to just pass Paige by. Paige opened up her laptop, fixing her attention to the screen, hoping it would make that decision easier for her and eliminate the risk of suffering any awkward goodbyes.

"I saw Deb in the courtyard. She's heading out for the night," Emily began, Paige watching Emily's eyes flit towards her door. "If you want, you can…"

Emily let the question hang, gesturing toward her room as she readjusted her bag strap once more.

"Uh, sure?"

It sounded more like a question, than an answer.

Paige wasn't sure if she was questioning Emily's invitation, or questioning her own judgement, in accepting it. Paige couldn't deny the spark of excitement that had leapt up within her at the prospect of spending time with Emily, for all it was tinged with an anxious uncertainty.

Emily didn't question Paige's hesitancy, though her expression suggested she was experiencing a similar bout of uncertainty herself, as she unlocked her door.

In setting her laptop down on Emily's dresser, Paige realised it wasn't clear what Emily had intended, by inviting her inside. Were they just here to study together? To hang out? To talk? Usually, if Sydney needed their room to herself, she'd be at Emily's anyway. Studying, mostly. There wasn't anything to say tonight should be any different.

Apart from everything that had happened in the last 72 hours, that was.

Paige watched Emily, waiting to follow her lead. Emily appeared to move with little purpose; she flicked a few lamps on, dumping her book bag in the middle of the room, not even blinking when the books began spilling out of it, haphazardly.

Paige moved to sit, guessing that by loitering awkwardly in the doorway, she was only running the risk of making things awkward, or more awkward. She made for the bed, Emily's bed, before deciding that perhaps that wasn't such a good idea.

Maybe Deb's bed would be more…

"Ah, a little help?"

Paige broke from her reverie, swallowing hard as she focused her attention on Emily. Emily, whose t-shirt was hiked up, sweater stuck around her shoulders. Emily, who'd become stuck in a similar position three nights ago. Paige had untangled her then, tugged her close, hands splayed out against her smooth skin. She'd removed Emily's shirt impatiently then, before crashing their lips…

"Paige?"

Emily's muffled tone was mildly confused, prompting Paige to finally move. She gripped the hem of Emily's sweater, tugging it up and off with relative ease.

Emily offered Paige a brief smile in thanks, breaking their gaze quickly before it began to linger, Paige thankful for it. Emily tilted her head to the bed, her bed, silently urging Paige to sit. Paige obliged, albeit hesitantly.

It was then Paige realised how alone they were. How silent the room was, how thick that silence felt as it lingered between them, much like it had done yesterday, out on the practice fields. It lay heavy between them; laden with everything they needed to say, with the expectation of them to just say it, as well as Paige's reluctance to do so. It seemed fair to assume Emily felt a similar reluctance, herself.

Paige felt nervous. It seemed sudden, it's onslaught, but Paige knew it had likely been building since she'd accepted the invitation to come inside. Perhaps even from the moment Emily said _'hey'_. She couldn't really determine why; whether it was a nervousness at the prospect of trying to talk, again, or a nervousness at the prospect of trying to act like talking wasn't something they needed to do, desperately.

The soft hum of music filled her ears, Paige looking across the room to find Emily fiddling with her iPod dock. Paige was thankful for the sound. The silence, a staple of the majority of their interactions lately, stirred up an anxiety within her. It was an anxiety Paige was thankful to quell.

Paige watched Emily as she made her way across the room, a strange dip of anticipation spiking within her as she watched Emily tuck herself into the top corner of her bed, tugging her pillow towards her and hugging it tight. If Paige were to shift slightly to the left, their calves would be touching. She didn't. Paige wondered if the slight distance Emily kept between them was intentional, though she didn't mind it.

Paige had longed for Emily before. Many times. None of that compared to the yearning she felt now, now that she knew how it felt to give into that longing, that desire. For all some of the distance between them ached in her chest, the fracture Paige could feel in their friendship something akin to an open wound, the physical distance they shared currently was one Paige appreciated, one they needed.

The closer Emily was, the more she ached.

Ached in desire, ached in despair.

"Maybe we should study," Paige cleared her throat, eyes drifting to her laptop.

Paige was under no illusion that she'd get any work done alongside Emily, but a course of action, as opposed to merely sitting there staring at each other, felt sorely needed.

"I'm kind of over studying, for today."

Emily, apparently, disagreed.

"I'm kind of over _today,_ for today."

Emily's honesty surprised Paige, though there was no surprise in the reaction she felt at the words, as she watched the way Emily rubbed her face tiredly. A swell of affection, a twinge of compassion, a surging desire to make everything alright somehow.

"Did you talk to Coach Freeman?"

"She wasn't around."

Paige met Emily's gaze with a hint of skepticism.

"Honestly. I'm going to get to practice early tomorrow, see if I can catch her before Monster Moss arrives."

Paige had no reason not to believe Emily, letting the subject lie as she settled back against the wall behind her, twitching a little at the feeling of the cold drywall through her thin t-shirt. She allowed her gaze to flit to Emily once again, surprised when this time, Emily held it, Emily even offering her the smallest of smiles.

"Why were you late?"

Paige wasn't sure she really wanted to know the answer to that question, or if Emily was even prepared to give it to her, but couldn't to really stop herself from asking.

"I was…"

"Not home?" Paige asked, trying to keep the edge of disappointment, perhaps even bitterness, from seeping into her voice.

"I didn't get home until…late, last night," Emily explained, vaguely at first. Paige didn't try to prompt her to continue, Emily's hesitancy replacing Paige's curiosity with a subtly growing dread. Emily didn't need her to, forcing herself to elaborate after a beat. "I was going to do a few laps, but I couldn't get in the building, so I went to the library to study. The library was closed so I just…wandered."

"Wandered?"

"I have a lot on my mind."

"I know the feeling."

Paige didn't know why she'd voiced that particular thought, knowing full well what they were both alluding to, knowing full well that by acknowledging it they were entering dangerous territory, surely destined to descend into awkwardness and uncomfortable silence all over again.

For a moment it seemed as if Emily was about to speak, though the moment passed quickly. She merely nodded ruefully in understanding.

Paige sighed, looking around the room, not sure if she wanted to push or if she wanted to just try and enjoy the silence. It no longer felt charged, as it had done yesterday, or the day before when she was around Emily, or as it had done when she'd first entered the room. There was something strangely calming about being there, just the two of them. Together, without the fear of Sydney catching on, together, unplanned, without the weight of expectation that appeared to be plaguing them so often lately.

It was almost peaceful.

 _Almost._

"How can you be comfortable, sitting like that?"

Paige looked up at the sound of Emily's voice, suddenly aware of the creak in her neck, as if Emily's words had alerted her to it.

"I'd feel weird, sitting on Deb's bed," Paige tilted her head, taking in the bed in question, neatly made opposite her.

They never really spent a lot of time in Emily's room. The room Paige shared with Sydney was slightly larger and the three of them were good friends, unlike Emily and Deb. Deb was scarcely home and when she was, she was scarcely talkative. It was one of the reasons Emily spent so much of her time at Paige's since they'd moved in. It wasn't that Deb was horrible, or particularly unlikeable, she just didn't seem to have much interest in anything outside of her own little bubble.

"Here."

Emily scooted as she spoke, Paige's stomach flipping as she made space beside her, a mishmash of relief and deflation washing over her when she realised Emily wasn't making space for her, but merely shifting so she could grab one of the pillows behind her. Paige accepted the pillow Emily held out to her with thanks, tucking it behind her head and settling back. It made little difference to her comfort, though Paige tried not to let it show.

 _Now what?_

"Wanna watch a movie?"

It was a simple suggestion, perhaps too simple, though Paige wasn't entirely against the idea. Maybe this was what they needed. Time alone, _not_ talking. Just time together. Time to get past the awkwardness lingering between them, so that when the time came to finally talk about everything, properly, it wouldn't be hindering them.

Paige wasn't sure if it could be that simple, but that did little to stop her agreeing. Moments later she was settling back against Emily's headboard, as Emily set about setting up her laptop on top of the trunk the foot of her bed.

Paige willed herself to ignore the the predictable dip in her stomach as Emily clambered back onto the bed, alongside her, though it was little use. It surprised her. Emily could easily have set the laptop on top of Deb's bed, allowing ample space between them. She hadn't. Emily had to have known, surely, that in setting it at the foot of the bed, they'd have to be close to one another.

 _Really close._

Paige shook her head, trying to wave off any suspicion that it was in any way intentional.

Night's like this weren't uncommon, not that it currently felt that way, to Paige. Emily pressed play and just like that, they were watching a movie together, as if nothing had happened. As if there was nothing to talk about. Except, of course for the fact that something clearly _had_ happened and that there clearly _was_ something to talk about _._ After all, Friday night hadn't been all that uncommon, until it had been, until they'd started what they'd started and wound up where they were now.

Paige tried to just go with it. To enjoy, after days of fracture and disruption, some time alone with her best friend.

It was easier said than done.

Emily's movie choices usually left a lot to be desired, tonight's being no exception. Even if it had of been a good one, Paige didn't think she would've been able to really appreciate it; her mind was full of questions she wasn't sure she wanted to ask, her body taut with resistance, a resistance to just relax and enjoy the moment. It just all felt so strange to Paige.

Emily could barely hold Paige's gaze for longer than a second all day, but now she was happy lying there next to her?

Then of course, there was the small matter of Emily's proximity to her. If Paige were to shift a few millimeters to the right, their arms would be touching. If Emily tilted her head a little to the left, it would come to rest against Paige's shoulder.

Paige shifted, dangerously close to the edge of the bed, a risk worth taking, she decided. It was pitiful, how easily Emily's closeness could affect her. She didn't want Emily to notice.

To Paige's surprise and more so to her confusion, Emily seemed to follow her. After a beat, Emily's head, which had come dangerously close to resting against Paige's shoulder a few times already, was now doing just that.

Paige tensed. Emily had to know, after Friday, what she was doing to Paige, by being so close to her.

Surely, she'd realised that by now?

Paige softened as Emily shuffled closer still, though still felt infuriated by her body's reaction. Paige instinctively shuffled a little to her right, ignoring the warning bells going off in her mind and opening herself up to Emily further.

This wasn't unusual. Emily did this, sometimes. Cuddled into her. Just because the last time Emily had done so had led to them doing a damn sight more than resting against each other, didn't meant it meant anything, now.

Paige did her best to believe that, she really did. All she could really think about, though, was turning her head a little to the right and kissing Emily. Kissing Emily like she'd wanted to long before Friday, kissing her like she'd want to, long after. Paige sighed heavily at the thought. She turned her focus to her second thought; just how much she wanted to know exactly what Emily thought she was doing.

Paige seriously considered asking her.

"I saw Samara yesterday."

Any questions died in Paige's throat when Emily spoke. Paige was certain Emily could pick up on the way she visibly tensed at the mention of Samara's name, merely hoping the sinking disappointment she felt as the name registered wasn't as apparent across her features.

"Oh."

"Yeah," Emily sighed, hesitating.

Paige closed her eyes, readying herself for the blow. Of course.

 _Of course_ Emily went to Samara.

Emily hadn't invited her over by chance. She hadn't invited Paige there to study, or to watch a movie, or to try and heal the rift in their relationship. Emily wasn't so close to Paige now because she wanted to be. Emily was just trying to soften the blow.

Emily had invited her here to…

"We broke up."

Paige's eyes shot to Emily.

"Are you okay?" Paige sputtered out, tripping over the hatful of questions that popped up in her mind.

Out of the many, _many_ questions Paige found herself posed with, that seemed the safest one to ask. For all she desperately wanted to sate her curiosity with questions of how and why, her first concern was Emily. Maybe _she_ didn't like Samara, but Emily had, did, no matter how much she'd tried to play it down during their time together.

"Yeah."

Certainty wasn't a word Paige felt she could use, to describe Emily's tone.

Paige chose to keep her attention on the movie, their proximity feeling suddenly different, now, for all Paige tried to ignore the shift. Emily had done this before. Whether it be a breakup or a bad day, she wasn't opposed to seeking out comfort by Paige's side. It didn't mean anything.

Paige tried her best to focus on that, and not on the sickly, misguided hope that started to rise within her, knowing that Emily was now single.

That didn't mean anything, either.

"It was always coming."

Paige wanted to ask why now, though elected not to, worried her eagerness would be apparent in her tone and give away the fleeting hope she was presently battling at the notion it had anything to do with her.

"It's weird," Emily cleared her throat.

Paige hadn't expected Emily to elaborate and could sense, from Emily's tone, that she wasn't really sure she'd expected to do so, herself.

"What's weird?"

"Can you be sad about something and entirely okay with it, at the same time?"

"I think so."

It made an odd sort of sense to Paige. Emily sighed, tiredly, sadly and Paige allowed herself to lower her guard some, to relax her body. She shuffled toward Emily, lifting her arm and allowing her, urging her even, to get closer.

Paige ignored the way her stomach dipped as she wrapped her arm around Emily's shoulders, as well as the way her heart raced when it prompted Emily to tentatively shuffle closer, curling into Paige's side.

"Paige?"

"Yeah?"

"This is okay, right?" Emily asked, Paige again, tensing a little, as Emily acknowledged out loud the way they were presently, for lack of a better word, entwined. It was clear from her tone that Emily understood why it could be a problem for her.

"Sure."

Paige's words weren't exactly laced with a great deal of certainty, but she couldn't for the life of her bring herself to say anything that would prompt Emily to move away from her.

Paige felt Emily relax at that, her palm first hesitantly, then tentatively flattening out against Paige's stomach. Paige hoped Emily didn't feel the way her muscles fluttered beneath the touch, for all she knew it was hopeless. If she didn't feel the fluttering, she could surely hear the near-frantic beating of her heart.

Paige was torn. Torn between just going with it, maybe tugging Emily closer and enjoying the content comfort laying like that with Emily offered, or calling Emily out. As tempting as basking in ignorance was, Paige really wanted to know why, suddenly, after days of being barely able to look at one another, Emily wanted to be so close to her.

Paige was willing, _more_ than willing to offer Emily comfort. What Paige couldn't do, was shake the feeling that Emily was taking advantage of her willingness to give it. Paige hadn't yet discounted her suspicion that Emily had climbed into her bed and said the things she'd said, as well as done the things she'd done on Friday because she'd watched Samara flirting with another girl, got jealous and needed some validation. Validation she knew Paige would heartily offer.

Paige couldn't shake the suspicion that the only reason Emily was cuddled up into her now, was because Samara had broken up with her.

"Paige?"

Emily's voice rang out before Paige could move to question her, the tension she hadn't realised she was holding relaxing, mildly, when Emily's fingers gripped her t-shirt briefly as she said her name.

"Yeah?"

Paige cleared her throat, hoping Emily hadn't picked up on the way her voice wavered.

"I've been thinking," Emily paused, a surge of anxious anticipation washing over Paige. It was almost enough to make her feel faint. "About Friday."

Paige tensed, though Emily gripped her shirt once again, urging her to stay in place as Paige moved to pull away.

"Please, just let me finish, okay?" Emily all but pleaded, Paige allowing her eyes to meet Emily's gaze briefly. That was all it took to get her to settle back down.

"What about Friday?"

Emily didn't answer, Paige's brow furrowing at her hesitation, unsure where this was going. Unsure of where she wanted it to go.

"I…"

Still Emily faltered, almost as if she was forcing herself to speak.

"Look. We don't have to do this, now," Paige offered her an out, truth in her words. She could cope, with just laying together in silence for a while. She was happy, just laying together in silence for a while. Paige turned her attention back to the movie, sighing. For all she meant what she said, truly, she still couldn't really stop the twinge of disappointment washing over her as Emily relaxed, fixing her own attention back to the laptop screen.

"I wanted to kiss you."

Emily's words sounded breathless, as if she'd forced them out, as if they'd fallen from a ledge. Breathless, aptly, described Paige's reaction very to them.

"What?"

Paige, again, felt faint.

 _I wanted to kiss you._

"Because we were drunk," Paige reasoned. That had to be it.

Emily didn't answer her, or refute her reasoning. Paige chanced a glance to Emily again, finding Emily's gaze fixed to her hand, meekly fiddling with the fabric of her t-shirt. Emily's expression was much like it had been earlier that day, when Paige had held her hand. Questioning and strangely forlorn. Emily opened her mouth to speak, once, twice, a few times, though whatever she was trying to say seemed to die in her throat before she could speak the words aloud.

Paige opened her own mouth to speak, though to say what, she didn't know. She didn't know what to think. For all Emily's words were…at least marginally encouraging, she wasn't entirely sure where they were coming from, or what Emily was saying, what she even wanted Emily to be saying.

Paige considered shifting then, creating some space between them. Their proximity, the setting, suddenly it all felt too intimate, given what they were presently discussing. Before she had the chance to move, however, Paige felt the subtlest of movements against her shoulder.

Emily was shaking her head.

 _No._ _Not because we were drunk._

Paige didn't want to give in to her hope, untrusting of it, all too familiar with the crushing disappointment that far too often accompanied it.

Still, Paige couldn't quite help _but_ hope. Was Emily was saying, without words, what Paige wanted her to be saying?

 _Because I wanted to._

 _Because I wanted you._


	10. Chapter 10

_Hello again! Apologies for the gap in-between these two, adult life man, it's just too demanding sometimes. Thank you as always for all the kind words and taking the time to read this story as is tumbles along. Also, apologies for any typos/mistakes, didn't have time to proofread. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)_

* * *

 **Part Ten.**

Paige's heartbeat began to slow, no longer beating erratically against her chest, the anxiety that had swelled within Emily settling some as she listened to it. Its steady thrum was the only sound filling her ears, save for the muffled voices coming from the movie still playing, albeit abandoned, in the background. Emily wondered if Paige was actually still watching it. It wasn't a film Paige would enjoy and Emily felt guilty then, about having selected something she knew would hold so little of Paige's attention. Paige wasn't speaking, though Emily wasn't really sure she expected her to. It felt like it was still her turn, somehow.

Not that that spurred Emily into action.

It was so soothing, the steady rise and fall of Paige's chest beneath her cheek, the steady beat of her heart in her ear. The more the antsy anticipation that had filled her as she'd spoken moments earlier faded, the more Emily wished, with an alarming desperation, that she hadn't said anything.

Anything at all.

Not necessarily because she wanted to take it back. It felt oddly freeing, for all it was equally petrifying, having admitted aloud, to Paige and perhaps even herself, that she'd wanted to kiss her. Emily didn't think she wanted to take it back. Emily just wished it would be fair for her to close her eyes and allow the gentle rhythm to lull her to sleep.

It wasn't just the rhythm, the motion Emily found herself drawn into. Paige radiated a warmth beneath her and a safety Emily that felt a strange sense of longing for, for all she couldn't really determine why. Paige had showered, at some point that afternoon; Emily could smell her body wash, her shampoo. Emily felt encaptivated by the scent, ignoring the deep, fuzzy feeling it evoked and the familiarity of the sensation.

All it would take, was a little ignorance.

Paige's palm was still resting against her upper arm, fingers splayed out and ever so slightly grazing her side. If Emily could just focus on the sound, and the motion, and the smell…if she could just ignore how tense Paige seemed, how taut the muscles were beneath her own palm were where it lay against Paige's stomach, it would almost be…blissful.

Against her better judgement, Emily allowed her eyes to drift shut.

It would only be for a minute. Just one minute, Emily promised herself. A minute where she could bask in the ignorance of it all. A minute where she didn't have to open her eyes and face up to what she'd just told Paige. A minute where there was no conversation to be had, no thinking to be done. A minute where she could lie in Paige's arms, without it having to mean anything.

"Em?"

Emily's breath caught in her chest, feeling Paige's eyes on her. If the short huff of what sounded suspiciously like frustration was anything to go by, it appeared her thinly veiled attempt to feign sleep had been exposed.

Still, Emily kept her eyes closed. No, she hadn't found her ignorance. She was in no ways ignorant to the sudden shame she felt, in acknowledging what she was doing. Emily knew it was selfish of her. Selfish to savor the contact Paige offered her for a while longer than she should. Emily knew it could, _should_ be considered cowardly, cruel even, to pretend to sleep. To take the comfort Paige was allowing her, and offer nothing in return.

 _I wanted to kiss you._

The cruelness of saying that and nothing else wasn't lost on Emily. But what more could she say? She _had_ wanted to kiss Paige. Part of her always had, Emily understood that now. That didn't mean she understood what it meant, what she wanted it to mean. It terrified her, to think of what she wanted it to mean.

None of that was going to be any comfort to Paige.

Emily had left Samara's in something of a haze, unsure of how she really felt, unsure if she wanted to feel anything at all.

Emily felt a relief, of sorts, that she'd spoken to Samara, that they'd finally owned up to the fact that their relationship wasn't to be. There was regret, too; in a slightly altered universe, Emily knew they'd make a good couple. There was a sadness, that the space Samara occupied in her life, however small, was now empty, but also an optimism, that by adjusting the definitions a little, it remained Samara's to fill.

Then there was Paige.

Paige who was no longer just 'Paige'. Paige who was her best friend, but who she might also have feelings for. Who she _did_ have feelings for, beneath the surface. Feelings she didn't really understand, but ones she couldn't deny anymore. Paige, who maybe she'd always had feelings for. Paige who she might not have feelings for, in that way. Maybe it was just attraction. Maybe it was just loneliness. Maybe it was lust.

There was Paige, who could actually be in love with her, or at least in lust with her. Paige, who's heart she could unwittingly break.

 _Just act normal._

That had been Samara's sage advice as they'd talked over what had happened on Friday night, albeit fleetingly. As much as Samara reassured her, it still felt a little awkward to Emily, to be talking so openly about her potential feelings for someone else with a girl she'd broken up with seconds earlier. That aside and ignoring the sweeping simplicity of the suggestion, Samara had a point. A very straightforward point.

There didn't need to be any pressure, unless Emily, or Paige, or the two of them combined, created said pressure.

It was a kiss. A fumble. Why have a total meltdown over what it all meant? Plenty of people kiss. Plenty people of fumble.

 _Just try and act normal._

As much as she took comfort in the advice, Emily wasn't really all that confident she was doing a great job of following through.

Emily had tried. She _really_ had.

Emily didn't push Paige away at practice, when she'd tried to talk to her about Coach Moss. She'd known Paige was trying to be helpful, maybe even forcing some 'normality' herself, but the last thing Emily had wanted, after that news, was to have Paige around her. Clouding her air, reminding her of what had thrown her so off in the first place. But Emily had ignored that, in the spirit of 'acting normal'. She'd let Paige talk to her, as Paige usually would, in any similar situation. Emily resisted the urge to jerk away when Paige grabbed for her hand, because it was completely innocent. Touch was comforting. Friends comforted one another. Emily refused to shy away from the urge to pull Paige into an embrace, when she wanted nothing more than to pull Paige into an embrace. She'd elected to invite Paige into her room, as she usually would have on any given night. She sought comfort in Paige, as she usually would, after any day like today.

Emily was acting normal. But it didn't _feel_ normal, no matter how hard she tried.

Maybe it was normal to thaw a little, at the sight of your best friend becoming enraged at the thought of you being 'wronged'. But it wasn't 'normal' for your whole body to tingle, at the slightest touch of a hand.

Getting benched had left Emily numb. It should have hurt, but Emily didn't have the energy to be hurt by it. Emily hadn't had the energy for much at all. Then Paige took her hand and Emily didn't feel so numb, all of a sudden. Paige was talking to her but Emily hadn't heard a word Paige said. Her skin was on fire. All she could focus on was their hands joined together and how the simplest of touches had seemingly jolted her back to her senses. How if she just shuffled an inch or so closer to Paige and tilted her head just so…

It wasn't _normal_ to imagine…that.

Normal would be squeezing Paige's hand in appreciation, then pulling away. Normal would be _not_ noticing the way Paige's breath had hitched at the contact, when she realized their hands were entwined. Normal would be letting Paige pull away and not giving in to the urge to cling on a second longer. Normal would be _not_ needing to bury her nose into the crook of Paige's neck as they hugged one another, just to be engulfed in the scent. _Chlorine and Paige._ Normal would be watching a movie without having migrated towards her.

Normal would be sitting up and talking this out.

Emily knew she owed it to Paige. Owed her an explanation, owed her an apology, owed her anything, but the cowardly song and dance she'd led them both into, over the past 3 days.

It was with a heavy sigh Emily finally shifted, leaving the conflicted comfort laying against Paige offered, in favor of sitting up beside her. Emily didn't fail to miss the sigh of her own Paige expelled as she moved, guessing she'd finally allowed herself to relax now that Emily wasn't essentially on top of her.

The room fell silent. The movie continued to play, but it was nothing but white noise to Emily, who released a shaky breath as she drew her knees to her chest. Paige mirrored the action somewhat, her eyes flitting to Emily, curiously, expectantly.

"I haven't been myself, lately."

Paige was trying her very best not to react to that statement, Emily could tell.

Emily knew Paige thought it was an understatement. Emily didn't disagree. It was a true statement, none the less. Emily didn't do this. Usually. At least she didn't feel like she did. She knew herself, she knew this was wrong. Dancing around a subject, letting things fester, not wanting to talk things out. But she was just so…

…afraid.

 _I'm not brave, like you,_ Paige had once told her, as the two of them had sat alone in Emily's bedroom, Paige's hand in her own, shaking like her voice had as she'd uttered the words. Young and shaking and afraid of herself, looking at Emily as if she held all the answers, all because she'd been 'brave' enough to come out.

Emily didn't think she was brave. But she hadn't realized, until now, that she was this cowardly.

There had only ever really been one consistent fear in Emily's life growing up. It had been there ever since her Dad left for his first tour, when she was too young to understand what it was she was really afraid of.

Emily forever worried he wasn't coming home.

The older she got, the more real the prospect felt, more tangible, more plausible. The more real the possibility became, the more vivid the potential consequences felt. As a child she was uneasy, unsure, but unaware of why the feeling was lingering. He always came home, eventually. But the more he left, the more the fear grew. The older she became, the more she understood. He got stationed further and further away and the fear that plagued her became more and more real, more and more possible.

The call came two weeks before she was due to start her freshman year of high school. Emily could still feel her stomach going cold, even with the memory. She was in her room, sorting out her stationary. She wanted to be prepared for school. She'd ran downstairs when she'd heard the thud.

Her Dad was coming home, but Emily could tell, from the way her Mom had crumbled to the floor the second she'd hung up the receiver, that that wasn't good news.

That was the day she'd decided she wasn't interested in love anymore. How could anyone devote themselves to someone like that? How could anyone leave themselves that open, to being completely and utterly destroyed?

He wasn't dead. Emily didn't know how many times she'd repeated that to herself, over those months, willing herself to remember it, to hold faith in it. He wasn't dead.

Freshman year of high school was abruptly cancelled and Emily couldn't bring herself to care. It was a 200 mile round trip to see him in the hospital and it wasn't feasible, to Emily at least, to make that trip before or after school, or only at weekends. Emily had raged at her Mother, at the time, for not accepting the countless offers his colleagues gave them, to put them up nearby. To pay for a hotel. Pam had refused. She was staying at home, they were waiting at home, until they could bring Wayne home. The drive never got easier. It felt longer and longer, the more they travelled it. Emily hated that road.

Emily had argued with Paige for hours, when, instead of taking that very same road en route to the first stop on their jam packed road trip to college last summer, Paige had chosen to take a detour. A detour that ate into a good half-day of their trip. Emily hadn't realized, at the time, what Paige had done. Not until she'd checked the map. Paige knew Emily hated that road.

A military hospital was hardly home. Emily still found herself terrified that he'd never make it home, really home. Doctors assured them he was stable. Doctors assured them, he'd wake up. But no matter how hushed the doctors tried to keep their voices, Emily hadn't failed to overhear them telling Pam he might wake up 'changed'.

Emily kicked herself for ever buying into that, for ever worrying that he might. Wayne didn't change. Emily had never felt so in awe of him than she had done in the following months. His outlook hadn't changed. Nor had his determination, or his kindness, his understanding. Their whole world had changed, but he'd refused to lose his composure. Four of his squadron had died in the accident, four of his friends had died, but he'd refused to let their loss make him bitter.

Emily had all but begged her parents to let her homeschool. _Just for this year,_ she'd pleaded. Emily wanted to help out, in whatever way she could. Eventually, her parents caved. Emily was homeschooled in the mornings. She spent the afternoons with her Dad, sometimes helping him with his rehabilitation, sometimes just sitting with him, scared to let the slightest opportunity to be together be missed. Some nights she worked at The Grille. Barry, the owner, took pity on her early on, letting her wipe down the tables, do the dishes, whatever he could offer for whatever he could spare, knowing what had happened, knowing why she wanted so desperately to help her parents out.

Ever since that year, Emily had always felt a crushing sense of shame whenever something scared her. Nothing could ever be as terrifying as what they'd gone through that year. Nothing. But as much as Emily wished it had, the experience hadn't given her a fearlessness that could carry her through anything.

Emily was still afraid.

"We don't have to do this now," Paige spoke, breaking Emily from her reverie. Emily met her gaze and the softness of it made her want to simultaneously hug and throttle Paige all at the same time.

 _Why_ couldn't Paige just be mad at her? Why wouldn't Paige just force the issue instead of offering her an out? Paige was definitely showing signs of frustration, Emily could tell and she wished for just once, Paige wouldn't be so damn understanding.

Paige was the brave one. Emily needed Paige to be the brave one, now, to drag it out of her, whatever the hell it was that she was so desperately trying to tell her.

"It feels like we should talk."

"Then talk."

"I don't know what to say," Emily sighed heavily, looking to Paige hopelessly.

"Say whatever you're thinking."

It sounded so simple, when Paige suggested it. But it couldn't be that simple, could it?

Emily didn't know how to explain anything to Paige, without the words coming out wrong. Emily didn't feel like anything she attempted to explain, would make a pick of sense.

How do you tell a person, you feel like you're seeing them for the first time? If Emily said that to Paige, Paige would surely want an explanation. Explanations were something Emily still didn't have to offer. She knew her eyes were open, but everything she was staring at was still doused in fog. The shapes were there, but the outlines blurry. The definitions unclear. Nothing felt like the right thing to say. Nothing felt like it would lead them in the right direction.

Emily knew she could only offer more questions and questions were the last thing either of them wanted. Emily also knew silence wasn't working any more, was never working, would never work.

"Do you remember swim camp? Sophomore year."

Emily knew that probably wasn't what Paige meant, though despite her perplexion Paige nodded, eyebrow cocked curiously as she waited for Emily to continue.

Emily remembered swim camp.

For all Emily tried to convince herself she didn't have to be scared of anything else, ever, after the year she'd just gone through, the idea of sophomore year terrified her. The thought of _finally_ starting high school, a year after everyone else had, panicked her.

Everyone else was a year ahead. Maybe not academically, but Emily wasn't really sure her homeschooling would compare with what the rest of her classmates would have received, actually attending Rosewood High. More importantly, everyone would already be settled. Everyone would already have friends. Everyone would already have their place.

Everyone but Emily, the new girl.

It was touch and go, at that point, with regards to whether her Father would ever return to the job he'd once had, within the upper ranks of the US army. Emily knew her best bet for college at that point was a scholarship and with academia not exactly her strong suit, sports seemed like her best bet. Her Mom had suggested she apply for the school's summer swim program. Swimming felt like a good fit and, in Pam's view, it offered Emily the perfect opportunity to make friends before the school year began.

Emily had been on the verge of tears, come the end of the first day. All of the girls knew each other, more or less. All of the girls talked about shows and songs and boys and Emily knew nothing about almost all of them. Emily was behind, it seemed, in everything. Everything but her swimming. But excelling at that just seemed to cast her out even more.

Paige McCullers was simultaneously almost nothing and almost exactly as she remembered, from passing and in church as children. There was harshness to her, but one Emily knew, even back then, was a façade. She always knew that there was a softness underneath, somehow, even at first glance. She saw something in Paige that she saw in herself, for all she couldn't pinpoint what it was, exactly.

The Paige she remembered from church as a child was quiet, equally as guarded, but twice as sweet, somehow. Unassuming. There was still that part of Paige there, despite the hard edges, as they swam side by side that summer. Paige just didn't appear willing to let it show.

Paige remembered her, but didn't seem to like her, that much. Emily had never really felt threatened by that, or saddened by it, like she had when she found herself on the periphery of the other girls in their group. Paige didn't care if Emily loved the 'right' bands or liked the 'right' boys.

Paige's coldness to her was…different.

All Paige's distance seemed to do was make the urge to get to know her more prominent, within Emily. Emily hadn't understood her feelings at the time. She didn't know _why_ she wanted to be so close to Paige, near-constantly. At the time, she put down to latching on to the only familiar thing around her, Paige McCullers. Paige, who'd never spoke more than 3 words to her at church, but had always offered her a smile. Paige, who complimented her times on that first day of summer. Paige, who'd remembered, somehow, that Emily loved the water, had done since she was little, taking trips to the lake with her Dad.

It was Paige, that made her go back for the second day.

None of that explained why she found herself uncomfortably, borderline obsessing over every last detail of Paige's existence.

It was a crush. Emily knew that now. The same sort of crush she'd had on Alison, that very same year. The sort of crush she'd never had, on Ben, when she'd felt like she was supposed to.

"I was _this_ close to going home crying that first day and never going back," Emily continued, gesturing awkwardly before folding her hands into her lap.

"Why?"

"I thought the girls hated me."

"They probably did," Paige huffed out a laugh, her lips tugging up into the briefest of smirks. "You _did_ blow them out of the water."

"That's what you said, as we were leaving," Emily smiled, looking down at her hands. "That's why I came back, the next day."

Paige wasn't pressing her to elaborate any further, Emily knew that, though Paige's eyes held a question, as she caught them fleetingly.

 _Where are you going with this?_

It wasn't a question Paige was urging her to answer, but Emily answered it, all the same.

"I didn't know it, at the time."

"Didn't know what?"

Emily looked down, almost laughing at how ridiculous the thought of continuing felt to her, but needing to just say it. It made little sense, to stop now. Damage control wasn't really an option, Emily didn't think. And if she could just say it, it would be real. Paige would know, if she didn't already know, and it would be one less thing to have to think about.

"I had the _biggest_ crush on you back then, Paige."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Paige sounded mildly annoyed, gone the breathless surprise that had initially laced those very words when she'd uttered them earlier on that night, replaced with an almost exasperation.

It felt redundant, all of a sudden, now Emily had spoken the words aloud. Paige must have known at the time. If she didn't, it hardly mattered now, did it? Emily felt confident Paige didn't give a damn how many crushes Emily had on her in high school. All Paige wanted to know, was why Emily had kissed her Friday night. Why Emily had wanted to kiss her and why Emily wanted Paige to _know_ she'd wanted her to kiss her.

"I don't know," Emily answered truthfully, puffing out a mildly frustrated breath of her own. She wished she could formulate some cohesion to her thoughts, or some purpose to her words.

It felt impossible.

Impossible, but Emily knew she couldn't keep deflecting. That she had to at least try and explain to Paige, maybe even to herself, what she was thinking.

"I guess, I'm just…" Emily paused, releasing a shaky breath, reminding herself she had to try. "I'm just realizing that kissing you on Friday…maybe it wasn't as out of nowhere as I thought."

"Oh."

Paige mouth hung open, as if she was readying herself to speak again, though the words never came.

"Yeah."

"Right."

"So you're…"

"Can I ask you a question?"

Emily knew it probably wasn't fair of her, to interject, to deflect, to _ask,_ given that she'd dodged so many of Paige's own questions already, but couldn't really help herself.

Paige's hesitation was easy to see, but she nodded, regardless.

"Why did you kiss me, after the pep rally that year?"

Paige's expression shifted from surprise, to confusion, then from panic to what looked suspiciously like annoyance.

"Because I wanted to."

There was the faintest bite of mockery to Paige's words, though for all they caused Emily to bristle, she accepted it was a mockery she probably deserved.

"Sorry," Emily let her head fall back against the wall, puffing out a sigh. "I shouldn't have asked that."

"I had a crush on you too. At swim camp."

Paige's tone had softened, her eyes drifting away, the faintest flush of a blush creeping up her neck. Emily felt a rush, a validation she didn't quite understand as Paige spoke, all underpinned by an out of place sense of unease.

"After swim camp."

Paige stretched her legs out in front of her, Emily drawing her legs back further to avoid them. It didn't feel right somehow, to be touching anymore. The tip of her foot grazed Paige's calf and despite her apprehension, Emily couldn't bring herself to pull away, or push forward.

"I didn't know it, not until...well, until we were in the car that night."

Paige cleared her throat, looking to Emily hesitantly, as if gauging whether or not she wanted her to continue. Emily was fairly certain her expression was one of borderline pleading, no matter how much she wished it wouldn't be. After a moment's hesitation Paige seemed to take pity on her, looking away as she continued.

"When you asked me if I really thought you were beautiful, your smile…it was like, by telling you that, I'd…given you the whole world or something," Paige scoffed at herself, the faintest tint of a blush coating her cheeks. Emily knew Paige thought she sounded ridiculous.

Emily didn't think Paige sounded ridiculous at all.

When she'd climbed into her Mom's car that night, she'd burst into tears. She'd gone to the rally with Ben and had spent the whole night feeling like a fraud. Then Alison had humiliated her completely in front of everyone and had maybe even broke her heart a little in the process. To top it all off, there she found herself, in front of Paige McCullers, who she'd only just managed to get close to after a year of trying so hard to, ugly crying. It was embarrassment after embarrassment after embarrassment. But Paige hadn't made fun of her.

Paige had told her she was beautiful.

"I knew your Mom was coming any second and I knew I wouldn't get another chance and I…" Paige's sigh was heavy, hopeless. "I just _had_ to kiss you."

Emily's heart swelled, almost painfully. The air left her lungs and she almost fell into a panic. It was overwhelming, the sudden emotion washing over her, so overwhelming, she was scared she would forget how to breathe.

Embarrassment was easily to see, etched in Paige's features as she looked away, closing her eyes, as if annoyed with herself for having spoken. Emily desperately wanted to say something. To tell her not to be. To tell her she'd wanted to kiss her that night, too. She hadn't known it until it had happened, but she _had._

"Paige…"

"Your turn."

Paige killed off any words forming in Emily's throat, her tone part challenge, part fear. It was clear to see in Paige's eyes, that Emily's own had snapped to meet, the second she'd spoken, that Paige wasn't intending to back down. It was as if Paige was daring her.

 _Tell me you 'don't know' again._

"I…"

Emily swallowed. Paige's stare persisted.

 _Tell me the truth._

What was the truth?

"I…"

"Don't know?"

Once again Emily couldn't really begrudge Paige the frustration, though the tone in which Paige had spoken to her still irked her all the same.

"I just wanted to, okay?" Emily shrugged, exasperatedly. "We were there and I just _wanted_ to kiss you. To…"

… _be_ _with you, like that._

 _Even once._

"Was it just because you were drunk?"

"No."

"Was it because of Samara?"

" _Paige,_ no."

"If it was, you can tell me, okay, I'm not…"

"God…it wasn't about Samara!" Emily interjected, her words bubbling up in a fluster. "It was never about Samara! I kissed you because I wanted to kiss _you_. I kissed you because I just couldn't stop thinking about why I'd…"

"Why you'd what?"

"Why I'd never done that, before."

 _Why I hadn't done it, sooner._

Emily could practically see the cogs turning in Paige's mind, as she tried to make sense of what Emily was saying, or more accurately, not saying. Her jaw hung open in what Emily hoped was surprise, Emily herself frozen by the confession, unsure of where to go from here.

Paige shifted as the silence lingered, swinging her legs from the bed, palms resting against her thighs. It looked like she was about to stand, Emily's stomach sinking unpleasantly at the sight.

"Do you understand the things you're saying…how it sounds?" Paige asked, looking to Emily, her palms flexing against the bedsheet beneath her, a telltale sign of her frustration.

"I don't know what I'm saying," Emily admitted hopelessly, scooting to the edge of the bed, mirroring Paige's position. "Or I know what I'm saying…just not why I'm saying it."

"Yet you're still saying it."

Emily frowned, though she couldn't really bring herself to feel perturbed by Paige's mildly annoyed, mildly deflated tone.

"It just…feels like the right thing to do. Talk through it," Emily admitted, scooting to the edge of the bed, mirroring Paige's position.

"Sure. Though I'm not really sure we're getting any further forward," Paige almost huffed, slumping forward. "Or do you think we are?"

"I…"

"Please, don't say you don't know again," Paige urged her.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't need you to be sorry," Paige rasped softly. "I just need you to be honest."

Paige turned to her fully, releasing a heavy sigh. The shake of her head showed her own uncertainty, her frustration, but still the familiar softness, Emily had come to associate with Paige.

"Do you regret it?"

Emily felt another wave of anxiousness wash over her as Paige asked the question. She knew the answer. But if she said no, would Paige think by that, she meant she wanted to do it again? If she said no, _did_ she want to do it again?

"No."

Emily's words were hesitant, but true. She wasn't quite sure what she was admitting, but there was no doubt in her mind that she meant what she was saying.

Emily regretted what it had done to them, but Emily didn't want to take it back.

"Do you?"

"No," Paige shook her head, her answer instantaneous, though her gaze fell away. "I don't know what that means, though."

"Neither do I," Emily agreed, an odd sort of calmness washing over her.

At least, in part, they were on the same page.

"Do you…"

Paige seemed to hesitate, shifting a little, eyes flitting to Emily, then quickly away. Emily simply watched, brow furrowing as Paige shook her head slightly, as if questioning whatever it was she was about to say.

"Would you want to do it again?"

Emily's jaw fell slack, surprised Paige had summoned the gall to ask that question outright, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to formulate a response.

"I…"

"Right," Paige waved her hand, screwing her eyes shut. "Sorry, shouldn't have asked that."

"Paige…"

"Forget I said anything."

"But, Paige…"

"It meant something to me," Paige appeared to all but push the words out, hesitantly and impatiently, all at once, killing off Emily's own before they could leave her throat.

"Paige."

"And I think you know that."

The weight in Paige's words made Emily light-headed, her balance feeling off, suddenly.

 _I think you know that._

It was spoken with a certainty similar to the one Aria had exuded, when she'd balked at the notion of Emily being unable see how much Paige was in 'love' with her. It greeted Emily with a similar sense of disbelief now, followed by panic, then the creeping realization.

Was Emily just kidding herself, in denying what everyone else, apparently, could plainly see?

"What did it mean to you?"

Paige swallowed, eyes flitting to Emily once more. Emily's throat felt dry, all of a sudden, her mind woozy, unsure if she really wanted an answer to that question. Unsure of what answer she wanted, if Paige was willing to give it to her.

"What did it mean to _you?"_

Emily wasn't entirely surprised Paige decided to throw the question back at her. Paige, after all, was the one answering the questions presently. Emily knew, statistically, it was her turn to cough up some answers.

A task far easier said than done.

 _What did it mean to her?_

Mostly, at the thought of that night, Emily felt a longing. A longing that she hadn't been so drunk, so stupid. That if she really, truly wanted to give in to her curiosity about Paige, she'd done so soberly. Sober, so she could remember it. Sober, to have potentially avoided all this. To have understood what it meant beforehand, instead of trying and failing to piece that together now.

"It meant something to me too."

Emily's voice quivered as she spoke. It was easy to see Paige's distrust of the admission as her eyes flit to Emily, Paige's gaze falling away with a shake of her head.

"It did."

"But you don't know what it meant to you."

Emily opened her mouth, though her words quickly waned. She didn't. She'd established she'd, at least at one point, had feelings for Paige. She'd established that maybe those feelings were still lingering, now. _Were_ lingering now, Emily forced herself to admit.

She _did_ have feelings for Paige. Feelings that surpassed friendship. She _always_ had done.

Maybe she knew that. But Emily didn't know _why_ they'd resurfaced so suddenly. Why she'd acted upon them so recklessly. What she wanted for them, from this point on.

"I only know I don't want to lose you."

Emily knew, by exploring the possibility that Friday's brief tryst had meant something more, that that could be the price they paid. The fear rose within her again, gripping her tight, constricting her chest. Nothing was worth that.

Nothing was worth losing Paige.

Paige met her gaze, the softness, the understanding within her expression constricting Emily's heart in an entirely different way. It was easy to see there, unequivocally, what Paige's response to that was.

 _You won't._

Paige opened her mouth as much to say it, Emily feeling a swell of anticipation, as she waited for the reassurance she'd only just realised she needed. Emily deflated, when Paige sighed instead.

"I know what it meant to me," Paige cleared her throat, a sad resignation laced within her words. "I know you probably know what it meant to me, too."

"Paige…"

"Please, just, let me finish?" Paige almost pleaded, pushing herself up from the bed and walking across the room, shoulders rising and falling in one swoop as she released a heavy breath.

"Okay."

"I had a crush on you, at swim camp. After," Paige swallowed, hands coming up to cover her face, for all she was facing away from Emily. "And after that. After the kiss, right through high school. It wasn't just a crush. I had feelings for you. I…a part of me always has."

"Paige…"

"I know you don't know what it meant to you," Paige turned to face Emily. "And that's okay, Em. Really."

Emily wasn't entirely convinced Paige meant that.

"Maybe we were just…drunk and made a mistake. Maybe it was something more. There's a lot of questions. I know you don't have the answers. I don't either. Like I said, I know what it meant to me. That doesn't mean I know where to go from here."

Paige sighed, sinking down onto Deb's bed.

"I also know what _you_ mean to me. So if that's what this was, just some mistake…that's fine. You're my best friend Emily…that's what's important. I don't want us to mess that up."

"Neither do I," Emily croaked, her voice suddenly thicker than it had been, moments ago.

"But..."

Paige paused, swallowed, and with that, Emily's heart lurched.

 _When had anything good, come from a but?_

"I can't do this. I can't have you acting normal one second, then cuddling up to me the next. I can't have you telling me you wanted to kiss me, but not telling me what the hell you mean by that. I can't have you bringing up four-year-old crushes and not explaining the relevance of any of it. I can't."

"I know," Emily nodded, frowning. "I'm sorry."

Paige simply nodded, inhaling deeply.

"I think maybe space wasn't such a bad idea."

Emily's fingers gripped the comforter tightly, willing herself to listenand understand what it was Paige was trying to say to her. To accept that Paige was probably right.

It wasn't fair of her, to use Paige as a sounding board as she worked through her feelings about what they'd done, through her feelings for Paige herself. It wasn't fair of her to offer Paige nothing but unfinished reasoning as she struggled to piece together what it all meant. To tell Paige yes, I wanted you, I might still want you, but no, I'm not sure I can handle exploring that. I'm not sure I can handle more.

 _I'm not sure I'm brave enough, for more._

Paige was the brave one.

"I agree."

It wasn't until Paige began gathering her things, until the awkward small talk they tried and failed to cultivate died down, that the panic began to rise within Emily again. A sick, stark panic that got the irrational part of her, the same irrational part of her that had gotten them into this sorry mess in the first place, drumming up the urge to beg Paige to reconsider.

Emily didn't beg.

"I'll see you at practice."

It felt to Emily like the air had been kicked from her, as the door clicked shut. Again Emily felt the urge to run after Paige, to beg, but again, what she could only hope was common sense and not cowardice, prevailed.

It wasn't fair, to tug at Paige, when she still had so much to figure out. When they both had so much to figure out. When Paige obviously felt _something_ for her. Something maybe she'd always felt, if Aria really was telling the truth.

Something she _had_ always felt. Paige had just admitted as much.

And god, could Emily see it now. In the way Paige had always looked at her, in the unwavering patience she so willingly offered her, in the small gestures, in the subtle touches. The gifts, the warmth, the affection.

It wasn't fair, Emily knew, to play with Paige's emotions. It wasn't fair, to agree to space and rip it away, all because she was afraid to be alone.

Yes, Emily had established she had feelings for Paige. But she still didn't know what to do with that information. Did she act upon them and risk losing everything they had?

Another thought kicked the wind from Emily, as she heard Paige's door open and close faintly, across the hallway.

What if she already had?


	11. Chapter 11

_As always, I apologize for the big gap in between updates. Thankfully, things are finally settling down a lot more lately, and I've been able to get back to working on this story (as well as Flux too, for those of you that read that). I really do appreciate your patience, along with all the kind words and lovely reviews on the previous chapters. Apologies if I didn't manage to reply personally this time round, I've been very eager to just get this up before the holidays. As always thank you for reading. I'm a little nervous about this one, I hope you enjoy it :)_

* * *

 **Part Eleven.**

It wasn't planned, coming out to Emily.

At least, Paige wasn't aware it was something she'd intended to do. Not until she'd gone through with it, anyway. At the time, it had felt accidental, a confession she'd been helpless to stop, an eruption of everything she was feeling, everything she was afraid of feeling, everything she was trying her best not to feel. Looking back now, it felt as if everything, perhaps that week, but more likely that month, that year, or even infinitely, had led to that moment, culminating in her spilling her soul out to Emily, as they sat alongside each other on Emily's window seat.

At the time, for all the relief, Paige had mostly felt mortified. Mortified because once she'd surfaced from the sob-induced haze the weight of her honesty had plunged her into, she'd become keenly aware of the make-up (her make-up) smeared across Emily's shoulder, marring her skin. Smudges that had found their way there as Paige had sobbed into it, the overwhelming release her honestly had afforded her seeping out of her, by way of the worst kind of tears.

Guttural, snot-infused sobs.

Paige still cringed at the memory, no matter how much the mortification had faded over the years, replaced with everything else, everything positive that single moment had given her. It was insignificant now, how she'd looked, or how much snot she'd imparted onto Emily's shirt.

It had certainly felt significant, at the time.

Emily had complimented her appearance as she'd led Paige upstairs to her bedroom. Paige had explained that she'd come straight from her date that night. That's why she looked so 'nice', as Emily had put it. Paige did look nice because she'd been on a date that night. A nice date, with Sean, the nice captain of the basketball team, who'd taken her to a fairly nice restaurant in his pretty nice car. The night _was_ nice, overall. But the longer it lasted, the more Paige had known it was a sham. The effort she'd taken to get ready was a sham.

Had she known, somehow, where she was going to end up come the night's end?

Paige wasn't sure. All she knew was that she _had_ looked nice, until her mascara had run like train tracks down her cheeks. Until she'd noticed the ladder in her tights when her gaze had fallen to her lap, too afraid to look up and face Emily's judgement (a judgement that never came). Nice until all kinds of tears and smears had managed to find their way onto the skin of Emily's shoulder and the corner of Emily's shirt.

Emily hadn't noticed. Or she'd been too polite to let on that she'd noticed. Emily's focus had remained on Paige and Paige distinctly remembered feeling as if she was supposed to feel uneasy, somehow, under all that scrutiny. She hadn't. It wasn't scrutiny, after all. It was concern, it was compassion, it was calm. A calm Emily had desperately wanted to impart onto the storm that night, the storm that was Paige McCullers.

Emily used the corner of her night shirt, the same corner already stained with Paige's make-up and tears, to dab at Paige's eyes. Then she'd cupped her cheek. Then she'd smiled at her, smiled at her with a smile that had made Paige's heart swell so damn much she felt like it was about to combust.

 _Is there something else you want to tell me?_ She'd asked, as Paige's stare had lingered. Paige's voice had all but stopped working at that point, not that it mattered. There wasn't anything else Paige had wanted to tell Emily.

Paige had wanted to kiss her.

Why hadn't she just kissed her, in that very moment?

Paige knew the answer was cowardice. Looking back now, cowardice in that moment made little sense. She'd admitted it, hadn't she? The thing that was going to bring her whole world crumbling to the ground? What harm could it have done, to have just kissed Emily as she'd ached to in that moment?

 _Why didn't I just kiss her?_

Cowardice, for sure. That, along with the sound of Pam Fields closing the bathroom door abruptly across the hall, jolting them apart and scaring them both to hell.

Paige puffed out a breath, sighing.

The sheet she'd cocooned herself in was beginning to feel something akin to a shroud. The heat within the room rose steadily, rose within the cocoon itself, Paige merely hoping said heat would help her pass out. Her mind, consistently of late, appeared to have no intention of letting her sleep. Paige puffed out a breath, wriggling her head free from the sheets.

 _I wanted to kiss you._

Paige had replayed Emily's admission for what felt like the better part of the night, trying her best to work out exactly how many times she'd shared that sentiment.

Countless times. She'd wanted to kiss Emily _countless times_. There was no way on earth she'd ever manage to come up with a ballpark figure. Some occasions were more memorable than others; when Paige thought back to the night she'd came out, she could practically still _feel_ the way the air had lingered between them, the way she'd felt suspended in time, on the cusp of just closing the distance and falling into a kiss. Some had felt more desperate than others. Some came from nowhere, plucked from nothing, surfacing and fading before the thought ever had a chance to take hold.

It felt fitting that, in keeping with the past 3 nights, Paige was being robbed of a good night's sleep because she was plagued with questions. Tonight's, at least, felt simpler than the nights previous. Tonight, Paige was troubled by exactly two questions; out of the infinite amount of moments she could have caved in and kissed Emily before, why hadn't she? And, following that; out of the infinite amount of moments Paige could have so easily admitted how she felt about Emily before, why hadn't she?

Perhaps there were more pressing questions Paige could be pondering, but she didn't have the energy to care.

When Paige had returned to her room that evening, in some ways, she'd felt the strangest sense of relief. A relief Paige wasn't sure she should be feeling, given her frustrations, but one that was there, all the same. It merely felt refreshing to not be plagued with the ' _why did it happens'_ or ' _what did it means'._

She'd found much of their earlier conversation, along with Emily's indecision and uncertainty, maddening. Borderline infuriating. She couldn't focus on the things Emily was trying to say to her because of the sheer exasperating way in which she'd said them. It clouded Paige's thoughts whenever she tried to run through their conversations in her mind. But Paige knew she could hardly blame Emily entirely for how their conversations had transpired up to now; Paige was implicit in how they'd played out as much as Emily was. And it wasn't that she didn't understand why Emily's explanations were so haphazard or why all her rationalizations seemed to start somewhere but pitter out before they ever reached the crux of it. It _was_ frustrating, for all she understood it. But whilst the silent rage that acknowledgement compelled within her still simmered, Paige managed to appreciate the fact that Emily had been as honest as she could be with her, at that point. She was doing her best to find some comfort in that.

Paige knew the relief she felt currently had little to do with what Emily had admitted to her, but what she herself had managed to admit to Emily.

 _Say it out loud and you won't have to worry about it anymore._

It was a concept Paige knew well, knew personally, yet one that hadn't fully occurred to her, not until she climbed into bed that night. Paige had all but admitted she had feelings for Emily. At least, it felt like she had. Emily had to know now, hadn't she? Paige had basically said it to her face. Paige had suffered through the urge to vomit with sheer despair for at least an hour or so after returning to her own room and confronting that possibility, but now, lying there in the silence, she was engulfed by the relief that knowledge afforded her.

Emily knew.

Emily knew and Paige didn't have to worry about it anymore. She didn't have to worry that Emily would catch her eyes one day and just know, somehow, what she was thinking, or feeling in that moment. It didn't matter, now, if someone else caught her staring at Emily Fields and figured out her big secret.

Emily pretty much knew her big secret.

Maybe Paige hadn't said it outright. Maybe there hadn't been any declarations of love or outpourings of undying affection, but Paige couldn't help but feel that if Emily hadn't figured out by now exactly how she felt about her, Emily would never figure it out at all.

It was late now. Paige was tired and she didn't have the time nor the energy to worry about that. No, instead Paige found herself wondering why she hadn't done it sooner. Out of the endless opportunities she'd happened upon over their time together, why hadn't she just told Emily how she felt sooner?

The night she came out felt like the obvious choice. Not only had Paige cracked herself open, but the moment, still so vivid in her mind, seemed like the perfect opportunity. Emily would have kissed her back, if Paige had of leant in. The conviction in which she believed that sentiment surprised Paige, but she couldn't help but feel that there was something about the look in Emily's eyes, when she'd asked her if there was anything else.

Emily would have kissed her back; Paige was sure of it.

And surely, after everything she'd admitted, admitting her feelings for Emily specifically couldn't have done her much more harm. Though, she supposed it was easy to say that now. Would it have been the right moment, _really?_ Paige was vulnerable that night, more vulnerable than she'd ever been. Wouldn't Emily have felt like she was taking advantage, somehow? Wouldn't Emily have felt like Paige was just using her to sooth her pain, to blot out her fears?

Prom sprang to mind next. Paige could have totally told Emily at prom. They'd slow danced, at prom, for Christ sake. It was all so romantic. She'd never expected it to actually feel that way, but it had. She'd held Emily close, drew shapes with her fingertips across the small of her back as they'd swayed gently. She'd ached to be closer. It hadn't seemed possible to physically _be_ any closer. Paige could remember the sensation of Emily's arms wrapped around her shoulders, the smell of her perfume, still feel Emily's breath against her neck. All it would have taken was a tilt of the head, and she'd have been able to kiss her. Would Emily have kissed her back? Why the hell hadn't Paige kissed her then? Kissed her, and told her the truth.

 _Because you were with Shana, you absolute walnut._

Paige sighed.

Paige's thoughts flit to the night of their very first kiss, in the back of Mrs Fields' car, as well as the weeks that had followed. For weeks upon weeks after that kiss, all Emily had wanted to do was to talk to Paige. To talk about the kiss.

 _Why did you kiss me? Why won't you talk to me? What did it mean?_

Paige had pushed Emily away. What if she hadn't? What if she'd just talked to her. What if she'd admitted that she'd kissed Emily because she'd desperately wanted to, that she _had_ meant it, that it scared her, that she didn't know what it meant but she did know she didn't want to forget it?

Paige knew she was far more conflicted back then. It was easy, looking back from where she was now, to berate herself for not being bolder. It wasn't fair to do so. She'd known what she was feeling, but she hadn't known who she was. She hadn't known, fully, what Emily meant to her back then, for all the raw emotion overtook her, for all she was powerless to do anything but feel the weight of those feelings as they consumed her. Paige knew she had to go through the pain the following year or so brought her, to truly understand and become who she was now. It would've been too soon, Paige felt certain of that.

Despite that certainty, it occurred to Paige now that in not acting upon her feelings, in not answering Emily's or even her own questions at the time, or at any point after, she'd merely trapped herself in a loop. An endless spiral, a merry-go-round of moments. Moments where she found herself wanting nothing more than to kiss Emily Fields, but lacking the guts to do so. Moments where she was paralyzed by doubts, doubts that rendered her incapable of doing anything, thus dooming her to remain in the same loop, facing the same situation, over and over again.

Sleeping beside Emily at sleepovers. Sharing a room with Emily at away meets. Sitting beside Emily on bus journeys home. Holding Emily after she'd been dumped. Being held by Emily after _she'd_ been dumped. Car rides, concerts, movie nights, meets, walks, parties.

Had there actually been any point where she hadn't wanted to kiss Emily?

Paige let out a groan. In hindsight, perhaps she wasn't as relieved as she thought.

" _Dude,"_ Sydney's voice was groggy, as it broke through the silence in the room. "I can literally _hear_ you brooding over there."

"Sorry."

Paige wasn't quite used to sharing a room just yet, for all they were already midway through the year. It was something she'd done rarely, before college. Sleepovers, mostly, made up the entirety of her room-sharing experience and the sleepovers she'd attended rarely included a great deal of actual sleep. Paige felt like she was faring well enough with the whole 'shared space' element of things; her side of the room was in no way spotless, but she was sticking to her zone, ensuring not to infringe upon Sydney's. It was things like this that Paige wasn't so great at. Remembering that she wasn't alone. Remembering not to talk to herself. Remembering that Sydney was a light sleeper.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Go back to sleep."

"I'm wide awake now," Sydney let out a heavy yawn, one than contradicted that statement. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

Paige rolled onto her side, the disbelieving look she could just about make out greeting her through the darkness not one that surprised her. Paige sighed, knowing she wasn't going to succeed in shrugging Sydney off.

"I have a paper due Thursday; I'm getting nowhere with it. Plus, Arizona State is next week…"

"Oh, _sure."_

Sydney, apparently, wasn't convinced.

"You can't lie for shit, Paige."

"I'm not lying."

Paige wasn't lying. Not entirely, at least. Paige really did have a paper due in three days' time. She really did only have a word count of 7 whole words so far, half of which consisted of her name and the date. She really wanted a spot on the relay for the meet with Arizona State and she needed to vastly improve upon her form today if there was to be any hope of that happening.

"Fine, I surrender."

Paige cocked an eyebrow and waited.

 _One, two…_

"Alright, I'm going to say _one_ thing and then I'll stop, I swear."

 _There we go._

"Fine," Paige sighed, aware she was fighting a losing battle as Sydney clicked on her lamp, propping herself up with her pillow.

"I'm your friend, right?"

"That's not a statement. That's a question."

"Stop deflecting."

"Yes."

"And what do friends do?"

"Let each other sleep?"

"Talk to each other," Sydney sighed, shooting Paige a pointed look before clicking off the lamp, apparently giving up. "Look, I don't want to push. I just…you've been a little off, all weekend? And I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm here, if you need to talk."

"Thanks," Paige softened. "I'm sorry. I've just been out of it, the past few days."

"Are you okay?"

Paige faltered at the question. She didn't know what she was, presently.

"I will be."

"Alright," Sydney let out another yawn, Paige hearing a rustling sound as Syd readjusted the sheets surrounding her. "I mean it, I won't push. But you can talk to me, if you need to. It seems like you do."

"Thanks Syd."

Paige felt a fleeting relief as she heard Sydney roll over, though as the room fell silent once more, she found herself feeling oddly deflated. Like she'd passed up on an opportunity she'd actually wanted to take.

The idea of talking to someone about what had transpired over the last few days, someone other than Emily, was certainly an inviting concept. The two of them thus far had done nothing but complicate and confuse matters further by trying to talk it out amongst themselves. That was why, as much as Paige still found herself fighting the urge to run across the hall and take it all back, asking for space felt like the right thing to do.

Despite how inviting the concept was, Paige couldn't help but wonder how good of an idea it would be to talk to Sydney about it. Sydney was her friend as much as Sydney was Emily's friend. Paige didn't want talking about what was happening between them to impact upon their dynamic as a trio, or Sydney's friendship with Emily separately. She'd have to tell Sydney not to mention it to Emily, wouldn't she? And what kind of position is that to put a friend in? Paige didn't want to push Sydney into the middle of whatever was going to go on between them, from this point on, all for the sake of having someone to vent to.

Still, Paige found herself tempted. Having an impartial, or at least relatively impartial ear, might be just what she needed to help her figure out where to go from here. Or to at least get things off her chest enough to get a few hours' sleep.

Paige felt a strange pang then, a thought occurring to her. Paige knew Emily. Paige knew how Emily worked. Where she herself, admittedly sometimes to her detriment, often opted to work through things alone, inwardly, Paige knew that wasn't Emily's style. Sure, Emily did her fair share of deflecting, avoiding, but she was never one to pass up the opportunity to talk things through, if someone offered up their ear. And whist she'd technically talked to Paige, if that's what they could call it, Paige suddenly had a strong feeling Emily had probably already jumped at the chance to talk it through with someone else, too. But who?

 _Hanna._

Hanna felt like the most likely candidate, though the more Paige considered the probability, the less confident she became in her deductions. Hanna was a great sounding board and whilst Paige knew Emily would naturally seek out her advice, especially in a situation like this, Paige wasn't so sure that on this occasion Hanna had any idea about their… dalliance, last Friday night. Hanna was as loyal as a dog and wouldn't break Emily's confidentiality, per say, but if given the chance to play peacemaker, or even matchmaker (for two of her closest friends no less), Paige wasn't sure Hanna would be able to resist the temptation to meddle. If Hanna knew, if Emily had spoken to her, then Paige would have probably heard from Hanna herself by now.

Paige ruled Spencer out quickly. It wasn't that Emily wouldn't turn to Spencer for advice. Paige just got the impression that Spencer would be a little more…constructive, in any 'advice' she chose to give. Spencer would have told Emily to shut it down. Or she'd have called Paige and told her to shut it down. If Emily had gone to Spencer, she wouldn't have spent half of their recent conversations dodging explanations, or bringing up the past.

That left Aria and Paige kicked herself instantly, realizing that it had to be Aria that Emily had gone to.

 _Prom._

 _Of course_ it was Aria.

Aria had never actually confronted Paige about it, but throughout high school, she'd been the main source of Paige's Emily-induced paranoia. She'd often shoot Paige looks whenever she caught Paige glancing in Emily's direction; looks Paige assured herself were not 'knowing' looks, but looks that so obviously _had_ to be knowing looks. She'd level stern glances at Paige whenever Paige was with Shana, but looking at Emily a little too longingly. Paige had spent more time than she cared to admit trying to convince herself that Aria _hadn't_ picked up on just how enthusiastic she'd become at the prospect of taking Emily to prom, despite how obvious it was that she had. It all made sense. Especially the prom talk.

Emily had spoken to Aria about it. About them.

"Emily and I are having space."

Paige didn't give herself time to think about it, pushing the words out impulsively.

"We're having space because we kissed, Friday night."

Paige paused, feeling a rush of hesitance washing over her, before mustering up the courage to continue.

"More than kissed."

Paige faltered, torn between leaving it at that or elaborating further. The urge to continue won out, Paige unable to help herself now she'd started, feeling the urgency to get it all out now, before Sydney had the chance to interrupt her.

"We need space while we figure out where to go from here. I told her it's okay to forget it, if that's what she wants. That we can forget it."

Paige faltered, her eyes falling closed once again.

"I don't know if I can forget it. I don't know if I can be okay with forgetting it because…"

Paige faltered once more.

"Because I…"

Paige's words trailed off, the thud of the blood pounding in her ears deafening as the anxiety of what she'd just admitted washed over her. The uncertainty of dragging Sydney into everything returned, her stomach fluttering uncomfortably as the silence in the room lingered.

"Syd?"

Paige lifted her head from the pillow, squinting through the darkness, her shoulders slumping as she realized Sydney had already fallen back to sleep. Paige flopped back onto the pillow, closing her eyes with a sigh, unsure if she was relieved or disappointed.

There was some comfort to having vented, albeit very little, for all it appeared to be to nothing but the darkness. Paige rolled onto her back, once again willing sleep to come, puffing out another breath as she accepted that that desire was near enough hopeless. She tilted her head to left, watching the steady rise and fall of the mound that made up Sydney's body beneath the sheets, feeling a pang of jealousy that she'd managed to drift off so quickly, with such ease.

After a moments indecision, Paige shuffled out of bed. She knew it was pointless, merely lying there, torturing herself thinking, torturing herself trying not to think. That, along with the fact she didn't want to risk waking Sydney again, led to her fumbling her way across the dark room, tugging on what she hoped were her sweats, followed by her sneakers. She grabbed her phone, then her keys, wincing a little as they jangled, though a glance back to Sydney confirmed she hadn't been disturbed. Paige opened their door slowly, mindful of the creak, then the click as she pulled it gently shut behind her.

Paige winced again, the loud ding of her phone ringing out through the empty hallway as she tried to lock the door quietly. Paige pulled the phone from her pocket hastily, eager to silence it before it had the chance to chime again, though her hesitance quickly returned at the sight of Emily's name flashing up on the screen.

Paige's heart simultaneously leapt and dropped at the same time; an uncomfortable sensation. The question ' _what does she want?'_ came to her with both petulance and excitement, hesitation and eagerness, all at once.

"I wondered if you had a minute."

 _"Jesus!"_

Paige jolted back at the sound of Emily's voice, startled. She turned from the door to find Emily standing outside of her own, a familiarly hopeful if not hesitant look etched onto her features.

"Sorry."

Paige merely shook her head as she tried to catch her breath, her gaze flitting from Emily, to her keys, to the phone in her hand. Sure enough, the message _'got a minute?'_ flashed up as she looked down at the screen. Paige puffed out a breath, tugging her keys from the lock as she tried and failed to gather herself, the promise of a quiet walk through the campus grounds to settled herself shattered, all thanks to Emily's unexpected interruption.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Yeah."

Paige rubbed the back of her neck absently, meeting Emily's gaze fleetingly, before shaking her head.

"No. I don't know."

"Do you? Uh, have a minute?"

Paige's face tugged into a frown, her mouth opening to answer, before screwing shut. A kindling of rage stirred up within her, though for whatever reason, Paige couldn't muster the energy to allow it to fully take hold. Part of her wanted to tell Emily to just get lost, to berate her for even asking; for asking so soon after she'd appeared to accept and understand Paige's request and need for space.

"Sure."

Paige sagged, the fight falling from her quickly. The general exhaustion she felt, coupled with Emily's expression, along with a familiarly dangerous pang of hope, compelling her to give in.

"Deb's home. Or else we could've..." Emily allowed the sentence to trail off, motioning behind her.

"Syd's asleep."

Paige watched Emily closely as she nodded, frowning further at the sheer uncertainty Emily seemed to be exuding. Paige sighed. She wasn't sure if she could face another one of their exasperating conversations tonight; she'd wanted to take a walk to find some peace, not to become riled up further, a real risk if they were to continue, given their form lately. Paige's eyes were drawn to the way Emily's fingers fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweater, the way her eyes glanced mindlessly down the hall, then cautiously at Paige.

It was vexing, though part of Paige couldn't help but pity it.

Paige tilted her head towards the end of the hallway, motioning for Emily to follow her, but not waiting for her to agree. Paige had a feeling if she did, they'd stand there, staring at each other in front of their respective doorways for the rest of eternity before either ever made a move.

Campus was expectedly quiet once outside, given the time of night, save for a small group making their way across the quad, on their way home from a night of late studying, or a night of late drinking, along with the odd couple doing the same. Paige shoved her hands into her pockets, her pace brisk as she walked straight ahead, not entirely sure where she was going, not entirely sure she wanted to stop, all too aware of Emily's similarly hurried steps behind her as she tried to catch up.

"Here'll do."

Paige turned as Emily spoke, realizing she had already peeled off midway across the square. Her gaze found Emily settling down onto one of the many stone benches scattered across the quadrant, another wave of hesitation hitting Paige, before she eventually forced herself to backtrack.

"Wait."

Paige met Emily's gaze questioningly as she moved to sit down, confused by the sudden reluctance.

"Can you…would you mind facing the other way?"

Paige merely stared at Emily, perplexed.

"I don't think I can say what I want to say with you looking right at me."

Emily's explanation only served to confuse Paige further, though she complied anyway. Her stomach sank a little as she took a seat, facing the opposite direction obligingly. Given the odd request, whatever Emily 'needed a minute for' hardly bode well for Paige.

"You understand the concept of space, right?"

The question bubbled up within Paige angrily, a product of her anxiety and uncertainty, Paige screwing her eyes shut tiredly the second she allowed the question to fall from her lips. Snapping at Emily wasn't going to make things any easier.

"Yeah. I…look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"Don't be," Paige shook her head, rubbing her hand across her face with a sigh. "I'm just tired. What is it you wanted to tell me?"

Paige glanced toward Emily. Emily nodded again, though apparently only to herself; it was as if she was psyching herself up, Paige's stomach turning a little more at the gesture, her gaze falling to her shoes. Dread pitted in her stomach, something about Emily's sudden desire to talk to her, coupled with Emily's sudden desire for Paige to face away from her, eliciting an unease within her.

Apparently, it'd taken Emily all of 5 hours to decide that she needed to let Paige down gently. Apparently, she couldn't face looking at Paige to do it.

" _Emily,"_ Paige sighed out, her anxious impatience once again getting the better of her.

"I heard what you said, earlier."

Emily's fingers gripped the edge of the bench, her body rocking forward slightly, her foot tapping impatiently, as if she was willing herself to speak. Paige couldn't help but glance over to her, despite Emily's request she do otherwise.

"And, I wanted to apologize. I know how unfair I've been since…" Paige heard Emily sigh. "I should have taken more time, before I asked you to talk. Earlier…well, I tried to just act normal at first, but that didn't really work."

Paige cocked an eyebrow, nodding in agreement. That was something of an understatement.

"I wanted to be honest with you. But now I realize…I've probably just muddled things up even more than they already were. I know I've been dancing around the subject and for that I'm sorry. Really."

"I think we're both a little guilty of that," Paige conceded.

"I'm sorry I got us into this…whole mess."

"I think it's probably fairer to say we're more or less both at fault."

"Maybe," Emily nodded slightly, biting her lip. "Don't take this the wrong way…"

Paige sagged forward at that. Since when did anything good ever come from that?

"…Just, could you…not talk? I have things I want to… _need_ to just say to you and if you talk I feel like I'll lose my nerve."

Paige nodded, eyes flitting to Emily once again, her curiosity battling with the caution that accompanied her impending sense of doom, though neither won out. The amalgamation of everything Paige was feeling was starting to make her feel nauseous and aside from running away before Emily got the chance to say anything more, Paige knew all she could really do at this point was endure.

What had Emily been doing, since Paige left her sitting, reeling from her request for space? Paige had no idea. It appeared she'd been unable to sleep, an affliction Paige herself had suffered from. Apparently, she'd been thinking, too, Paige guts once again a little uneasy at the thought. Had she been torturing herself with questions the way Paige had? And if so, what sort of questions had Emily been asking? More importantly, what sort of answers had she found? Especially given that those answers had compelled her to seek out Paige at near enough midnight.

"Okay," Emily puffed out a breath, as if to collect herself.

"Anytime," Paige muttered, once again shaking her head at the edge to her tone, her anxiety stirring up another bout of irritable impatience.

"I'm not brave, like you."

"What? Emily…"

"You said you wouldn't talk."

Paige began to protest, before relenting, her own hands gripping the edge of the bench tightly in a meek attempt to quell the strong urge to interject.

What the hell was Emily talking about?

 _I'm not brave, like you._

It was near enough exactly what she'd said to Emily, what felt like a lifetime ago now, overdressed and cheeks streaked with tears, the night she came out. It was true, at the time. Back then Emily was the brave one and it was seeing that bravery, in part, that had given Paige the courage and the push she needed to finally own up to who she was.

Emily _was_ brave.

What the hell was she talking about?

"I'm not," Emily sighed. "I'm scared. I'm scared of just about everything."

"Everything?" Paige asked, skeptically. "Like what?"

Emily shot Paige a pointed look. Paige turned her gaze back ahead, making a zipping motion across her lips.

"Everything."

The words fell from Emily's lips almost silently.

"I'm scared I'll screw up college, that I'll lose my scholarship. I'm worried about running out of money, having to go home, getting stuck working some dead-end job. I'm scared of being alone. I'm terrified something…that something will happen to my Dad. Again."

Paige gripped the bench with a renewed vigor, desperate to suppress the urge to reach out to Emily as her voice wavered with that particular admission. Paige was well aware of every ounce of fear laced within those words, her heart breaking at the sincerity within them.

Emily swallowed.

"I'm scared of you."

The admission was so soft; Paige almost didn't hear it.

" _Me?"_

Paige looked to Emily, brow furrowing as Emily simply looked away.

"I'm scared of what I feel for you," Emily clarified, clearing her throat.

Blood thudded in Paige's ears, the rush of hope that merged with her confusion making her feel suddenly lightheaded.

"Emily…"

"You said you wouldn't talk."

"What are you trying to say?"

Paige asked the question anyway, desperate for Emily to cut to the chase. Emily let her gaze fall, Paige turning to her more fully, her gaze imploring Emily to continue whatever it was she was trying to start. The silence surrounding them was suffocating, the anticipation Paige felt welling up within her marred by the apprehension her impatience evoked.

Paige stood as the silence drew on, shaking her head as she willed herself to calm down. She couldn't. She paced forward, torn between waiting for Emily to continue and just walking away. Wasn't this exactly what she asked Emily not to do? Barely hours earlier, she'd begged her to stop opening up to her one minute before trailing off the next. Paige didn't want to do this again. It was getting exhausting, listening to Emily…

"I have feelings for you."

Paige stopped in her tracks, turning to face Emily as she spoke. It did little to help her gauge anything, given that Emily was still facing away from her, Paige's eyes finding the back of her head. Again, the silence rung out around them, until eventually, Emily turned.

"Will you please sit back down?"

Silently Paige obliged, taking a seat beside Emily once more, sticking to their previous agreement and facing the other way. She couldn't help but fix her gaze on Emily expectantly, regardless, her body thrumming with nervous anticipation.

"What ki…" Paige sighed, scuffing her foot apprehensively across the gravel as she tried to figure out what it was she was trying to ask. "What…"

"I always thought it was just because we've known each other so long, you know."

Emily began to elaborate, albeit hesitantly. She started to pick at an invisible thread on her jeans. Paige tucked her own hands underneath her thighs, fighting off the urge to reach out and still Emily's fingers, the visible sign of Emily's nerves doing nothing to quell her own.

"Whenever I'd pick up on how…different, I felt, about being your friend, compared to the others, I always put it down to how much we have in common. Like…you know how hard we've had to work to swim at this level. You knew how hard it was to hide who you were, for so long, stuff like that you know? Things I don't share with anyone else."

Paige nodded. She understood. She'd used those very same reasons, whenever she'd attempted to explain away her deeper affection for Emily. _You don't like her like that,_ she'd implore herself, knowing it was hopeless to deny it, knowing it was a lie.

Paige's breath caught in her throat.

Had Emily been doing the same? Was that what Emily was saying right now?

"I was thinking about it, when you left earlier," Emily bit her lip, closing her eyes as Paige's gaze fell to her once more. "How wrong I've been."

"Wrong?"

Paige felt faint again. She wasn't sure if she was actually breathing, at this point. It felt _so_ surreal. Paige didn't know exactly what Emily was trying to tell her but it sounded so much like what she'd wanted so desperately to hear from her, for so damn long, that the hope it conjured up within her felt like it could kill her.

"I've had feelings for you for so long," Emily shook her head, almost hopelessly. "I've just been so…so used to not acknowledging them for what they were, that I've become ignorant to them."

Paige puffed out a breath of relief or disbelief, she couldn't be sure.

"I've managed to bury them, _so_ deep," Emily let out a shaky breath, one that reminded Paige to breathe. "But they're there. They've always been there."

"Em…"

"I'm terrified, of what I feel for you, Paige," Emily admitted. "I'm terrified that I'm wrong, somehow. That I'm wrong and that I'll lose what we have because of it."

For the first time since they'd left the dorms, Emily turned to meet her gaze fully. Paige's heart broke a little, at the hopelessness she found there.

"What if I'm wrong?"

The words fell from Emily's mouth a whisper, Paige not sure if Emily actually meant to voice that particular fear. Paige's instant reaction was to shake her head.

 _How can you be wrong?_

She could see the questions there, etched on Emily's face. It took a considerable effort to push past her own anxieties, to ignore the parts of her mind trying to explain away Emily's admissions. The ones trying to put it down to desperation or loneliness, anxiety or anything else. Paige desperately strained to silence the voice in her mind telling her that this couldn't be real, that Emily couldn't feel the same way she felt.

Stand up, her mind told her. Move away. Talk some sense into her.

How many times had Paige done that before? How many times had she talked herself out of believing that Emily could reciprocate her feelings?

Paige moved closer.

The shake of her hand settled some, when instead of flinching away from her touch, Emily seemed to melt into it as she cupped her cheek gently. Emily's skin was cold against Paige's palm. Paige could feel the way Emily's muscles moved in her throat as she swallowed.

 _Why would you be wrong?_

Paige opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Paige swallowed.

 _What now?_

Part of her wanted to ask a million questions. It was another part of her that Paige forced away. She was so tired of questions. How many questions had they asked of one another, over the course of the past few days? How many questions had they asked of themselves? Where was any of it getting them?

Paige could see Emily's mind ticking over. She sensed, somehow, that Emily was second guessing herself. Questioning if she'd done the right thing. Questioning if she meant what she was saying. Wondering if she was wrong.

A swell of desperation rose within Paige, at the sight.

Paige was sick of questions. Sick of them keeping her awake. Sick of the uncertainty that accompanied them, trapping them in this endless spiral of uncertainties and unsaid words.

There were no more questions in Paige's mind, as she shuffled closer.

Paige's mind was made up.

For all she'd leant in somewhat impulsively, the kiss, when their lips finally met, was soft, tentative. Questioning and testing. Much like the other night, Paige supposed, except this time she was fully aware of what was happening. It was real. A decision she'd made consciously, soberly, a kiss she'd remember, untainted by the alcohol-induced haze that had plagued her memories, over the past few days.

Paige began to waver when Emily's lips remained relatively still against her own. The urge to second-guess herself came strong, though Paige's desire to ignore it was stronger. She was done second guessing herself. She pressed a little firmer, asking her silent question once more, Paige certain her heart had all but stopped altogether at that point, as she waited eagerly for some sort of response.

 _Any_ response.

Just as Paige was about to pull away, defeated, Emily finally stirred to life. Her lips began to move against Paige's slowly, cautiously. Every pass made Paige's skin flush, her body burning. Emily twisted toward her with a moan when Paige's tongue met her own, Paige's hand against the small of her back urging Emily closer. Paige's senses faded and surged all at once as she felt Emily's hand grip the back of her neck, deepening the kiss further.

Both panted as the kiss broke, though Paige recaptured Emily's lips eagerly before either had the chance to fully take a breath. Before Emily had the chance to speak, before either could allow any questions to form.

Paige was tired of questions. As she pulled back, the need for oxygen eventually too strong, she had for Emily, only one.

 _How can this be wrong?_


	12. Chapter 12

_Hello! First off, thank you as always for the all the wonderful kind words on the last chapter, and for just taking the time to read. I really can't express enough how much I value all your feedback and how glad I am you've stuck around after this became more than a two-shot. This chapter was meant to have a whole lot more going on, then all of a sudden it was near enough 10,000 words long and completely different to what I'd planned out. I do hope you enjoy how it turned out. Until next time :)_

 _p.s – to the guest reviewer asking about Ao3, for the moment I'm sticking here, but possibly after they're both finished I'll get around to uploading them over there._

* * *

 **Part Twelve.**

Paige McCullers was kissing her.

With an alarming desperation, Paige was kissing her. Emily came back to herself for just about long enough to acknowledge that fact. Though, a part of her didn't feel 'alarming' was the right word. After everything she'd just admitted to Paige, after everything she'd just admitted to herself, Emily wondered if describing just how dizzy the sensation of Paige's lips against her own made her as 'alarming' made any sort of sense. It felt terrifying, definitely, but in the most exhilarating way. Alarm, Emily realised, was nowhere near the mark. It wasn't alarm she was feeling.

It was excitement.

Giddy, anxious, blood-rushing excitement. One that left her mind muddled, but not in the maddening way it had been over the past few days. One moment Emily's mind was wonderfully, deliciously silent, the next it was racing, making it near impossible to focus on any one thing.

Emily couldn't bring herself to care.

With every pass of Paige's lips against her own, with every caress, every soft whimper, Emily's mind fogged over. (Accurately) alarming, was just how eager Emily found herself wanting to just lose herself in the thick of it. Her desperation began to rival Paige's own, surging within her, compelling her to shut off her mind completely and act solely on impulse. Impulse that had her hand fisting into the front of Paige's jacket, urging her closer. Pleading with her not to stop.

Stopping meant thinking and Emily felt like she'd done enough of that, for one day.

Despite that desire, there was still an annoying niggle at the back of Emily's mind, one gently reminding her that thinking was probably the most sensible course of action, right now. Not thinking, acting on her impulses, it's how they'd wound up so torn apart in the first place. Maybe it was just the sensation of Paige's tongue slipping into her mouth, eliciting a moan from her throat, willing her to ignore her thoughts, but Emily couldn't help but think, or hope, that that wasn't going to be the outcome this time.

There would be plenty of time for thinking later. Thinking about what was happening. What it meant, what would come next, what Emily _wanted_ next. Even thinking about the awkward angle at which they sat and the twinge of discomfort that came, consequence of it; a pain that would likely linger long after they left. All Emily could really be sure of in that moment was that thinking was for later. Even if she wanted to, no matter how hard she tried, Emily's thoughts flowed thick and fast; too thick, too fast for any of them to fully take hold.

One thing Emily could focus on clearly, was touch. The touch of Paige's thumb, to be exact, resting just beneath the curve of her jawbone, stroking the skin there softly, absently. Drawing her in. It was a simple enough movement, a barely there touch, but one that evoked a fire within Emily all the same. It spread the entire length of her body, all consuming, prickling her skin and fuzzing her brain. Then there was the feeling of Paige's fingers, entwined with her own, their joined hands resting against her thigh.

When had that happened?

Paige hummed, Emily's entire body humming with the sound, the noise reverberating right to her core. It dipped and rose within her so quickly it made her body pulse with…something. With _want,_ Emily's stomach flipped at the acknowledgement. It all felt so…insane. But at the same time, _insanely_ good. Paige was kissing her so tenderly yet so fiercely, so languidly yet so desperately, the conflicting sensations jarring against one another only serving to make Emily's head spin.

It was terrifying. Totally terrifying. But no matter how hard doubt tried to force its way to the forefront of Emily's mind, all she really wanted to focus on was just how _right_ it felt.

Perhaps it wasn't really happening. Perhaps Emily had managed to fall asleep after all and this was all just a dream. One where she was brave enough to tell Paige McCullers she had feelings for her, one where Paige McCullers was brave enough to kiss her in response. Emily sucked in a breath as they parted, crashing her lips into Paige's once again before either had the chance to falter.

Maybe it felt like a dream, but Emily knew it was real. She really _had_ told Paige she was terrified of her feelings for her. Paige really _had_ decided the best response to that, was simply to kiss her senseless.

Emily knew she was fighting a losing battle. The more she zoned in on the fact that this was real, that it was actually happening, the more reality slowly began to seep in. Still, Emily fought hard to remain lost. Lost in the sensation of Paige's lips against her own, of Paige's hands against her, cautious and wanting.

This was the last thing Emily had expected to happen, when they'd left the dorms earlier that night.

Emily couldn't be sure how long she'd sat, numbed and frozen by the sound of Paige's door clicking shut across the hallway. Longer than she cared to admit, of that she was certain. Dread had risen within her at the sound. Something about it had felt so final, somehow, for all it wasn't a slam, for all she had barely heard the click. The threat of space had hung over Emily, heavy, her fear rendering her hopeless. Frustratingly so.

Paige was gone.

The ridiculousness of that statement hadn't been lost on her. Emily had known that Paige wasn't 'gone'. Paige was across the hall. All Emily needed to do was get up and cross the short distance between their rooms and they'd be standing in front of one another. Talking everything out, healing the rift between them before it even had chance to fully take root.

Emily hadn't crossed the short distance between their rooms. It just hadn't felt that simple, somehow.

Emily wasn't sure why. All she was really sure of was that the prospect of talking to Paige again, talking themselves into a dead end again, would surely drive her insane. Emily replayed their last conversation over and over again in her mind, trying to make sense of it. What the hell had she been trying to tell Paige? That didn't seem to matter, once Emily acknowledged what Paige had managed to tell her.

Paige had feelings for her.

Emily hadn't given in to the urge to rubbish the thought. It wasn't a thought, after all. It was a fact. Paige had feelings for her. Emily couldn't come to any other conclusion. Paige had pretty much admitted it, right to her face. Emily had kicked herself instantly, for having never accepted it before. And she knew accepted was the right word. Emily had felt it instantly, the second Paige had spoken.

 _'I know you probably know what it meant to me, too.'_

It had felt like a kick to the gut. She'd known then, what Paige was trying to say. Was it possible to know something, without ever actually being aware of it? Emily wasn't sure. Regardless, consciously or not, deep down Emily knew Paige's feelings were something she'd always been aware of. Replaying countless moments they'd shared, Emily found it impossible not to see them all in a different light completely. In each of them, it was obvious just what Paige felt for her.

' _You really don't know?'_

Emily had all but scoffed when Aria had suggested the possibility of it to her, mere days ago. Paige didn't have feelings for her, she'd assured herself. They were just close. Maybe there was the odd flirtation, sure, or fleeting moments of 'admiration', but Emily, at the time, just couldn't come to accept that Paige had feelings for her like that. She couldn't accept Paige had feelings for her, because in those moments, the moments she'd since replayed sat there in the silence of her bedroom, it was just as obvious to Emily that she had feelings for Paige, too.

Emily had always had feelings for Paige. Maybe she'd acknowledged that fact, as she'd babbled out her confusion to Samara the previous day. And maybe she'd unwittingly acted upon those feelings on Friday night; her booze-addled brain urging her to give in to them, consequentially landing them in this mess they'd landed in, in the first place. But Emily hadn't come to accept it. Not until she was sat there, alone, stunned and numbed by the simple sound of Paige's door clicking shut across the hall.

It was so obvious to her then, that Emily wanted to scream.

That was why she always crawled into Paige's bed, when she felt too lonely to be in her own. That was why Paige's simply felt better, always, especially when Paige was in it. It was obvious in the security she felt, whenever Paige pulled her into an embrace, no matter how fleeting it was. It was there in the way her heart skipped whenever Paige said something offhandedly sweet to her, or reminded her that she wasn't alone. It was there in the irrational dislike she'd had for Shana, and truthfully just about any girl that had ever shown a flicker of interest in Paige.

Emily was jealous of them. Jealous of Shana. Even jealous of poor, 'pitiful' Stacy Shepper.

The crush she'd had on Paige during their tenth-grade swim camp was nothing in comparison to the wealth of feelings Emily had had for her, ever since. Feelings she'd been blind to. Either willingly or obliviously and Emily found it maddening that she couldn't figure out which was the case.

By the time Deborah had returned, asking when Emily was thinking of going to bed (code for 'hurry up I want to turn the lights off'), Emily was near enough bereft. Laying there in the darkness, envious of her roommate's ability to fall asleep so damn easily, all Emily could think about was Paige. How disastrous it would be to lose her. How lost she'd be, without her. Just how much Paige had shaped her life. How much she'd messed up.

How much she…

Emily couldn't quite bring herself to finish the thought.

What if she'd lost Paige? All because she'd gotten selfish. Greedy even, in her drunken state and with that split decision, plus every decision she'd made following it, she'd already ruined what they had. What they shared. Ruined what they could share, before they'd even had the chance to explore it.

A wave of guilt had washed over Emily, an uncomfortable guilt, one tinged with the mildest hint of shame. Emily felt guilty because she knew the 'greed' she found herself acknowledging wasn't solely confined to her actions on Friday night. Perhaps she'd never consciously picked up on Paige's feelings for her, but that didn't appear to have stopped her from taking advantage of them, even subconsciously.

Was that why she'd been so happy flitting from relationship to relationship over the years? Because she'd known Paige would always be there, giving her everything else she needed?

That thought only served to make Emily angry. Angry, because she knew at least part of that was true. And angry, because Paige had summoned up the guts to just come out and tell her how she felt, whilst she herself had lacked the same guts, to tell Paige what it was she was feeling. Or even to be honest about how afraid she was, to just admit what she was feeling. That only served to make Emily feel worse, because she knew Paige would have understood it without question. Emily wasn't sure why she couldn't bring herself to do it. To just say it.

 _I'm not brave like you._

Emily scoffed. How Paige thought she was brave, Emily didn't know. Though she imagined Paige probably wasn't quite so certain of that, any more.

Paige had often alluded to the fact that she'd only mustered the courage to come out because Emily had found the courage to do it first. That had always perplexed Emily because, for all she'd taken that particular step first, she wasn't sure she'd have ever found the courage to do it, if it hadn't of been for Paige's own particular bravery, the night of their first kiss.

As she'd lay there, tossing and turning and doing her best to ignore Deb's passive aggressive huffing whenever her sheets so much as rustled, Emily for the life of her couldn't remember if she'd ever told Paige that the only reason she'd been brave enough to come out, was because Paige had been brave enough to kiss her.

The weeks, possibly months leading up to that first kiss had been formative, to say the least. Popular hadn't ever been something Emily had aspired to be in high school, nor had she particularly cared to be, either. Somehow, though, she'd wound up in that crowd and whilst she'd never been able to feel fully comfortable in a group so often the center of attention, Emily didn't really mind, considering it a small price to pay for the rich friendships she'd gained as a result.

When she'd left the safety of her home school bubble she'd never imagined that she'd wind up with friends as close or as solid as the ones she'd found herself surrounded by in high school.

Despite the comfort and security they offered, the more the year drew on, the more Emily became afraid of any minor scrutiny they may have thrown her way. As understanding as she knew they were, Emily found it harder and harder to be herself around her friends. Every action started to feel as if it needed to be measured, somehow. Every decision, every response, every answer.

Emily was unravelling and she had no idea why.

Emily had never been under any illusion that her decision to get closer to Ben Coogan, or to subsequently attend the end of season pep rally with him, had anything do with attraction. Emily had never understood the buzz that seemed to surround him, nor the jealousy that came her way, once people realized she was the one he'd turned his attentions to.

It wasn't for want of trying. Emily had _really_ tried to understand the other girl's attraction. To feel it. Ben was funny enough, though in a mildly distasteful, sort of crude kind of way. His Dad had served a few tours overseas, something they had in common, and Ben was a swimmer too. Emily knew that if she could just force herself to like him, her problems would go away. But no matter how much Emily managed to talk him up in her mind, she just couldn't find the spark she desperately needed.

Emily had the sinking feeling that the reason she wasn't at all attracted to Ben wasn't just because he was sort of a dick, but also very much because he was a guy. Not that she'd been in any way ready to accept what that probably meant. Then, there was Alison. Alison wanted Ben and Emily sure as hell didn't want to cross her. Most troublesome of all; Emily wanted Alison all to herself.

By the time the school year had started, Emily had found herself desperate to be around Alison, in pretty much the same way she'd been desperate to be around Paige during swim camp earlier that year. Except, it was different with Alison. Where Paige had endlessly brushed her off and pushed her away, Alison had welcomed the attention. Alison had encouraged the attention, something which only served to intensify Emily's desire to be around her.

That was why she was unravelling.

Ignoring her feelings had been easy enough, until, without warning, it wasn't so easy anymore. Alison had picked up on it and Emily knew she needed to do something fast. Something to throw her off the scent.

For some reason, Ben Coogan and his eager attraction towards her seemed to be presenting the perfect solution, but at the same time, he also posed an even bigger problem.

Emily had known, instantly, how disappointed and annoyed Alison was when she'd discovered that Ben liked her. Alison hadn't said it outright, or even let it show as such, but it had. It showed in the snarky comments she leveled Emily's way, snarky comments she'd had for everyone else but Emily, up until that point. She'd allude to a part of Emily that Emily didn't completely understand yet, all too knowingly, and regardless of Emily not fully understanding it, she understood the discomfort that came along with the insinuation, all the same.

Why she'd turned to Paige McCullers for help, Emily didn't know.

Their relationship had improved throughout the year; Paige had warmed up to her and they were almost friends, sort of. Something lingered between them, something that always drew them closer but ultimately kept them apart. Emily, at the time, was suspicious of Paige's motives; she suspected Paige had only started to be nice to her because her parents had told her she had to. They were trying their best to help Emily's parents out as her Dad tried to get back on his feet and Emily figured it made sense for them to have urged Paige to give Emily a similar support, given how often they practiced together. Whether that was the case or not, she'd come to enjoy Paige's company, especially as she was no longer desperately vying for it and for all it was usually fleeting.

Paige's reaction had surprised her. She'd been quietly supportive of Emily's eventual decision not to go to the pep rally with Ben after all, up until the point she mentioned Alison. Once she'd revealed _Alison_ was the reason she was so reluctant to say yes, Paige's demeanour had changed. Emily had worried Paige had worked something out; something she wouldn't yet give a word to, but something she knew, deep down, was there.

Paige had urged Emily to just say yes and Emily had found herself struck by another strange sensation; an anger, or disappointment, or both, all thanks to Paige's dogged insistence. Sure, Emily mostly didn't want to go with Ben because she didn't want to hurt Alison, but she was also quite looking forward to spending some time with Paige away from the pool and somewhere other than the back of one of their parent's cars. Emily hadn't really understood why, the more she'd hesitated, the more Paige had insisted. Emily, strangely, couldn't help but feel rebuffed, somehow.

The pep rally itself wasn't something Emily cared much to relive. Ben and his friends were jackassses, something Emily knew shouldn't have surprised her as much as it did. The more the night went on, the more handsy Ben became and subsequently, the more uncomfortable she felt. Every now and then Emily would glance across, her eyes finding Paige and Spencer sitting on the bleachers, looking bored out of their skulls, or bickering intermittently, with Aria rolling her eyes behind them. Emily had wished she was over there with them, or that they were at least with her, rolling their eyes at the rabble she was with, instead of each other. Alison was there, though she was little comfort to Emily, preening under the attention of half the swim team, Ben included, Emily sick with jealousy.

It had all ended in tears, of course. The worst kind of tears. She'd turned abruptly once the wolf whistles had started, embarrassed and heartbroken and confused as she hurried away from the group, Ben and Alison the center of the cheers. She'd hated that she couldn't just run home right there and then. That her Mom would have to see her in such a state and worst of all, that Paige had decided to leave with her. Emily could still remember the feel of Paige's gaze on her as she'd sat a few paces behind, waiting for Emily's Mom to pick them up.

When they'd got in the car, Paige was practically tripping over herself, in the most awkwardly endearing way, trying to cheer her up. That was the Paige Emily hated, but even then, the Paige she'd adored all the same. It angered her, that Paige could be so soft towards her, so open one moment, when so often she'd spend the rest of the time they shared treating her with nothing but cold indifference. Paige's sincerity had angered her, but the second she felt Paige's palm, warm and clammy against her thigh, she'd begun to thaw. Then Paige McCullers was telling her she was beautiful and suddenly the night, Ben, Alison and her tears; none of it seemed so important anymore.

The kiss hadn't been spectacular. The second their lips connected, that didn't matter. The second their lips connected, everything snapped into place. Months and years of confusion suddenly made sense to Emily. Why she'd pushed Ben away so forcefully, when he'd tried to kiss her. Why she always felt such a yearning, whenever Alison would linger close. Where the sparks came from, whenever their hands brushed. None of those sparks had come close to the fireworks going off in her mind, with each pass of Paige's lips against her own.

Then there was Paige, herself. Emily had understood, then, why she'd always felt such a pull towards her. Why she'd always ignored Paige's indifference toward her, why she'd always felt so compelled to persevere.

Paige McCullers was like her.

Paige McCullers _liked_ her. And Paige McCullers had been brave enough to admit it, albeit fleetingly, and albeit with her actions and not her words. And maybe that illusion had all been shattered once Emily's Mom had climbed into the car, and maybe it had all been shattered when Paige refused to talk to her for months on end after. It didn't matter. That kiss was confirmation of everything she'd been feeling, everything she'd been afraid to admit. That kiss forced her to acknowledge who she was. And Paige…Paige was confirmation that she wasn't alone.

Perhaps it had just seemed like a kiss to Paige, a mistake, but to Emily it was a gift. Paige had unwittingly gifted her with the courage to finally accept herself, to accept who she knew she was, setting her on a path to eventually living that truth. It was all Emily could seem to think about, as she'd tossed and turned earlier that evening.

Paige didn't seem to realize just how brave she was.

Whilst she'd summoned up the courage to tell Paige she'd wanted to kiss her, Paige had managed to find the courage to tell Emily she'd wanted her, period. With that, Emily only found herself angry again. Angry because Paige had stood there, practically begging her to just be honest, a request she'd repaid with drips and drabs of admissions and nothing more. When had Emily ever had a reason to be afraid of telling Paige how she felt?

When had she become so afraid of going after what she wanted?

Emily wasn't sure. And Emily had remained unsure, as she tugged on her sweats, then shoved on her shoes. She'd remained unsure as she'd fired off a hopeful text, as she'd followed Paige out of their building, as she'd asked Paige to turn around so she could speak, all the while unsure about what it was she actually wanted to say.

Emily had only known for definite that she wanted, _needed_ to be honest. To pay Paige back for her own honesty, yes, but, most importantly, to be honest with herself. There were feelings there. Feelings for Paige. Deep, terrifying, immovable feelings that she needed to stop ignoring. They weren't going away anytime soon. They were there and she'd started to act upon them, without even noticing. In doing so Emily knew she'd (unwittingly) risked hurting Paige, all for the sake of sating her own curiosity. It wasn't fair. To either of them.

Much like their first kiss, Paige's decision to kiss her was one Emily hadn't expected. She hadn't given all that much thought to exactly what she was going to say to Paige once she'd managed to convince Paige to give talking another chance. She'd given even less consideration to how Paige was going to react, once she'd (eventually) managed to say what she needed to say.

Emily moaned into the kiss as she felt Paige's tongue make another pass against her own. Whatever she'd expected, a big part of Emily was glad Paige had opted not to talk anymore.

Emily couldn't deny it. It felt amazing to just give in and kiss Paige like she wanted to. And she _did_ want to. The urge to question that certainty was there, almost, but Emily forced herself to push past it, to stop doubting herself and just accept that it was a fact. She wanted this. She'd wanted this for a long time. Perhaps she'd wanted it since that very first kiss, unspectacular, yet life changing all the same. Perhaps longer, far longer than she knew she could comprehend. Especially not whilst Paige was kissing her like this; deep and slow and wanting.

Emily knew as soon as they pulled apart the doubts would creep back in. Was she doing the wrong thing, were they moving too fast, what if they ended up not moving at all? The worries would return; she'd worry she was doing something wrong and she'd worry she'd end up losing Paige because of it. Emily did her best to ignore that and take a moment to just bask in it; how _right_ it felt, how sure Paige's lips were against her own.

Emily was glad she was sober. For all it likely accentuated the anxieties slowly sneaking in, threatening to ruin the moment, for all it made it harder to ignore the inevitability that they would have to pull apart and acknowledge what was happening, it also made it easier to appreciate just how good it felt.

And _god,_ did it feel good.

Paige's eyes were glassy as she pulled back; unfocused, lips swollen and red. Swollen and red, because of her. Emily's stomach flipped. Paige leant in again almost instantly, kissing Emily desperately once more, as if she was afraid to stop. Emily was afraid to stop, too. It was comforting, knowing she wasn't alone in that.

Emily wasn't sure how it was possible to be kissed so desperately, yet so sweetly at the same time. That was just Paige she supposed, ever the over achiever, giving it her all and accomplishing the impossible. Emily smiled at the thought, feeling Paige's lips tug into a smile of her own as she picked up on it. Emily cupped Paige's cheek, keeping her close, willing her not to pull away.

Not yet.

It was clear that Paige was putting everything she had into the kiss, perhaps afraid that this was going to be her one and only chance. Perhaps she'd just really wanted Emily to stop talking. It didn't feel like that though. It felt as if Paige was trying to tell her something.

Emily pulled back before she could get lost again, searching Paige's gaze, trying to gauge what that something was. Her heart pounded in her chest, Emily unsure if she could handle Paige looking at her so…

…dazedly. It quelled Emily's anxiety some to find Paige so calm, for all she also looked slightly bewildered. It wasn't quite what she expected to find. Emily watched as a soft, awed smile worked its way onto Paige's lips. Paige's eyes were wide, somewhat hazy, her fingers shifting to brush the hair from Emily's face softly, before eventually, she turned away.

Emily found herself lost in just how perplexing Paige could be, sometimes. One moment, Paige was kissing Emily with a conviction that left her breathless, the next, Paige was looking away, too timid to hold Emily's gaze. Emily felt a tug deep in her chest, a soft smile gracing her lips. She reached out, brushing the hair behind Paige's ear slowly, the touch jolting Paige's gaze back to her once more.

Emily couldn't help but breath out a somewhat nervous laugh once Paige's eyes were on her again. Her hand remained frozen, fingers fiddling with the soft tendrils of the hair she'd swept out of the way of Paige's face, mostly to occupy them, partly out of fear of pulling away too fast and in turn fracturing the moment.

Paige quirked an eyebrow, gaze semi-stunned and very much questioning.

What now?

It was a question that had been niggling its way to the forefront of Emily's mind since they broke apart, one it was clear Paige was pondering, too.

Emily didn't know. She felt like she'd said everything she'd wanted to say to Paige. Paige had…well, Paige had said what she'd wanted to say in response, albeit with very few words and a great deal of action. Emily couldn't help but smile at the thought, shaking her head.

Emily felt Paige shift, watching as she swung her legs around, until eventually they were facing the same direction. Paige met her gaze, offering her another soft, almost sheepish smile, before looking away. Emily watched as the smile on Paige's face slowly began to fade, Paige's eyes drifting out across the quad contemplatively. The silence that surrounded them was sobering, suddenly, allowing Emily to fully acknowledge what had just happened.

"You kissed me."

It took Emily a moment to realize she'd voiced that thought aloud. Now it was said, Emily wasn't sure what she hoped to gain by pointing that out.

It was fairly obvious to both of them that Paige had kissed her.

"I did."

Emily sat up straight, pulling in a deep breath.

 _What now?_

Emily supposed they should probably talk, again, talk properly about where they went from here, though the prospect of doing so wasn't exactly an appealing one to her. She didn't want the kiss they'd shared to end up marred by yet another conversation, one that Emily knew could go either way, given their track record lately. Perhaps they'd said enough for the night. Perhaps they could just leave it at that, head back to the dorms. Though Emily doubted she'd get any sleep.

Emily looked to Paige for some guidance, surprised somewhat to find Paige was already staring at her. She offered Emily a small smile, though her stare remained questioning, curious, almost…guarded. Emily frowned.

"What are you thinking?"

It was a question she'd begun posing to Paige, though Paige beat her to it. It was a good question.

 _What was she thinking?_

"I'm thinking we should probably talk."

Paige merely nodded in response, allowing her gaze to fall away once more, leaning forward as she let out a soft sigh.

"I don't know about you, but I'm kind of tired of talking."

"You kissed me, Paige," Emily repeated herself, as if in doing so Paige would suddenly understand the necessity of having a conversation about that very fact.

Somewhat to Emily's surprise, Paige's lips merely quirked upwards at her words, the contemplative, almost dejected expression she'd worn moments earlier replaced by something more assured, something curious. Emily watched as Paige nodded to herself. It was as if she was reminding herself of something, some unknown revelation that Emily wasn't privy to, Paige's smile remaining as she met Emily's gaze once more, the reaction merely perplexing Emily further.

"You kissed me back."

Emily opened her mouth to speak, though any words died in her throat. She could hardly deny it. It was true. She had. She'd kissed Paige back and she realized then that she didn't have anything to blame it on. Not alcohol, not shock or surprise…nothing.

She'd kissed Paige back, purely because she'd wanted to.

"Yeah."

Emily bit the inside of her cheek, nodding her agreement.

"Don't you think we should still…"

"Talk about it?" Paige sighed, stuffing her hands in her pockets as she lifted her shoulders in an offhand shrug. "Maybe. Probably. But…"

"But?"

"Wouldn't it be nice if things could be simple? I kissed you, you kissed me," Paige turned to her, eyes earnest. "It felt pretty damn _good_. Right?"

Emily was nodding even before Paige turned to her for an answer, biting her lip to suppress the insuppressible smile that came consequence of the sheer certainty Paige exuded with that statement. The timbre of the word 'good' falling from Paige's lips sent a thrill coursing through Emily, the same kind of thrill she'd felt moments earlier, as Paige had kissed her.

"It was," Emily agreed, feeling her cheeks flush a little at the thought. "Pretty good."

" _Really_ good."

"Really good," Emily agreed, shaking her head, unable to smile at how resolute Paige was as she spoke, rolling her eyes at the dorky, satisfied grin that had worked its way onto Paige's lips at her agreement. "But…"

"Please don't say but," Paige cut her off, smile fading some. "Em, I know why you want to talk about it. But…look, it's like you said yourself earlier; the more we try to talk about this, the more muddled things are getting."

Emily couldn't deny Paige had a point.

Paige had asked her for space, to stop them from talking themselves into circles over and over. To allow Emily to figure out what it was she wanted. She'd done that, hadn't she? At least partly, she had. Emily knew that stopping that cycle was what she'd hoped to do, when she'd resolved to come out here and be honest with Paige.

"I kissed you, you kissed me back. What's there to talk about?"

Emily softened at Paige's words, able to see the slightest hint of agitation creeping in to Paige's tone as she spoke. Agitation caused by desperation, by fear. A part of Emily considered that Paige's reluctance to talk, to risk ending up muddling everything again or further, was perhaps coming from someplace else, someplace other than just wanting to enjoy the simplicity of it, especially after they'd taken what Emily knew should be considered a step forward. _Was_ a step forward.

Emily had told Paige how she felt. They'd kissed. It felt _good_. Emily wanted to just leave it at that. But, she couldn't shake the urge to talk about what it all meant for them now. She didn't want to end up like they had after Friday night, tiptoeing around the subject, unsure of where they stood, allowing it to pull them apart. All because they hadn't tried to talk to one another sooner. It made sense to get it out of the way now, whilst they were too wired to sleep. If only to ensure they got a decent night's sleep, when they eventually returned to their rooms.

"I…"

"You wanted to kiss me. Yes or no?"

Paige cut Emily off before she got chance to pose her argument, her brow furrowing at the question, at the simplicity of it.

"Paige…"

Paige merely met her gaze, imploring her to just answer the question.

"Yes or no?"

"Yes."

Emily cleared her throat, the simple act of meeting Paige's gaze making her feel a little lightheaded, her breath catching in her throat at the sudden intensity of Paige's stare. Paige nodded, eyes falling away once again.

"I wanted to kiss you, too."

Emily watched as Paige swallowed, pulling her hands from her pockets and smoothing them across her thighs, Emily comforted by the subtle signs of Paige's nerves.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time."

Emily's heart ached for Paige, then. Ached, because she felt it, too, the second Paige said it. Emily felt the yearning. A yearning she'd never been able to put a word to, until now, hearing it so clearly in Paige's voice as she spoke. It wasn't just a relief to have accepted the feelings she knew she had for Paige. It was a relief to have finally given in to them.

 _How long?_

Emily didn't know where the question came from, or why she felt so eager to voice it. She wasn't sure she needed to. Another part of her didn't feel like it was entirely fair of her to ask Paige any more questions, questions that should Paige chose to turn them back on her, she wouldn't necessarily be able to answer.

"Did it feel wrong?"

This time, Paige's words weren't so confident. She faltered slightly with the question, Emily sensing the briefest hint of hesitance.

"Yes or…"

"No."

Emily didn't hesitate.

Nothing about what had just happened felt wrong. Nothing about kissing Paige felt wrong. Emily couldn't deny the relief she'd felt by simply giving in to it; giving in to her desires. Soberly, this time. It wasn't like Friday night. There was no alcohol to give her false courage, or to cloud her senses. Or, most importantly, to blame it on. Everything she'd said had come from a relatively clear mind. From her heart. Everything they'd done, the kisses they'd shared, she'd remember them with clarity. And she'd wanted them.

It wasn't wrong. It could never be wrong.

Emily watched as Paige nodded, mulling the answer over in her mind, another slightly disbelieving, slightly awed smile ghosting across Paige's lips as she accepted it.

"Can I walk you home?"

Confusion struck Emily as she glanced across, her eyes finding Paige already pushing herself up from the bench, zipping up her sweater. Paige, apparently, had made her mind up. The brief conversation they'd shared would apparently suffice for tonight.

Emily watched as Paige moved to stuff her hands in her pockets, before seemingly changing her mind as her eyes fell to Emily once more. After another moment's hesitation, Paige held out her hand.

Emily's gaze fell to the palm Paige held out in invitation. The fight to stay, to talk further fell away from her as she took in the gesture. After a moment's hesitation of her own, Emily accepted the offer, allowing Paige to pull her to her feet. Emily kept her grip loose as they stood, waiting to see what Paige's next move was going to be. Her grip tightened as Paige made to drop her hand, Emily not allowing herself time to overthink the decision; she wanted Paige to walk her home and she wanted to do so hand in hand.

Emily flexed her fingers a few times as they began making their way back towards the dorms, trying to fully relax into the sensation. She wasn't sure why she was so conscious of the fact they were holding hands. They'd held hands before. Admittedly, not quite like this. And certainly not after a kiss like _that_. For all it felt a little strange, it wasn't unpleasant. It felt good. It felt right.

Emily lifted her gaze from their entwined hands to find Paige looking at her curiously. There was a glint of something in her eye, something Emily hadn't expected. She'd expected…well, Emily hadn't really had the time to expect anything, given how quickly everything had just transpired. She'd at least assumed she'd find more questions in Paige's gaze, or perhaps a hint of awkwardness, uncertainty. But Paige, she just seemed so…calm. Resolved.

Paige's eyes fell away, falling to their joined hands, an almost giddy, innocent kind of smile tugging onto her lips as she took in the sight. It was one Emily couldn't help but mirror.

"You okay?"

Paige's voice broke Emily from her thoughts and she realized she'd been caught staring. Emily nodded, smiling softly. Paige turned her attention back to the path ahead, giving Emily's hand a quick squeeze.

The walk seemed longer on the way back, though not laboriously so. For the first time in days, Emily felt relaxed in Paige's company. It was a feeling she did her best to savour as they got closer and closer to the dorms, knowing that they'd soon have to part ways, that she'd soon be back in her bed, alone with her thoughts. Maybe they'd even end up talking again, though Emily supposed Paige had made it clear where she stood on that becoming an actuality.

Again, Emily considered that perhaps Paige's reluctance to discuss everything that had happened wasn't merely just an attempt to put off the inevitable. Whilst the revelation of what she felt, what she'd always felt for Paige over the years had hit her over the head like a ton of bricks over the course of the past few days, Emily got the impression that Paige had probably been far surer of her own feelings for far longer than that. It made sense for Paige to want to savour the moment.

Emily wasn't exactly giddy with the prospect of crawling back into her bed, alone. Time alone with her thoughts meant time to conjure up more questions. Questions that would only remind her of the fears and uncertainties she had.

It wasn't until they'd began walking quietly, comfortably hand in hand, that she appreciated Paige's desire to relish the simplicity of it all. It felt nice to just appreciate how good it felt to be in Paige's company, for the first time in days. How good Paige's hand felt in her own and how the silence they shared was a comfortable one.

That wasn't to say the sensation of Paige's hand in her own was one that was lost on Emily. Every now and then Paige would absently fiddle with her fingers, or stroke the back of her hand with her thumb, Paige seemingly as hyperaware of the contact as Emily was. Every movement was as if she was testing it out, taking in how it felt, perhaps even checking it was real. _It was._ Though it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her, Emily still felt a twinge of exhilaration as she took in the way their hands swung leisurely between them as they walked.

They passed a couple of the girls from their floor, Emily suddenly conscious of the fleeting glance they'd shot in their direction. It took her a moment to realize that her grip had slackened, though only momentarily. She didn't want to let go. It was only hand holding, Emily reminded herself. Though now, Emily couldn't help but think about how it looked to the (admittedly very few) people they passed as they walked back to the dorms.

It had to look like they were together.

The thought of that actually being a reality filled Emily with both a giddy anticipation and a heady anxiety, all at once.

It was then, that Emily faltered. She'd been honest with Paige. She'd kissed Paige back, because she'd wanted to. She'd acknowledged that she had feelings for Paige, that she'd near enough always had feelings for Paige. Emily hadn't, however, considered what was going to happen, or what she wanted to happen, now.

It was a conundrum Emily knew she couldn't ignore. One that she wasn't sure she needed to figure out right now, so instantaneously, but one she was suddenly mindful of, all the same. She'd left her room that night in search of some release, hoping that she'd be able to offer Paige some of her own. It was clear to Emily that she was tired of fighting against her feelings, afraid of them or not. That she wanted to explore the attraction that lingered between them, that she wanted to see what could come of the feelings they so obviously shared. And Emily knew that if they were to do that, she wanted to do that in a way that wouldn't jeopardize their friendship.

However, Emily had no idea how exactly that was going to work.

They were already best friends. They already knew everything they needed to know about one another. Would going on a date feel too forced, somehow? Or too unnecessary, given how much they already enjoyed each other's company? Did they just add making out to their hang outs, suddenly, and wait to see where that addition led them? Did she want them to become a couple now? Would they just become a couple, now? Or did they need to talk about becoming a couple? Should they just let nature take its course?

As much as she tried to cling on to the simplicity the silence surrounding them offered, Emily knew it was a pointless task. It was already gone. The need to process everything rose within her eagerly, Emily half wondering if she should persist, despite Paige's clear indication that she wasn't interested in talking.

It was then Emily noticed Paige was about to drop her hand, Emily's stomach dropping as Paige's grip loosened, then dropping further as Paige's hold fell away. Paige was doing her best to conceal it, but it was easy to read from the subtle change in her expression that she'd picked up on the shift in Emily's thoughts. It was clear she'd noticed the way Emily had tensed as the girls had passed them and equally clear that she'd taken it to mean the wrong thing.

Emily's heart constricted. She was happy walking hand in hand with Paige, silently, easily. Emily frowned further, almost petulantly berating her own mind, hating that she'd ruined the first peaceful moment between them in days without even having to say a word.

Emily contemplated reaching for Paige's hand again, deflating as she realized Paige had already stuffed both of her hands into her pockets. Emily sagged, before impulsively she looped her arm around Paige's. It was something of a compromise, Emily hoping it would suffice; hoping Paige would get the message and allow her the proximity. Fleeting self-consciousness or not, Emily hadn't wanted to let go. She hadn't cared what conclusions those girls had come to.

After a moment, mildly emboldened that Paige' hadn't yet pulled away, Emily dipped her hand into Paige's pocket, twisting her wrist a little awkwardly and opening her hand out in invitation. To her relief Paige took it, pulling her hand from her pocket so their entwined hands could swing loosely between them once again, though Emily sagged when Paige's easy, almost care free smile from earlier failed to return.

Emily gave Paige a quick tug, leading her from the path directly toward their building and off towards the fountain in the center of the quad. Emily knew in the grand scheme of things the short detour was hardly going to prolong their journey and consequently their time together, but she figured it was worth the extra time it would afford her. It was something of a desperate attempt to recapture the comfortable silence they'd just shared; one Emily couldn't help but hope Paige hadn't picked up on.

"I know we should talk, Emily. I'm not saying we shouldn't."

Emily sagged. Paige had picked up on it, but again, she'd taken it to mean the wrong thing.

"I get why you don't want to," Emily assured her. "We don't _have_ to. You were right. It's _nice_ …just, being with you."

"Nice," Paige muttered, scrunching her nose up.

"Is this the part where you tell me hand holding shouldn't just be 'nice'?" Emily smirked, suppressing the hint of anxiety the simple joke conjured up within her, watching first the confusion, then the mildly embarrassed acknowledgement grace Paige's features as she realized what Emily was referring to.

"Shut up," Paige shook her head. Emily relaxed watching a hint of a blush creeping onto Paige's face, glad to feel the tension that had befallen them easing some.

Paige slowed them to a stop, disentangling herself from Emily's hold, before making her way towards the edge of the fountain and perching on it. Emily followed suit, settling down beside her.

"I'm scared of you too, you know."

Paige's words were softly spoken, Emily glancing over to find Paige's eyes on her shoes, toe scuffing the ground absently as she spoke.

"You are?"

Paige didn't answer her. Emily nudged Paige with her elbow to get her to look up, silently probing, though again, she wasn't entirely sure it was fair of her. How many of Paige's own questions had she herself dodged recently?

"Why are you scared of me?"

Paige hesitated, puffing out a breath, as if she'd already forgotten she'd shared that particular admission.

"You don't have to…"

"I'd pretty much resigned myself to the fact you could never feel the same way, about me," Paige cut her off, her eyes falling away as she spoke. "Then Friday happened and…"

Emily simply nodded in understanding.

"The possibility of me liking you back scares you?" Emily asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"No. Yes. But not in a bad way. It's more like…"

"You don't believe I do?"

"It's not that, it's…maybe," Paige sighed, puffing out a breath. "I don't know."

"I'm sorry," Emily nudged Paige, succeeding in getting Paige to look at her. "Honestly. We don't have to talk about this now."

"We probably should."

Emily simply nodded.

"I feel like every time we talk about this," Paige gestured between the two of them. "About what happened Friday? It feels as if…it's like you're trying to talk yourself into something. Prom, swim camp…it's like you're trying to find evidence. To convince yourself that you feel something for me. Convince yourself that you weren't just drunk and…horny."

" _Paige,"_ Emily scoffed at the insinuation, sitting back. "You really think that? After everything I just said, you still think…"

"No. I…I don't know."

"It wasn't…"

Emily shook her head, trying to find the right words. On Friday, Saturday morning, yes, Emily had wondered if she'd gotten too drunk and made a pass at Paige just to feel something. Just to sate a need. But she knew now it wasn't that. She'd known at the time, it wasn't that. It was far more than that.

"Paige, I _do_ have feelings for you. I wasn't lying before…"

"I know you weren't," Paige shook her head, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

"Then what…"

"I know what I want," Paige cut her off, looking to Emily a conviction that silenced her protests instantly. "I know what I want this to be. I'm not sure you do and that's what scares me."

"Oh."

Emily opened her mouth to speak, though faltered, unable to think of a rebuttal. She understood why Paige felt that way. Replaying most of their conversations from the past few days, even earlier, when she'd finally admitted to the feelings that were there, it was easy to see why Paige could have perceived her as being somewhat indecisive.

Emily's heart ached, because she could see it, then. Had heard it in Paige's voice. Just how much it meant to her, to have Emily reciprocate her feelings. To be given that glimmer of hope. It was also easy to see just how much it scared her, too.

"It's okay if you don't. I do mean that. But now we've…and you said you…" Paige ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head as she tried to get a handle on her words. "I don't want there to be any pressure. But at the same time, I'm scared you're going to talk yourself out of anything, before we even try. I want you talk yourself into this, Em. Into wanting what I want. Which is you, if you haven't already noticed."

Emily's heart swelled once again with just how willingly Paige was putting herself out there. For her. To be honest with her. It was moments like this that she could see it. What she felt. Moments like this where it was painfully clear, just how much she…

Emily sighed.

Maybe she couldn't say it. But Emily knew she felt it. Deep and terrifying and empowering in her chest.

"I do want you."

There was little sense denying it.

Emily knew she owed it to Paige, to herself, to admit it. Emily urged herself to remember why she'd dragged Paige out there in the first place. She'd wanted to be honest. To be honest with Paige and honest with herself.

"Really?"

Paige's gaze was skeptical, save for the unmistakable hint of hope etched onto her features.

"I _really_ do."

Emily watched as Paige looked away, trying and failing to mask the grin gracing her features, a grin that made Emily's heart melt.

Paige turned to her as the silence began to linger, shuffling closer slowly, cautiously, as if she was afraid she'd scare Emily away should she move too fast. Emily's gaze was drawn to Paige's hand as it reached out, coming to rest against her forearm, Emily's skin prickling with warmth at the touch. Paige's touch was feather light as she urged Emily to face her. Emily began to feel heady again as Paige slowly begun leaning in, her eyes fluttering closed briefly in anticipation.

The kiss didn't come.

Paige pulled back, putting some space between them. Emily rocked forward, momentarily ignoring the fact Paige had obviously pulled back for a reason, something easily done with Paige's lips lingering so close, enticing her. Emily sighed, sitting back. Paige met her gaze warily.

"Is there a 'but'?"

"No."

Emily cleared her throat, her statement hardly backed up by the way her heart was pounding anxiously in her chest. Something was making her nervous. Though she supposed that was equally a result of Paige's proximity. Of the fleeting possibility of Paige's lips against her own once more.

"No. Not…necessarily."

Paige didn't seem convinced.

"Paige, I meant it when I said I had feelings for you. But…"

The way Paige seemed to deflate felt like a slap to the face. Still Emily pushed on.

 _"But_ I also meant it when I said I was terrified."

"That's okay."

"What if it's not?" Emily searched Paige's eyes, wishing she could echo Paige's certainty.

"It is."

"But what if it isn't?" Emily countered, unable to quell the panic rising within her. "What if I end up saying the wrong thing, or you change your mind about us? Or what if I end up pushing you away because I get scared? What if I hurt you, or we ruin what we already have? What if I…"

 _Lose you._

"You're worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. That might never happen," Paige sighed. "Why are you so sure exploring this… _us,_ is going to be such a disaster?"

 _Because I love you._

Emily's eyes fell away from Paige's concerned stare, the breath catching in her throat at the realization.

She did. She loved Paige. She was terrified of what she felt for Paige because she knew that it was all or nothing. It wasn't just a crush or some fleeting attraction they were contemplating exploring. One that could pitter out easily, one that would fade in time, becoming a bittersweet memory and nothing more. It was more than that. The consequences would be greater than that. The stakes were higher. She knew how easily a love like that could break her.

"Emily I'm not asking you to decide everything, right now, all at once," Paige continued on obliviously, drawing Emily's attention back to her. "You don't think I'm scared too?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not asking you to be sorry," Paige shook her head, reaching out to take Emily's hand in her own. Emily wasn't sure if it was to comfort her, or for Paige to comfort herself. "I meant it, when I said I've wanted to do this for a long time. I've wanted to…"

 _Be with you, for a long time._

Paige didn't need to say it. Emily understood, the look Paige shot her almost thankful.

"I know that you haven't had that."

"Had what?"

"The time I've had," Paige elaborated, Emily's brow furrowing. "From what I can gather, it's uh…new? The…you know, what you…"

"Feel," Emily finished the sentence for her. "For you."

"Yes."

"Sort of," Emily admitted, something about Paige's expression compelling her to elaborate, Emily pushing past her hesitance to do just that. "It isn't 'new'. Not really. I just haven't ever realized how much I…"

Emily wavered. Paige swallowed.

"How long I've felt this way."

"Right."

Paige looked away, Emily's shoulders sagging. She could tell Paige wanted to ask a million questions, though it was clear to see how tired Paige was, as she brushed the hair back from her face. Emily felt herself lost as to what to say. Suddenly, her stomach began to swirl. There was that feeling again.

Unravelling.

"I just want us to be 'us' again."

"Us?" Emily's brow furrowed.

"The way we were."

"Friends?"

Emily opened her mouth, words catching awkwardly in her throat as she realized the urge she was feeling, the urge she was suppressing, was one to protest. _Friends?_ It didn't make sense. Not after everything Paige had just said. Not after what they'd just done.

"You don't kiss your friends like that, Paige."

"No," Paige's lips quirked into a smile. "You definitely do not."

Emily merely met Paige's gaze fervently, imploring her to elaborate.

"I'm trying to say that there doesn't need to be any pressure. We don't need to decide everything we want _right now,"_ Paige lifted her shoulders in an almost pleading shrug. "We're friends first, always. I don't want that to change. I'm not going to deny the fact I want more than that. And If you're willing to…I'd like to see how things develop, from there."

Emily found herself nodding. It sounded…well, reasonable. Sensible. She wanted the same thing. She wanted to be able to be how they were. She wanted to see what they could become.

Emily suddenly realized that Paige would probably appreciate, more accurately probably _needed_ her to start voicing her thoughts, as opposed to merely nodding along.

"I want that," Emily met Paige's gaze, smiling softly. "But, at the same time, what if I…"

"I'm tired of what ifs, Em."

For all they cut Emily off abruptly, Paige words were softly spoken. Paige turned to her fully, giving Emily's hand a quick squeeze, as if to reassure her.

"Maybe I'll hurt you. Maybe you'll hurt me. Maybe it'll be the worst decision we've ever made, but maybe it'll be the best. We can't go through our lives ignoring what we feel just because we're scared of it. _You_ taught me that."

"Paige…"

"I'm done being scared. Of second guessing myself. Of not just giving in to what I want. I know you are too, Em. You wouldn't have pulled me out here, or told me what you told me, if that wasn't the case."

Emily nodded slowly, forcing herself to acknowledge what Paige was saying. That Paige was right.

"I want to see where this goes. What we could be. I think it could be something. _Really_ something," Paige swallowed, Emily's heart aching at the cracks of vulnerability seeping through Paige's assured façade, though still she persevered. "All I'm asking is that you give it a chance?"

 _Give us a chance._

Maybe Paige hadn't said it, but it was there, written all over her face.

Could it really be that simple? Something told Emily it could, if she could only stop finding excuses to doubt herself, and take the leap.

Why was she so scared of taking it?

"What if I'm not brave enough?"

Emily's voice wavered dangerously as she spoke.

"You don't have to be brave."

Paige cupped Emily's cheek, imploring her to believe her. Emily didn't take much convincing. It was all there in Paige's stare, suddenly, everything Paige was trying to tell her. What Paige had been trying to tell her, all along.

 _You're not alone._

It was easy then, for Emily to see that Paige felt it too, the fear. A fear she'd allowed to consume her, for far too long. A fear Paige refused to give in to, any longer. A fear Paige was thriving off.

Emily closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around Paige's shoulders, melding into the embrace as Paige's own arms encircled her, holding her tight. Emily closed her eyes, burying her nose into Paige's neck, comforted by the familiar scent. Tight in Paige's embrace, soothed by the steady beat of Paige's heart, Emily knew then that it didn't matter if she wasn't brave enough, just yet.

For now, Paige would be brave enough for the both of them.

Emily's skin flushed when they eventually pulled apart, embarrassed by how easily she'd unraveled, by how easily she'd lost the (admittedly fleeting) composure she'd left the dorms with earlier that night. Emily puffed out a breath, meeting Paige's gaze almost apologetically. Paige simply shook her head in understanding, a soft, warm smile tugging onto her lips.

It was okay to be scared, Emily realized then. It was okay to be scared, because she wasn't alone. They would muddle through this, whatever it was to be, together. It didn't mean losing Paige, or losing herself. They would keep each other right, get through all the uncertainties and anxieties they'd suffered over the past few days and surely to come, together. As long as they were honest with each other, they'd be okay.

Emily kicked herself, then, for having taken so long to realize that.

"You okay?"

Emily smiled, nodding. How many times had Paige asked her that today? That question didn't seem to matter. Emily reached out, fingers grazing the zipper of Paige's jacket lightly, before closing around the opening firmly and using the leverage it offered to tug Paige closer. Emily opened her mouth to say something, though suddenly, she wasn't so interested in talking anymore. She was tired of talking. Inching closer, Emily slowly closed the distance between them, capturing Paige's lips in a soft, chaste kiss. Less desperate than the one before, less passionate, but surer. Sweeter. As they gradually fell into their rhythm once more, finally, Emily felt wholly certain of something.

 _It would all be worth it._

Afraid or not, brave or not, Emily was certain it would all be worth it. As long as she took the leap, she wouldn't regret giving them a chance.


	13. Chapter 13

_Man, I'm sorry for the huge gap in between updates. I was so focused on getting Flux updated I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd sat down to work on this. As always, thank you so much for the kind words on the last chapter – given that I meant this to be an open-ended 2 shot, I've really enjoyed expanding this story into something more and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and encouragement as it goes on._

 _Fair warning, this ended up being seriously long. I couldn't seem to cut it down; the more I attempted to edit, the more I seemed to add. I didn't want to switch it from Paige's POV by splitting it up into another chapter, so in the end I've just left it. It's more or less in three parts, so feel free to break it up. I wanted to write something a little lighter than usual and I really hope it's worth the wait. Until next time :)_

* * *

 **Part Thirteen.**

 _Just breathe._

In for ten, out for ten.

Relax.

It was a trick Paige's Father had taught her when she was younger. _Just breathe,_ he'd remind her. In for ten, out for ten, relax. _Focus._ For all her initial reaction had been little more than a scoff of scepticism, Paige knew she had to give credit where it was due; the old man was right. It worked.

Always a hyperactive child, determined but distracted, as her Mom would often put it, swimming and in truth any sport had served as the perfect outlet for Paige, burning off the bulk of her restless energy. It was energy that was all too often more a hindrance than a help. The benefits swimming offered had far outweighed the potential negative impact on her schoolwork that her parents had initially feared.

Once Paige began competing, however, the benefits seemed to wear off. Something about the noise, the crowd, the pressure, the expectation; it was all too distracting. Borderline debilitating. It still grated on Paige, even now, how easily she'd managed to become overwhelmed by something as simple as swimming in front of other people. Something she did so well, so often, on her own. Paige could still feel the disappointment of her very first try outs. She couldn't focus. She'd bombed. She'd expected her Dad to berate her, but he hadn't. Next time, _just breathe,_ he'd reminded her. They'd worked on techniques for weeks afterward, until it was almost a mantra in her mind.

In for ten, out for ten, breathe, relax.

 _Focus_.

It worked. It had worked back then and it still worked now; it was how Paige started every race. In for ten, as she waited in place. Out for ten, as she stepped onto the block. Breathe, relax; the chatter of the crowd would slowly die off, the distractions surrounding her would fade, her focus solely on the swim ahead.

Paige wasn't about to step up to the block. This wasn't a meet; it was just a meal. Still, Paige found herself repeating the process, pulling in a deep breath, counting slowly in her mind as she allowed her eyes to drift across the room. Her gaze sought out the doors leading to the restrooms, Paige puffing out the breath she was holding with a heavy sigh as they reached their destination. Her shoulders slumped as the doors remained closed, much like they had mere seconds earlier, when she'd last checked. Paige's eyes flit down to her watch with a frown.

What was taking her so long?

Paige groaned inwardly, taking a gulp of her water and willing herself to snap out of it. She knew she was being ridiculous. Emily had barely been gone five minutes.

 _In for ten, out for ten._

 _Relax_ , already.

Frustratingly, that was easier said than done. There was a nervous, anticipatory energy swarming within her, which, whilst not entirely unpleasant, was definitely throwing her off kilter. Whilst Paige wanted to zone in on the good; the excitement, over the anxiety, the potential positives, over the potential negatives, she was finding it increasingly difficult to relax. It was only getting worse, the longer Emily failed to reappear.

Overthinking, evidently, was a hard habit to break. And Paige could tell she was overthinking things. That itself only served to infuriate her, because deep down she knew that if she could just _stop_ and relax, the night ahead could quite possibly end up being exactly the opportunity she'd been hoping for, since she and Emily parted ways late Monday night.

For the first time in three days, they'd been blessed with some downtime. Time that wasn't being wholly consumed by swimming or training, studying or schoolwork. Time Paige desperately wanted to make the most of, fully aware that the deeper into the month they got, the more restricted their free time was going to become. More than anything, it was time alone with Emily, finally. Time the universe hadn't appeared to want to grant them at all since their talk, amongst other things, on Monday night.

Buoyed by everything that had transpired, from Emily's almost desperate confession, to her own equally desperate response, Paige had remained restlessly enthusiastic about what was to come since they'd parted, quietly with a kiss; the softest of pecks outside their respective rooms. A simple kiss, but one that had left Paige soaring for days. The ensuing enthusiasm was something she was trying her damnedest to hold on to, the longer the week drew on.

In many ways, it still didn't feel real. Any of it. From Friday's drunken encounter right up to Emily standing in front of her, saying out loud exactly what Paige had wanted to hear for so damn long, whilst simultaneously admitting she was terrified by the very thought of it. It didn't feel real, but it was. Equally hard to believe was the certainty Paige felt. A certainty telling her that this was it. This was the beginning of something between them.

 _Finally._

The urge to doubt that certainty, a certainty which had peaked and plummeted consistently over past few days, was a strong one. Paige's resolve to hold onto it, so far at least, was thankfully stronger.

Admittedly, it had only been three days; three days where she'd barely had time to see Emily, three days where time hadn't allowed for their budding relationship to develop any further. Or disintegrate, before it had the chance to fully spark. Regardless of how little had progressed, Paige was determined to hold onto her optimism, her hope. She was tired of listening to the same old questions, the same old doubts in her mind.

What was there to doubt?

Emily had feelings for her. Emily wanted to explore their connection. Those were Emily's own words, words that were as desperate and wanting as Paige's own feelings had always, _always_ felt. Feelings she'd harbored for longer than she could remember. Yes, Emily was afraid, but Paige was too. When it came to Emily, Paige knew she'd made the mistake of listening to her fears far too many times before and she wasn't about to do it again. Not when she had so much to gain from simply following her gut. Her gut, which had consistently screamed at her since their very last kiss to _just make a move, already._ Something that had proven easier said than done.

Their schedules were hectic from Tuesday onwards. In parts maddening, due to the fact Paige could practically feel herself bursting with impatience to find out just how things would begin to progress between them, it was in equal parts calming. The time apart offered Paige the chance to calm down, to clear her head and enjoy the excitement offered by the possibilities that lay ahead, especially after the confusion and uncertainty that had marred much of their weekend.

As hard as Paige tried, there was still a part of her that couldn't help but worry about the effect the space had had on Emily. Whilst she'd worked hard to let it calm her, to go over the truths they'd shared and to focus on the positives within them, the possibilities, Paige couldn't help but worry that the same time apart had allowed seeds of doubt to grow in Emily's mind. Emily had done a damn good job of trying to talk herself and Paige out of everything as they'd wandered around campus together, after all. Whilst Paige was sure she'd gotten her point across then, whilst she wanted to be sure that Emily had believed her when she'd told her that it was okay to be afraid, it seemed natural to feel at least the slightest concern that Emily, given the opportunity to think things through on her own, would slowly begin talking herself out of it. Again.

With the meet against Arizona State fast approaching, practice on Tuesday had felt brutal. Staying up half the night wandering around campus, as wonderful as it had transpired to be, hadn't helped either girls form. That coupled with a weekend of restless nights and high emotions had taken its toll on them both. Then Paige had to spend the entirety of Wednesday finishing a paper due the following day, cramming her reading in between classes and writing long into the night to ensure she met the deadline.

In truth, Paige was beat. She could have quite happily collapsed into her bed the second she'd turned her paper in earlier that afternoon. But when she'd arrived home to Sydney mentioning that Emily had stopped by, suggesting they all do something together that night, her tiredness was soon forgotten, Paige all but jumping at the chance.

They all needed a chance to unwind. All three of them. For all she was usually the first one to incite sacking off studying and schoolwork for movie nights and other less productive things, Sydney had been pushing hard over the past week, determined to keep her weekend free for Jacob and little else. Emily had struggled intermittently throughout the year, trying to stick to her course load and pushing hard with her training. This week was one of the weeks where it was all getting a little too much for her; Paige could tell. It was easy to pick up on the strain Emily was under, easy to pick up on how hard she was trying not to let it show.

Emily needed a night off.

Dinner, Paige suggested. Something light, so it wouldn't completely derail their training come the morning. Dinner would give them the chance to catch up properly, unlike the quick lunches and silent study nights they'd shared together over the past few days. It would get them off campus for a while and away from the constant reminders of the heavy workload that would be there waiting for them when they got back.

Sydney was in. At first. A quick text to Emily confirmed she was too and Paige was genuinely excited for the chance to spend time together with both of them. Then Sydney bailed just as Emily arrived to set off. Jacob, in Paige's eyes, had decided to choose the worst possible moment for an impromptu visit and now what had started out as a nice, quiet evening amongst friends had descended into something a little more complicated.

It was all Jacob's fault.

Or, more accurately, it was Sydney's. Instead of inviting him along with them, she'd bailed on their plans.

It hadn't helped that Sydney recommended the restaurant. Paige hadn't been here before. Hadn't realized what the vibe was going to be, until they'd stepped inside. Dim lights. Intimately arranged tables. Slow, delicate music. The more Paige sat there, waiting for Emily to return from the restroom, the more she contemplated the idea that it had to look like she'd scammed Emily into some sort of impromptu date. And the more she thought about that, the easier it was for her to fret that Emily was freaking out in the bathroom stall, regretting agreeing to come to dinner. Regretting everything she'd admitted on Monday night. Climbing out of the window, making her escape.

" _You're being ridiculous."_

Paige took another gulp of her water, eyes flitting to the restrooms once more.

Paige wanted to focus on the fact that finally, she had the chance to be alone with Emily. Given that their every waking moment together had been spent on campus over the past few days, it was time together Paige had craved. Time which they could hopefully put to good use reconnecting, healing the disconnect that had developed between them over the weekend. Time that could hopefully help them move past all the uncertainty and awkwardness and allow them to regain some sense of normalcy. Time in which things would start to level out and time in which things could maybe, with a little luck, begin to progress.

Paige was certain it could, as long as she managed to relax before Emily returned.

 _If_ Emily returned.

Paige sighed. Perhaps she hadn't been as successful in holding her resolve as she'd first thought. Paige slumped forward, chin resting against her palm, eyes settling on the restroom doors again.

In for ten, out for ten.

 _Relax._

Paige sat up straight, exhaling. She was done doubting. Second guessing.

Emily had feelings for her. Emily wanted to kiss her. Emily was scared, but only because of how strongly she felt. Paige forced herself to remember that. To remember that those were things Emily had said, had admitted to her out loud. Paige knew she could trust that. As conflicted as Emily had seemed that night, as conflicted as Emily had been for days before and likely was even now, Paige knew Emily wouldn't confess to something like that unless she truly meant it. Emily wouldn't risk hurting her like that, Paige was certain.

Hearing Emily say those things to her was like a switch going on in her mind. Suddenly, Paige knew her feelings were not one sided. Paige had mentally kicked herself as she'd watched Emily stumble through her confessions. How had she been so oblivious to it, for so long? She could feel that Emily wanted to see where things could go as much as she did. Emily, it seemed, just hadn't had the time Paige herself had had, to prepare, to process. At least, Paige assumed that was likely the case and understood it meant she needed to be patient. With Emily, and with herself, too. Given the fact that they'd only just admitted out loud to one another, and in Emily's case potentially to herself, that this, 'them' was something they wanted to explore, it made sense for things to be tentative. Cautious.

Paige had waited this long. She could wait a little longer, if it meant getting it right. It was no secret; Paige desperately wanted to get it right.

 _I'm not brave, like you._ It had sounded nonsensical to her, as Emily had said it, though it dawned on Paige that that was exactly what she needed to be. Brave. For Emily, for herself. If only she'd have approached her feelings for Emily with the same, sometimes foolhardy, bravado with which she approached everything else, Paige wondered if perhaps they could have gotten to where they were now, sooner.

Paige wasn't brave, but she was good at faking it. And if faking it meant she got a shot with Emily Fields, then Paige was determined to pretend to be brave until she didn't need to be, anymore. She would definitely try. Try to be brave enough to hold Emily's hand, just because she wanted to. _If_ Emily wanted her to. She'd resolved to be brave enough to kiss Emily, again, just because she wanted to. As long as Emily wanted her to.

 _God_ , she hoped Emily still wanted her to.

Paige's sat up a little straighter as Emily eventually reappeared, flashing Paige a brief, apologetic smile as she made her way back to their table.

 _Relax._

"Sorry. The line was ridiculous."

"Don't sweat it," Paige waved off the apology, fiddling with the edge of her menu. "I didn't realize it'd be so busy here."

"I think we were lucky to get a table," Emily glanced around. "This place is…"

"Nice," Paige interjected, frowning a little at the word.

It was an accurate description. The restaurant was nice. Affordable yet tasteful, ambient, but homely. _Romantic._ Looking around once again, Paige's brow furrowed. There wasn't a single group in the place, which was about three quarters full. All of the tables were twos. All the patrons looked like couples. If Paige didn't know better, she'd be convinced Sydney had ditched them and sent them here purposefully, just to set them up.

"Yeah," Emily agreed, glancing around. "It's nice."

"Cozy."

" _Cozy."_

Paige wavered, wondering if she was reading too much into the subtle shift in Emily's tone as she mirrored her valuation of the place.

"Sydney picked it out."

Paige frowned, taking in her choice of words. Why did she need Emily to know that? Overthinking, again, Paige cursed herself inwardly. So what if Emily thought she'd brought her on some sort of impromptu, secret date. Didn't she want to be on a date with Emily?

Paige did, though she _had_ hoped both she and Emily would be aware of any date they were having, before it was actually happening. She'd also meant it when she'd told Emily she didn't want there to be any pressure. Paige only hoped Emily didn't feel like she had any expectations for the night ahead.

"So…"

"So."

"I like your shirt," Emily mused, tipping her head to Paige's torso.

"Thanks," Paige shot Emily a quick, somewhat skeptical smile, looking down at the shirt in question, confused by the compliment. She'd worn it a thousand times before. Emily herself had worn it once, if Paige recalled correctly. Her lips tugged into a slight frown as she realized Emily was grasping at straws, attempting to fill the silence slowly growing between them.

Paige let out a sigh, fixing her attention to her menu. She could feel an air of awkwardness building around them, her mood dampened by the fact that it'd taken so little time to happen. It surprised her, in some ways. They'd been fine throughout the week. They'd seen each other at practice each morning, squeezed in the odd lunch together between classes, studied alongside one another silently, usually with Sydney in tow, as they regularly would have before Friday night happened, before their kisses and confessions and lack thereof.

It had been a relief to get back to some sort of normalcy. An energy still lingered between them, but it was no longer one made up of purely uncertainty. Uncertainty was definitely a part of it, Paige was sure that was something that wouldn't be changing anytime soon, but there was an excitement there too, a hopefulness that hadn't been present before.

Admittedly, Sydney or some of their other teammates were always there with them, acting as a buffer. Filling awkward silences, just like this one. Removing any sense of expectation or anticipation. Paige acknowledged this was the first time they'd been completely, properly _alone_ and whilst she'd been craving exactly that for days, she couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed, now that it was finally happening.

As nice as the restaurant was, the setting didn't help. They'd shared a hundred meals together before, alone together, meals in restaurants just as 'cozy' as this one without their being any suggestion that it was even remotely romantic. Paige was well aware it was only due to recent events that the notion of romance was even occurring to her. Whether warranted or not, Paige couldn't help but feel a little pressured by the surroundings they'd found themselves in.

The restaurant _was_ romantic. Intimate. Emily wasn't sitting opposite her; the chairs surrounding their table, and, as a quick glance confirmed, all the single tables in the small restaurant, we're positioned so that diners would have to sit next to one another, corner to corner. Their proximity was distracting. The ambience was unnerving.

Paige swallowed, aware she was at an impasse of sorts. She could let the situation they'd found themselves in overwhelm her and potentially ruin a perfectly pleasant night, or she could relax and make the most of it. She could be brave, just like Emily thought she was.

"Share this with me?"

The words didn't come out as assured as she'd hoped, but Paige managed to keep her expression neutral, her tone, she hoped at least, mildly playful as she turned the menu to Emily, pointing at an extravagant sounding dessert marked 'perfect for two'. A smirk tugged onto her lips as Emily began to smile, though her brow soon furrowed incredulously.

"Don't you think we should get through our mains first before thinking about dessert?"

"Who said we can't start with dessert?" Paige countered, her smile widening as Emily's let out a small laugh. "I didn't move all the way out to California to still live by my Mom's rules."

"No," Emily agreed. "You moved out here to swim. Which will be a lot harder to do tomorrow, if that's what we're planning on eating. This must be like, a _week's_ worth of calories."

"Maybe for you, the way you tend to share," Paige teased, feeling Emily kicking her lightly beneath the table. She swallowed at the contact, a softer, lighter smile tugging onto her lips as her gaze fell away.

"Compromise," Emily's voice prompted Paige to look up again, her eyes drawn to Emily's finger, which was pointing to the pizza section of the menu. "Share one with me instead?"

"You don't want one to yourself?"

"We're meant to be having a light bite, remember?" Emily reminded her, something about the way her tone shifted from lighthearted to mildly anguished compelling Paige to frown. "The last thing I need is to sink like a rock at practice tomorrow. I've been sluggish enough as it is lately."

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

Paige hated to see Emily so dejected about swimming. It was easy to see how much her recent minor dip in form was eating away at her, slipping through every now and then, sometimes in her expressions, sometimes in her words. It was easy to see Emily was doubting herself, and that only served to anger her, Paige aware it had little to do with Emily's actual ability and everything to do with Coach Moss's decision to bench her.

"You haven't talked to Coach Freeman, have you?"

"I don't need that kind of disappointment twice in one week."

"Your times are picking up."

"Yet I'm still a benchwarmer."

"Because Moss is an asshole, using you to prove some stupid point. Not because you deserve to be," Paige insisted. "Em, you're–"

"I don't need you to tell me how good I am, Paige."

Paige, cut off by Emily's words, couldn't help but sigh. They weren't harshly spoken, Paige even catching the briefest hint of a smile tugging onto Emily's lips, accompanying a familiar roll of the eyes. That was something, Paige supposed.

Still Paige couldn't help but feel a little deflated, unsure when exactly she'd become so predictable. It was hard not to be; her first instinct, whenever she saw Emily like this, was to remind her just how good she was. Because Emily was good. Better than good. Emily was the best swimmer Paige had ever come up against. Throughout most of her teens, infuriatingly so. Form dipped and peaked, that was natural. Paige was usually the one needing that reminder; Emily usually the one giving her it. Paige couldn't stand to see Emily so dejected, questioning her skill, knowing that the coach's decision to withdraw her from the roster had everything to do with timekeeping and nothing to do with her skill.

"Bu –"

"It's Coach Moss's opinion that matters. And she doesn't think I'm up to scratch."

"That's not true," Paige disagreed, though she swallowed down the urge to remind Emily exactly why she was up to scratch, taking in the look on Emily's face. Emily didn't need Paige to build her up. Tonight, all she really needed was for Paige to distract her.

"Paige–"

"I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else," Paige sighed, squeezing their entwined hands, her smile and words faltering as she looked down, realizing what she'd done. "Ah…"

 _When had that happened?_

Paige's first instinct was to pull away, though, the braver part of her reminded her there wasn't any reason to. Emily hadn't, Paige noted. Looking up, Paige was surprised to find Emily's eyes on hers. Paige wasn't entirely sure what she'd been expecting; Emily's face tugged into a pensive frown, perhaps, as she looked down at their entwined hands, or Emily looking elsewhere, oblivious to the affect the simple touch was having on Paige.

Whatever she'd expected, Paige wasn't expecting to find Emily smiling. The look they shared was brief, the smile Emily offered timid. Buoyed by the way Emily's grip tightened slightly, as if she could sense Paige was debating whether or not to pull away, Paige shifted a little closer. Their knees pressed together beneath the table. Steadying her breath to calm lingering nerves, Paige pulled their joined hands onto her lap, glancing to Emily to confirm she wasn't imagining things. That this was okay. Emily's attention had already returned to her menu, though the soft, shy smile remained.

Paige suddenly felt ridiculous again, though this time, she didn't mind it. The simplicity of the touch, now that Paige was allowing herself to finally acknowledge it, made her feel giddy. They'd held hands before. They'd held hands Monday night. But this was different. A similar sense of nervous anticipation rose within her, as it had on Monday as they'd wandered hand in hand, but the nerves Paige felt now didn't come with the same sense of apprehension. On Monday night, Paige had been waiting. Waiting for Emily to pull away, to change her mind, to let her down gently.

Something told Paige she didn't need to worry about that, just now.

"We can share."

"Huh?"

"Pizza. We can share."

"Thanks."

Paige smiled, looking back down at the menu, the tension that had lingered between them dissipating some as her focus returned to their options. Then Paige felt Emily turning her palm, slowly lacing their fingers together from a new angle, one that offered a fuller contact and Paige couldn't pretend she had any real interest in picking out food. Emily looked up to Paige and smiled, giving Paige's hand another soft squeeze.

Paige's eyes fell to their entwined hands and she almost found herself questioning it aloud. Almost. Maybe out of habit at this point, maybe out of fear, maybe simply because part of her wanted to. It still didn't feel quite real. A part of her still didn't quite trust that Emily could be so okay with it. Paige shook off those thoughts. There would no doubt be more questions between them as things continued to change, but for now, Paige just wanted to bask in the simplicity of it all.

The simplicity of holding each other's hand, just because they wanted to.

Paige smiled to herself, tightening her grip, running the pad of her thumb along the curve of Emily's palm, enjoying the softness, studying the shape. She set her menu down, allowing her gaze to fall to Emily completely, pushing past the familiar urge to look away, the fear of getting caught staring quelled by a feeling Paige couldn't quite place.

Paige didn't feel the need to hold back, as she had countless times before. Because Emily was sitting next to her, forehead crinkled, doggedly focused on the task at hand. She studied the menu like she'd study for an exam, as if she wasn't going to choose her go to pizza, as she did without fail each and every time they ended up somewhere even remotely Italian. The concentration was endearingly adorable.

Suddenly, Paige ached to kiss her. Maybe she'd only been waiting since Monday night to kiss Emily again, but she'd been waiting far longer than that, far longer than felt humanly possible, to kiss Emily the way she hoped she would at some point in the very near future. At some point tonight, if she was lucky. A kiss where there was no second guessing, no alcohol, no drawn out confessions beforehand, no emotions flaring to provoke it.

A kiss, simply because they wanted to kiss.

The ache may have felt familiar, but, unlike so many times before, it came accompanied by little anxiety and instead, with a spike of excitement. Paige realized that, finally, it was genuinely something of a possibility.

If the moment was right, Emily would kiss her back. The certainty Paige felt was almost terrifying. Terrifyingly wonderful.

Emily looked up, a perplexed though reassuringly amused smile tugging onto her lips as she found Paige staring intently. Paige felt a twinge of embarrassment, along with a familiar fleeting moment of panic, though persevered to let it wash over her, instead of reacting to it. It was no secret what she'd been caught doing and no secret why she'd gotten so lost when doing so. Still her gaze fell away bashfully, though she summoned the courage to look back up a moment later, offering Emily a small, not so apologetic shrug, all the while smiling softly.

Paige wanted to say it, what she had been to ignore how cheesy it would probably sound, to ignore the hesitancy trapping the words in her throat. She wished there was a way to tell Emily just how beautiful she was, without it sounding hollow or lame or worse.

Paige didn't speak, evidently not quite brave enough for that. Not just yet. She held Emily's gaze for a second longer, before allowing her gaze to fall away once more, settling on their entwined hands.

"Is this okay?"

Paige brushed her thumb across the back of Emily's hand, smiling. The assurance she was about to voice fell away once she looked up, realizing Emily was pointing to her menu and not referring to the fact they were holding hands. Paige's smile only grew wider with the realization, glad that finally, they appeared to be getting past the need to discuss every minor development in their relationship.

Paige faltered at the thought, the word, the idea of what 'relationship' could come to mean for the two of them leaving her both excited and nervous in equal measure.

"Paige?"

"Huh?"

"Is this okay?"

Paige looked down, partly to actually take in Emily's choice this time, for all she already knew what it likely was, partly to mask the mild blush creeping onto her cheeks at having managed to drift off yet again.

"It's perfect."

* * *

Paige's smile widened as Emily's hand came up to rest against her bicep as they walked arm in arm, a warmth spreading through her from with simplest of touches. She'd forever been hyperaware of even the briefest, most inconsequential contact between them, but tonight, her awareness seemed to have gone into overdrive.

It wasn't an unpleasant sensation, though Paige couldn't help but worry that it was noticeable. Not because she was concerned Emily would be able to pick up on it; that had to be a given, considering the fact she couldn't stop grinning like a goddamn fool whenever Emily so much as breathed in her direction tonight. Paige's only qualm was that it was potentially hindering her interactions; distracting her, even minutely, in a way that was making her seem distant, inattentive somehow.

Paige shook off the concern. Whilst the slightly awkward, tentative atmosphere had lingered between them throughout dinner, it hadn't impeded them. Their interactions were still cautious, though not in a way that concerned Paige. Whilst their conversations and their words had remained somewhat hesitant, it wasn't like before. Paige wasn't afraid of saying the wrong thing, anymore. Of giving herself away. She was only wary of going too far, too fast. And, whilst she was cautious to allow herself to hope, she couldn't help but feel that Emily's own caution was simply consequence of a similar harmless apprehension.

Most importantly, the longer the night had progressed, the more they began starting to feel like _them_ again. It hadn't fully occurred to Paige how much of a divide last Friday's events had forced between them, until now. Until they'd gotten the opportunity to work towards some sort of normalcy. It felt good, to be able to tease Emily again, to laugh with her, even to hold her hand, innocently, just to comfort her, like she would have done before her feelings were out in the open. It felt good, to hear Emily talking to her about anything and everything without any hesitancy, without every admission having some sort of double meaning.

"We should get ice cream."

Warmer than usual for early evening, Paige couldn't help but want the night to last a little longer, thankful that they'd been forced to park the car a slight walk away. It was a walk she'd spent so far trying to come up with something, anything, that would keep them away from the dorms a while longer.

Paige's smile widened as she waited for Emily's response, expecting a similar kind of rebuttal to the one she'd received in the restaurant when suggesting they split dessert. A frown tugged onto her lips then, worried for a moment then that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea, after all; going off-diet was clearly a sore topic for Emily tonight, and in truth, Paige knew she'd probably overdone it herself the past week, especially with a meet fast approaching.

"I could go for ice cream."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Alright," Paige shrugged off her surprise, instead tugging Emily forward by their linked arms, changing direction purposefully.

"Wait, shouldn't we be–"

"Nah," Paige shook her head, knowing what Emily was referring to. There was an ice cream parlor a few blocks ahead that would give them there fix. It would, but Paige had somewhere else in mind. If they backtracked a few blocks, they'd wind up somewhere even better. "I know a better place."

"I know the place you know," Emily stated, picking up her pace a little to ensure she kept in step with Paige. "Are you sure we have time?"

"We've got all the time in the world."

Paige slowed her pace, turning to meet Emily's gaze with an soft smile. She looked away, biting her lip.

"Look, I don't know about you," Paige swallowed, picking up the pace some more as she paused, her confidence, as it had done intermittently throughout the evening, waning a little, Paige needing a moment to gather herself again. "I don't really want this to end just yet."

Paige didn't turn to gauge Emily's reaction, somewhat paranoid that she'd crossed a line of sorts, that Emily would find some sort of implication in her choice of words. That she'd take 'this' to mean 'date' and take some sort of offence to it. For all Paige was eager for things to progress, to not hold back, she was aware everything between them was still delicate. She wasn't good with delicate. Yes, they were moving forward, finally, but the air between them was still fragile, Paige conscious to respect that.

"No."

Paige mustered up the courage to glance to the right as Emily spoke, a relieved smile tugging onto her lips as she found Emily smiling softly.

"Neither do I."

The walk went quicker than expected, Paige almost disappointed as the small window finally came into view, for all she knew there was little need to be. They would be driving home together, Emily lived across the hall; it wasn't as if they'd be parting ways the second their ice cream was gone. The queue itself, once they'd joined it, moved all too quickly for Paige's liking, the easy conversation she and Emily shared as they waited something she'd sorely missed.

"My treat," Paige stilled Emily's hand as she reached for her purse, shooting her a look that meant she wouldn't be taking no for answer. She smiled as Emily simply nodded, turning her attention to the cashier, mostly to pay, but partly to shy away from the slightest hint of a question in Emily's gaze.

 _Is this a date?_

Emily didn't voice the question. Paige wasn't sure she was reading too much into things by assuming that was what the fleeting glance meant, unsure if that was even what Emily was thinking. _So what if she was?_ Paige reminded herself as she collected her change, following Emily across the street.

If Emily was asking herself that, she wasn't voicing the question out loud. And most importantly, if Emily was thinking that, the possibility didn't seem to be bothering her.

Paige shook of the thoughts as she settled down beside Emily, who'd decided to settle on a small grass verge across the street. Paige turned her focus to the refreshingly comfortable silence surrounding them as they began to eat.

"So. Sydney's a real sap, huh?"

Emily rolled her eyes at the question, nudging Paige lightly with her shoulder.

"I think they're sweet."

"Yeah," Paige conceded, pausing as she took a mouthful. "They are sickeningly cute."

"I mean it," Emily said, pausing as she went in for a spoonful. "How lucky must you have to be to find that? To meet some guy in your first year of high school and–"

"And what?"

"You know," Emily shrugged, turning her attention back to her ice cream, seemingly not entirely concerned about finishing her train of thought. "Having him end up being…'the one'."

" _The one,"_ Paige hummed, feeling Emily nudging her again, a little more roughly, the action inciting an apologetic smile. Paige wasn't sure why she'd chosen to poke fun at Emily's choice of words. She agreed. How lucky must you have to be?

"Things can change at any moment, I know that. I'm not saying it's all fairytales and happy endings and blah, blah, blah," Emily elaborated, Paige chuckling a little at her choice of words. "I just…I mean they're so solid, you know. It's reassuring."

"Reassuring?"

"I don't know. To know that still exists," Emily shrugged, pausing momentarily, as if unsure about what she wanted to say next. "I figured it was just something that only existed in my parents' generation you know? That that sort of thing is something that's dying out."

"I get what you mean. I think."

Paige could see Emily's point. Hardly any of their friends from high school were still with their high school sweethearts. It was hardly a huge mandate to base an opinion from, but what Sydney and Jacob shared certainly seemed unique.

"It does seem…rare."

"Like I said, how lucky must you have to be?"

"Sometimes, things just work out," Paige shrugged herself, unsure why she felt a sudden unease.

It wasn't unease, she realized. Not entirely. She'd simply acknowledged that she and Emily had met in their first year of high school, after all. The acknowledgment made Paige felt strangely exposed. Paige knew it was hardly any secret, anymore, just how much she wanted things to 'work out' between them.

"I guess they do."

Emily turned her attention back to her ice cream. She paused, the hesitation drawing Paige's attention back to her. She watched as Emily opened her mouth to say something, turning to Paige, her gaze, as it did so often lately, falling away before she found the courage to speak. Paige couldn't help but wonder if Emily had made the same kind of comparisons, though she knew better than to ask.

"Anyway," Emily began, stretching her legs out in front of her. "This hasn't been so bad, has it? Just the two of us?"

"No," Paige agreed, biting her lip to suppress a smile. "Not bad at all."

Paige smiled as she watched Emily licking the ice cream that had begun to melt down her thumb, before returning her attentions intently to the tub in hand. She knew the small detour had been the right choice. They'd discovered the window by chance on one of their first nights in California, wandering mostly aimlessly, scoping out the area and getting a feel for their new surroundings, adjusting to the change.

"You're melting."

As to emphasize her point, Emily reached out, scraping her spoon around the rim of Paige's tub, taking a dollop from the top for good measure.

"Mmm," Emily hummed through the mouthful, lifting her hand to cover her mouth as she spoke. "That's _good_."

"Hey," Paige swatted Emily's spoon away as she moved in for seconds, pulling her tub back defensively.

"You're the one that wanted to share."

"Yeah, a dessert made for two," Paige explained, trying to keep her expression deadly serious. "I remember the last time you conned me into 'sharing' my fudge caramel, Fields. You left yours to melt away to nothing while eating all of mine. No way am I making that mistake again."

"Whatever," Emily scoffed, turning her attention back to her own tub.

Paige swirled the rapidly liquidizing ice cream around with her spoon, scooting a little closer to Emily. She wasn't sure what compelled her to do it, or why her heartbeat began to quicken. Sticking to her newfound resolve not to overthink things, she took in a breath, gathering up a decent sized spoonful, before clearing her throat.

"Here."

Emily was midway through a mouthful of her own when she looked up, eyeing the spoon Paige held up towards her mouth curiously. Paige worried at that point, almost by instinct, but again, resolved not to falter. _Relax._ Emily leant forward to accept the offering, Paige's stomach dipping in time with the spoon, her eyes following the movement. The hand holding her spoon lingered in midair as if in some sort of stupor when Emily eventually pulled away, licking her lips.

"Mmhm," Emily hummed once again, eyes falling to the tub in Paige's other hand as she reached over, taking a spoonful of her own. "Yours is definitely better."

"I am a woman of fine taste."

Emily coughed out a laugh through a mouthful, shaking her head.

"You're definitely something, alright."

Paige winked, taking another bite as Emily chuckled softly beside her.

"Thank you, by the way. For tonight."

"It was your idea."

"To hang out," Emily agreed. "It was your idea to get out for a while. I needed it. And I think you knew that."

"I'm glad you've had a good time."

Paige decided that would suffice. She didn't need to tell Emily she knew, nor did she think Emily was ready to talk about exactly why she'd wanted to get away for a while, not just yet. That would come later, Paige was sure.

"Here," Paige held out her tub almost instinctively. "Switch."

Emily obliged happily, the smile widening on Paige's face as she took in just how content Emily was as she tucked in to the remainder of Paige's ice cream. Paige took in the contents of the tub she'd just been handed, chuckling to herself, noting she'd been dealt a raw deal; it was considerably emptier than her own.

"Paige?"

Paige looked up distractedly, scraping her spoon around the edges of the cup, trying to get the last of it before it melted.

"Everything okay?"

Emily seemed to falter, a stab of concern flashing through Paige at the sight.

"Is this a date?"

Paige wavered, thrown by the question.

"A date?"

"Yeah," Emily nodded, looking away somewhat sheepishly. "It's just…you know."

"Ah…"

"Actually, forget I said that. Never mind."

"No," Paige shook her head, shuffling closer. "Do you…I mean, why do you ask?"

Emily shrugged, then, as if sensing that wasn't going to cut it, turned, meeting Paige's gaze briefly, before letting it fall away. The action sent a familiar jolt of concern through Paige's chest, combined with a familiar sense of frustration.

"Well, the restaurant. It was so…"

"Cozy?"

"Romantic."

"Oh."

Paige frowned, unsure if to Emily, that was a good or a bad thing.

"I guess it was. Yeah, romantic."

"I liked it," Emily mused, looking up at Paige briefly.

"Right."

Paige swallowed, unsure if Emily meant she simply liked the vibe of the place, or if she liked the fact they were somewhere romantic, together.

"Sydney really did pick it out. And she really was going to come with us, honestly. I didn't just tell you that so you'd come. I wasn't trying to…to…"

"Trick me into going on a date with you?"

"Right."

Emily nodded, studying Paige for a moment before turning her attention back to her ice cream.

"Do you want this to be a date?"

"I…"

Emily opened her mouth to respond, though the way she appeared to struggle with her words hardly filled Paige with confidence.

"Do you?"

Paige felt irked by Emily's decision to level the question back at her, though, in truth, she wasn't entirely surprised by it. She shook her head, refusing to get bogged down by it. Wasn't that what they'd done all too often lately? Gotten caught up, going over and over the finer details? Refusing to give straight answers?

"No."

"Oh."

Paige's kicked herself inwardly for blurting out her answer so bluntly, shaking her head as she watched Emily's face fall, running a hand across her face in frustration.

In for ten, out for ten.

 _Breathe._

"I mean…I don't mean _no,"_ Paige rambled, trying to explain herself better, trying to correct her mistake. "I want to go on dates with you."

"You do?"

"Of course I do," Paige looked away, feeling her cheeks burn at the admission. "I just don't want this to be a date."

"Right."

It wasn't hard to hear Emily's confusion.

"I mean…I want to, you know, be _aware_ of any dates we have, before they're actually happening," Paige explained, looking to Emily briefly, before feeling the need to look away once more. "I want them to be…"

"Planned?"

"Special."

"Oh."

Paige shoulders slumped as silence quickly washed over them once more. She had hoped the time alone tonight would give them the chance to clear the air. To move past the awkwardness and uncertainty that had been dogging them down recently and get back to how things used to be. And it had. It had worked, to a point. The ride to the restaurant had been pleasant, they'd talked easily over dinner. They'd ate and they'd laughed and they'd held hands. They'd walked arm in arm, giggled over ice cream. Shared looks that said _something,_ something that Paige couldn't quite find the word for, but something that filled her with excitement and butterflies and contentment, all the same.

And now she'd decided to go and open her big mouth.

Paige took a deep breath, before releasing a heavy sigh. She knew she needed to stop doing that. Doubting herself.

"Tonight has felt pretty special to me."

Emily's words were soft, almost as if she hadn't really intended for Paige to hear them. They cut Paige off before she had the chance to speak, surprised that Emily herself had decided to.

"I know it hasn't seemed like much. But I really did need to get out for a while. And…"

"And?" Paige couldn't help but press Emily as she hesitated.

"I've missed you."

Paige's initial reaction was to balk at the statement. She'd always been right there, even when there was a disconnect between them. But she understood what Emily was saying. So much of the past week had left them disjointed, their relationship fractured. Over the course of the night, for all it was by no means smooth sailing, it was easy to feel that disconnect beginning to heal and their bond beginning to strengthen, once again.

"I've missed you, too."

Emily reached out, lacing her free hand together with Paige's, smiling softly.

"You're melting. Again."

Emily slid closer, swiping her thumb, gathering up the melting ice cream from the side of Paige's pot as if to emphasize her point. It was lost on Paige, her brain short-circuiting the second Emily lifted her thumb to her lips, licking the ice cream away. Paige swallowed, mesmerized by the simplicity of the action.

"Go out with me?"

Paige refused to be deterred by the way Emily's head shot up at the question, or by the slightly deer-in-headlights look she was greeted with as their eyes met. It was a simple enough question. One that she hadn't really had full control over, as it fell from her lips. It was a question she was bound to have had to ask at some point, though admittedly, she hadn't thought it would be this soon. Swallowing, she persevered.

"I mean on Friday," Paige clarified, wondering for a moment if Emily's surprise was due to a misunderstanding. She wasn't asking her to go steady. She just wanted a real date. "Tomorrow. Go on a date with me? A real date."

"A real date?"

"A real date."

Paige refused to give in to the nerves rising up within her, threatening to derail her. Emily wasn't stalling, Paige tried to assure herself. She was just thrown by the question.

Paige hoped, at least.

"Would you like that?"

 _Please say yes._

"Yeah," Emily spoke softly, looking down at her pot, swirling her spoon around for a moment, Paige encouraged by the smile pulling onto Emily's lips as she nodded to herself, as if answering a silent question. "Yes. I'd like that."

"Okay," Paige let out the breath she'd been holding, a relieved smile tugging onto her lips, hearing Emily release a nervous chuckle of her own. "Really?"

"Yes, Paige," Emily answered, more decisively than she had before. "I'd love to go on a date with you."

"Are you sure?" Paige felt a pang of regret as the question fell from her lips, asking it by impulse. "I'm not saying that I don't believe you, it's just…I know this is all still pretty new? That you have your apprehensions. And I meant what I said on Monday. That's fine. I don't want to rush. I don't want you to feel pressured, so if you'd rather wait–"

"I don't want to wait," Emily cut Paige off.

"Okay," Paige nodded, shrugging off the mild urge to question Emily further, remembering that she was tired of that particular kind of conversation. The kind they had slowly tortured themselves with, over the past weekend.

"I mean it. I want to go out with you," Emily assured her anyway, squeezing Paige's hand as she set her cup aside, part of Paige sensing Emily was assuring herself, as much as she was trying to reassure Paige. Paige didn't let it dampen her elation; it was still a yes. "I know I said I was afraid of how things might change. And I am. I really am."

Paige nodded as Emily continued. She understood.

"But that doesn't mean I don't want things to change. Or for things to…develop. I just really need you to know that. I know I haven't been exactly as clear as I could be, about that," Emily swallowed, meeting Paige's gaze. "I won't be scared forever. And until then, I guess I just…"

Paige waited with bated breath.

"Well, I just need to be a little more like you."

"More like me?"

Paige's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Like me how?"

Emily's eyes met hers, an alarmingly unfamiliar look there. Unfamiliar, but not threatening. Alarming, not the correct word. Paige didn't have time to think of the right one. Emily slowly began edging closer, licking her lips, before eventually pressing them softly to Paige's.

The kiss was soft, though what it lacked in pressure it made up for in impact, Paige's entire body humming as slowly, painfully slowly, Emily's lips began to move against her own. Chastely, but purposefully. They were cold, thanks to the ice cream, though still soft, delicate.

"Paige?" Emily's words were breathless, almost silent, as she pulled back.

"Yeah?"

"Breathe."

Paige's puffed out a laugh, realizing suddenly how tense she'd become. She didn't have chance to heed Emily's advice, eager lips meeting her own once more. Paige's mind fogged the longer the kiss lingered, spinning with the sheer eagerness in which Emily was kissing her.

Paige had waited all week for this kiss. Longer. Months, years. A lifetime, for Emily to kiss her like this. A kiss, simply because they wanted to kiss. A kiss, Paige realized, simply because Emily wanted to kiss her. _Emily_ was kissing her. It Emily's, sober, conscious decision to lean in. Once and then twice. Paige hummed into the kiss, reaching out for Emily's hand, willing the touch to ground her in reality. Reminding her, this was real.

* * *

Climbing the stairs up to their respective rooms didn't feel as laborious as it had done over the past few days. Paige's muscles retained their ache from that day's practice, her mind beginning to succumb to the exhaustion from the day's classes, though her body remained light. There was no secret as to why; that was down to Emily, climbing the stairs alongside her, holding her hand.

Paige wasn't sure if she'd ever tire of the sensation, if she'd ever stop grinning like a fool whenever her eyes fell to their joined hands. The night they shared would have surpassed her wildest expectations, if she'd even had any to begin with. It had certainly surpassed the hopes she'd harbored as she'd sat waiting for Emily to return from the restrooms. Paige felt a slight twinge of sadness, knowing the night was coming to an end. Despite that, an increasingly familiar, nervous excitement remained, Paige knowing that tomorrow, they could do it all over again.

Officially.

Emily slowed their pace as they arrived outside their respective doorways, retaining her grip on Paige's hand as they came to a stop.

"Well, this is me."

Paige laughed nervously, looking away to mask her lingering grin.

"And that's me."

"Thank you, again. For tonight," Emily's words were soft, earnest.

Paige looked up, intent on brushing off the thanks, though the look Emily gave her, the sincerity and affection in her gaze, stalled her. Instead Paige took a step forward, swallowing. Emily's eyes grew wide, Paige noting the way her breath caught as she waited. Waited, Paige realized, for her to act.

 _Just do it,_ Paige implored herself. _Be brave._

Paige leant in, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to Emily's lips.

"I've had a really great time," Paige spoke in almost a whisper as she pulled back, rubbing the back of her neck nervously, still a little taken aback that this was actually happening.

"Me too."

Emily smiled, stepping forward to pull Paige into a hug, Paige content in her assumption that Emily was keen to stall their goodbye as much as she was.

"I'll see you at practice?"

"Yeah," Emily nodded, reluctantly dropping Paige's hand. "Text me in the morning?"

"I'll make sure you're up," Paige promised, smile widening once again. It was something of a routine between them, one that had all but disappeared lately. She was glad Emily had requested it; another small sign that, for all the changes between them, they were getting back to how they used to be, again, too.

"Thanks."

Paige nodded, loitering still.

"Well, goodnight Em."

"Goodnight."

Paige turned reluctantly, fishing around in her pocket for her keys.

"Wait."

Paige felt a hand on her arm, prompting her to turn around.

"Do you think Jacob is still here?"

"Oh."

Paige paused; lost in the euphoria brought on by the night they'd shared, she'd all but forgotten about Jacob's surprise visit.

She took a step towards the doorway, testing the handle tentatively, slowly, as to not alert Sydney and Jacob to her presence if they were in fact still inside. Locked. She took a step closer, pressing her ear to the door.

" _Oh,"_ Paige took a step back hastily, turning to Emily with an awkward smile. "Yup. They're definitely still in there."

"Oh," Emily nodded, laughing as she acknowledged what Paige must have overheard.

Paige pulled out her phone, remembering the notification she'd gotten a while earlier, a text from Sydney she'd ignored at the time, as caught up in Emily as she was. Sure enough, Sydney had sent a polite request, more accurately a warning, that she wanted their room to herself for the night.

"I guess I'm heading to the rec room," Paige mused, suppressing a yawn. "Do you want to come with?"

"I'm pretty beat," Emily explained, motioning to her room. "Though, you know, Deb probably isn't home, if you want to…"

Emily let the invitation trail off.

"You can stay over."

"Sure," Paige nodded, clearing her throat. "That'd be...sure."

"We could get an early night," Emily suggested, eyes slowly widening as she realized the potential insinuation in her words.

Paige would have laughed, had her mind not made the same connotation.

"To sleep."

Paige let out a soft laugh at Emily's hasty addition, nodding.

"Thanks."

Paige couldn't help but feel a spike in her nerves as Emily turned, unlocking the door. An intimate restaurant was one thing; an empty bedroom was entirely another. Paige knew nothing was going to happen. It was too soon, she was too tired. Still, it was difficult not to notice the change in the air as the door clicked shut behind them, a weight of misplaced expectation suddenly hanging over them.

Paige set her jacket aside, watching as Emily began tossing things unceremoniously off her bed, tugging the sheets straight. She stood back, studying the bed closely, seemingly oblivious to Paige standing awkwardly still by the doorway.

"I'll just," Emily motioned towards the door, grabbing her toiletry bag as she moved past Paige. "Feel free to change. Grab anything."

And with that, Emily was gone.

Paige sucked in a breath.

In for ten, out for ten.

 _Breathe._

Paige had a sneaking suspicion it wasn't going to be as simple as that. Waiting for Emily to return from the restroom was one thing. Waiting for Emily to crawl into bed with her, was another.

This was all Sydney's fault.

Again.

Paige made her way to Emily's dresser, deciding to distract herself with the practical task of finding something to wear to bed. She paused when her eyes landed on something familiar, a questioning smile tugging onto her lips as she picked up the shirt from the floor.

Paige recognised the Shark's particular shade of blue, the emblem of their high school team coming into view as she held the t-shirt out, taking it in. Paige tugged off her shirt quickly in case Emily returned and caught her in a state of undress, keen to avoid any chance of that scenario, keen to avoid considering why, before tugging on the shirt. She found a pair of shorts, tugging off her jeans and slipping into them, before climbing into bed.

Emily's bed.

Paige swallowed.

As tired as she was, something told her she wasn't going to get a restful night's sleep.

Paige rolled onto her side, eyes falling to Deb's bed, pursing her lips as she wondered if perhaps she should have opted to sleep there. Deb likely wasn't coming home. Paige rolled onto her back once again, puffing out a sigh. She wouldn't usually have any qualms about sleeping in Emily's bed, in her room. Not that Sydney turfed her out often. Jacob's visits were few and far between, Paige used to having their room to herself more often than not whilst Sydney was away, visiting him.

She'd slept in Emily's bed before. Though, Paige acknowledged, that was when they were just friends. It finally, fully hit her; they weren't just friends, anymore.

The door opened and closed with a soft click, Paige opening her eyes, watching as Emily began moving about the room wordlessly, sorting out her things for the morning. Paige wanted to believe she was just being paranoid, but the longer she watched, the more Emily seemed to avoid her presence, Paige's stomach dropping as she acknowledged just how self-conscious Emily appeared.

"I can sleep in Deb's bed, if you'd rather I…"

Paige let the suggestion trail off, berating herself inwardly for assuming Emily would want to sleep with her.

"No," Emily waved her off, finally meeting Paige's gaze, though it quickly fell away again, her attention returning to her duffle bag as she unceremoniously stuffed her warm up suit inside. "No, you're fine."

"Okay."

Paige nodded, mostly to herself, reminding herself that she needed to stop questioning every little thing.

Eventually Emily made her way across the room, clicking off the main light before making her way back to the bed. Paige swallowed hard as the mattress dipped, Emily sliding in alongside her. Emily mirrored Paige, lying on her back, the room illuminated only by her desk light. Paige was unable to fully determine how best to describe the atmosphere around them, frowning as she considered that 'awkward' would likely cover it.

Paige shook off her apprehension, allowing her eyes to drift closed. The day was fast catching up with her and if she had of made it to her own bed, Paige knew full well she'd already have conked out by now. Paige's eyes opened once more with a sigh. That knowledge didn't stop the nerves coursing through her.

"Hey."

Paige rolled over, resting her head on her hand. She reached out, intending to take Emily's hand from where it lay against her chest, before deciding against it.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Emily brushed off Paige's concern, rolling onto her side to face her. She reached out, taking Paige's free hand in her own, Paige sinking into the contact. "Honestly? This just feels a little…"

"Strange."

"Different," Emily offered, her eyes zoning in on their joined hands, brow furrowed in thought.

"Hey," Paige said softly once again, silently prompting Emily to look at her. "I meant what I said. If you want me to–"

"I want you here."

"I want to be here."

"Then were good. That's that sorted then," Emily mused, meeting Paige's gaze fully, the sheer ridiculousness of the conversation they were sharing prompting them to fall into a fit of laughter.

Paige smiled as the laughter faded, glad that it had eased some of the tension, glad that she wasn't the only one struggling to fully get past the surrealness of the current situation.

"I didn't realise you still had this," Paige broke the silence that had befallen them, tugging lightly at the Shark's t-shirt she was wearing. She broke into a wry smile "You told me you'd lost it."

The shirt was Paige's. She'd known the second she'd tugged it on, thanks to the hole in the collar. Emily had borrowed after an evening practice during high school and Paige hadn't seen it since.

"I lied," Emily admitted with a smile, reaching out to run her hand along the edge of the fabric, Paige's breath catching at the touch.

"Emily Fields," Paige smirked. "I never had you pegged as a thief."

"It reminds me of home," Emily mused softly, laying her hand against Paige's chest, swallowing.

Paige hoped Emily couldn't feel the erratic beat of her heart, her breathing laboured as she adjusted to the modest touch.

"It reminds me of you."

There was a question poised on the tip of Paige's tongue, though one she didn't voice. Didn't care to. It was moments like these that she'd usually question if Emily knew how her words sounded, knew what they could easily come to mean in Paige's mind. Something about Emily's gaze told her that there was little doubt in Emily's mind, that she'd meant it the way Paige had heard it.

Paige hoped she was right to hope so. To hope that to Emily she felt like home, as Emily did to her. Emily, the sole reason she'd never once felt homesick, since arriving in California. Emily, who'd always been home to her, whenever she'd felt lost. In Rosewood, California; anywhere was home, when Emily was with her.

"Paige?" Emily murmured, still fiddling with the collar of Paige's t-shirt, eyes glued to her fingers like her life depended on it. Emily's reluctance to meet her gaze made Paige's nerves spike once more.

"Yeah?"

"Tonight…it was a date, wasn't it?"

Paige puffed out a laugh, eyes flitting to Emily's cautiously as she considered in the question.

"I–"

"I know you didn't plan it to be," Emily interjected. "But it was, wasn't it?"

"Do you want it to be?"

Paige held Emily's gaze, daring her to avoid the question again. Daring her to answer it.

"Yeah," Emily admitted, Paige watching the muscles in her throat move as she swallowed, something about the answer, her tone, thick with emotion. It made Paige's stomach flip. "Yeah, I want it to be."

"Yeah?"

Paige watched Emily nod, biting her lip to suppress a grin. Paige made no such efforts to mask the grin of her own spreading across her face, practically beaming from the release Emily's answer offered her. Emily edged closer, Paige's breath hitching as she realised what Emily was intending to do.

"Wait."

It took every ounce of Paige's self-esteem to pull back, her words strained from the effort. Emily's eyes were wide with concern, with confusion, Paige struck by a qualm of guilt as she schooled her expression, feigning seriousness.

"I don't kiss on the first date."

Emily scoffed out a disbelieving laugh, shoving Paige's shoulder as her expression twisted from concern to relief.

" _Paige."_

"Sorry."

Emily rolled her eyes, Paige unable to suppress a smirk, aware it was clearly obvious she wasn't very sorry at all.

"And here I thought we were having a moment."

"A moment?" Paige's grin only grew wider.

Emily huffed, though Paige didn't panic, catching the hint of a smile creeping out from beneath Emily's feigned annoyance.

Paige edged closer, brushing the hair from Emily's face, swallowing hard as she met the Emily's gaze, her voice dropping into an involuntarily husk as she spoke.

"Go on then," Paige swallowed, stomach dipping at the way Emily's eyes seemed to darken. "Kiss me."

A brief flash of acknowledgement graced Emily's features as she slowly closed the distance, the atmosphere shifting from light and playful to something far more daring.

Paige hummed into the kiss once their lips met, her mind whirring in the best possible way as she sank into the contact. The kiss was softer than she'd expected, given the want practically burning throughout her. Emily's eyes were hazy as she pulled back, her hand cupping Paige's cheek, her thumb brushing the skin there softly before leaning in once again.

They shared a sober look when they eventually broke apart, the reality of everything that had transpired over the course of the evening finally catching up to them. It was overwhelming, but reassuring, too.

"We should get some sleep."

Paige nodded in agreement. It was getting late. She leant in, unable to resist the urge to press a kiss to Emily's cheek, though she was caught by surprise as Emily turned, closing the distance between them once more. Emily placed one last, soft kiss to her lips, before rolling over and clicking out the light.

Paige rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling, puffing out a breath of disbelief.

This couldn't be real.

"Paige?"

Paige tilted her head at the question, a fairly pointless action, given that Emily was facing away from her.

"Yeah?"

Emily turned slightly, opening her mouth to speak, stalling. She repeated the motion once again, Paige's brow furrowing, a lump of worry forming in her throat as Emily continued to try and fail to find her words.

"Would you mind…"

Emily sighed, looking at Paige briefly. Taking Paige off guard she reached out, grabbing Paige's arm, before rolling back onto her side, tugging Paige along with her, Paige's grin returning as she realised what Emily had been attempting to say. To ask for.

Paige obliged the silent, slightly exasperated request, wrapping her arm around Emily's waist, tugging her closer. She inhaled deeply, heady from the sensation of Emily's body pressed so closely against her own, from the smell of Emily's shampoo and the grip Emily had on her wrist, holding her in place.

Paige's eyes opened, again, restless in her disbelief. It didn't feel real. Wonderful, but surreal.

 _It couldn't be real._

Emily shifted, shuffling backwards, eliminating the minimal space between them. Paige didn't miss the soft, contented sigh Emily released as her grip tightened around her waist. Paige inhaled, breathing out slowly, silently reminding herself there was no reason to doubt what she knew to be true. Not anymore.

It was.

This was real.


	14. Chapter 14

_Sorry for the big gap in between updates. It's been a struggle to get back into writing this story (both of my stories) but it's felt really good to get back into both reading and writing Paily again. I've missed them. This chapter is a lot longer than I intended it to be, but I really wanted everything that happens within it to come from Emily's POV. I hope the additional length makes up for the wait. I've mapped out the next few chapters and hope to bring this story to a close over the next few updates (hopefully sporadically over the next couple of months)._

 _Thank you as always for your patience and for sticking with this story, as well as all the reviews, PM's and kind words on the previous chapters. Until next time :)_

* * *

 **Part Fourteen.**

 _4.04am._

A weak groan emanated from Emily's throat at the sight before her. Waking before her alarm had a chance to blare was rare. Waking up more than an hour beforehand was rarer. Her eyes fluttered shut as quickly as they'd opened, her mind groggy, eyelids heavy.

 _4.05am._

The same red numbers greeted Emily as her eyes flickered open once more, a soft, acquiescing sigh falling from her lips at the sight. For all the strong pull of sleep still tugged persuasively at her, even as her eyelids, still heavy, continued to drift shut, reluctant to stay open, Emily's body was frustratingly, unquestionably awake. She wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse. An extra hour or so was certainly preferred, though given her minor issues with timekeeping recently getting up earlier and getting to practice ahead of time would be a good thing, Emily supposed. And not being woken up by her alarm blaring out, one of her least favorite sounds, was an added bonus.

Waking up so early had little to do with being punctual at practice, of course. There was an unmistakable sheen of sweat coating Emily's skin, an irrefutable flush to her cheeks. Her sheets, as they were most nights, were tugged up around her in a sort of cocoon; always comforting throughout the night, always suffocating come the morning. That was nothing new. Usually, Emily would toss the sheets back as soon as she woke, eager to cool herself down and find a comfortable temperature, one that would allow her to drift back to sleep. This morning, however, she wasn't alone.

This morning there was Paige.

They hadn't moved much throughout the night, Emily noted. She swallowed as her mind began to fully stir from its slumber, now conscious enough to acknowledge the arm still wrapped tight around her waist and the palm flat against her stomach, fingertips tucked loosely beneath her torso. Paige's breath, slow and even, tickled the nape of her neck. Emily could feel the steady rise and fall of Paige's chest, her front flush against Emily's back, it clear Paige was still sleeping soundly behind her.

Emily's initial reaction was to move. That was something that jarred in her mind; the _last_ thing she wanted to do was move away from Paige's warm, calming embrace.

Emily refused to give in to the fleeting urge. She knew it was merely something she'd conditioned herself to do over the years; to pull away whenever she felt like Paige was getting too close, or more accurately whenever her feelings for Paige flew too close to the surface. Emily didn't want to be worrying about that anymore. After everything, she knew she didn't need to.

Whatever it was that rose within Emily whenever she fully acknowledged what was happening, Emily understood now that it wasn't something she needed to keep getting stuck on. Not now she knew how good it felt once she pushed past those initial reactions; reactions she'd merely conditioned herself to feel over the years. Reactions that had little bearing on what she wanted now.

Emily shuffled backwards, a soft smile tugging onto her lips as the movement garnered the desired response; Paige curling further into her. Emily took in a deep breath, allowing her eyes to close once again, focusing her attention on the steady rise and fall of Paige's chest. She endeavored to match the pattern with her own breathing, willing the rhythm to lull her back to sleep. It worked, albeit slowly, Emily's breathing gradually evening out. Emily was aware she likely wouldn't get any more sleep now she was awake, but it didn't really matter. The contentment she felt was overwhelming, just lying there in Paige's arms.

Emily took a moment to take in that feeling, to bask in it and to remind herself, as she had done numerously over the past few days, to let those initial fleeting reactions pass. They were old habits, old habits that would be hard to shake whilst the shift in their dynamic was still so new. Whilst the shift in their _relationship_ was so new, Emily made herself acknowledge the term. That's what this was, after all. That's where things, hopefully, were heading.

Paige stirred briefly behind her and Emily stilled, unsure if she was ready for Paige to be awake yet, for the cocoon she'd surrounded herself with, Paige included, to be broken. The arm around her waist loosened momentarily before Paige curled into her further, her palm sliding up flat against Emily's stomach, Paige's thumb lightly grazing the skin beneath the hem of her shirt where it had lifted.

Emily swallowed. An unmistakable jolt of want coursed through her at the simplest of touches, Emily almost embarrassed by just how prevalent it was now she'd been forced to acknowledge it. Her hand covered Paige's, lacing their fingers together, intending to move Paige's hand back to where it was before; the much safer, simpler position, above her shirt. Instead she found herself holding their entwined hands flat against the bare skin of her naval, Paige's skin cold against her own.

Emily sucked in her breath, suddenly considering that perhaps the sheets and Paige's proximity weren't the sole reasons for just how hot she felt this morning.

With that, Emily did move. She dropped Paige's hand, tugging back the sheets and sucking in a deep, steadying breath. Cool air met burning skin, the sensation a welcome relief. Emily rolled onto her back with a little difficultly, quickly turning her attention to Paige, concerned she may have disturbed her, the single bed offering little room to maneuver.

Paige's grip around her waist had fallen away, though she hadn't stirred, much to Emily's surprise. Paige wasn't a deep sleeper, not usually, anyway. Emily studied Paige for a moment, still sleeping soundly, her face burrowed into their shared pillow. The position looked incredibly uncomfortable, though she found it endearing all the same. The sight compelled Emily to reach out, stroking the skin of Paige's forearm delicately, still mindful not to wake her.

Again, Emily felt an impulse to move. Not to move away; Emily was under no further illusion that she wanted that in any way, but to look away. Something within her ached at the sight of Paige like that, sleeping so soundly, so contently alongside her. It was a pain in her chest she wasn't used to. Emily's breath hitched, realizing it wasn't pain she was feeling at all.

Emily rolled onto her side, facing Paige fully. She ignored the voice in the back of her mind telling her that perhaps it was time to get up, or at least to turn away, incase Paige woke up and caught her staring. It was just so difficult not to.

Emily followed her instincts, instincts urging her to reach out and brush the hair from Paige's face, stray wisps that had fallen free of her loose bun at some point throughout the night. Emily let the touch linger, reveling in the softness. She wasn't sure if she'd ever noticed how soft Paige's hair was before. She wasn't sure why she would have, but she knew now, Emily allowing herself a moment to run her fingers to run through it, long after the loose strands were tucked away. Emily's movements paused when Paige's brow crumpled as if in protest at the contact, before her lips twitched into a soft smile, Paige's expression only serving to accentuate how adorable she looked in that very moment. Emily let her hand to fall away, again reluctant to wake her just yet. She wanted the moment to just take Paige in.

Emily hadn't given much thought to what the morning would be like for them after the night they'd shared before. She was expecting things to be a little awkward, though thankfully, not in the painful, debilitating way it had been lately. In a more tentative, uncertain, even exciting kind of way. Emily swallowed, feeling a flutter of nerves in her stomach along with that thought. _Exciting._ Excitement, Emily suddenly came to accept, was something she was actually feeling. Alongside the fears and the worries and the daunting desires, Emily was irrefutably excited about what was happening between them. For what was to come.

Emily hadn't expected what had occurred the night before. She hadn't expected a lot of things lately, but was finally learning that sometimes, unexpected could be really, _really_ good. As long as she had the courage to give into it.

Paige shifted slightly, her head nuzzling further into their shared pillow, Emily's chest swelling at the sight. Even like this, face mushed and hair tousled, Paige was still breathtaking. And all Emily could seem to do then was kick herself, kick herself for not realizing sooner just how much she wanted Paige.

Just how much she loved her.

It felt senseless to try and deny it. It was almost incomprehensible to Emily now; how she'd managed to deny it for so long. How oblivious she'd managed to be to something she'd always known. And as terrifying as it was, as intimidating as it was to even think about it, Emily knew without question that she was feeling it. And for all that realization came with its own very real form of panic, it came accompanied by a very welcome sense of relief. She wasn't hiding it from herself anymore. She wasn't denying what she felt for Paige from herself anymore.

Emily ignored the slight shake of her hand as she reached out once more, tracing the curve of Paige's cheek briefly, before again brushing back her hair. Allowing herself to give in to her desires before dawn broke throughout the room and the courage darkness afforded her abandoned her, Emily leant forward, pressing the softest of kisses to Paige's cheek. Paige murmured something intelligible at the touch and, without giving herself time to overthink it, Emily gave in to the urge to continue, pressing her lips to the corner of Paige's mouth. Her breath was shaky as she pulled back, Paige's lip twitching at the contact.

"Morning."

The words were merely a whisper, though hearing them aloud was enough to bring Emily to her senses. Her cheeks tinged red as she watched Paige begin to stir before her, suddenly embarrassed, unsure why on earth she'd opted to wake Paige up that way.

Emily held her breath as Paige buried her face further into the pillow, her brow furrowing as she yawned, torn between wanting Paige to acknowledge the affection she'd just given her and wanting Paige to be totally oblivious.

"Was that real?"

Emily let out a laugh, the tension falling from her body the instant she heard the words, hoarse and muffled, fall from Paige's lips. Inside, her heart, already racing, began to ache. It ached because for all a playful smile tugged onto Paige's lips as she asked the question, she hadn't opened her eyes yet. There was a vulnerability to Paige's tone that didn't appear to be purely the product of sleep, one that, coupled with Paige's inability to look at her, negated the sincerity of the question beneath the laughter.

Emily was starting to realize that one of the most unnerving things about what was happening between them was just how easily she could see it now; what Paige felt for her. Just how strongly she could feel what she felt for Paige.

Emily swallowed, shaking off that thought. She chose not to answer Paige's question and instead after a moments hesitation leant in, pressing her lips against Paige's softly, finishing what she'd started now that Paige was awake. Paige hummed into the kiss, eagerly reciprocating. Emily's hand instinctively gripped Paige's hip, sliding to the small of her back, urging her closer. Paige hummed into the kiss as it lingered, cupping Emily's cheek. Emily melted into the touch, unable to resist the urge to deepen the kiss further. Paige's palm pressed against the small of Emily's back, holding her firmly in place, as if indicating her approval.

Eventually Paige pulled back, avoiding Emily's gaze in favor of tugging her closer into an embrace. Emily felt her stomach dip as she nuzzled into Paige's neck, feeling a wave of butterflies at just how intimate it felt. How right it felt.

"That felt pretty real to me."

Emily hadn't been entirely sure she'd actually answered the question Paige had posed out loud until Paige made a sound, something halfway between relief and disbelief. Paige wrapped her arms around Emily tighter with that, tugging her even closer. And then she was rolling Emily slightly, clumsily. Emily shrieked out a laugh, mindful of the flip in her stomach when Paige eventually succeeded in her objective; pulling Emily on top of her. Subtle alarm bells sounded off in Emily's mind as she adjusted to their newfound position, though she put up little fight when Paige refused to let her shift and redistribute her weight.

"I don't want to crush you."

"You're not."

Paige still seemed reluctant to look at her, though Emily didn't press. Whatever Paige's reasons were, Emily knew it was nothing to worry about. Not when Paige nuzzled into Emily's neck, letting out a content sigh.

"This is nice."

"Just _nice?"_

Emily couldn't help but mock, given Paige's previous aversion to the word.

"Shut up, Fields."

Emily chuckled, Paige's breath tickling her throat, the sound morphing into a heady whimper as Paige's lips grazed the nape of her neck softly, Emily surprised by the contact. It was a tentative, barely there kiss, one so slight it felt almost accidental. Accidental or not, Emily still felt a low pull in her stomach, the contact inciting the faintest stirring of desire within her.

"What time is it?"

"Far too early to be awake," Emily answered, burying her nose into Paige's hair, reveling in the familiar scent. Paige let out another yawn as if in agreement, trailing her fingertips up and down Emily's spine lazily.

"Are you saying you woke me up for no reason, Fields?"

Emily's stomach dipped. Paige's words, for all they were surely innocent, were accentuated by an unmistakable husk. A husk that caused a stab of want to stir within Emily once again.

"Not…necessarily."

Emily swallowed hard. The suggestive tone in which her words were laced was involuntary, Emily torn between elaborating further now she'd started, or just letting the moment pass.

"No?"

The playful curiosity in Paige's tone was unmistakable and the husk in her voice had remained. Emily worried that perhaps she was simply reading into things, that her budding arousal was clouding her mind and urging her to give into her more base desires. Then she felt it. Paige's fingertips ghosting lightly along her sides, stalling momentarily as they reached the curve of Emily's hip, hesitant, undecided. But curious.

Emily shifted, her eyes drifting across to Deb's bed instinctively, her skin flushing as she realized it was empty, flushing further as she acknowledged why she'd checked and just how thankful she was for that fact.

"…I can think of something."

Emily screwed her eyes shut as she heard the words falling from her mouth, embarrassed.

 _I can think of something?_

Really?

She heard, more accurately felt Paige swallowing, Emily cursing herself inwardly. The last thing she wanted to do was make Paige feel uncomfortable, or to ruin the moment of intimacy they'd been sharing.

There was little secret Emily had meant the words as they'd sounded, as ill-judged as they may or may not have been. Moving too fast, however, was something Emily was eager to be mindful of. She was fully aware of how much she wanted to avoid anything like the week before, where they'd moved at breakneck speed towards an intimacy that ultimately, albeit briefly, tore them apart. Emily was certain she never wanted to feel that far away from Paige ever again.

"Like what?"

It was easy to hear the hesitation in Paige's voice, though there was an unmistakable hint of curiosity there too, the slightest hint of desire. Desire, Emily realized, she'd been hoping was there.

Emily felt the faintest touch of Paige's lips against her collarbone, another tentative, barely there kiss, one again so slight Emily wondered if she was merely imagining it, her mind clouded with growing lust. Emily felt a low pull in her stomach, a twinge only growing as Paige's lips met the base of her neck, the contact still feeling somewhat accidental, but making Emily's pulse quicken all the same.

They were sober now, Emily reasoned, even if the fact it was barely past 4am was potentially clouding their judgement. Emily realized that there was no longer any real, solid reason to not give into what she wanted, not that she could think of at least. She wanted to kiss Paige. She wanted to feel Paige's body pressed against her own. She wanted Paige to touch her.

She wanted Paige, period.

Emily shifted, finally meeting Paige's gaze, any apprehension she felt falling away as she took in the pure, unadulterated want she found mirrored back at her.

Emily keened as their lips connected fervently, somewhat comforted by the fact that Paige had woken up just as worked up as she herself was, that the need Paige felt was apparently as relentless as her own. She made a fruitless attempt to mask the desire that was burning within her as her hands cupped Paige's face, though Paige was privy to it, her own need apparent as she deepened the kiss eagerly, hands sliding up Emily's sides, smoothing along her back, urging her closer still. Emily took little persuading, manoeuvring until she slid flush against Paige.

The moan she elicited from Paige as their bodies slotted together seemed as if it should have jolted Emily back to her senses. In actuality it only served to pull Emily in deeper, a moan of her own falling free, humming into Paige's mouth as their tongues met, the kiss quickly growing sloppy, not that Emily could bring herself to care. It felt too good. Her thigh had fallen between Paige's as they'd shifted, the contact jolting Paige's own thigh upwards, hitting Emily's center. Emily groaned at the contact, there definitely no longer any sense in trying to hide just how turned on she was.

Paige pulled back, sucking in a deep breath. Her eyes were glassy as she met Emily's, Emily certain her own were just as blown. Emily was sobered by the look, trying desperately to calm her racing mind, to quell her burning desire.

This is the moment, Emily told herself. _Now is the time to pull away._

It was difficult to follow through. It wasn't until their lips had connected that Emily had fully understood just how much she'd been craving this, them. It wasn't until their lips had connected that Emily had fully acknowledged just how frustrated she'd been left feeling after their tryst had ended abruptly the week before, having been masked beneath all the hurt and confusion.

Emily's mind began to fog over, picking up on the subtle undulation of Paige's hips, barely moving, but irrefutably rocking against her, trying to quell an ache. Emily became keenly aware of her own involuntary movements, the motion offering little relief to the growing ache between her legs, Emily unable to bring herself to stop. Paige's hands ghosted further downwards as she captured Emily's lips once again, smoothing tentatively over the curve of Emily's ass, then cupping the backs of Emily's thighs, silently encouraging her ministrations.

Emily moaned into Paige's mouth. She knew this was getting dangerous, that soon she'd be too far gone to stop. Emily didn't want things to intensify the way they had before. Emily couldn't be certain Paige was fully awake and in turn in complete control of her actions for one. But then Paige's lips found her neck again, sucking at the skin just above her collarbone, the shockwaves the sensation conjured causing Emily to grind down involuntarily, a moan.

Emily became keenly aware Paige's hands had met her skin, slipping beneath Emily's shirt, splaying eagerly across the skin of her back. Their lips crashed together forcefully, Emily arching almost involuntarily, encouraging the touch as their tongues met eagerly once again. Emily could feel Paige's breasts pressing against her own, could feel the strain of her nipples beneath the fabric and felt, with some urgency, the sudden need to touch her.

Emily's arousal eventually ate away the last remnants of her hesitance, and/or perhaps her common sense. Her hands slid beneath Paige's shirt tentatively, Emily moaning as her fingertips ghosted across Paige's abs, at the way Paige's breath caught at the contact. Paige was breathing heavily, eyes still blown as they met once more, Emily's own arousal rocketing as she took in the desire there.

A look of desire laced with questions, ones Emily couldn't entirely decipher but questions she understood. Questions she was asking herself, too, deep in her clouded mind.

 _Was this too much? Too soon? How far are we about to go?_

Emily wasn't sure. She wasn't sure about anything other than how much she wanted to touch Paige, her hesitance for once being swallowed by her desires as she leant back in, her hands sliding up…

…and then jolting suddenly back, as if burned, as the blare of her alarm clock sounded throughout the room.

Emily rolled off Paige, struggling to catch her breath, partly thanks to the shock of the sound, partly thanks to the lingering arousal coursing through her system, not sated. Emily reached out, quickly silencing the offending object. She heard Paige release a heavy sigh beside her, the sound drawing Emily's attention back to her.

Paige was breathing just as heavily as she was and looked just as flush as Emily assumed she herself did. Paige's eyes were glued to the ceiling, her face shifting through a wave of different emotions, many Emily herself could understand, if not completely read.

They got up eagerly, yet reluctantly. Emily would have laughed at how ridiculous the contradiction sounded, but all she could manage to do was breathe. Her heart was still racing, an uncomfortable ache still prevalent between her legs.

Suddenly, Emily felt sick with worry. Paige hadn't looked at her since they'd been forced apart, she noted, her eyes fixed on anything but Emily as she gathered up her clothes from the night before. Emily couldn't help but worry that she'd pushed too far, listened to her body's physical needs instead of her head or her heart first. _Again_. The memory of how painful last weekend was for them rose up within her, her stomach sick with the thought of in any way repeating that.

Emily's hand caught hold of Paige's arm, stilling her movements. Their eyes met, but, frustratingly, Emily wasn't sure what to say. Or what she needed to say, to make sure they hadn't taken a step backwards.

"Is everything okay?"

Emily puffed out a laugh, releasing a tense breath. _Of course_ Paige beat her to it. Of course Paige's first thought would be to comfort her, despite Paige's own questions, questions Emily could see clearly in her eyes. Emily nodded and without giving it too much thought pulled Paige closer. Paige's arms wrapped around her instantaneously, Emily's panic, uncertainty, whatever it was that had washed over her momentarily fading the second she felt Paige there with her, once she acknowledged just how securely Paige was holding her.

Paige wasn't going anywhere.

Emily knew, deep down, that's what scared her most about moving forward, about exploring their attraction. Losing Paige. Emily knew she needed to heed Paige's words from Monday night and remember that doing that, worrying for the sake of worrying, simply meant worrying about something that hadn't happened yet. Something that might never happen. Emily needed to trust herself and trust what she was feeling the way Paige always seemed to so wholeheartedly.

"Em?"

There was a question laced within her name as it fell from Paige's lips, the softness in which it was spoken compelling Emily to tighten her hold briefly, before she pulled back, her arms lingering on Paige's waist as she met her gaze, trying to work out what it was Paige was trying to ask.

Emily recognized the questions there as she studied Paige's face. Insecurities that mirrored the ones trying to force their way to the forefront of her own mind. Questions like was that too much? Too soon? Not enough? Emily didn't want to stand there trying to work out the answers.

Had it felt good? Yes. Had she wanted it. _Yes._ Had Paige? It certainly seemed like she did. Did anything else matter? No.

Emily stepped forward, pressing her lips softly to Paige's, hoping to put paid to any fleeting doubts she may have had. Paige smile was both shy and buoyed as they broke apart, prompting a grin to tug onto Emily's lips. Paige's eyes fell to her clothes on the floor, clothes she'd collected then dropped as Emily pulled her into the hug.

"I want this back, by the way," Emily smirked before Paige had the chance to bend down and pick up her discarded clothing, tugging lightly at the hem of the Sharks shirt Paige had worn for bed.

"I think you'll find it rightfully belongs to me," Paige quirked an eyebrow, shooting Emily a wry smile.

"Finders keepers."

"Stealers…weepers?" Paige puffed out a laugh, shaking her head apologetically, before standing up, squaring her shoulders exaggeratedly, Emily chuckling at the display. "Well, you'll have to fight me for it."

"Careful," Emily warned, lightly ghosting her fingertips along the hemline of fabric purposefully, knowing Paige was ticklish there. The corners of her mouth tugged into a smirk as Paige's breath hitched, Paige squirming as her movements became more persistent. "I know _all_ your weak spots."

Emily swallowed the slightest hint of nerviness as she took a step closer, using her newfound grip on Paige's shirt to tug her closer, licking her lips as their eyes met.

"Uh huh," was all Paige could manage by way of retort. She moved closer, something about the look in her eyes making Emily's stomach dip. Anything else she may have had to say died in her throat when Paige's eyes drifted to her lips, lingering. The fingers of her free hand ghosted across the skin of Emily's forearm, the subtle contact making her shiver, Emily's breath hitching as Paige leant in once more.

The contact was gone almost as quickly as it had come, Emily's back up alarm blaring out, Emily unable to stop a frustrated groan from falling from her lips.

"Alright," Paige huffed out a laugh, smiling briefly before looking to her watch. "I'll go see if it's safe to wake Sydney and meet you outside for breakfast? Say, in 15?"

Emily nodded, squeezing Paige's hips softly before letting go. She grabbed her toiletry bag as they made their way to the door, following Paige out of it, only to crash into the back of her as she came to a stop.

"Sydney was just sending me to look for you," A sheepish Jacob offered by way of greeting, offering Emily an equally sheepish wave as her caught sight of her. "Sorry I turfed you out last night. We…"

"Don't sweat it, we made do," Paige held her hand up to halt any explanation, motioning to Emily behind her.

"Right."

Paige's assurances did nothing to take away the sheepish grin on Jacob's face.

"You guys are still coming along tonight, right?"

"Tonight?"

"The gig?"

Jacob raised his eyebrows, as if waiting for something to click into place in their memories, though his expectant stare did nothing for Emily or, a glance to the right confirmed, for Paige.

"Syd forgot to invite you both didn't she?"

"No."

Both protested in unison. Emily looked to Paige expectantly, though the look she was met with confirmed Paige was just as clueless as she herself was.

"It's been a pretty hectic week," Paige spoke apologetically, looking to Emily for back up, which she offered in the way of her own apologetic shrug. "Sorry. She told us. We just spaced."

"Nice try," Jacob smiled wryly, shaking his head knowingly. Sydney wasn't known for her memory. "Well, if you do want to come, my friend has a gig tonight. Swedish American Hall. He's pretty much the support act for the support acts, but he's comped us a bunch of tickets and most of the other bands seem pretty legit."

Unexpectedly, Emily found herself picturing it. Vividly. A band playing, something soft and slow, her body swaying in time to the music as she sank back into Paige's arms, settled tight around her waist. The two of them swaying together. Emily didn't know what had spurred the reaction, though a smile tugged onto her lips at the very thought.

"We'd love to come."

Emily's response was impulsive, and a little too eager, but she found herself suddenly giddy at the prospect of a night out of town. A night out with Paige, away from college and all the responsibilities that came along with it. She rocked forward, flushing a little at just how excited she had no doubt visibly become.

But then Emily saw, or more accurately heard Paige deflating ahead of her. So caught up in the thought of them being on another, impromptu, out of town date, she'd all but forgotten Paige's intentions to take her out on real, planned, _special_ date that night.

"Ah, actually…"

"We'll get the details from Sydney on the way to practice," Paige had already began to speak as Emily interjected, stuffing her hands into her pockets.

"Awesome," Jacob smiled. "You guys are welcome to stay over, too."

"Great," Paige smiled at him jovially.

Emily studied her, trying to gauge if she was masking disappointment, or genuinely happy about the prospect.

"Catch you guys later," Jacob bid them farewell, disappearing down the hallway.

Emily sighed as soon as he was out of earshot, placing her hand on Paige's arm, eager to apologize, or explain herself, or whatever it was that had would ease the sudden guilt that had welled up in her chest.

"I'm…"

"We're going to be late if we want to grab breakfast first."

Paige's attention was fixed to her watch, brow furrowed. There was no edge to her tone, nothing to suggest the unease Emily felt was anything more than her own paranoia, yet still it lingered, Emily groaning inwardly.

"Meet you here in 5?" Paige eventually looked up, no sign of anger or disappointment in her features. "Is that too soon?"

"That's fine," Emily nodded, knowing that if they wanted to grab a quick breakfast and make it to practice on time, something she needed to make sure she was doing consistently during her spell on the bench, they really did need to get moving.

"Okay."

Paige lingered for a moment, as if she was going to say something, or do something, before nodding with a sigh, turning on her heel.

"Paige–"

"Five minutes, okay?" Paige repeated, glancing down the hallway as doors gradually began opening up and down the corridor, team-mates and other early risers slowly starting to filter out into the hall.

Paige waited for Emily to nod, before turning, her door opening and closing with a soft click.

* * *

The walk back to the main campus from the aquatics center was one Emily had always enjoyed, especially on days like this. The sun was still low in the sky and the air whilst warm still held the slightest chill. It reminded her of home, of the way the summer would turn to fall so quickly it felt like it had never left, and for all that sensation barely lasted longer than that brief walk she took each morning out there on the west coast, it rarely failed to settle Emily for the day ahead.

Emily had left practice in a strange mood. She'd found herself paired with one of the upperclassmen in her drills and she'd beaten them, beaten them well. There was something smugly satisfying about the look on Coach Morgan's face as she'd registered Emily's times, that satisfaction giving Emily's confidence a much needed boost after feeling so dejected the majority of week. It still stung, stung even more perhaps knowing that her performance hadn't changed anything and her spot in the stands at the Arizona State meet still stood, but she was happy that at the very least that she wasn't letting it stall her progress within the team.

Paige was beginning to look a sure start. When she hit her stride she was unbeatable in the water and slowly but surely as each practice came and went she was beginning to find real form. Emily was happy for her, but again, the elation she felt came tinged with her own bout of sadness; a sadness that she herself wasn't going to be competing alongside her.

Emily was looking forward to a night away from campus to forget about it, even if it did mean sleeping on some random guy's floor for the night. As the morning drew on, Emily had considered why she should have perhaps turned down the offer. She needed to study, she had assignments, her training had started to improve and she wanted to keep it that way; she couldn't afford to overdo it like she had the weekend before. Still, she couldn't really bring herself to regret the decision. Unless of course, Paige regretted it.

There was nothing about Paige's interactions with Emily that morning that overtly suggested there was anything wrong; that she was in any way upset or annoyed with Emily for seemingly forgoing or forgetting their plans for the evening ahead. They'd talked when they could at practice, in between drills, after their showers. For all the walk to the aquatics center was mostly overtaken by Sydney, gushing yet coy about her night with Jacob before, they'd talked as they usually would on the way to practice. They'd settled their plans for the night ahead and Emily still couldn't quite tell if Paige was really okay with it, or if she was secretly disappointed about their date night suddenly turning into a group outing. Paige had shrugged off her attempts to bring up their proposed date and hadn't seemed to be doing so in a way that suggested she was angry or disappointed.

Emily knew she was likely overthinking again, reading too much into things. It wasn't hard to worry that to Paige it may have looked as if she was backtracking, avoiding the prospect of a date, having second thoughts. Emily wasn't, but given how hot and cold she'd been lately, purposely or not, it was certainly easy to see how Paige could easily fall into that trap.

Emily scolded herself inwardly. She was definitely overthinking things, well aware she needed to stop and just talk to Paige about what was bothering her before she let the concerns get away from her.

Emily's attention was broken by the buzz of her phone in her pocket, a smile tugging onto her lips at the familiar name on the screen.

Aria explained she was simply checking in, spurring Emily to recall the last conversation they'd shared, a few days earlier. It felt like so much had happened between then and now; Emily didn't know where to start. She'd texted with Aria intermittently over the weekend, mostly when she was feeling anxious, worrying she was on the cusp of ruining everything with Paige, but she'd shared little with Aria since Monday night and the past few days. Nothing about last night, the date that wasn't really a date, the 'spooning', this morning's make out.

Aria asked how Paige was, but didn't press any further, leaving the option there for Emily to take if she wanted to, but seeming equally as happy to let things lie. Emily found herself thankful for it, thankful because she'd had nobody to talk to but Paige about everything that had changed between them.

"So?"

"We're seeing where things go."

It felt strange to say it. Strange, partly because Emily had never really gotten used to having this kind of conversation with her friends, no matter how much she trusted them and valued their opinions. Strange, because it was _Paige_ she was talking about. Whilst there was no doubt in Emily's mind that she wanted to do just that, see where things go, that didn't mean it wasn't still taking some adjusting to.

Emily waited, curious as to what kind of reaction Aria was going to have. Emily hadn't really taken the time to consider what their friends would think about the two of them starting a romantic relationship, too preoccupied in accepting that that's where they were heading now herself.

"You finally talked?"

"We finally talked."

Emily set about explaining what had transpired since they talked last, trying her best to keep it brief. It was a difficult task; it felt somewhat cathartic, talking through everything out loud to someone other than Paige.

"It's still pretty weird. Good, but weird. You know. It's _Paige."_

Aria hummed her agreement, though she let the silence linger, as if aware that Emily needed to elaborate in her own time. Emily felt another pang of guilt for _again_ turning their conversation to Paige, silently resolving to sit down and have a proper catch up with Aria, with everyone she'd left behind, when she had more time.

A part of her did need to talk to someone other than Paige about their budding relationship. And a part of Emily really wanted to find out what their friends would think of it. Another thought entered her mind at that thought.

"Aria? What you mentioned about Paige before, about her being…you know."

Emily couldn't really bring herself to say it, even though she had been opening her eyes to the possibility of it more lately. Paige, 'in love' with her. For a long time.

"Have you…did any of you ever think that about me?"

"Having feelings for Paige?" Aria paused, contemplating the question. Emily wasn't sure how to interpret the silence. "Uh, not exactly?"

"Not exactly?" Emily repeated, eyebrow quirking at the question in Aria's tone.

"I mean, if I can be honest?"

Emily nodded her head, before realizing that Aria couldn't see the motion.

"Please."

"It's always been pretty obvious that you have a connection. Something…different," Aria elaborated. "Not that we necessarily assumed that was a, you know, a _romantic_ thing. Sometimes I have wondered what if, but it wasn't something we really ever talked about."

"Okay."

"It's always been easy to see how deep it goes, I guess is what I'm trying to get at. At least to me."

"I…" Emily sucked in a breath, taking a seat outside the lecture hall. A glance to her watch confirmed she had plenty of time before her next class and for all she felt an apprehension, she knew she wanted to voice her feelings now she had Aria's attentive, impartial ear. "I feel so stupid, for never having noticed it. What she felt for me, it was so obvious to you…"

"Paige isn't exactly subtle, Em."

"I _really_ didn't realize."

Emily bit her lip, knowing, deep down, that wasn't exactly true.

"Or maybe I did."

Emily knew, in some way, perhaps not consciously, she'd noticed. Noticed the extra devotion Paige would offer her, the lingering looks, the way the air would change whenever they got a little too close. And, to her disappointment, she knew she'd perhaps taken advantage of that affection sometimes, even using the connection she shared with Paige to fill a void, to fill the gaps in the casual relationships she'd had with others in the past. Emily felt a pang of guilt at that.

"Have I messed her around? Do you think that I knew how Paige felt about me and that I've taken advantage of it?"

"Of course not. Em, don't be ridiculous," Aria assured her. "You wouldn't do that."

Emily hoped Aria was right. In truth, Emily knew that 'taking advantage of' wasn't entirely the correct description. In the moments in which Emily had drawn Paige closest to her, from lows in relationships to fears about the future, vulnerable moments, Emily knew she'd been lowering her guard and giving into what she wanted. Perhaps not knowingly, but as she mulled it over, it certainly sounded right enough.

Emily had been blind to her own feelings, sometimes willfully, sometimes completely obliviously, but they were always there. And she'd been acting on them for a lot longer than she thought.

"I can't believe it's taken me this long to…"

… _to see Paige._ Emily wasn't sure how that would sound, or if it would make sense, should she finish the sentence.

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Of course I do. It's Paige."

"No, you _like_ her. You really like her."

Emily was somewhat taken aback by the tone of Aria's voice, catching the slightly teasing hint to her words, something similar to the way Hanna would tease each of them about liking anyone back in high school. It seemed off for Aria until Emily realized what she was trying to do. Aria wanted her to say it. Aria wanted her to say it, because she knew Emily needed to hear it out loud.

"I do," Emily spoke softly, biting her lip, unable to help but smile a little as she spoke. "I really do."

Emily sucked in a deep breath, releasing it shakily, before continuing, allowing herself a moments vulnerability.

"I…I more than like her."

Emily swallowed, insecure yet comforted that she'd said that out loud, too.

"And I really don't want to mess it up."

"Why would you?"

Aria's question was genuine, Emily feeling almost guilty that she was unable to really do anything but scoff at it.

"Look Em, nerves, doubts, all this overthinking," Emily sat back, not entirely surprised Aria had picked up on it. Emily glad, the more they spoke, that it was Aria she'd chose to confide in. "You know that's just part of any new relationship, right?"

"I guess you're right," Emily conceded, knowing Aria had a point.

Worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing, feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement, it was part and parcel of any new relationship. Just because it was Paige didn't mean she was exempt from that and there was little doubt the fact that she was starting a relationship with a friend, her best friend, would only make it more overwhelming. But Aria was right. Emily had felt that way before, to some degree. Emily had gotten past it before and had been rewarded for it.

"You're right."

"And, bonus! Paige already knows you."

 _Paige loves you._ Aria didn't say it, but Emily could practically hear her thinking it.

"That doesn't always feel like a bonus."

Emily sighed. it was both a blessing and a curse that Emily found herself falling for Paige. Having f _allen_ for Paige _._

"Okay, sure, I get that. But still, it's kinda great, too right?" Aria continued. "Paige, she'll understand you know, why it might be hard for you."

"Hard for me?"

"To trust what you're feeling. To give into it."

Emily frowned, though she appreciated what Aria was saying. Her friends knew better than anyone how hard it was for her to let anyone get close, to open herself up to people. She'd gone through her own sort of recovery after her Father's accident, the possibility of losing someone she held so dear, living for some time in a perpetual state of anxiety that it was going to happen again. That it was bound to happen, if she allowed herself to rely on someone as much as she'd relied on him to keep his promise to always come home safe. It caused her to withdraw to the point where she'd shut people out, keep people at arm's length.

It was ridiculous and Emily had always known that. But it lingered all the same and it wasn't something she was able to let go of easily. Forcing the feeling away hadn't helped. Emily felt lucky she had friends who had always understood. Emily knew Aria was right. Paige would understand her hesitance. Paige would be patient. Paige wouldn't let her push her away.

"Em, whatever happens, you're going to look out for one another. It's what you do."

"Yeah."

For all it didn't necessarily feel that way, Emily knew Aria was right. Just as Paige had assured her on Monday night, just as Paige had assured her, silently, perhaps even unknowingly, ever since they'd parted with a kiss that evening. Emily settled, glad she'd that off of her chest, making a mental promise to talk about everything _but_ Paige the next time Aria called.

"So, tonight's date night?" Aria changed the subject, as if sensing the shift in the mood. She sounded positively giddy about the prospect, though the reminder made Emily's stomach sink all over again.

"I may have already messed that part up."

Emily explained the invitation they'd received from Jacob and how, in her excitement, she'd jumped at the chance of a night in the city together.

"So you're going on a double date instead?"

"Sydney doesn't know about...well, 'us'."

Emily paused momentarily, unsure if Paige would have mentioned anything to Sydney. Unsure, more specifically, if Sydney was a good enough liar to not have let it show.

"You don't think Paige will think I've blown her off tonight, do you? Or worry that I'm having second thoughts about going on a real date?"

"Paige wouldn't think that, would she?"

"She might," Emily protested.

"Okay," Aria conceded. "Just tell her that's not the case?"

"And you think she'd believe me?" Emily was unconvinced. "It _is_ Paige we're talking about."

"I guess," Aria acquiesced. "Show her?"

"Show her?"

"Maybe it's no longer her date to plan, but that doesn't mean it can't be yours," Aria suggested. "Make it special for her."

It was a suggestion that both piqued Emily's interest and prompted another stab of fretfulness to stir within her, Emily releasing a noise somewhere in between the two.

"Or, alternatively Em you could just, you know, _relax_ and enjoy your night together?"

Emily sagged at that, knowing Aria had a point. She'd had numerous conversations with Paige now that at least skirted the subject of focusing on the doing, instead of worrying about every little thing. It was a thankless habit; one Emily was well aware she was falling into far too often lately and one she desperately wanted to break. Starting tonight.

They chatted a little while longer, Emily turning the conversation away from herself, and Paige, listening intently to Aria as she filled her in on what she'd been up to lately. Without giving it too much thought once they'd said their goodbyes, Emily pulled up Paige's number on her phone.

 _Can't wait to spend tonight with you._

Emily mulled the message over, wondering if it sounded too corny, or worse, somewhat fake. She meant it, but would it seem like she was overdoing it? Would a text like that seem off, for them?

 _Looking forward to tonight._

Emily frowned as she typed and retyped, never any further satisfied with her amendments. She was unsure how to really broach the subject of the concert without seeming like she was over-compensating.

 _Hey. Are you still in class?_

Emily hit send, deflated. She was surprised when her phone buzzed before she'd had the chance to fully stand up, already well aware Paige was indeed still in class.

 _Unfortunately. Trying to keep my eyes open. What's up?_

Emily rolled her eyes. Paige liked to complain about her classes, but whilst she sometimes struggled to focus in the longer lectures, she was thoroughly loving the college experience, laborious workloads included.

 _Nothing much._

Emily bit her lip as she paused, before deciding to just go for it.

 _I'm really looking forward to tonight._

 _ **Should be cool.**_

Emily groaned as she read Paige's reply. She needed to remember subtly wasn't going to cut it when it came to Paige.

 _Not just the concert._

Emily began typing again the second she'd hit send, allowing herself no time to chicken out.

 _I'm really looking forward to spending tonight with you._

* * *

Emily huffed as she shrugged off her shirt, planting her hands petulantly on her hips as she stared down at the pile of clothes carefully laid out across Jacob's bed, frowning as she did so. The rejects pile was getting bigger and bigger. She pulled on the t-shirt she'd travelled in, running her hands through her hair, a glance to the clock on Jacob's wall reminding her she really didn't have time to be fussing over what to wear.

They'd left late, struggling for time after their last classes of the day, the drive a little frantic as they tried to make up time. Jacob lived in an off-campus house, a compact building somewhat set off the beaten track, which made it something of a hotspot for college parties. By the time they'd arrived, a pre-party was already in full swing.

The last thing Emily wanted to be doing after last weekend was drinking again. Paige had waved off their offers initially, but insistently motioned for Emily to head on in and grab something whilst she unpacked the car. Emily had begun to refuse, but quickly found her resolve worn down. It had felt rude to refuse when Jacob and his housemates had offered. It was only light beer, after all, Sydney argued, adamant that that made it all okay. In truth, Emily found herself needing a little bit of Dutch courage, nervous yet excited about the prospect of the night ahead with Paige.

Unfortunately deciding to stop and socialise, as much as it had been the polite thing to do, had left Emily with little time to change before they needed to set off for the concert. The time constraints along with the effects of the two beers she'd drank a little too quickly, product of her nerves, didn't help matters. Emily tugged off her shirt again, picking out another top from the pile and pulling it on, huffing in frustration as she looked in the mid-length mirror on the back on Jacob's door.

 _It still wasn't right._

"Are you okay? You sound like you're trying to huff, and puff and blow the house down or something."

Emily huffed at that, having almost forgotten that Sydney was there with her, strewn out on Jacob's floor applying the finishing touches to her make up.

"Yeah," Emily softened her stance, realising she was being a little ridiculous. She needed to relax. "I just can't decide what looks the best."

"That looks great," Sydney assured her after giving her a quick once-over, puckering her lips in the mirror as she checked herself over one last time before standing up. "Seriously, you're a knockout."

Emily's response was simply another sigh, turning back to the mirror and studying herself, biting her lip contemplatively.

"Are you sure? You don't think–"

"Honestly, Em," Sydney insisted, standing up, making her way to Emily and slotting her leather jacket (the only item Emily had managed to decide on thus far) around her shoulders. "See? _Knockout._ "

Emily managed a smile at that, shaking her head as Sydney waggled her eyebrows exaggeratedly before making her way over to the bed.

"Are you hoping to hook up tonight or something?" Sydney asked, her tone playfully suggestive. "Hoping to catch someone's eye?"

 _Something like that._

Emily contemplated whether or not it was a good thing Sydney didn't know who it was she was trying to impress. Sydney knowing might place undue pressure on the two of them as they tried to enjoy their evening; Sydney, as well meaning and endearing as it would be, would likely spend half the night giddily egging them on if she knew that it was a date. If it was still a date. Emily sighed. On the flip side, Emily wasn't sure Sydney would have restraint enough not to say something should she notice her and Paige looking cozier than usual, her lack of knowing perhaps offering up its own obstacles. Emily shook her head. There she went again.

Overthinking.

"Shit, I'm sorry. My bad."

Emily turned, brow furrowing in confusion at Sydney's apology.

"You just broke up with Samara. Rebounding onto someone else is probably the last thing you want to be–"

"Oh, _oh,_ no."

Emily shook her head, waving off Sydney's apology vehemently. She'd obviously taken Emily's introversion to mean exactly the wrong thing. As awful as it perhaps sounded, she'd given Samara little thought since their last encounter.

"Samara and I…it was never a big deal. Breaking it off was the right thing to do. For…lots of reasons."

A part of Emily just wanted to tell Sydney right then and there. To tell her why she was so nervous, why every outfit she'd brought with her and subsequently discarded just wouldn't be right enough because it wasn't perfect; perfect enough for Paige, perfect enough to make up for the fact whatever 'special' date Paige had planned was now a group outing.

At the same time, it didn't feel like her place to. Not without Paige being aware of it, being in on the discussion and decision. She'd wondered intermittently throughout the week if perhaps Sydney knew, if Paige had confided in her, though Emily wasn't sure if Syd had the willpower not to have said anything by now.

"Alright," Sydney gave Emily's shoulder a brief squeeze. "You nearly ready?"

"I just need to freshen up. Five minutes?"

Sydney left Emily to it, the hustle of the party in full swing down stairs briefly filling the room before again it was merely a faint hum as the door clicked shut. Emily took the moment alone to gather herself, enjoying the silence as she applied the last finishing touches to her outfit, letting the simply task it calm her.

Emily wasn't sure why she felt so restless, though she couldn't help but recall what Aria had said earlier; it was normal. Normal to feel this nervous about a first date. If, of course, that was what tonight would come to be; a date.

"Hey."

Paige's voice tore Emily from her thoughts, Emily smoothing out her blouse for the umpteenth time before turning to greet her apprehensively.

"Are you–"

Emily felt her skin flush as Paige paused, caught somewhere between bashfulness and self-consciousness as Paige stalled mid-sentence, her eyes raking over Emily, Emily's breath catching in her throat as she awaited approval.

"Wow."

"Do I look okay?"

"Okay is an understatement, Em," Paige puffed out a breath, shaking her head with an appreciative smile.

"Do you really mean that, or are you–"

"You're beautiful."

Emily blushed, rocking forward instinctively as Paige took a step towards her. It was a simple statement, one that could have easily been trite if anyone other than Paige had said it. It was easy to see how much Paige meant it, from the soft sincerity of her tone to the slightly whimsical look on her face as she spoke.

"Thank you," Emily had to clear her throat to speak, reaching out to run her fingers approvingly along the collar of Paige's jacket. "You look great, by the way."

"I feel a little underdressed," Paige shrugged off the compliment, rubbing the back of her neck as she did so.

"You really shouldn't."

Paige dipped her head at the compliment, masking the small grin that Emily's words had charmed.

"It's not fair, you know," Emily licked her lips as she spoke, unable to help but ghost her fingers along the collar of Paige's jacket once more.

It had always amazed Emily how easily Paige managed to cross the line from casual to something more so effortlessly; whilst she'd often play down the time or effort it took her to dress, the subtle pride Paige had in her appearance was always apparent. Confident and unassuming; regardless of how simple her outfit was, Paige had the self-assurance to pull it off and a modesty that made her all the more attractive.

"What's not fair?"

"Nothing," Emily swallowed, torn between telling Paige how good she looked again or just…kissing her. The urge took Emily by surprise, though her body was already a few steps ahead of her. She had gripped the lapels of Paige's jacket lightly without really realising, and her eyes had become fixated on Paige's lips. Paige swallowed, her own hand coming up to Emily's forearm, rubbing the skin their softly.

Emily's breath hitched as their eyes met, entirely heady at the prospect of what was to come. Paige's gaze fell to Emily's lips and her breath hitched, rocking forward instinctively as she waited for the kiss to come.

"We should get going," Paige cleared her throat, taking a step back and motioning for Emily to go ahead of her, Emily sagging in disappointment when the kiss didn't come.

"Paige?"

Paige turned back to her, raising her eyebrows by way of an answer.

"About tonight…"

"It should be cool."

Emily huffed out a laugh, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry about tonight, is what I mean to say," Emily began, unsure why she felt the need to say it. She didn't want to make things awkward before the night had even started, but seeing Paige looking the way she did, feeling the first-date jitters in her stomach, something inside her needed Paige to know, to understand what she wanted tonight to be. "Our date?"

"Oh," Paige looked down, nodding before looking up at Emily once more, offering her a small smile and a shrug. "I told you, don't sweat it."

"I do though," Emily maintained. "I know you were…" Emily shook her head, reaching out to touch Paige's arm gently. _"I_ was really looking forward to it, whatever you had planned. I really was. Then Jacob mentioned the gig…"

"I get it, it should be cool."

Emily shook her head, sighing. Paige wasn't getting it.

"He mentioned it and I just…I really wanted to go with you. I got this picture in my mind, of us, there, together and…" Emily let the explanation trail off, her gaze falling away as she spoke, conscious she mightn't be making any sense, cautious that she was about to ramble nonsensically. "…I just really wanted to go with you, is all."

"Oh," Paige offered Emily a lopsided smile as she nodded her acknowledgement. "Okay?"

"And if you're okay with it, I'd still like tonight to be a date?"

Emily found the courage to meet Paige's gaze fully, relieved to find Paige smiling, the slightest blush tinging her cheeks.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Emily smiled, stepping forward and taking Paige's hand, pushing past any lingering hesitancy, lighter now she'd gotten that off her chest.

"If I can be honest?" Paige spoke, eyes fixed to their entwined hands, rubbing her thumb along Emily's skin absently. "I was actually kind of relieved."

"Relieved?"

"I didn't know if I could plan something on such short notice. Something..." Paige sighed, before looking down once more. "…Something special enough. For you."

The words drew a soft smile to Emily's lips. She tried to meet Paige's gaze, shaking her head.

"Paige you know I don't need special, right?" Emily nudged Paige's foot with her own, urging her to look up at her. "I'm happy with whatever we do."

"You are?"

"I am."

Emily swallowed down any remnants of hesitancy as she spoke, cupping Paige's cheek as she continued to avoid her gaze. She offered Paige a soft smile when their eyes met, stepping forward to press a soft kiss to Paige's lips. She let it linger, letting the simplicity of the touch wash over her, to calm her.

"I just want to be with you."

Emily spoke the words softly as they broke apart, buoyed by the way Paige's hands kept a firm grip on her waist, holding her steady.

"Anything else we do, well that's just a bonus."

Paige shook her head, unable to stop the smile forming on her lips.

"What?"

 _This doesn't feel real._

Paige didn't give her an answer, though the slight shake of her head suggested to Emily that she was thinking as much. She hoped Paige could see that she was just as awed herself by what was happening between them.

Emily decided not to tell her, not with words anyway. She tugged Paige closer once more, mirroring Paige's smile as she leant in, connecting their lips softly once more, hoping it could covey even an ounce of just how real this was to her.

"Are you guys– _oh."_

Sydney's expression was one Emily would have found amusing, had it not so closely mirrored her own. Paige had stepped away from her instantly the second they'd been interrupted, eyes currently darting around the various posters on Jacob's bedroom wall as if her life depended on it.

"OK."

Sydney nodded after a moment, looking between them. She held her hand up and opened her mouth as if to speak, before simply shaking her head.

"We're leaving in 5. Sorry I…sorry."

Paige finally looked at Emily once the door had clicked shut once more, a mixture of horror and amusement laced within her features. Emily puffed out a laugh, shaking her head, unsure how she felt about what had just happened. Unsure how she felt so (unexpectedly) calm about it.

"You know, actually–"

Sydney's voice returned, interrupting Emily's thoughts, the door swinging open abruptly once more.

"– _I knew it."_

Sydney's words were aimed at Paige pointedly, confusing Emily some, her curiosity piqued by the interaction.

" _This_ all makes a lot more sense now."

Sydney continued, gesturing to Emily's outfit.

"And…I'm _totally_ here for it."

Emily heard Paige chuckling disbelievingly beside her as Sydney let out a giddy squeak, the sound easing some of the tension Emily hadn't realized she was holding.

Emily reached out, taking Paige's hand in her own. It was a simple enough gesture, almost reflexive, but one that buoyed her in a way she wasn't quite expecting. It felt validating, for all it was a little embarrassing, for Sydney to have seen them like that. For Sydney to be seeing them like this.

The look Sydney was giving them as they stood there like that, hand in hand, like an actual couple, was somewhere between surprise and endearment and oddly, it settled Emily's nerves. Emily knew had this scenario happened a week or so earlier it would have only further accentuated her panic, perhaps even pushed her further away from Paige. But now Sydney knowing only made it feel all the more real to her. All the more official. Even if they weren't quite official, not just yet.

Emily felt like she should be panicking. Sydney shouldn't know yet. It was too soon, wasn't it? They didn't even know what they were yet.

Except, it wasn't too soon. At least, Emily couldn't bring herself to believe it was. And they did. Whether they'd gotten to that point or not, talked about it or not, there was no doubt in Emily's mind what they were. What they were going to be.

And finally, somewhat surprisingly, but unequivocally, Emily realized she wasn't scared by the prospect of it.

Not in the slightest.


End file.
